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User Topic: N P D Thread part 10
Free2012
♀ Member
Member # 34070
Default  Posted: 3:30 AM, February 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Faith, that was also how I managed to get through this. I made compromises for the kids sake....

But I think that as far as money is concerned there are different situations here. For example I always knew I had to support the family when my husband retires, so full time working was normal and all the organisation was made for that.
Plus in my case I moved five years ago to another town and it was planned he follows after retirement....

So the change in everydays business is almost none . The emotional blow is another thing.....
But life has not really changed that much for the kids as far as everyday life is concerned.

But some members of the tribe are ill, can't work or have ex spouses who really want to take them to the cleaners. I think you have to act differently then and fight for yourself appropriately.

My NPD is not after money so much and thinks that lawyers are blood sucking creatures . Worked for me and the kids for once..


There is no way out but through

Divorced

BS: me 41 yrs
WH: him 67 yrs , married OW (39yrs) 5/13
2 kids aged 7 and 9
married for 12 years
D-Day 16.10.10
Divorced, final 03/12


Posts: 53 | Registered: Nov 2011
juki
♀ Member
Member # 34784
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, February 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wrote this last night and I'm still working on it.

It is pretty cryptic, and might only make sense to me.

It is my way of writing about the timeline of damage from living with an NPDer.

I was in the tub and I thought to myself that I "am bleeding out" metaphorically-speaking.

I was also referencing my own issues that made me the perfect fit for this gross dance. I think on some level, I was just happy to exist to someone.

FYI, I am not suicidal in any way so please don't read that into it since it deals with blood!! :) I was a little buzzed when I wrote it...

Update: I realized that I am FAR too emotional when I try to make him leave, and end up caving due to the intense pain. I have been mostly keeping this to myself. One person close to me knows, but she works for me so it would not be fair to lean on her in the way that I will need. In the last couple of days, I have told my little circle of girfriends that I am going to need them soon because I am going to unravel. That was painful to tell people after living a lie for so long. One step at a time, and that was a big one. I feel loved by them, which is already helping. 2 of them have been betrayed (one I knew about, one I didn't) so they "know" the pain.

I've never shared any of my "poetry" with anyone, but I thought you guys might relate (if it makes sense to anyone but me!!)

Blood Loss


The skin was tough

Not tearing at first

blue barely visible beneath

These remains relish hardship

Happy to be seen

Refreshing nimbly

Even better this time

For a pocket-size time

Tiny drops at first

Barely red tears

Bittersweet

These remains relish hardship

Happy to help

Supernatural healer

Itself and another

Up for the challenge

The lips, back and breast

First to be cut

The heart, gut, and soul

bleed out

Blood pours freely

Leaves a sad trail

Terminal


Me: 45
H(Sazerac): 46
M: 25,T: 27
S24

Posts: 550 | Registered: Feb 2012
Frank2010
♂ Member
Member # 29438
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, February 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow Juki.....that came from a really dark place. I hope you are shedding some light on those feelings and not letting the grow in the dark. (The first time I read it, it sounded like you were a cutter.....I hope not)

When I read it again I felt you were viewing the body and the soul as seperate entities but the physical pain let your soul know that you are alive. But at the same time the wounds are allowing you soul, heart and strength to die. The tears are the blood that flows from the wounded and dyeing soul and heart.

I know we all interpret things differently....poetry and music especially. They can have different meanings to everyone. This is what your poetry spoke to me.

I hope we all find a brighter and sunnier spot in our souls.....I know we will. Many have found that more cheerful facet. I think I am finding mine. I hope you find yours. I hope to read something from you on the opposite spectrum of this poem some day.....You will make it. (((Juki)))


Me 56 BS
Her 59 WS NPD(She is Empty)
D-day#1 05-01-10
Dday#2 06-04-10 previous ONS 9-24-09 AFF hookups

Status: S & D'ing


Posts: 1195 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: North Texas
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Angry  Posted: 2:01 PM, February 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, I want to say, Juki, that I read your poem twice, and understand it this way: At first, it feels good to be needed, seen, valid. Then the wounding starts. As we come to understand who we are with, we have to face the fact that the relationship is terminal. I think because I dealt with "it" last night, that's what I got from it. As you said, sort of a timeline. I agree, it comes from sort of a dark place, though living with an NPD is, in itself, a dark place. Made me think of cutting, too, actually.

