Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Futurefear (43176)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 8
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, May 26th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Leaving tomorrow to go see new apartment and pick up WS. Then I'll be returning Thursday night to finish packing the old apartment. Then spending a few days with my parents (first time they'll have seen WS since December...can we say awkward?!?) Then hoping to move June 7th or 8th.

But officially, WS and I will be back together, sharing a bed...TOMORROW. I should be more nervous than I am, but mostly I think I feel ready. Ready to see if this marriage is going to work out or not, ready to start a new chapter, ready to see if things will be different, ready to move on...

We shall see what the future holds. You'd think after everything I've been through, I wouldn't allow myself to be so...hopeful.

And yet I am. Ah well, I guess there are worse things to be in life.

I'm more nervous about seeing the apartment he picked out than I am about seeing him, haha. Please God...no rats!


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, May 27th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NatureGirl~

I did ask him why the missed appointment this morning. He first tells me that he has 3 books to read as homework (I'm Ok, You're Ok, Games People Play & one other) with no deadline to finish them, and then he tells me that the IC told him he thinks SAWH is in a good place right now & can stretch out a little betweenn appointments. My reactions are: 1) giving homework needs a deadline, flag, 2) if SAWH is in a good place, why give homework now? Although it could make sense, 3) Sounds like SAWH & IC hit a sensitive topic & SAWH wants some time to digest. Of course, all of this assumes this is true. An assumption I'm not making. The good thing in all of this is that SAWH does have another appointment scheduled for the 3rd week in June.

Meanwhile, I'm making up a list of IC's who do trauma work with women. Phone calls to be made Tuesday morning.


WS-

Good for you re: apt & feeling ready to be together again. Fingers crossed for no rats. Rodent rats that is. People rats, you may find a few.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
Hannelore
♀ Member
Member # 34546
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, May 27th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is a sex addict.
I love him. At least I loved who I thought he was.

MC with specialists is 300.00 a week! They don't accept charge cards. We are going, 2nd session next Wed.

I've read several books, joined
this site, going to the shrink.

[This message edited by Hannelore at 12:34 PM, May 27th (Sunday)]


Me BW - 40s
WH - 40s SA


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Hannelore
♀ Member
Member # 34546
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, May 27th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do I give my posts a title?

Anybody else have trouble not driving off a bridge on way home from MC?


Me BW - 40s
WH - 40s SA


Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, May 27th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,
Just for a moment of levity, I have to tell you all that I posted a quick note of support to a male runner on the S&D board last night, and I wrote "I'm so impressed you did it with SEX weeks of training." (Instead of six, obviously.)

It's going to take a long time, even after the divorce, for me to look at the world and not be worrying about sex and sex addiction! I'm so mortified I may need to stop posting on S&D for a while!!! But I thought you would all understand!

-Best to all,
Hope


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Oct 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, May 27th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, (((Hath))), I hope you're taking good care of yourself, as promised, this weekend.

(((WS))), good luck and please keep us posted - will be thinking of you!

(((Sabina))), you're in my thoughts. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. This is all so terribly traumatizing, and it takes a toll on all of us. I hope you find the right IC for yourself.

(((Hannalore))), my STBX is acting out with men and women. I have never figured out if he is gay, or if he is bisexual, or if his SA has just escalated to the point where he needs more and more stimulation/danger. Please keep posting - I'll try to help in any way. I only wish I understood it all better myself.


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Oct 2011
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, May 27th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, Hannelore. It's one of the most painful things for me to cope with, knowing my SAWH so willingly deceived me to protect himself. Therapy is indeed extremely expensive. Absolutely vital, IMO, for healing. But dauntingly expensive. Weekends can be slow in terms of posting. Please be patient with us.

Again, welcome.

And yes- therapy is emotionally devastating. The rollercoaster for SA Spouses is unbelievably difficult.


~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
SGRBEET
♀ Member
Member # 35442
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, May 27th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are back in counseling 2 1/2 years out of dday. I know that my H is lying...still lying every day about what he did. Because of SI and your responses, he is being evaluated for SA. Pretty sure he is going to be diagnosed as a SA but in the meantime, how do I deal with the continued lying about what he did or didn't do and now back in MC, all the feelings are coming back up and the anger and sadness are overwhelming. Here we go again with all the crap.....help me out....I'm lost in a sea of pain.

