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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 8
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, like my lawyer said, it is at least as twice as bad as you know about. So I'm sure it's way longer than that, it's just harder to show evidence/documentation earlier than that.

Ironically I had cancelled my CSAT appointment tomorrow because it's the last day of school. And my group does not meet next week. I guess I could call her and see if she can work me in next week. But honestly IDK what all she can do to help me short term. It's just the same shit, different day. Well, maybe MORE shit but you know what I mean. I could leave him today, and there would still be more and more ddays to come. I still have to get kicked in the face with it each time, no matter what I do.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just don't know what to do. Not say anything, and fastract the post nup? See if he tells the truth in disclosure? Demand a poly?

Or confront right away? IDK if I can hide this. It will be very evident to him something has changed, and it's not good. to be "fair" I believe he wanted to tell me more when he confessed last time, but it sounded like both his sponsor and CSAT were directing him to wait for the formal disclosure. Which I'm sure would be ideally best, but again how can I sit on this powderkeg that long. Ugh.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DO NOT CONFRONT!!! Please put the evidence in a very safe place, Hath. Think of your kiddies. As NG has told us in recent days, you might need that evidence someday.

And don't give him a chance to gaslight you.

Can you put the evidence away for a few days so you can carefully consider all your options? Is it possible to fast-track the pre-nup? And is it possible for you and the children to go away for a few days? Is school over where you live? Can you visit relatives or a close friend - just to get away??

I'm rushing to an event, but wanted to write and let you know that your posts were read - and that I care. Take good care of yourself this evening. And please don't let him know you have the evidence!!!!!

-Hope


Posts: 1423 | Registered: Oct 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((Hath))))))))
"Sex addiction is the very first addiction" It often starts in childhood. They use masturbation to self sooth. The images they use for that stop being enough. They escalate. You know all this. This IS an illness, a chemical dependency similar to alcohol, drugs, gambling. He probably was white-knuckling to a degree, convincing himself that marrying you would enable him to stop the self abuse.

I would have to confront. But that's me. I will NEVER again shut my mouth and my eyes to reality. But is this NEW behavior? Other than the masturbation is he acting out in other ways CURRENTLY? Think about all of this. You KNOW too that the recidivism is in high is SA. For me, there are consequences, but if it there isn't another person involved IRL it isn't necessarily a dealbreaker for me.

Call your SA friends. Hell, PM me and call me. *****(((((((Hath))))))))))********

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 5:12 PM, June 7th (Thursday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2905 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, it's nothing new. Just profound evidence to the length and frequency.

I know legally best to wait. I just don't know that I can.

Last day of school is tomorrow. IDK where we could go away on such short notice, but that is an idea. Thanks for that, and all the support.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sent you a PM. I'm here. All night.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2905 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You ladies are awesome.

I just need to process, again.

I think I have an angle to cover the mood change. I am just going to play the antiversary card. Which isn't lying outright, just withholding the rest of the truth. Which he has no right to expect from me at this point.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again everyone. I don't want to scare anybody by signing off, but he will be home any minute and the fam has a lot we need to get done tonight before the last day of school. I doubt I will get any more computer time today. But I will keep posting as things develop.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are right. Process. These are probably the pieces he hasn't been able to tell you. And, unfortunately, you get to "feel" it all over again as though it's D-day #1. Sucks big time. BTDT. Every little piece of info feels like an anvil on your chest.

I do know that I got through it. Intact, eventually. Unless there is something so totally new to the puzzle, my guess is, you WILL process it as well, not without those dreaded (two?) steps back. CSATs and addicts just don't GET how we have to have the WHOLE story up front. Why you haven't had it after nearly a year?! Criminal.
JFYI, my fWSH said his SA began in EARLY childhood, to deal with the stress in his home...I believe him. YOU know how complex it is.
And I SO agree/disagree with the statement "It wasn't about you." Certainly the need for sexual stimulation of perverse and escalating means is not about you. But the trauma that the addict inflicts is SO about you. Why spare him your angst!? You need comfort. He is the only one that can give you that. Is he still so impaired that he cannot give you comfort/remorse/reassurance? If he has made any progress in Recovery he should be able to own the pain he is causing you. But you will best judge that...

My dear, dear Hath, honey, you have good instincts and sound judgement. But you also, IMHO, tend to over intellectualize. Sometimes you just need to let him know how PISSED you are!

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 5:51 PM, June 7th (Thursday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2905 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry hath.

I know it feels awful, but honestly, I am not surprised. As SK and TTBW pointed out, most SA's begin at a young age, and the addiction progresses over time. My H's began before puberty (but he was also sexually abused).

Definitely make the call to the CSAT. Do you have anyone from your group that you could reach out to and meet up for coffee with?

I would want to confront so bad, too! I have never had a great poker face about these things. But I agree with the others, their advice about trying to hold off is right on.