The high-riding bitch didn't get much sleep last night, because the NPD Monster came out. I hate that fucker.

So here's last night. Around midnight, Npet woke me to say my BFF's sister had died. I texted with her for a while, then went back to sleep. Npet had been drinking, and he's not a nice drunk, and I know the pattern. He wakes me up to play some Pink Floyd for me. Then he wakes me up to ask, "Who loves you?" and kiss me while smashing my eye with his glasses. Then he came to bed. (It's almost 2:30.) I am trying to go back to sleep, but he snuggles up to me, then forces me to roll over so he can "hug" me. This means that my face is pushed into his chest, and I always end up feeling suffocated. This is one issue from childhood I can't get past, and he knows it. He likes me to feel suffocated.

He finally falls asleep, so I roll over so I can breathe again. Npet wakes up, and rolls me back over 'cuz he's horny. (TMI, sorry.) I roll back over after, try to sleep, then get up. I say, "I can't sleep. I'm going to go 'farm' for a while." (It is now 3:30.) Npet doesn't like that. He follows me out to the living room, angry. Wants to know why I'm suddenly in the mood to sit in the living room, when he's been "begging" me for months to do that. "You always say it hurts your back, and now you want to sit out here. You haven't done that in a YEAR. You always stay in bed. But not tonight. Tonight you have to get up." Blah, blah, freaking blah. On and on.

I said something like, "It DOES hurt, but I can't sleep." He turns on the music on TV, and starts turning it up. I say son needs to work in the morning, and he gets mad at that, too, but turns TV off. He kept trying to engage me in angry conversation, but I begin to just ignore. He falls asleep in the chair after complaining at length about how much pain he's in. FINALLY goes to bed. I was awake till 5:30, when I put on coffee for son, then went to bed, and finally to sleep. He wakes me up at 8:30 to bring me coffee, like nothing happened. He still stinks like booze.

I had a suspicion that no gambling leads to another outcome. Addiction needs an outlet: Porn. His browser history was full of links. So his addiction turned back to porn again, and I became a cum-dumpster. He is SO predictable so much of the time.

If I needed a solution to yesterday's wobble, last night was it. Nice, huh?

[This message edited by SoHurt at 2:04 PM, February 27th (Monday)]


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
juki
♀ Member
Member # 34784
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, February 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I'm not a cutter!

It didn't feel like it came from a dark place. It felt like it came from a more objective place. I think in my head, I was a pathologist, describing what happened to the "wife" body.

I've now told all of my friends what is/has happened, and that I'm going to need them when I leave. I've never asked for help before. I'm a very independent risk taker in life. It was a huge transformation for me.

It feels good. I'm in a good strong place doing what I can as I can, but not doing what I can't handle until I CAN. Kwim?

I'm finding the "process" I'm going through fascinating.

I've even been honest with H and told him how much I love him, but that I am actively working on my departure in a way I can handle.

Funny, he doesn't rage in the face of sadness. So strange, the dynamics in my house atm... but it's better than the rage, and we need to co-exist until our son moves out of our apt (another location/house).


Me: 45
H(Sazerac): 46
M: 25,T: 27
S24

Posts: 550 | Registered: Feb 2012
juki
♀ Member
Member # 34784
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, February 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Sohurt)))

I'm so sorry.

I'm glad you're taking the steps you need to take to live your life peacefully.


Me: 45
H(Sazerac): 46
M: 25,T: 27
S24

Posts: 550 | Registered: Feb 2012
Dawn4
♀ Member
Member # 34073
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, February 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoHurt, I hear a lot of pain all over that post. I wish for you and your family to somehow find some peace. It sounds like just a very toxic environment. Where are you on preparation to seperate??