What can I do to help myself through this again? I know I am not SAFE here until he gets help. I KNOW I will be subjected to this again if he doesn't figure out why he did this in the first place.

I really feel hopeless and don't know what to do. I don't know if I can do this.


Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, May 27th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the hardest things for me was finally reaching the point where I accepted that I could not help or change STBX, and in reality I never could. In fact, it was never my place, as it is never anyone's place, to change another adult.

It was gut-wrenching to give up my illusion of control. In reality I never had any control to begin with. STBX was never my responsibility. It was hard work to consciously DETACH.

DETACH
D = Don't
E = Even
T = Try
A = And
C = Change
H = Him

As long as the spouse of an SA trys to help the SA, it will all go to shit. The spouse of a SA has to learn to pull back & work on themself only.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8752 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
SGRBEET
♀ Member
Member # 35442
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, May 28th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just brought this up with my H and told him he needed to work on himself because I can't "fix" him and I can't make him decide to make good choices regarding our relationship.

He looked at me like he didn't understand what I was saying.....geez, are all these guys in total denial?

I really don't know if I can do this any longer. It's been a very difficult marriage (at least the last 15 years have been) and I don't know if I really want to deal with any of this much longer. He needs to get his act together or he is going to lose me forever. I think I might just need to move on so that I can be healthy.


Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012
IcePrincess
♀ Member
Member # 35576
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, May 28th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all, I've never posted in this forum and am fairly new to the entire site as well, although I have been reading here for a few months. I filed papers about 10 days ago and am anxiously awaiting every single day for this to be over!

The last message was hot for me because I seem to be stuck in not understanding all the denial either. For me, the more he denies the more I seem to need to prove... It's a big horrible cycle that I'm stuck in...

Yesterday I took my older son 12 to a party and left my younger son 11 here with Dad/stbx/ws/sa? When I got home around 9:30p and walked in he quickly shut his laptop... Hello... So this morning at 6:00am I am up and trying all passwords until I finally get into the browser history and see searches for eros escorts, socislsex, loveme.com, etc... Etc... Not just a few... Tons... Obviously that's what he did all day while I was gone. The searches are getting more and more alarming btw...

So when I again confront him for the millionth time (this time with screen shot pictures of the web browser history from his laptop clearly dated yesterday) he denies, says I searched thOse sites to set him up... Says what does it matter we are getting divorced anyway... Walks away... Says rude remarks as he heads towards where the boys are... BTW that's one of his latest tricks -Quickly get to within ear shot of the kids bc he knows I won't say anything in front of them, but he'll give a parting shot in front of them like "why don't you go be a dective bc that's all you do anyway... Hey boys, whatcha doing?"

I don't know... I don't like being the dective... I don't want to be the detective... We made a deal no porn in front of kids or when he has kids but obviously he cant control himself (he was drinking too but I'm not sure how much)... Maybe once he moves out of house I'll feel less of a need to wake up at 6am and go through the browser history.

It really difficult for me to listen to him purposely lie and continue to deny. I know he's lying. I can see he's lying. I have enough proof that he's lying. Why do I keep needing to prove too him that he's lying?

Guess its time to head back to IC... I really enjoyed it last time and was able to come to a decision to move forward with divorce. Now gotta let it go... Thx all for letting me get that out!


BS= Me 47 (SAHM)
WS= Him 48
2 Incredible boys 12 & 13(Married 20 years)
3 Ddays (that I confirmed...)

"onward and upward..." Santa Clause


Posts: 60 | Registered: May 2012 | From: South of the Mason Dixon line
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, May 28th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first post in this forum. I've been dealing with WH's EA with an old HS GF and his subsequent gas lighting, minimizing, blame shifting, etc.

He also is into porn, but that has been on the back burner because of the other issues. We have talked about it and he seems honest. He has been looking at and M to porn since he was 16, when he saw his first playboy magazine. We have been together for 20 years (M for 10) and he has hid his porn from me the entire time. He says videos, standard male female sex, nothing kinky. With the advent of porn on the Internet, he looks at that now. When I confronted him about the OW, he admitted to porn too, even told me the website he goes to ("it's free", as though that would make it better). He says that he hasn't looked at porn since I confronted him almost 2 months ago. He does admit to M and he did this everyday when I was recently out of town. He says he fantasizes about me sometimes when M; the other times "nothing in particular" which I suspect is a lie.

