Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Futurefear (43176)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Adult Children Dealing With Unfaithful Parents
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, February 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have boundaries with my father, too.

He knows not to do anything in front of me, or tell me anything that he doesn't want other people to know about.

I will NEVER lie for him, nor will I cover up for his stupid choices.

(((((((hugs to all of us)))))))

We have all been casualties of the choices the ones we loved most all made.


Posts: 3080 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, February 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. Hearing both your stories is encouraging to me, that maybe I can make boundaries with my godmother. With all of them, actually. We teach them how we want to be treated. In fact, it sounds like boundaries are a big part of jumpstarting the healing process. Like you said, otherwise we're just letting them run over us again and again.

I wonder how I would say this to her? "I'm sorry, but this reminds me of something my WH did. Please don't tell me about it anymore. It triggers me." Gosh, one of the reasons why this hurts so much is because there's so much malice behind her attempts to contact this guy. Apparently, while they were serious about each other (I'm pretty sure they were engaged or at least planning on marriage), he cheated on her and got the woman who would be his wife pregnant. She refuses to call it cheating ...she just says that he got her pregnant and that she had heard that the other woman had gone after him knowing about my godmother and him. That was 40 years ago. She started contacting him about 7 years ago. He's still married to the woman from back then. I hate hearing about her excuses with him: "she doesn't make him happy", "she's never worked", "why isn't she calling him when he's at the gym? Why is he calling me?" "he just sounds so alone". It's triggery. And she genuinely does not think she's doing anything wrong. Probably because the woman he married was originally the OW. Okay, I really really get how much that hurts (been there), but to try to be an OW so many years later? Not moving on with her life? Thinking that because the children are adults (well, the grandchildren aren't), that there's no casualties? And for crying out loud, holding on despite it being very obvious that he's never going to leave his wife! Why is she wasting her time on him? Right, because he keeps her roped in, calling her his best friend. They're not best friends, they're EA partners! Because (this hurts to write) she doesn't have the self-respect or respect for others to walk away.

Thank you for this safe place where I can say how I feel.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Posts: 3761 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
momdaughterwife
♀ Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, February 29th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Silverhopes- you can approach setting new or additional boundaries however you feel comfortable. Your suggestion sounds good. If you want to leave your WH out of the equation, instead you could say, "I worry too much about you. I can't tell you what to do or make your choices for you, so please do not tell me anymore about your affair with so and so. Please know that it's not because I don't care about you. This is just a topic that is too deeply upsetting for me to hear about in detail." You could then say, "If you feel you need to discuss it, please see a counselor. I also have some suggestions for book titles that you can read." With my MIL, I had to set some boundaries in talking about FWH's alcoholism. She knows about the rehab. and AA, but was grilling me too much about it. She would never grill FWH, her son, so I didn't feel it was right to grill me. I suggested she see a counselor to talk about it and also suggested Al-Anon along with some book titles. She has not said ONE WORD SINCE!!!!


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
4myparents
♀ New Member
Member # 32562
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, March 1st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone.

I'll post my story later. I'm too tired right now, but I want to send ((((hugs)))) to all of you.

And thanks to the Mods for creating this particular thread.

4MP


Posts: 4 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: United States
purplejacket4
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, March 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the setting boundaries. Before my fWS affair I spent a lot of time as my Mom's sounding board about MOM. When I first found out, they had been together for 18 years and my mom still held out hope he'd leave his wife for her. I remember her complaining to me (just like Carrie Fisher in when Harry Met Sally) "I just don't think he is going to leave his wife!" No shit! It had been 25 years at that point. My mom actually wanted to know how long his wife would last with her neurological disease (I'm a doctor so she asked be millions of details about this one particular disease.... Ugh, like she wanted this woman to die and get out of her way already).

Since the A I told my mom: "No more discussing MOM, EVER!" I don't want to ever hear his loathe some name again. I can support my mom but not her A any longer. And it just sickens me that I ever listened or participated in it.


Me: BS 44
Her: fWS 47 (same sex partner)
Together: 17 now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 1855 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
momdaughterwife
♀ Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, March 2nd (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you Purplejacket4. Yes, once we realize we need boundaries and set them, we wonder HOW we listened and listened for SO long. You know, I used to smoke. Once I quit, I couldn't stand to be around it and wondered HOW I ever did it.
4myparents, I hope to see you here soon with your story:-)


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
PlainsGirl29
♀ Member
Member # 33520
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, March 3rd (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Recently discovered I may be an OC, MY mom was single, I am a product of a ons and never have met my dad, only had contact via phone and email which he denied being my dad, a new shock right now.

Posts: 1146 | Registered: Oct 2011
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, March 5th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi PlainsGirl,

((((((((Hugs))))))))))

How hard that must be on you! Are you able to get any answers? (DNA??)

Hi also to 4mp ((((((((hugs))))))))

This thread is great. It feels liberating to talk about this subject.

I was ashamed of my father for a long time....and ashamed of myself for having his DNA. IC helped me understand that his "sins" were his alone and not a reflection of me, as a person.


Posts: 3080 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
momdaughterwife
♀ Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, March 5th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Plainsgirl, I sincerely hope you get some answers. (((((Hugs))))))

itainteasy- don't even get me started on the shame factor. Both sides of our family know about my dad's cheating. My mom told the universe, not that my dad hid it. His workplace knew, and most of our neighborhood. In my dad's family, he's the black sheep. In my mom's family, he's a lepper, and I'm just as bad for not disowning him completely. Literally we've been blackballed from inclusion in the family. Then there's the contingent who 'feels sorry' for me. Being the subject of pity isn't much fun, either. Ugh.