I have a question, or maybe just looking for an opinion. Last week WS barely talked to me. He has pretty much stopped calling and texting during his work day. Wednesday, thursday, and friday night he went out for drinks after work, without letting me know ahead, he knows I hate that. Saturday morning we had an argument about him going out after work so often. He told me he would be home more often if I was more pleasant to be around. I brought up that he never invited me out with his friends, and he said it's because I will "freak out" , and make him embarassed. He said " why don't you try contributing to a conversation? Have something good to say". And after that I kind of withered and died. I tried to tell myself not to care what he thinks, that I DO have things to contribiute, but it has been bugging me a lot. This is also a problem because he justifies not telling me important things (like buying land,or opening another office) because I will not respond positively. Therefore he doesn't feel the need to fill me in? Because he says sometimes he makes the decisions that are best for us DESPITE my opinion.

ANyways, saturday night he comes home and acts like nothing is wrong. I cancelled plans with a friend because I felt so low and he came home and acted like everything was fine. Then WS got super affectionate and wanted to rush up to bed and we ended up having a "great time"!!!Except the whole time I was like WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM!? This morning we talked and I told him I was glad for saturday night, but hurt by his words earlier in the day and wondering where that all came from. He just repeated what he'd said! That I don't have anything to contribute and he doesn't feel that he needs to be accountable to me! Then he goes back to trying to makeout with me before he rushes off to work and I am left feeling...........just confused!! I'm not sure this belongs here.....hell, half the time I don't know where to post anything!!!


" You must always know how long to stay and when to go." - Let Him Fly, The Dixie Chicks

"This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before". - Beavis and Butthead

Posts: 669 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Canada
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, February 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, guys. Yes, there's a lot of pain, there. It disgusts me to still have to share this bed with him. HE disgusts me.

Dawn, all I can say is he sounds so much like my Npet. You don't matter to him, like I don't matter to my WH. It is a painful realization, but in the end, I'd rather not be with someone who thinks I am a bother except when he needs to "make a deposit," or look good somehow. That is what they do.

If you want my honest opinion, you're in the right place. It sucks, but at least it's better knowing where you really stand. (((((hugs)))))

ETA: Sorry, forgot to mention where my preparations are at. As soon as I know for sure he's going to leave town for several hours today or tomorrow, I'm texting my brother for cash to be dropped off here. If there's enough time, even that trip to the bank.

I'm SO ready to be DONE.

[This message edited by SoHurt at 4:03 PM, February 27th (Monday)]


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, February 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you're willing to get out of your marriage with nothing, just leave and don't fight.

sadtoo, this just made me lol!
I gave her everything, and still she's dragging her feet and making it difficult. See my dang status? How long has that been there?

I want nothing, NOTHING! not even my sons' inheritance (a baseball card collection that she stole and GAVE TO HER AP!)

I paid for 2, count em 2! 16 foot-long apple moving-type trailers to take everything out of a 2800 square foot house and GIVE THEM TO HER...

I wanted nothing. Nothing do I want.
My best bet, my outcome, is to see her the same I do as a walmart checker, pleasant, no harm...

No harm intended. It's better for me for me if I carry her around with me as as a checker. No harm. No memory. No worries mate.
I love poetry, your poetry, especially the things posted on here,
sing to my soul
Walmart checker.
the goal.


Posts: 6026 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Faith2011
♀ Member
Member # 30946
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, February 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Faith, that was also how I managed to get through this. I made compromises for the kids sake....

But I think that as far as money is concerned there are different situations here. For example I always knew I had to support the family when my husband retires, so full time working was normal and all the organisation was made for that.
Plus in my case I moved five years ago to another town and it was planned he follows after retirement....

So the change in everydays business is almost none . The emotional blow is another thing.....
But life has not really changed that much for the kids as far as everyday life is concerned.

But some members of the tribe are ill, can't work or have ex spouses who really want to take them to the cleaners. I think you have to act differently then and fight for yourself appropriately.

My NPD is not after money so much and thinks that lawyers are blood sucking creatures . Worked for me and the kids for once..

Free

I absolutely agree to fighting for your rights. I didn't make that very clear in my post. People here have a right to a fair divorce, a fair division of assets etc.

But I guess my point was making sure you pick your battle. Fight for what you need.

That will vary from person to person. Someone may prefer to walk away with nothing for peace of mind. Some may have kids where it's important to fight for their rights and well being financially.