Our sex life was terrible - pretty much sexless (few times a year) for almost our entire relationship. No sex on our wedding night, no sex on our honeymoon. The last 3 years, we haven't had sex at all. We just started having sex again after dday (HB) and it has been great - lots of foreplay for me and it is better than it has been in years. I would try to initiate sex, but he would reject me previously. After dday
, I started going to IC and working on myself to make our M better. He said that he didn't want to have sex with me previously because he was unhappy, hated the sex (it was terrible for me as well), didn't feel connected to me (I was critical of him and he is sensitive to criticism - not excusing his behavior). He said he didnt do anything about it because he kept hoping it would get better.

We saw a sex therapist for a year and didn't see any improvement. WH wasn't invested, only went due to threat of D from me.

So, my question is, can someone look at porn for 30+ years and NOT be a SA? WH says he looks at it anywhere from 3 times per week to as long as 2 weeks.

Sorry so long and thank you to the other SIers who saw my other posts, suggested that SA might be an issue, and pointed me in this direction!


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
SGRBEET
♀ Member
Member # 35442
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bad night!

SA H told me he blames his brother for his cheating with strippers, escort and the like. (His brother was a jerk to him growing up and bullied him as an adult). What the heck???????? Then I told him that he is responsible for his own behavior and he got mad at me, slammed our bedroom door and broke it and stormed out of the house.

I can't deal with his crap anymore. HE DID THIS! NO ONE HELD A GUN TO HIS HELD AND HE IS ACCOUNTABLE FOR HIS ACTIONS!!!

Believe it or not, I don't care anymore. I found a lawyer online and am calling tomorrow. I can't do this anymore.


Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SGRBEET, it can't hurt to talk to a lawyer. You can google lists of questions to ask a lawyer during a first visit. This helped me to stay focused instead of breaking down and crying about what STBX did to me.

Stay strong.


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Oct 2011
beautifulmess7
♀ Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been away for a little while because of craziness at work. I'm just getting caught up and checking in. It sounds like a lot of you are moving forward & making really healthy decisions. Way to go!

numbandnauseous - None of us can really say for certain if your husband's porn use is "normal" or an addiction. Sex addiction has to do with a lot of factors. One of the most important IMHO is whether the behavior has become out of control or is negatively affecting his life somehow. I strongly suggest you read the resources on the first page and see if there are any CSATs in your area. That is the main way you can get a firm diagnosis - from a licensed expert.

IcePrincess - Denial and lying are extremely hard to deal with. I hope for your sanity's sake that you two can get out of the same house sooner rather than later. I also really hope for your kids' sakes that your STBX SAWH gets help and recovers for himself. Either way I am sending you strength and hope for a better future.

SGRBEET - Only you know what you can handle. It's a good idea to look at your options. No matter what the discussion, his anger and violence was unacceptable. I hope you are feeling safe and secure today. Thinking of you...


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My thoughts on masturbation:

While in a relationship, M should not be occurring (as a recovering SA). One of the biggest challenges for a SA is to learn healthy intimacy. Learning healthy intimacy is a process that takes a lot of time. For the first 1.5 years of my H's recovery we did not engage in any sort of HB, and both my H and I had to grow into intimacy. We did have some awkward sexual intercourse but something changed about 1.5 years out. We started to connect on a deeper level. There was a trust there, not only for me, but a level of safety for him, too. M detracts from intimacy. M for the SA is a selfish act that is isolating and relies on the fantasy that keeps them in an addictive cycle. Even if the SA is not using porn to m, they have a cache of images or they could be scanning or watching something on tv and it feeds the destructive fantasy that keeps the addiction going. For my H, fantasy of any kind is a middle circle behavior. It leads to a slippery slope, even if the fantasy is not sexual in nature. Fantasy plays a big role in SA, because it is retreating in your head to create that "safe place".

Hath is right about the 90-day sobriety from all sexual actions - the people at Keystone mentioned the brain chemistry rewiring thing, too. But to echo Nealos, I think that works best when it's coupled with the 90 meetings thing. 90 days of complete sexual sobriety is really tough to do for anyone, let alone an SA.

