Please use this thread if you have been directly effected by this type of situation.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:28 PM, March 19th (Monday)]
There has been infidelity in my family too. My parents separated when I was two. For a long time I thought it was because of my mother's addiction, and maybe it was. But I learned a couple of years ago that she cheated on my father with his best friend. My father forgave them both, it seems, or rather I'm guessing - his best friend has been around for years, hanging out with my father and me, and I never knew.
My mother came out a few years later. She had a girlfriend. We three moved in together during my early teens, and I looked to her girlfriend as my stepmother. They were together for six years before we learned that my mother had been sleeping with one of my stepmother's best friends. It tore them apart. I learned later that my mother had asked to open up their relationship for sexual reasons, and feeling pressured to let her be happy, my stepmother said yes. Later she asked that my mother not sleep with a specific six mutual friends, including the OW. My mother asked her, "What if it's too late?" and continued sleeping with OW. When my stepmother learned her identity, she left. I came home one day to be informed that she had moved out, her relationship with my mother was over, and OW and my mother had been seeing each other and were now together. Three years later, they broke up because my mother wanted a sexual thing, and OW wanted to be the "girlfriend". Three years of seeing them together, of trying to get my father to let me be at his place more often. Three years of being left alone on weeknights while they were out at clubs, or staying at school or work late (I worked in high school), of having to buy OW holiday presents, of having to cook for her. Three years of hell.
My stepmother met another woman, and to this day they are beautifully happy together. My mother is now in a polyamorous relationship; her girlfriend is married. All parties know each other and communicate, and it seems very healthy. I am happy for her. But I am also still struggling with what happened between her, my stepmother, and the OW. I consider it cheating. And it seems like she is rethinking how she did things back then. She admits that the way she handled the "open" part of her and my stepmother's relationship was "sloppy". In the last six months, we've had some slightly more open discussions about how it went. I haven't been able to tell her all my feelings yet; how much it hurt that she could betray my stepmother that way, that it felt like she betrayed me also. I'm scared to. Maybe someday. She is surprisingly respectful of my decision to be monogamous... even though she jokes about how she thinks it's part of the "heteronormative agenda". I don't question her open relationship now; I question how open her relationship was with my stepmother when there was so much secrecy.
I think it has affected my own relationships. I put up with more emotional abuse than I should have in hopes of "earning" love. I'm working on that in therapy.
Thank you for this thread, mods.
[This message edited by silverhopes at 7:21 PM, February 18th (Saturday)]
[This message edited by momdaughterwife at 9:30 PM, February 18th (Saturday)]
Mother was born to alcoholic father and sick mother; Her mother died of breast CA when my mom was 6. Her father was murdered four days later. Lots of ugly custody battles. Her uncle and his wife eventually adopted her (the aunt wanted nothing to do with me mom and treated her like a slave child). As soon as my mom went to college she latched onto the first KISA she could find. My dad.
Since my mom had had no emotional support growing up everything revolved around things. Her family was very wealthy. My dad promised he would get an MBA and support her in the way of life she wanted. He did not. He changed his mind and decided to join the ministry. This made my mother very angry. Not only was there no financial payout but then she had to be the dreaded "preachers wife." It took all for four years before she started having an affair with... the lead deacon.
When it was time for my dad to be fired from this preaching job, too (poor dad... such the idealist) my mother threw a fit and said she'd leave him if he tried to find another preaching job. This deacon was also the only one who fought for my dad's job. I wonder why? Rotten asshole.
So my dad stopped preaching, became depresssed, started sleeping in the guest room dosing him self on massive amounts of benedryl. I'm sure he would have drank if that hadn't been "against" our religion.
So he went back to college (I was in jr. high.. only child BTW... lucky me) and he got an engineering degree and worked in that field for the rest of the time I was at home. Mother continued her affair unbenowst to me. My father knew but never asked who it was. To this day he doesn't know who the OM was.
My father started using me in inappropriate ways (nothing sexual just not right). He had no boundaries and started telling me he had the right to get prostitutes, look at porn, etc. He took me to his 20th year high school reunion because my mom wouldn't go. He would have me accompany him to work situations in the place a spouse would normally be at (I was 16). I tried to stay away from both of them as much as possible. I'd already begged him to divorce her but he refused. I just don't think they wanted a custody fight.