Now here is a 2x4 for those still engaging with NPD spouses. I say this because I know the craziness of living with an NPD and it's difficult not to get sucked into their need for drama and chaos because you've lived with it for so long it's become your 'normal'. But there is a new kind of normal. Perhaps you've never had this new kind of normal. Perhaps you grew up with drama and chaos and you've never known anything different. But this new 'normal' is peaceful. It's hopeful. It's a tad boring but you have to find new ways of enriching your life with positive excitement. You get to focus on you. You learn to think about your needs rather than the needs of your NPD spouse. You don't have to battle every day to avoid the NPD rages. This new 'normal' takes some getting used to. You will feel empty and flat sometimes. You'll sometimes find yourself wishing for the drama and chaos and charm of living with an NPD spouse. But as time goes on you'll appreciate the peace. You'll learn to think about yourself. You'll learn life doesn't have to be a rollercoaster ride where you rely on the person steering the ride, who by the way, does NOT care about your needs while on the ride, to direct your life. They want to derail you. They feed on your fear. They love manipulating you.

I know it's scary to let them go. I know you may want the same standard of living you had with the NPD.

All I can say is I'd be happier living in tent and begging for food than living with my XNPDWH again.

Stop focusing on your NPD spouse. The posts from some members here is all about the NPD and the drama and chaos.

Forget them.

Focus on YOU and what YOU can do to get them out of your life. Put all that energy that you spend on talking about your NPD and his/her latest drama/emotions/feelings into getting away from them.

Phone people. Go to the bank. Ask for help. Put energy into leaving them (not just surviving them) and things will fall into place.

The solution isn't advice on how to live with an NPD. It's leaving them and starting the healing.


BS me
XNPDWH him
DDay Jan 2011

"Live the best life possible."


Posts: 356 | Registered: Jan 2011
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, February 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jj,
I hear you. Mine took several years too. Sometimes they just don't realize a "gift" when it's presented.

My divorce should have been a "simple" divorce. Married less than 5 years, no children (not together anyway, he had an OC) and no marital property. I owned the house and the property where we lived prior to our marriage. I owned several horses prior to our marriage and vehicles and equipment that went along with them. We both owned our own vehicles. We had some credit card debt. We live in a no-fault state.

When it became apparent that divorce was inevitable, I sat down with him and suggested that we make this a simple as possible. I told him that we would both spend a small fortune in lawyer fees by fighting this in court. I offered to sell all of my pre-marital assets, pay off our debt and split the profit with him. Then we could both go and start a new life in good financial shape.

This was an AMAZING opportunity for him as he didn't have ANY premarital assets. My thinking was I just wanted to avoid as much bullshit with him as possible. But as unbelivable as it sounds, after I made that offer, he looked me straight in the face and said,

"NO. I want everything."

.....ok.....

Then he spent the next three years screaming to everyone who would listen, "It's 50/50!!!!! She gets a horse, I get a horse!!!!!"

He never understood that the "50/50" part came in AFTER they deducted the premarital property and the debt. Idiot.

Then he had his lawyer start filing motions that MY personal property was HIS family heirlooms. All lies of course, but I had to run around and PROVE these thing were mine and he was lying.

Then he claimed that my dad had given him several of his horses as wedding gifts. Again he filed motions with sworn affidavits with this information. All lies.

In the end he had to pay ALL of the credit card debt. I knew about $3500, but he had several other cards that I knew nothing about. He had those sent to his PO box totaling $40k+.

I had to pay him a settlement of $10,000.

But that wasn't the end of him. After the divorce was final, he promptly had me served with papers suing me for liable. Stating I had slandered his "good name and great reputation." He claimed that because of my "mental illness" and "delusional behavior" I was calling the police and and having him "falsly arrested." He was seeking a million dollars in damages because I had called him a "lying, cheating pig" when according to him, we were "seperated. News to me.

I assumed (wrongly) that because the suit was so ridiculous I wouldn't even have to respond. Not only did I have to respond, I had to hire an attorney and DEFEND myself. Of course the suit was eventually dropped, but still....