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, March 6th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((momdaughterwife))))))

You are NOT your father's choices. You are wonderful.


Posts: 3080 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
icbtih8
♀ Member
Member # 23797
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, March 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump for Firefox


D-day #1 - April 29, 2009

Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue


Posts: 5424 | Registered: Apr 2009
momdaughterwife
♀ Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, March 19th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the bump. Another bump for 4myparents. I've been on the lookout for your story to be posted here. (((Hugs))) to all of you today!!!


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
nlovemyfamily
♀ Member
Member # 15258
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, March 28th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have 3 adult kids who have no real relationship with their unfaithful father. We are D but kids will not back down from their principals as they were betrayed when their father committed and gave his word he would stay and repair the destruction he caused. He did not stay and broke his promise many times. I wonder if the adult kids of unfaithful parents feel like the parent gambled with their lives? Thinking they would take the risk of losing respect, honor or even any ongoing relationship. So in effect they were pawns in the gamble. Just need to hear opinions from others in this situation!

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj
momdaughterwife
♀ Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, March 31st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I would say that I feel my dad gambled with all of our lives, including his own. We talk, but 'no real relationship' applies to us as well. His gamble did not pay off. My brother and him have fared worse than me, although obviously I have my problems. If he had gone to church with us, gone for counseling, included my mom and us in his vacations, included us with his friends, been there for us in the good times and bad, maybe my brother would not be an alcoholic on disability who's never held a job at age 47. Maybe my parents would have stayed married? Maybe both my parents health would have not gone down the tubes? Maybe my mom wouldn't have died poor and my dad wouldn't be poor too? My mom died at age 61. Stress and years of depression brought her down. She aspirated in her sleep Maybe I would not have had a dysfunctional marriage/relationship for so many years? Parent who behave badly scar their kids. I feel I've forgiven, and don't blame him anymore for everything, but I wonder about how all our lives might have been different if he hadn't chosen to be a serial cheater and alcohol abuser for years.


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
Sapphire_blue
♀ Member
Member # 34074
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, March 31st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did everything possible to marry someone completely different from my father who cheated on my mom, was emotionally detached from his family, and preferred the company of 19/20 year olds.

Somehow my husband morphed into a man who cheats on his wife, is emotionally detached from his family, and prefers the company of 21/22 year olds.

I must have stumbled into the Twilight Zone
It is so surreal.
This wasn't supposed to happen.

My mom stayed married, probably for financial reasons. I opted not to (and after having witnessed my mom's sacrifices I ensured I would never be financial dependent on anyone. Tough lesson. Thanks mom.


I think NIKs DD said it best "Mom, are married people even supposed to be on dating sites?"

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different. ― Oprah Winfrey


Posts: 887 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: USA
momdaughterwife
♀ Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, April 1st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought I married someone different than my dad, too. Before my FWH, I even dumped someone because he seemed TOO MUCH LIKE MY DAD! You see, when we've been scarred by parents behaving badly, I think it alters our ability to judge. We try so hard to seek out the opposite, we end up with the same problems repeating themselves. Lesson learned. If you grow up with parents who lie and cheat, get some counseling before you jump into your own relationships.


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
momdaughterwife
♀ Member
Member # 32209
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, April 15th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My dad, the one who cheated repeatedly on my mom, has continued to mess up his life. Now, at age 70, he has my 47 year old alcoholic brother living with him. My brother can't drive so he walks to the bars. This weekend, he fell and broke his arm walking home drunk in the middle of the night. My dad doesn't do Al-anon, won't read, etc. but keeps thinking he's responsible I guess. He keeps trying to 'help.' My mom was the same until she died. Why can't people realize that by trying to 'help' they actually make it worse for themselves and the addict???


Me BS
Him WH
2 boys
We've all been through a lot. Our family seems to be thriving again. I pray that will continue.

Posts: 825 | Registered: May 2011
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, April 19th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the mindset is guilt.

I would venture to guess that your father feels like it's his fault your brother is the way he is. So he feels like he should be 'taking care' of him.

It makes things so difficult.

((hugs))

[This message edited by itainteasy at 10:29 AM, April 19th (Thursday)]


Posts: 3080 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
purplejacket4
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, April 24th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So after 30 years my mom (WW/OW to MOM) gave up on him ever leaving his wife. (for Cripe's sake he's in his EIGHTIES now). She moved from her hometown hundreds of miles to be in the same city as me, fWS and BFF. For months the excitement of the move, change of scenery, learning a new town after 50+ years in the same place kept her going.

Now the reality of her situation has hit home. She dedicated/wasted THIRTY years making herself available to this ass. She did not develop relationships with friends, siblings or her only child. Now she has NOTHING and virtually no one. She is so depressed and talking of killing herself. She even was asking me which of her prescriptions would be lethal (I'm an FP so I certainly know how to efficiently off oneself)! I gave her 24 hours to call a counselor and schedule a follow up with her PCP (who trained me). Otherwise I'm hauling her ass to "Giant Religious Hospital"'s ER to see the psych assessor. FUCK!!! I'm a physician and I can't seem to help my own mother.


Me: BS 44
Her: fWS 47 (same sex partner)
Together: 17 now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 1855 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, April 26th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Purplejacket.... (((hugs)))

I feel very sad for your mom. She chose MM over her family for such a long time, that there may be no chance of ever reparing those relationships.

It isn't your job to fix her. It isn't your job to save her.

I think you've done what you can, by giving her a time line to seek help, or you will make sure she gets it.

How is she today? How are you?


Posts: 3080 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
Topic Posts: 61
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.