I knew when I went to college they would finally end it. It did take one year but the summer between my freshman and sophomore year they woke me up on their 20th anniversary to tell me they were divorcing. "now go have fun at Six Flags today." Like it was no big deal. Of course I knew the writing was on the wall because cooking utensils and sheets and towels had been disappearing as my mother stocked her "love nest" in the metroplex far away from my bedroom hometown.
So I finally got the divorce I wanted my sophomore year of college. And therapy. My father started dating with a vengeance and brought one woman after another to meet me at school. Finally after a year of this he brought one to meet me he had known for a whole month and was going to marry her!
She told me she would end it all if I just said the word! WTF!! You don't put that on a 19 year old kid!! Anyway so they got married four months after meeting. I met my step sisters at the wedding. "Hey, this is A and P, your new step sisters. They'll be living in your house now. Get your stuff out or it goes in a garage sale!"
All the while my mom continued with the deacon who was married. I finally figured out by the end of college that she was having an affair but she never admitted to it until I was 29 years old! Yes, two more years of college, four years of med school and three years of residency went by before she ever admitted that she was having an affair and who it was with and that it had started when I was ELEVEN years old!!
This was also the same time I admitted that fWS and I were more than just, ahem, roommates. So I made the crazy agreement to spend my 30th birthday with mom, MOM, and fWS in Las Vegas. WTF was I thinking?!?!?! I guess I was just grateful that she still loved me even though I was gay. WFT, I now feel like I was some kind of condoner of their "arrangement." The SOB even calls me to ask me questions about his damn prostate and his WIFE'S medical problems!!
So now I'm 42 years old. My mother has been the OW to a MOM for 31 years!! Their relationship is now platonic but only because he is now in his 80s and stuff doesn't work! Ugghh!! My mother has moved out to where I practice medicine but boy has the whole A between fWS and skank OW caused tension for everyone. How do I refer to OW as a whore-home wrecker when my mom's been doing the same thing for years. She always justified it by saying "the heart wants what the heart wants." What fuckin' drivel!
Of course I've never told the BS of the MOM. She's now in her late 70s and dying so what would the point be? The whole thing just makes me feel stained and dirty. Oh and my father still thinks that MOM is his friend and has invested money with him. I told my dad to stop giving that guy money. Really.
Anyway, when I was picking a spouse 16 years ago I purposely picked one from an intact seemingly happy family. I wouldn't marry a man because I knew I was gay and didn't want to end up like my mother. Yet, I inadvertently married someone like my mother who would cheat and so I ended up like my father instead. What an idiot!
For anyone who takes the time to read this, thank you.
[This message edited by purplejacket4 at 4:49 PM, February 19th (Sunday)]
My heart goes out to you Momdaughterwife and to you Silverhope. I have nothing to offer you but my best wishes for a healthy happy life. As I gain clarity, I promise I will respond to you with any info I have.
Please see my profile for my story.
As a FWW, I have spent quite a bit of time wondering if my father's cheating somehow gave me permission to cheat on my husband.
I don't accept the obvious answer "yes" because my father and mother's circumstances appear to be different than those of me and my late husband.
My father was married to my mother, a woman who was still in love with her first husband(deceased war veteran). He met a woman who loved him unconditionally. He had been abandoned by his mother and father as a young child and had severe abandonment issues.
After being told by his AP that she was going to break up with him if he didn't leave his wife, he made the decision and told my mother that he was in love with someone else and wanted a divorce.
My parents told my sister (age 10) and I (age 12)(our older half-brothers were already out of the house) and our lives turned up-side down. My mother committed herself to a mental hosptal and my soon to be step-mother and her two teenage sons moved in to our family home.
I immediately fell in love with my Step-mother. She was kind, loving, yet stern. We had to do more chores, but got more attention. I gave her chocolates and a card on the first mother's day we spent with her. I wasn't thrilled with her sons, but there wasn't any big problems.
My step-mother and father stayed together for approx 20 years when she died of cancer. I was heartbroken when she passed.
My mother remained bitter about my father and his actions until she hit her 80s when she developed altizmers. Ironically, he had developed the same disease about the same time.
They would both talk to me from different nursing homes in different states about each other. It was so strange. All of the pain and hatred was gone. They both just talked about the early loving times.
My question today is trying to figure out how this background relates to my having an affair.
Did the fact that my father and step-mother were happy and loving and my father and mother were distant and disconnected give me permission to be with someone else when I found myself in an unhappy marriage?
The obvious answer seems to be yes, but I wonder. Other than that difficult time during my marriage, I have been a faithful and extremely loyal mate. I didn't cheat on my first husband and he was far more abusive than my second. I have not cheated in any other relationship. And today, as a single woman, I am unable to date more than one man at a time.
