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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 8
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IcePrincess,


Can any of you explain why he calls escorts one after the other, a minute each call?

It could be availability, price, how icky/sexy they sound, whether an agency/pimp answers, or their location.

I did see the same thing. Lots of calls of short duration, and then back to one for a few minutes to set things up.


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IcePrincess,
Your post caught my eye. My STBX used to make compulsive phone calls EXACTLY like that - not to hookers, but to S&M women he met online.

About a minute or less each call. Called them down a list, over and over. I figured he was leaving messages? I don't know.

There's just something so compulsive about it - like they're very agitated and looking for their "drug."

Just a thought. I always found it so strange -


Posts: 1434 | Registered: Oct 2011
IcePrincess
♀ Member
Member # 35576
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly, compulsive and desparate. He has an iPhone and I thought maybe he was on a website where he could go down a list and hit a picture or phone number that would auto dial. When I google the numbers sometimes they come up like sexy samantha, hot divas, or sometimes unlisted... Occasionally a massage parlor mixed in... Then there is texting going on a the same time... Until I guess he finds what he needs...

Swear... It is still hard for me to wrap my head around... Wowsy... Thank you gals for not making me feel like I'm the only one dealing with this! Xx


BS= Me 47 (SAHM)
WS= Him 48
2 Incredible boys 12 & 13(Married 20 years)
3 Ddays (that I confirmed...)

"onward and upward..." Santa Clause


Posts: 60 | Registered: May 2012 | From: South of the Mason Dixon line
IcePrincess
♀ Member
Member # 35576
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to hog the forum... I was just reading back and saw that a few of you have written that your stbx SA's are "acting out" with both men and women.

When I searched my stbx browser history on Sunday there were two specific searches @ Eros.com guide to Escorts... Transexuals, she males and more... I really really want to ignore this...

Looks like Mr. Icey's iceberg is starting to break the surface. Gulp...


BS= Me 47 (SAHM)
WS= Him 48
2 Incredible boys 12 & 13(Married 20 years)
3 Ddays (that I confirmed...)

"onward and upward..." Santa Clause


Posts: 60 | Registered: May 2012 | From: South of the Mason Dixon line
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IcePrincess,
I'm one of those posters. My STBX was/is acting out with men. I'm not sure if men are just additional props - there always seems to be a woman there too. But from what I can tell, STBX and OW/SA are always looking for a man.

I guess I was pretty shocked - not surprised, but shocked when I found out how much time and effort STBX put into finding male partners. My big D-Day revealed detailed emails from a man who likes to dress up in women's underwear, etc. etc. There's no way to know if STBX has always liked men (I'm leaning that way), or if his SA has grown so out of hand that he needs more and more stimulation/excitement. Plus, you've probably read here that it's easier to find a man to do some of these things than a woman. (I know, yuck.)

Please keep posting here - and feel free to PM me anytime. I just read your profile. Interestingly, my STBX is turning 47, we have two children (slightly younger - 5 and 7), and my D-Day timeline is nearly identical to yours.



Posts: 1434 | Registered: Oct 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Separately, (((Ghost))), I hope you're doing okay this week. Thinking of you.

And (((WS))), you too. I hope things are good.

-Hope


Posts: 1434 | Registered: Oct 2011
Hannelore
♀ Member
Member # 34546
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Help help. 2nd MC session today. I'm really looking forward to the therapeutic reveal (disclosure) or whatever the hell, when the whole truth comes out. They said it would be awhile until I'm strong enough. WTF? Just kill me now.


Me BW - 40s
WH - 40s SA


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, May 31st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your responses.

beautiful - I will look into getting him evaluated by a CSAT.

TMY - re: remorse from WH - I hadn't changed my tagline; he is now remorseful. He is working on a NC letter and is going to read the books I have asked him to read. He hasn't completed these tasks yet, so I am waiting to see if he is truly trying to R.

We have had sex a few times; I wasn't having sex with him when he wasn't remorseful. As you know, it is so difficult to refuse and it feels so good to be sexually desired by your H when you have been starved for so long. I do realize that it is probably too fast and I will be pulling back with the sex. Thanks for the reminder.

I have read "Porn Nation" and plan on reading others; any advice on which books I should start with?


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
lost family
♀ Member
Member # 32578
Default  Posted: 2:32 AM, May 31st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IcePrincess,

The short phone calls have to be some kind of looking for info, either price, maybe even just a voice, "friendliness" of the escort or asking about a certain service that he is looking for.

My SAWH acted out with men. He watched porn with she males and gay porn. He used services of she males, he was with a TV and went to gay clubs and cruising areas. He maintains that he is not homosexual, that his lifestyle led him there, more like his obsession with sex.

I am very interested in the masturbation topic. When I first read about it, I didnít agree with the views. I somehow thought that it is not the same as alcohol or drugs. It would be the same as food, and you wouldn't ask an overeater to stop eating all together. It is a physiological need. Then I read what TMY said and it does make sense.