I know you are terribly disappointed. The secrets run so deep with SA. Take time to breathe, and make a plan for yourself to get through the next day, minute by minute, hour by hour. You have done an incredible job of planning from the start. You WILL be OK!!! Huge Hugs.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As an addendum, is there anyway that you can tell the CSAT that you need his full disclosure sooner rather than later at this point? That it has been a long enough time and that you need a disclosure? I think I would push for it. He has been seeing this current CSAT since January, right? I think I would give them a reasonable period of time...a few weeks? a month? And tell them that you have to know exactly what you are dealing with.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I withheld my evidence. You KNOW I came here & processed my reactions & feelings & devastation. You know the horrible stuff I sat on & didn't tip my hand. I did it for my kids. That was my mantra: Keep it together, Girl, for the kids. The kids need you, they need a strong mommy, hold on to yourself for them.

For me, though, when I realized the extent of STBX's SA, and I realized how massive a secret he'd been keeping all these years, I knew I could never stay married to him. Again, I'm sure I processed this right here on the forum. I knew that anyone capable of THAT level of deception was not a person who was healthy for me or the children. I needed to get him out of our lives ASAP.

(((((HUGS))))


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8737 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath, I'm so sorry, sweetie. I agree with TMY, you need full disclosure now. The trickle truth you are enduring is a slow death. Why doesn't anyone realize every new discovery is a fresh wound???

Somer, your post to Hope helped me, as well. Thank you.

Hope, honey, I know you've got what it takes to re-enter the job market. It's scary as hell, but you can do it. Baby step it. Temp work is a very good suggestion. This often leads to long-term employment.

My POS SAWH exploded on me yesterday when I asked for grocery money for me and my son. He screamed that I wasn't satisfied that he paid ALL the household bills and what was I doing with MY paycheck??? I am currently making $600 every two weeks thanks to a manager who wants to starve me so I will quit. (I am in commission based sales and my clients keep getting reassigned to other employees she favors)

This morning my mortgage company called to say we owe TWO past due mortgage payments. I am going to end up homeless thanks to the jackass I loved and trusted for 40 years!!!

Holding (((ALL)))) of you in the light. This is a tough ride...

[This message edited by Ghostwalker at 7:39 PM, June 7th (Thursday)]


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

***(((Hath)))***

I completely understand why some posters believe you should confront him. But you have forever to do this, and I just hope you can wait a few days to figure out the best way to do it. And in the meantime, you can put that evidence in a safe place. I just spent about 12 hours dragging text conversations onto my hard drive, and then burning them to two memory sticks. No matter what happens, I will always have that evidence. I hope you can do something like this -just in case you ever need to protect yourself and your children down the road.

Also, NG, I wanted to say that you are correct about children, divorce, and sex addiction. The courts are useless; the system makes no sense. Here's what I know: to move away, I would have to petition the courts. They have a strangely random bias for NEVER changing anything re: visitation, if it appears to be working okay. So they would say no, but I could fight it and win. It would be expensive (thousands of dollars), and I would need to use my "evidence" to prove that STBX's SA wouldn't allow him to keep the kids here with him.

So, Hath, that's another reason to secure your latest evidence.

Also, right now STBX sees the children twice a week (here at this house - they don't know OW/SA exist). The courts don't like to change things, so they would somehow want to keep the children seeing their father about EIGHT DAYS A MONTH then. So yes, you are correct that he would be awarded weekends and overnights.

I can not let that happen. So I can't move far away right now. Maybe in the future though.

I have no evidence that STBX has any sexual interest in children. His "thing" is S&M sex with adults. As far as I know, he has compartmentalized his life very effectively so that no one knew what was going on for many years. So NG, I don't have the same exact situation as you. HOWEVER, as everyone here knows, STBX's addiction and mental state have deteriorated dramatically over the past 18 months. So, who knows what he might be capable of in the future?

I do know that one-in-three people who were sexually abused as children will go on to abuse children themselves. My CSAT gave me this statistic, and I read it somewhere else recently. I'm sure that all of us would say to ourselves that OUR husbands wouldn't be the one-in-three, but let's face it: they are already sex addicts. So even though STBX apparently hasn't done anything wrong around my children, I am terrified that could change someday.

And it's more than that. How can I trust the judgement of a man who spends his days trolling CL for gay/group dangerous sex, and who lives with some very sick OW/SA? Who probably has NPD? I'm afraid of him leaving some fetlife or collarme porn on his computer or iphone for my children to see. Or maybe he'll get into some road rage incident since he seems to have a lot of NPD rage in him suddenly. Or maybe OW will say something very "strange" to them - or be cruel to them or whatever. So forget it. My children are the most important things in my life. I always write this, and I mean it: they are sweet, well-adjusted children who SO FAR are relatively unscathed by their father's problems, and I want to keep it that way. He can continue to see them IN MY HOUSE twice a week for the next ten+ years. But no more than that.

I'm not even going to allow him to introduce them to OW for several years - I'll get a morality clause put into the D, and I actually have a feeling he'll abide by it.