It's hell going through a divorce with these nuts. And sometimes the only way to get to freedom is just start walking through hell. Sooner or later you'll get to the other side.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, February 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As I've said before, during a divorce an NPD's sense of entitlement will be astonishing. They will not settle for anything less than EVERYTHING. They will fight for every last thing, right down to the candlesticks. They will avoid filling out interrogatories. They will postpone hearings. They will file motion after motion requesting the most ridiculous of the ridiculous.

This is the absolute truth. The only settlement they see as fair is the one that is exactly what they want. They would like nothing more than to see us destroyed - emotionally and financially. They just don't care. It's a game. And they are dead-set on winning.

Let them think they are right. Let them think they have "won"...When I finally got my XNPDWH out of the house he thought he had "won" because he took half the furniture.

Sometimes you have to let things go and let them have whatever it is that they want in the name of getting your divorce finished. I ended up settling for far less than I probably should have, but we were headed to trial, and I already had spent $15k that I didn't have on my attorney. I just wanted the whole hellish nightmare to be over. The only thing I was not willing to compromise on was the custody of the children, and I let a lot of other stuff go to be sure I was given physical custody.

I may have lost half the furniture but I gained peace of mind when he left...He may think he 'won' but he is wrong. I have won my right to live a peaceful life. I have won the right to direct my future. And I have won the integrity stakes hands down!

Word. It is worth so much to not be walking on eggshells and to have peace reign in my house for my children and myself.

I'm sorry so many of you are struggling right now. It is a bit triggery to read the posts from those of you still living with your NPDs. It brings back so many memories to read your stories. What I see is wonderful women being objectified, abused and disrespected. Just like I was.

Dawn, please read up on financial infidelity if you haven't already. Keeping financial secrets and making business transactions without your knowledge or consent is a form of abuse.

Sohurt, your story about him smothering you and rolling on top of you and demanding sex - Him being demanding and needy when you had bad news and were comforting a friend - Ugh. This makes my heart hurt for you.

Juki, our stories have similarities, and I also came to the NPD thread years back and posted a dark poem about bleeding out.

This. Yes. Exactly what I wrote about:

The heart, gut, and soul

bleed out

Blood pours freely

Leaves a sad trail

Terminal

Your poem is beautiful. It is healing to get these emotions out. Share them here. We get it.

I love poetry, your poetry, especially the things posted on here,
jj, I knew you wouldn't have missed an excellent poem. May your goal of indifference toward the NPD - the feelings you would feel toward the checker at Walmart - may this come to all of us here on Tribe.

Peace of heart
Peace of mind
Piece of trash
we left behind


No more hurt
No more pain
Peace and love
where terror reigned


Free to be
Free to grow
Stronger, wiser
How much we now know


Time and grace
the memories they fade

until

Someone we never knew becomes

just

someone we once knew.


((((Tribe))))

[This message edited by woundedby2 at 9:29 PM, February 27th (Monday)]


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7635 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, February 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SoHurt)))

I am so sorry. I can relate. I can't tell you how many times I said, "I can't breathe." What is comforting about being smothered? And why did I feel guilty for not feeling comforted?

I have shared before how make up sex would happen in my marriage. I would be devastated by some hurt or slight or lack of attention from him. I would sob and comfort myself. At some point he would come to me and "smother" me and I would become aware of his arousal. It always made me feel very icky. HE always insisted I should be flattered. That being close to me, he couldn't help himself. I always felt more isolated that his needs were once more far more obvious and pressing than mine...

sorry for the tmi.

But that is such a familiar horror. You are not alone. I am no longer in that place- and grateful. I hope you feel less alone knowing that someone else understands and grieves with you in a way that is not selfish.

Keep walking through hell.


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 12 DS 9
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5307 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
exhausted lady
♀ Member
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, February 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have shared before how make up sex would happen in my marriage. I would be devastated by some hurt or slight or lack of attention from him. I would sob and comfort myself. At some point he would come to me and "smother" me and I would become aware of his arousal. It always made me feel very icky. HE always insisted I should be flattered. That being close to me, he couldn't help himself. I always felt more isolated that his needs were once more far more obvious and pressing than mine...