I believe Keystone recommended no masturbation for the first year of recovery. After that, I think it depends on the triggers of the particular SA. For my WS, masturbation is one of his biggest problems. He used to do it everyday, multiple times a day - he'd do it to help himself wake up in the morning; he'd do it at night to help him go to sleep; he'd do it in the afternoon while he looked at porn; he did it when he was stressed; he did it when he wanted to celebrate or "reward" himself. Basically it's a wonder his penis didn't fall off...NO WONDER he never wanted to have sex with me.

For my H, m was also very self-soothing and that is why it will always remain in his inner circle behavior. I don't know what CSATs recommend for single SA's, but I know that in our relationship porn and m have no place. It is amazing the difference and how satisfying and how little effort it takes to be sexually intimate now, several years out. I never thought I could be happy sexually with my H after having had years of sex only a couple of times a year.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

numbandnauseous,

I will echo the others that only a CSAT can diagnose and treat SA, so it is hard for us to say whether or not your WH is a SA.

However,

Our sex life was terrible - pretty much sexless (few times a year) for almost our entire relationship. No sex on our wedding night, no sex on our honeymoon. The last 3 years, we haven't had sex at all. We just started having sex again after dday (HB) and it has been great - lots of foreplay for me and it is better than it has been in years. I would try to initiate sex, but he would reject me previously. After dday
, I started going to IC and working on myself to make our M better. He said that he didn't want to have sex with me previously because he was unhappy, hated the sex (it was terrible for me as well), didn't feel connected to me (I was critical of him and he is sensitive to criticism - not excusing his behavior). He said he didnt do anything about it because he kept hoping it would get better.

to me this is a big red flag. My H was so busy in his own fantasy world of porn, m, and extramarital encounters that he had no energy or desire for me. SA's also do not want to have intimate sex, so it is not uncommon for them to not want to have sex with their spouses. I was so rejected, that I had thought of having a RA before we separated on the last d-day. I think that if he is open to exploring whether he is a SA, then explore it.

Your tagline reads that he is not remorseful. If that is true, I wish to caution you about HB. If he is a SA, what you know of his activities are probably just the tip of the iceberg. And if you are not in R, is HB really good for you emotionally? I understand wanting to be desired, I get it, but you have to protect yourself at this point. And if he is indeed a SA, it is part of the addictive cycle...a d-day happens and then the SA tries to placate and normalize things to maintain the status quo. It just keeps repeating.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to all. These are trying times for everyone.

Just wanted to post something quick and positive, before I forgot. I just stumbled on the What Every WS Needs to Know in the Wayward thread, and at the very bottom of the post is a list of six things a WS can say to their BS on a regular basis as part of the path to healing:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again.

I sent just this part to my SAWH back in February, and he did make some attempts to do it. He started trying to do it in earnest again about a month ago. He never remembers all six points but he hits a different three every time, and what he says is genuine and heartfelt. I have been really surprised how much it has helped *me*. I need to hear he knows what he did and that it affected me, and that he accepts responsibility, feels shame, won't do it again, etc. It has really made a difference.

Not that I still don't have a lot to work through and decide, but thought I'd share it for anyone else that might find it useful.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
MyReality
♀ New Member
Member # 35245
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((SA Spouses))
I read all of your posts often. I find them very helpful but I rarely post myself. Today I'm a bit stuck and would appreciate any feedback. My SAWH and I had intercourse for the first time last night since DDay (almost 5 months). I was into it then I think I detached when it didn't feel like love making. Afterward my head was spinning with all these thoughts...mostly negative and lots of negative self talk. I went into the bathroom and began to cry. My SAWH was very supportive and tried to comfort me. I was just too stuck in my head to allow him to do so. I'm still having trouble sorting through all my feelings.


Me - BS 35
Him - SAWH 43
DDay#1 1/19/12 DDay#2 4/6/12
Married 7 years
2 Young Children

Posts: 18 | Registered: Apr 2012
IcePrincess
♀ Member
Member # 35576
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going through my husbands cell records to get them organized for the attorney. Can any of you explain why he calls escorts one after the other, a minute each call? Could be twenty in a row... I was thinking that he calls until he gets one who actually answers the phone. Anybody else find this? Thx, Icey


BS= Me 47 (SAHM)
WS= Him 48
2 Incredible boys 12 & 13(Married 20 years)
3 Ddays (that I confirmed...)

"onward and upward..." Santa Clause


Posts: 60 | Registered: May 2012 | From: South of the Mason Dixon line
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.