M for the SA is a selfish act that is isolating and relies on the fantasy that keeps them in an addictive cycle. Even if the SA is not using porn to m, they have a cache of images or they could be scanning or watching something on tv and it feeds the destructive fantasy that keeps the addiction going. For my H, fantasy of any kind is a middle circle behavior. It leads to a slippery slope, even if the fantasy is not sexual in nature. Fantasy plays a big role in SA, because it is retreating in your head to create that "safe place".

I asked him last night. He used to M every day. He tells me the need is gone now, he might do it once a month, and we almost do not have sex at all (I donít want it, if it happens it is because I initiate it) and that is the easiest thing to stop. I didnít discuss much as I am not interested in his life (detaching big time), but he said something like ďit is all in the headĒ. He might get some ideas from TV or wherever but he pushes them out straight away. I donít know what kind of ideas, is it just about sex or escorts or even some sick experiences. And then comes his favorite, he will stop it altogether if I promise I am going to stay with him. No way I am staying, and no way I am making any promises (is it not better not to make promises that you know you canít keep then brake them like heís done?!).

I can see that specialists are asking them to stop the M for a year. I can understand that for them it is not only M, but much more than that as TMY explained it. It all makes sense, but is it realistic? And on top of it, how can you really know? Many of us are not even sure are still acting out, they are masters of manipulation, lying and hiding, we canít see even bigger things, so how do you know M doesnít happen? A year without sex is very long for anybody and M would be a ďnormalĒ outlet for any person without a partner.

Obviously, I am still confused with a concept, but would like to hear your opinions.

We are going away this Saturday. It will be a lovely trip, if only I didnít feel like a rag doll being taken around. Part of it is a family trip, so I will have to do happy 24/7 because of our son, and part of it would be only the two of us. We are coming back early August, I will try to log in when I can, probably not during the family part of the trip.

Stay strong.


Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, May 31st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Hannalore))) Stay strong today. Just remember to breathe - long, deep breaths. You can do it.



Posts: 1434 | Registered: Oct 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, May 31st (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sad to see so many new members, our club is growing -- but welcome to each and every one of you! You've found a wonderful group of wise and compassionate people.

Hope, lovey, thanks for thinking of me. SAWH's newest thing is he opened a twitter account. I think it is a new way to take his activities underground to communicate with his sex partners. I don't know why I continue to keep snooping, it only causes me more pain.

I asked him this past weekend to clarify HIS position on our marital situation. Get this - and I quote, "you're pretty sick right now and you need help. Maybe I'll consider staying with you if you get better". Sweet Mary, can you say TRANSFERENCE? I'm the sick one???? He's effin' bonkers!!!! Absolutely certifiable!!!

Why oh why do I even still speak to the stir crazy SOB???? I am nearly broke and cannot afford even the barest of necessities right now. He IS paying the bills, but will not give me a penny for gas, groceries, etc. I need to stop procrastinating and get to a lawyer so I can arrange spousal support. I must find the strength to do the things I cannot do.

Sending hugs, prayers and strength to all of you...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
SGRBEET
♀ Member
Member # 35442
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, June 1st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once again, I was able to get some tt out of my husband last night. I am sitting here over two years out of dday. Is this guy totally mentally ill or what? He says he wants to R but he keeps lies hidden under his false sense of honesty and trust he wants to convey to me.

Someone tell me why they continue to hide, lie, lie and lie?

And to make this worse, our MC told us that this whole week I was unable to ask him questions....he needed a break from my questioning. What is the rationale with that? I was so angry, I thought I was going to scream at him (the MC). So he gets to have me happy and he gets to have sex with me and he gets a happy wife and I get nothing???????? He did this to ME. He hurt ME. He betrayed ME and gave ME an std and cervical cancer. I don't get this it all. Someone who knows something about this, help me out

[This message edited by SGRBEET at 12:28 AM, June 1st (Friday)]


Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:45 AM, June 1st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SGR, maybe put a pause on the MC and go for some sesions of just IC?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, June 1st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SGR, is your MC a CSAT? I'm confused, somebody more seasoned help me out here but I thought standard treatment for SA was the SA had to do IC with a CSAT first and make significant recovery before attempting MC?

My SAWH has been in IC for nine months. So have I. We are nowhere near ready for MC. I also don't have sex with him, as it is my boundary that he be much further along is recovery than he is right now before we attempt it and definitely not before formal disclosure has been completed. Are we doing it wrong?


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Concerned  Posted: 8:05 AM, June 1st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MyReality said:

My SAWH and I had intercourse for the first time last night since DDay (almost 5 months). I was into it then I think I detached when it didn't feel like love making. Afterward my head was spinning with all these thoughts...mostly negative and lots of negative self talk.

I go through this as well. SI members call them 'mind movies', for me they can be PTSD type flashbacks. I go through periods when I struggle with them, but mostly they've disappeared. Unfortunately this seems to be a common symptom with infidelity- and I'm sure SA spouses have ample other reasons to get flashbacks in the middle of sex. I've had many episodes where I cried (heaving sobs) in the middle of sex. So I totally relate to where you're coming from. No suggestions as to how to stop them. Just honor how you feel & hopefully they'll subside with time.