Which leads me to money and support. I will probably have to leave my neighborhood because of the school situation. Obviously I can no longer pay for private school for my kids - to say the least. Also, I am officially the poorest person around here - a sure fire recipe for unhappiness and terrible stress acc'd to my IC. And it will also lead to bankruptcy probably! So I am beginning to look at public school districts in the suburbs. And I will have to wait and see where I get a job - haha, whenever that happens.

So, I am focusing on getting a job, possibly starting out by freelancing and temping, and on getting this miserable divorce over with. The divorce is a topic for another day. It's not going well.

(((Hath)) and (((Somer))) and everyone: thank you and hugs. We're all in the fight of our lives one way or another.

Well, except for you, Somer - you won! But I know it wasn't easy.

-Hope

[This message edited by ChoosingHope at 7:48 PM, June 7th (Thursday)]


Posts: 1423 | Registered: Oct 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do know that one-in-three people who were sexually abused as children will go on to abuse children themselves. My CSAT gave me this statistic, and I read it somewhere else recently. I'm sure that all of us would say to ourselves that OUR husbands wouldn't be the one-in-three, but let's face it: they are already sex addicts. So even though STBX apparently hasn't done anything wrong around my children, I am terrified that could change someday.

I am of the belief that my husband very likely could be one of the 1:3, since he's already broken the boundary of sexually acting out with a child in the room on more than one occasion. And also because he's into teen porn. And several other "wrong" behaviors. The computer forensics guy I spoke with said he sees porn addicts go one of two ways, either to the S&M or child porn. Lovely.

And it's more than that. How can I trust the judgement of a man who spends his days trolling CL for gay/group dangerous sex, and who lives with some very sick OW/SA? Who probably has NPD? I'm afraid of him leaving some fetlife or collarme porn on his computer or iphone for my children to see. Or maybe he'll get into some road rage incident since he seems to have a lot of NPD rage in him suddenly. Or maybe OW will say something very "strange" to them - or be cruel to them or whatever. So forget it. My children are the most important things in my life. I always write this, and I mean it: they are sweet, well-adjusted children who SO FAR are relatively unscathed by their father's problems, and I want to keep it that way. He can continue to see them IN MY HOUSE twice a week for the next ten+ years. But no more than that.

And that is my other realty. STBX was very careless with his porn. So careless, in fact, that it was inevitable that the kids were going to find it eventually. The level of vigilence & patrolling & policing necessary to safely raise children in the home of a sex addict is just life-altering & soul-destroying.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8737 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NG)))
OMG. Did you ever see that S&M versus child porn referenced anywhere else???????

I would like to learn more about that topic. I've never heard it before, but if a SA keeps needing more and more stimulation/danger, and keeps escalating dangerous behavior, I can understand it.

This addiction is so poorly understood - it's hard to know what will happen next in the life of a SA.

I completely agree about the rest of what you wrote. It's why my children see STBX here in their house, for a few hours on Tuesday nights, and for one weekend day. In this house and around our neighborhood. I know I can't protect them forever, though, and it's exhausting, and it does suck the life and soul out of you.

I have been thinking of you and wondering about how your visitation arrangements are going.

And ***(((Ghost)))***
we cross-posted. Things are obviously not going well financially for your H, which is why he's taking it out on you. I wish I had some answers. Is it possible for YOU to temp? Would you make more money?????


Posts: 1423 | Registered: Oct 2011
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The level of vigilence & patrolling & policing necessary to safely raise children in the home of a sex addict is just life-altering & soul-destroying.


I couldn't say it any better, NG. And yes, my kids did find his sick porn (he left it up in his office). Child porn...check. Predatory behaviors towards a minor...check. Screwed up kids...check. Oh yeah, my H was definitely in the 1:3 group. I realize that many people want to say...my WH would never, but honestly, until you know the level of their depravity, you do not know what a SA is capable of doing. I know that makes me sound pessimistic, but I try to be realistic about this stuff. After some of the stuff that I have learned and heard, I don't think anything surprises me or shocks me anymore about SA.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


OMG. Did you ever see that S&M versus child porn referenced anywhere else???????

I haven't. The computer guy has written several books, though. I wonder if I should read them and see if he talks about this particular subject.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8737 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

double post nonsense

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 9:09 PM, June 7th (Thursday)]


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8737 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
somer222
♀ Member
Member # 21377
Shocked  Posted: 10:00 PM, June 7th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My former SD recently told me that she found her father's porn and emails to other women when he was married to her Mom.

She also told me that he was in the office in their home one evening with the door closed on the computer and she walked in and found him pleasuring himself while watching porn and he nearly became violent with her.

This has impacted her tremendously as a young adult, though it happened years ago, she still is haunted by it.

I hope she didn't see the kind of porn I found on my computer after D day. Turns out one of his favorite websites was one that depicted women doing it with farm animals.


Posts: 1311 | Registered: Oct 2008
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