Any thoughts are appreciated.
Mods thanks again. This is such an important topic.
[This message edited by wanttounderstand at 5:05 PM, February 19th (Sunday)]
Both my parents are cheaters.
My dad started cheating on my mom before they were married (they had a long engagement). Only once that she can confirm (she contracted an STD). Then cheated on her periodically after that. He admitted to a ONS with a prostitute while my mom was miscarrying, there are various assumed As before and after that. To my knowledge he mostly had PAs with hookers, however he did have EAs and possibly some PAs with people he worked with or worked for him. When my mom was sick with breast cancer and having a mastectomy in another state he was having, at the very least, an EA with our baby sitter (I was 16 at the time but my siblings were 6, 6, 6, and 9). I can remember calling my mom and telling her she needed to come back ASAP because something was going on. Too friendly with her, always "helping her" with something, she would touch his shoulders or his arm in a very non-employee way. She also made a comment about "well, if *I* was your mother..." to myself/siblings which sounds innocuous but her tone of voice implied that she considered it a distinct possibly that she *would* be our "mother" at some point. I moved out at 19 and was not aware of any A activity as I was several states away.
Fast forward to when I was 25. I now live near my parents again. My mom tells me that she and my father are getting a divorce. I am actually not that surprised or especially displeased with this. He was controlling, emotionally (though never physically) abusive, and I knew he had cheated on her (I only knew about one time and only because my sister had brought it up and I had questioned my mom about it). I also find, on his computer (while admittedly snooping), various emails to prostitutes soliciting sex.
My dad, who has had various medical problems throughout his life fell sick several days after she revealed to me that they were separating, but before any news of this had been relayed to my siblings. He was hospitalized. I offered to spend the night at their house so she could go to the hospital. Mom confides that she thinks a man who had previously worked for them is interested in her. I'm not sure how to react but say something about how she'll be single soon so then she can pursue that if she wants. She had previously been "helping" him with his "custody case" regarding his youngest child (he has 8 or so, and possibly more that he hasn't claimed and none lived with him). One night she doesn't come home till about 3am. I ask her were she was. She states she fell asleep at OM's house. Remember, at this point my siblings still think she and my father are married and fairly happy. Her "dates" with OM become a nightly occurrence, using me to cover for her. After a week of this I give her an ultimatum; she has three days to tell my siblings what is going on or *I* tell them. Cornered, she finally sits the children down and tells them (they are 15, 15, 15, and 18 at this point).
What follows is several years of hell. My father's health deteriorated rapidly. My mother instantly shacked up with OM (moving out the day after telling my siblings). OM is a drug user, dealer, emotionally AND physically abusive. My siblings bounce from house to house, not really sure which is worse. My youngest sister comes to live with me for a year. My mother spends her time working to support unemployed OM. I take over care of my father who is becoming more and more disabled as time progresses. My sister goes to live with my grandparents, my brothers come to live with my father who sets no boundaries and allows them to act out and act up in ways that would have, previously, merited strict punishment (drinking, partying, street racing, etc). My mother tries to get custody of OM's youngest child as he is a "wonderful father" (still reeling over that one). The oldest of my siblings escapes with friends and moves several states away. My youngest brother is suicidal.
Things go from worse to... well.... worse. OM becomes physically violent to my siblings. My brothers, now 17, feel they cannot leave because they think OM will kill my mother (which is probably true). My father needs progressively more care and is unable to really support himself financially.
My mother finally decides to leave, moving states away. Still in a fog over OM, believes it was only RECENT drug use that made him "crazy", continues contact with him, etc. Gets custody of his youngest child thereby binding herself to him forever.
My father, now disabled but living in the house next door to me (so he has a semblance of autonomy) has rewritten history to paint himself as the hero and her has villain. He also repaints my (and siblings') childhood as well as other key events.
My sister gets a brain injury while doing cheer leading. Mother will not pursue treatment options because she is "too busy" and (my opinion) likes that my sister is now home to give her free babysitting. Sister is now a shut-in.
Throughout both parents use, mostly me (as I prefer to be the one they use, instead of my young siblings), to pass messages and "check up on" the other person, they attempt to manipulate me (and siblings) to "their side" through lies and gifts. They lie. They ruin themselves financially. They BREAK MY FAMILY.