Hugs to our newbies, the earliest days are so painful & confusing. Welcome. Down here we've BTDT, please feel free to ask questions and vent.


LostFamily, I hope your vacation is (somehow?) refreshing. Post when you can & we'll be here when you get back in August.


Hannelore, my/our CSAT said that disclosure needed to be done with ample support for the spouse, preferably with the spouse's IC/CSAT there as well. Disclosure can be incredibly traumatic & damaging in long term ways so the common method seems to be to ensure the spouse is healthy enough & well supported. That being said, I'm definitely a need to know person & I struggled with this. I felt like the CSAT & my SAWH were trying to control me & withhold information. Sigh.

Ghostwalker, sending you comfort and strength to do what's needed to protect yourself. Keep posting, it really helps.

SGR, I second NatureGirl's suggestion to do IC instead of MC right now. The MC's focus is only healing the M, not helping the individuals. I've consistently found the idea of MC to be incredibly threatening & fear producing, although I've tried. We're coming up on two years out from SAWH's diagnosis & we've not done MC. I think TMY isn't in MC either & her H is in recovery. YMMV. Hugs regardless.

Waving to WS & hath!

~ Sabina



Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, June 1st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath, we cross posted, lol. It's great to 'see' you. Sounds like you have great boundaries with your WH! Good for you!

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
IcePrincess
♀ Member
Member # 35576
Cool  Posted: 1:50 PM, June 1st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Gals, Icey here... How about some suggestions/advice on the following.

Boys and I usually travel for the entire month of July. In past STBX would be with us... Not this time... We have sold our house and are currently renting an apartment while we get through D. I was thinking that I wanted to try to get stbx completely out of the apartment and into his own place before we left for vacation bc here alone would be perfect place to have "escortpalooza" and I didnt think I could deal with that.

Then I was thinking I should set up nanny cams and let it roll. I have a call into L for advice. Any of you BTDT? I am in a fault state and currently lacking absolute non refutable fault.

I'm thinking that he wouldn't dare knowing that I'm watching his every move... But hasn't stopped him yet. I suppose I could hire an industrial cleaning service to disinfect the place afterwards and burn the beds...


BS= Me 47 (SAHM)
WS= Him 48
2 Incredible boys 12 & 13(Married 20 years)
3 Ddays (that I confirmed...)

"onward and upward..." Santa Clause


Posts: 60 | Registered: May 2012 | From: South of the Mason Dixon line
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, June 1st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Sabina. I thought that was the standard, do your IC work first, but occasionally I hear of these crash MC sessions where they have only a few sessions, then they bring on disclosure, followed by a polygraph, then more MC. IDK what it is or if it's even CSAT-bound or affiliated with anything in particular. The idea of doing something like that just makes my skin crawl. I know different strokes for different folks, but I could barely stomach the few MC sessions we had with a regular therapist while I was biding my time for her to recommend he go get a CSAT evaluation. The longer I pursue my recovery with my CSAT, the more sense the whole approach to SA recovery makes sense. Mine is very anti-codep, tho, so I often think my therapy must be somewhat different than many others.

Icey, IDK what to tell you. I know in my state it is usually best practice to hire a PI for that stuff, because the laws are so particular. You can take a time/datestamped pic of someone passionately kissing someone, but there can't be nudity or sex acts involved and you have to be taking the picture from a place you are allowed to be (not a spycam you placed in their office, for example). A lot of the tips you read in the Investigative forum here are not only not legal evidence, they can get you jail time in my state.

I'm sure your lawyer can direct you to what evidence would be most helpful for your case. But I'd strongly recommend YOU do not see the footage or pictures or whatever evidence you collect - get someone else to do it for you. It will be hugely traumatizing and impossible to erase those images from your brain. Take it from me, I have BTDT (stumbling on it unitentionally, not actively seeking it) and I don't know if I will ever fully recover from it.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, June 1st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with Hath on NOT viewing pictures. I still have not "gotten over" seeing the pictures of my husband. The ones I discovered in April I will never forget, I can never forget, they are so depraved & perverted.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8792 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
joy3029
♀ New Member
Member # 33623
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, June 1st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread has been a wealth of information. After finding receipts from a "massage parlor" this time last year my husband admitted somethings. I suspected he was a SA but he denied it, made me feel like I was over exaggerating. He was defensive for awhile, then what I though was remorse. This past year we had been working towards R, and I thought things were going well, but nope he's back to his old tricks again. This time he's less defiant and appears to be remorseful, but I'm just so tired. I'm just so exhausted I can not even process what I'm feeling. He went to see a therapist who specializes in SA... which we really can't afford but it's needed. I don't have anyone I can talk to. I know that have AA meetings for spouses of SA. Has anyone ever gone to one and found it to be helpful?

Posts: 32 | Registered: Oct 2011
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