God, this is such a classic NPD move. They rip into you until you are devastated and crying. Of course, that inflates their twisted egos and over-inflated views of being all powerful. This is a big turn-on to these monsters, so of course they need to frost the cake by forcing sex on you while you're in no shape to defend yourself. It's sickening, and IMHO a form of rape. First you are raped emotionally, followed by the physical act. I hope there is a special place in hell for a person that would treat another human in such a degrading way. And yes, the NPD in my life did the same thing to me. It must be in the "NPD Primer".

I haven't been on this thread in a while, and reading here makes me thank God that I have complete NC with the NPD that was in my life. Although, I got word today that he's still trying to stir the pot to get his vengance. Unfortunetly, he picked the wrong person to stir the pot with, and I've been warned.


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3157 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, February 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Care, I've read you saying that before, but it never hit me that it was the same thing until just now.

It always made me feel very icky. HE always insisted I should be flattered.

Yes! I don't like it, and I never have. But it's always puzzled me as to why it was so "good" in his eyes. It makes me want to throw up knowing that's what it's about. I do feel less alone... thank you. I could never understand it, until just now.

Exhausted, you said,

It's sickening, and IMHO a form of rape.

That's exactly what it feels like. Exactly. It makes so much sense when you guys put it like that. I grew up with daily rape. That was my lot in life, as I knew it.

That explains so much all of a sudden! My reactions to this kind of sex were always rather negative, but as per the "NPD Primer," it was blamed on me, on my childhood, and never on HIM. I'm sort of caught between wanting to throw up and feeling relieved at the explanation of something I never understood as anything other than a fault in me for obvious reasons.

Thank you both for sharing this. It clears up what I'm actually feeling, and what I've been trying to "blame" it on, I guess. After 6 weeks or so of this forum, I really thought I had it pretty well nailed down. This proves that I don't understand as much as I thought.

And what I need IC for.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, February 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry so many of you are struggling right now. It is a bit triggery to read the posts from those of you still living with your NPDs. It brings back so many memories to read your stories. What I see is wonderful women being objectified, abused and disrespected. Just like I was.

Me too. I remember like it was yesterday that crippling fear that kept me from moving forward with divorce.

My denial was incredibly powerful. But in some strange way, it also became a place of comfort to me. Not because it was a cozy type comfort, but because it was familiar and I knew what to expect. I was in this abusive loop of violence. Things would be good and running along smooth. He wouldn't be drinking. He'd be coming home at night. Things would seem almost normal. Then he'd start having a few drinks. He'd make announcements like, "See? I can quit after two or three." Then he'd start coming up with excuses to stay "late" at work, wouldn't answer his phone, etc. It wouldn't be long before the full blown melt down.

This could involve him getting drunk and kicking me out of a vehicle in the middle of a busy intersection. Beating me up. Driving his truck through my CLOSED garage. Pulling a gun on me during a black out. Throwing me out of MY house and locking me out. On vacation (a cruise) he got wasted and took my purse, my keys and my room card and threw me out of our cabin. NThere are many more, these are just a few examples. I haven't even mentioned the cheating. He was always sorry or had an excuse and was going to do better. And it was for awhile, but I was just back on the crazy loop of violence that never ended.

I was paralyzed by fear. I kept thinking he would get better. I kept thinking that if I divorced him, he would somehow magically become wonderful and someone else would get to enjoy that. Why I thought that, I have no idea, but I did. I was also extremely embarrassed. I didn't want anyone to know what was really going on and what he was doing. For some reason I felt such shame and so desperately wanted to keep this ugliness hidden.

I also knew that there was not going to be any sitting down with that lunatic, having a sad conversation about how things aren't working out and nicely asking him to leave. I was afraid. I KNEW it would be ugly and I knew that once I made that first step into hell, I had to be prepared to keep going.

In my situation, the only way I was going to get him out of my house was to file for a protection order and have him forcibly removed.

I wouldn't recommend this method for everyone, but if you have a difficult NPD who won't leave this might be an option.

What ever your situation, have a plan. Plan your work and then work your plan. No it won't be easy, but I can tell you no matter how hard or how difficult, it WILL be worth it.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 7927 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
exhausted lady
♀ Member
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, February 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but as per the "NPD Primer," it was blamed on me, on my childhood, and never on HIM.