The current: My father died in November (3 days after I found out about my SO's A, nice that). My mother is in the "off" position of her on and off again relationship with OM. She *says* he is clean now. Brothers will both graduate HS this year (late, they missed a lot of school... guess why???). I am handling my dad's estate. I am trying to help my shut-in sister get into (and stay in) college. I am trying to get my brother, who still has severe depression, help.
So I guess I am done "dealing with unfaithful parents" but still trying to put the pieces back together from their screwed-upped-ness.
Trying to R...
I was just SO sure that given what FWS and I had BOTH suffered..., that FWS would NEVER want to hurt me in the exact SAME way.
I took out the parts that didn't pertain to me.
I took out the parts that didn't pertain to me.
This. I thought I was "safe" because he understood. The fact of the matter is that his experience was much different than mine and by the time we met, my mom and dad were separated.
WH's father died when he was a baby leaving behind his older sister, a brother not of the same mother who he's never met and who is older than him but younger than his sis, and himself. He never saw the stress and turmoil infidelity caused because he was a baby.
At the age of 11, he went to live with his grandparents and it was rumored that his grandfather was cheating on his grandmother. After years of living together, my impression is that his grandparents' marriage was "dead" and she really didn't care what her husband was up to. Of course, my impression is based on what I was told by WH.
So he basically didn't really know the ramifications of infidelity even though it was happening all around him.
How is your relationship with the unfaithful parent vs. the faithful?
Both my parents were unfaithful. My mom was the OW in my dad's second marriage. I am the OC. He left his second wife to live with my mom and was unfaithful to her throughout their relationship with various women. She knew about them but was unable to leave, emotionally and financially. She did have one or two EA's while i was young. I've only realized this recently. She finally left by having an exit A with a single man who treated her like a booty call (he called and she would leave us to be with him). This went in for 7 years. Until very recently, I had never seen my mom show an ounce of self respect.
I vowed to not be like my parents and here I am, with a wayward for a husband. Crap. My biggest struggle is "if I knew what infidelity looked like, why the f*ck did I marry a cheater?!"
As for my parents, I don't really have a close relationship with them. My father passed away in January, but prior to this, it had been close to 10 years that I had not spoken to him. He was an emotionally abusive man and our distance was more because of the kind of father he was than the kind of husband. My relationship with my mon is platonic. I tell her the bare minimum. Her disregard for us whenever the OM called left a scar. It doesn't hurt, or throw me in a fit of rage anymore, but I don't trust her to have my best interest in mind.
Maybe this is why I've been able to stay with WH for so long after dday, though what I want is D. It is known and comfortable to feel like the only one looking out for me is me. I don't believe something else could exist.
[This message edited by icbtih8 at 7:33 AM, February 23rd (Thursday)]
Beauty is a calling...a call "to transfigure what has harden or was wounded within you"
-- John O'Donohue
I vowed to not be like my parents and here I am, with a wayward for a husband. Crap. My biggest struggle is "if I knew what infidelity looked like, why the f*ck did I marry a cheater?!"
My biggest fear is ending up like my mom. Married to a serial cheater who emotionally tramples their SO whenever they want to.
Here is my story (warning, it might be really long).
My mother and my father got married in 1972, or 73. I came along in '76. My brother J, came along in '78. By 1980 my father was a city policeman, and he was a cheater.
Around this time, I just turned 5 (or maybe I was 4?). My mother's birthday is in September, and my dad, my mom, and mom's BFF went "out" to celebrate. The next morning, I woke up, likely at the crack of dawn, as kids do, and I wanted my breakfast. I remember that I had recently been allowed to pour my own cereal in the bowl, but still needed help with milk. I walked into my parents' bedroom, to ask my mom for help. To my surprise, I saw my mom on her normal side of the bed. My dad in the middle of the bed, and mom's BFF on the other side of my dad. Topless.
I remember feeling very, very scared. I walked over to my mom, and said "Mommy, why is Mrs C in bed with you and daddy" My mother sat up, looked over, and said "Go to your room."
The next few hours were nothing but screaming. J came in my room, and we just held each other.
After that, my mom just cried all the time. My dad moved out to live with Mrs C, and her two kids. I remember when my dad was leaving, I wrapped myself around his leg and begged "Daddy, please don't leave. I'll be a good girl", and he said to my mother "Get her off of me."
My mother and father divorced after that. My mother went on to marry a good guy, and they have been married 26 yrs.
My father went on to his second wife (who was NOT an OW), and had my 2nd brother, C. Their marriage lasted about 3 yrs, because he started cheating on wife #2 with a 17 yr old burger king employee. My dad was in his 30's at this time. My father introduced us to his "friend" on my birthday. He said "Let's keep this between you and me. I need you kids to be tactful." I didn't know what tactful meant, so when I got home, I asked my mother. She said it meant to keep a quiet counsel to yourself. I said "Oh so it means don't tell someone if someone else does something they aren't supposed to do?" My mother said "what happened?" So I told her that my dad brought this girl on the boat and said she was his friend but we needed to be tactful about it. My mother said "How does that make you feel?" I said "I feel scared and sad and I want to to talk to Laura." So my mother dialed up my stepmother, and said "N needs to talk to you." So I told my stepmother about my dad's girlfriend. She thanked me for being honest with her, and told me she loved me. I, to this day, treat Laura as family.
After I outed my dad, this girl used to torment my stepmother. She'd call Laura and taunt her.
Finally, she had enough and filed for D.
My father went on to marry the OW, whom I hated. She was 6yrs older than me, and didn't want me, J, or C around. So we never saw my dad.
Dad had a vasectomy after C was born, because he maintained that C was "an accident", and that my stepmother "trapped" him. I was 12 yrs old when C was born. I said "Wow, dad, I didn't know it was 1858 and you HAD to marry a girl if she was pregnant."
My father yelled at my mother for "poisoning" my mind against him. I mean, God forbid, I have my own thoughts and opinions.
Anyway, fast forward a little, and dad has been married to OW for about 8 yrs. She comes to him and asks for D. He panics and says he'll do anything to stay M. He really loved this girl. She said "well I decided I want kids and you can't have any, so I want out."
My dad had his vasectomy reversed for her. She left him anyway, after finally confessing that she fell in love with a lawyer, and she gave him the "ILBINILWY" speech. He was devestated.
I thought he got his Karma. And I said as much to him.
After a few years of being on his own, he got married again. To a woman who is 6 mos older than me, and shares the same first name with me. (Creepy). Six years ago, they had my baby brother, D. I love that kid to pieces. I even get along well with my new stepmother. She hates when I introduce her as "My Stepmother, N". I find it funny.
Now, I do act like my relationship with my dad doesn't matter. I put on a lot of bravado.
It does. I have major, major abandonment issues. The memory of him saying "Get her off of me", will not die no matter what I do. I judged my own self worth from that incident for SUCH a long time.
My dad left me=my dad doesn't love me=why should anyone else?
My first serious relationship was a best friendship that turned into romance. I was 17. He joined the Army. He asked me to marry him on Christmas the next year. By that April, he already had an OW in another solider. I found out about her that June. He left his wallet open to her picture. I thought it was MY picture. We looked A LOT alike.
I didn't know what to do. I didn't confront. Turns out he bragged to our friends that he had this "girl" back at the base that would do anything for him, buy anythinig for him, etc. My friend said "You tell her, or I will." He said he would. He didn't.
So my best friends in the world sat me down and said "N, Jamie is having an affair." I told them I knew..and the BF of my friend, K, said "He said he still loves you and wants to marry you, but when he's down there, he's "Jimmy", not "Jamie" and is living like that."
I waited for his ass. I waited for him to ETS, and come home to me. Well he ETSd alright, and he came home. For a week. A week that he hid from me. Then he moved to Boston, to be with her. They got married, have two kids and are happy.
I'm happy for him, I am. It took me a LONG time to get there though!
My relationship (or lack thereof) with my father has shaped every relationship I have had with a man. I KNOW what cheating looks like, yet I have managed to get involved with cheaters.
When I turned 30, I took a long look at my life. I forgave myself for past mistakes, and I think I truly started to love myself. I stopped basing my self worth on whether or not my broken father loved me. He does. In his own way, which is not my way. I learned that.
I don't think he's cheating on my now stepmother, but he never, ever got help for himself to see why he did what he did, so you never know.
Now, my current F, is dealing with his father's recently brought to light infidelity. I have talked about this before....his dad chose a stripper crack whore to cheat on his mom with. his mom is in her 70's. His dad is in his late 60's. He's been in this affair for 9 yrs now. He has been caught, gaslighted, admitted it, gone underground, got caught, gaslighted, admitted it...it's a vicious circle.
His mother chooses to bury her head in the sand. But, she confides in my F, which is so unfair to him. He doesn't know what to do or say, and he hates his dad now. His dad acts like he does nothing wrong and can't understand why anyone would ever be angry with him.