SoHurt.....that's in the first chapter of the "NPD Primer". Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is ever their fault. They are not responsible for the devastation they leave in their wake. After all, they are "perfect", right? In their view, they are entitled to take anything they want, from anyone they want, at any time. Woe to the person that tries to point out the fallicy of that viewpoint.

Yeah, they rape. Emotionally, mentally, physically....they take and expect us to be grateful for their god-like presence and "attention".

I hope you are able to get the NPD out of your life very soon. You simply cannot heal when you have to survive being around NPD on a daily basis. Get him out as soon as you can honey. Your health will improve, I guarantee it. Mine did.


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3157 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
exhausted lady
♀ Member
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, February 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was paralyzed by fear. I kept thinking he would get better. I kept thinking that if I divorced him, he would somehow magically become wonderful and someone else would get to enjoy that. Why I thought that, I have no idea, but I did. I was also extremely embarrassed. I didn't want anyone to know what was really going on and what he was doing. For some reason I felt such shame and so desperately wanted to keep this ugliness hidden.

sadtoo....this is SOOO common. They beat us down so far that we don't recognize that we DO have the power to end it. In my case, I wasn't even married to the NPD. The house & property are mine, his name wasn't on anything. I had ALL the power, and I had let him mindfuck me into submission. I finally had that "ahaa" moment. Thank God. He had been using the "I'm going to move out and away" ploy to manipulate me for months. I finally had a moment of clarity, and told him to get out.

I have to admit, it makes me cringe when I look back at it. I let him stay here until he could find another place to live. Why did I do that? Thank goodness he was in an NPD huff (he thought I'd beg him to come back) and he moved out 3 weeks later. I really didn't start looking at things with a clear mind until a couple of months later. THEN everything started falling into place in my addled brain. I think it's almost impossible to heal yourself if you have to deal with NPD on a daily basis. They are emotional vampires, and they suck the life out of anyone in their path.

[This message edited by exhausted lady at 12:29 AM, February 28th (Tuesday)]


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3157 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
SoHurt
♀ Member
Member # 1210
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, February 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exhausted, again, thank you. It is hard to go from thinking he's just dysfunctional to full-blown mentally disordered in such a short time. I wasn't even thinking about divorce 6 weeks ago. Just looking for guidance as to how to get R "back on track."

And this is where that led me. It's hard to wrap my mind around so much. 6 weeks ago, I thought we were ok, but had issues. Now, I get terrified. Now, I see how very wrong his mind is. Now, I know I only have one course to take, one chance to make it, and one reason: my life.

Yes, I'm scared. This is a really frightening thing, facing down this monster and walking through hell. But it isn't stopping me, and it isn't changing my mind. Keeping him has become more frightening than any other option. He has to go, and I'm doing everything I can to ensure it goes as smoothly as possible. My son is bringing me money tomorrow to start that other account, and if we have to lie about going to shoot guns for a while, that's what we'll do.

No matter what, he's got to go. I can't live like this.

I hope you're right about my health... I've begun to think you are. I just wrote about that in my journal a day or so ago. I think he's caused most of this with stress.

(((((((Tribe))))))) Thank you for all the hugs and help. I couldn't have even set foot on this journey without you all.


"My feet are finally beginning to heal after 25 years of walking on eggshells."
"I walk barefoot all the time, now!"
~Me, SoHurt, in HIS NPD TAIL HURTS CUZ I KICKED IT~

DIVORCED!! =D


Posts: 463 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: I am "Somewhere else." Next destination?
exhausted lady
♀ Member
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, February 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keeping him has become more frightening than any other option

SoHurt.....keep that as your mantra. If you're dealing with NPD, IMHO, there is absolutely no hope of R. I tried going that route for 2 years. All it got me was a lot more pain and the loss of even more $$$$.

The stress of living with NPD is incredible....and the toll it takes on your health is criminal. I kept having really weird health issues - cat scratch fever, whooping cough, recurring pneumonia....you name it. My immune system was in the toilet. Because of the stress of living with an NPD SO. I think it would have killed me, if it had continued.

Since he's been gone, I've been healthy as a horse. I'm not kidding. The stress had totally killed my immune system. I think you'll feel a LOT better once you get the toxic NPD out of your life!


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3157 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
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