So we make a good pair, my F and I!
I wanted to answer the question:
How is your relationship with the unfaithful parent vs. the faithful?
My father and I have a friendly relationship, but not a family/father/daughter one. That's as far as I can go. I can say "I love you Dad", but if I try to get emotionally invested in him, I usually get burned. Instead I focus on my relationship with my baby brother. I don't know how healthy that is though. The love I want to show to my dad, I show to my brother. He loves me, unconditionally, so there is no fear of rejection. How sad is that? I fear rejection of love from my father.
My mother and I are close, although we butt heads frequently. But, with her, I have unquestioned trust. She has never lied to me, used me, or put me in harm's way. All things that my father has done.
I didn't want her in my kids' life as a mother figure.
That is very profound. To me, that's one of the scariest results of infidelity; the OP winding up with some sort of power over the children. I think you're brave for protecting your kids that way.
The thing about having these parents who cheated... It's sad because I think we learned not what kind of role model we wanted, but what kind we didn't want. And that affects us more deeply than we'll ever know. That's not a way to learn life values, by seeing horrible examples instead of positive ones. But we can reclaim some of it, especially as parents ourselves.
Something I struggle with is how much I still love my mother and didn't want to lose her, how I was always scared of losing her (she had a drug addiction during my early childhood). But what she did to my stepmother absolutely disgusted and hurt me. My therapist has said that I need to work on forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't saying that what happened is okay; it's accepting that yes, it really happened. It's letting go of some of the pain that it happened. I know it's not an overnight process. Each day I need to make the decision to forgive a little. But I'm wondering where to start. Maybe by realizing and being thankful that my stepmother has moved on, and that it's not happening to her anymore. She's not in pain anymore.
Momdaughterwife and itainteasy - I am so glad that your mothers remarried to men who loved them so much. That is the greatest gift out of so much pain. That someone better for THEM came into their lives.
My relationships with my parents were... well, they were complicated by a lot of other things. My diagnosed mental illnesses, my mother's drug addiction, my father's issues with my mental illness in middle school (he hit me a few times when I verbally pushed him too far), the split custody, historic issues with my godmother who I think has some boundary issues, my family's general issues with being passive aggressive and explosively angry, my father's decision to not be in his grandson's life... But I will say, generally, that my father has always been more responsible than my mother. During my mother's drug addiction, I gained some sort of horrible complex that I needed to take care of her (and everyone). It was unhealthy. Also that anything that went wrong, was my responsibility. That I had to keep the peace. So I hid a lot of feelings about my mother's infidelity from myself for a while. My father didn't even know about her betrayal of my stepmother until a couple of months ago, when I emailed him about it (he emails me to keep in touch and ask about therapy, but his requirements for us to keep in touch are that I am to overcome my mental illnesses and in the meantime not speak to him about my son or husband. I haven't seen him in almost two years, by his choice and not mine). Long way of saying, my relationships are complicated with them. All three of them. Forgot to mention that my godmother is an OW in an LTEA (ex fiancÚ from 40 years ago), and it makes me sick. But my therapist said that I am not to judge her for her lifestyle and that I cannot say anything against her choices out of respect for her as my elder and parent figure. I said something once, she ignored me, and continues to talk about the married man. I've begun walking out of the room when she starts. I feel shitty for being rude to her, and even sicker to think that she justifies doing this. And keeps trying to tell me about it like it's this great secret! After I've told her so many times how my mother's and WH's actions have hurt me. She's made excuses for them somewhat, and I accept that she has her own issues. I still love her. Just not her choices.
Love them, and my way of love is different ...that resonates with me. Thank you itainteasy.
[This message edited by silverhopes at 11:48 PM, February 25th (Saturday)]
It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that the way I love and the way my dad loves are very, very different.
But once I did, it was a lot easier to be around him, and involved with his life.
I am very blessed to have my stepfather in my life. He's been there in every way that counts for 26yrs.
silverhopes, my heart is just broken for the little girl you once were. You had to be a grown up way too early, and it is so unfair that you had so much adult pressure to take care of everybody.
I know my mental illnesses were hard on them though. How do you tell your parents it's not their fault you're sick? No parent wants their child to be sick. I still feel guilty that I don't know how to be normal. But we're working on that in therapy.
I think we all had to grow up way too fast.
I like what you said about your way of loving is different from your father's. That's so wise.
[This message edited by silverhopes at 12:03 AM, February 26th (Sunday)]