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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 8
SGRBEET
♀ Member
Member # 35442
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, May 20th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I am in the same boat....it might take years for my H to full disclose of his actions and problems regarding his SA.

I think he knows that this is it for me if he doesn't follow through with counseling and he must become a better person or I will D him. He finally SEES me! I have set consistent boundaries over the past two years since dday but I still don't know if he is being truthful about his past. That is what I struggle with.

From what I have been learning is that these guys have a capacity to lie, lie and even lie more to cover up their behavior. It's truly unbelievable to me how you can be with someone for so long and not know who they really are. Is there something wrong with me???? Sometimes dealing with all of this is sooooo exhausting.


Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012
beautifulmess7
♀ Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, May 20th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is nothing wrong with you. The problem is with him. I haven't gotten full disclosure yet. Most of the truth I got I had to drag out of him. Even though he doesn't lie about sexual behaviors anymore (that I know of) I still catch him lying about stupid stuff. I honestly think breaking the pattern of lying is the hardest thing for him. It is definitely the hardest thing for me.

[This message edited by beautifulmess7 at 3:41 PM, May 20th (Sunday)]


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, May 20th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, there IS something wrong with us after living with an SA for years, whether we know about the addiction or not. We become ill trying to cope with their moods, deceptions, and everything else. Of course we become sick! The next step, the only step is to get off the merry go round and get healthy.
Easier said than done especially after years of ingrained behavior. But VITAL.
BE KIND to yourself, Sugar. You did nothing but try to preserve your family and your sanity. Like the rest of us.
And IMHO, if an addict isn't working on integrity in ALL areas of life, he/she is NOT working the program. You should have clear boundaries for this as well. Again, my opinion.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 11:23 PM, May 20th (Sunday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2905 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, May 21st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BEET, there was something wrong with me. I was co-dep. I was an enabler. I am highly skilled at compartmentalizing.

I remember the terror when I finally faced that the man I married, lived with, and the father of my children was not just a complete stranger, he was a really creepy dude who, as far as I'm concerned, is a sick pervert. WTH was wrong with me that I didn't see it for so long? Or WTH was wrong with me that I did see it, but didn't do anything about it (aka RUN AWAY)?

I'm working on myself now. I'm getting better. I'm starting to understand my issues. I'm able to recognize unhealthy thought patterns. I'm at a point now where I can sometimes see the dysfunction in another person (because it's a reflection of my own dysfunction), whereas before I wouldn't.

There is something majorly wrong with me. Just by living with an addict for so long would make something be wrong with me. However, since I also have FOO issues, I'm definitely a work-in-progress. My biggest prayer is that I got my kids out of this dysfunctional environment soon enough that, with generous amounts of love & counseling, they won't be permanently screwed up, too.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8737 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
SGRBEET
♀ Member
Member # 35442
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, May 21st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I DO think there is something wrong with me...why did I settle for so much less than I deserved for most of this marriage? Why did I cover for his emotional absences and anger towards our children and me? Why did I stay when I knew there was something fundamentally wrong in our marriage? There is SOMETHING really wrong with me for doing that!

I remember praying when my second child was born 18 years ago hoping that things would change and that he would stop being so emotional absent and abusive. I didn't want my marriage and my family to end. I subsequently had another child hoping that he would be happy (his first boy). It never worked, nothing I did worked. He was never happy and continued to turn away from me and dump his "crap" (inability to deal with life) on me.

It makes me so sad to think that I didn't leave then. I begged and pleaded with him to go to counseling (he did for six months but the therapist focused on him (imagine that!) and his inabilities to emotionally connect) so he decided he wasn't going to participate anymore.

I ended up having a mental and physcial breakdown eight years ago. I was doing everything to make everyone's life right. I found my way to happiness without him. I saw a psychiatrist that was great and with medication and therapy I found my way back. I stayed in the marriage but disconnected to a degree and I thought I was making it work but he was cheating on me with strippers, etc. He still isn't honest and won't even give me some type of timeline of his activities. So, we are headed back to counseling on Tuesday this week. Maybe I will get some clarity. But again, why am I STILL trying to make this work when so much of myself is destroyed and damaged. Will I ever be okay?


Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012
lost family
♀ Member
Member # 32578
Default  Posted: 2:14 AM, May 21st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did get a full disclosure. It looks like it doesnít happen often among SAs.

After do first DD, I kept asking questions, trying to make sense of something that had no sense. Of course, I was still very naÔve, but the first story was so childish that even I could see through it.
Basically, he said he visited swingers clubs when on a business trips overseas (which happened every 2 years) because he needed to better his sex life. How do you make your sex life better if you visit the club ONLY every two years????

I had almost no information, but kept turning the story around, asking questions, wanting more, telling him I had a right to know more and that he has to show some respect, man up and tell me. The second DD came, some info, not all. I just kept pushing and he broke down and on the third DD a found out most of the things he has done. I think this is when he hit rock bottom and believe it is very important. He cannot give me a timeline, which I believe, so many things, so many years, no special relationships, it probably is difficult to place it. Whatever he tells me I place in my world, I forgot a lot of details from my life and some things that I remember I canít place exactly in a certain time of the year, or month, much less a day.

Since then there were more lies, mainly concerning his state of mind. He minimized the importance of it. When I found his secret e-mail accounts there were only a few mails, but it was enough. I donít believe a word that comes out of his mouth anymore.

As for how he treated me and our son, I canít really complain. The picture of a great husband and father was what he was living in his visible life. Very considerate, helpful always there for us. It wasnít all the bed of roses. We had a very ordinary, routinely lived marriage. On my side, it gave me the security and stability, maybe even confidence, so many people around me had more marriage/family problems. I didnít get flowers, or great birthday presents, but neither did most of the people I know. There was no romance, after 25 years I didnít really expect it. On the other side he would always try to protect me, do things for me or instead of me (guilt maybe?), he was always there for me. So, I canít say there was abuse in any way. How can someone BE these two people confuses me even today. There just istnít a good enough explanations.

I donít have any advice as how to get to the truth. How and why he decided to tell me, I donít know. Pressure???

Hugs to all


Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, May 21st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ladies, be gentle with yourselves. There is nothing "wrong" with you. You were subject to the ultimate betrayal, and your mind and body did the very best it could to survive with all the info and resources you had at the time. And because usually the betrayal is largely secret, at least for a time, it doesn't seem like it would be on par with as say, combat trauma, but it is. It is literally one of the worst things a person can go through and there is no way you can come out unscathed. There will be fallout. There will be collateral damage, especially if you had/have children. These are all things beyond your control, all not your fault.

What you CAN do now is focus on YOU. Get yourself healed. Get yourself in a place that makes YOU happy and feel safe and loved. Then the rest falls into place. Because you have not been allowed to do that for so long, being in survival mode doing triage for the trauma, you have forgotten how important this is and how everything else falls into place when you are. This is also not your fault. But you can get there.

Holding you all in the LIGHT!


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, May 21st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

Been busy packing...only 1 week until we reunite after a 5 month separation, 2 weeks until we move in together in our new place in a new location. I am scared. I don't know what to expect.

I've been through a lot in the past 5 months, and overall I'm pretty proud of how I've held up. There have been plenty of bad days, but considering the terrible darkness of the situation...surviving seems a true accomplishment.

I've started taking better care of myself (for the most part). I exercise. I've splurged on some new lotions, conditioners and make-up (some good results, some bad, haha). I cut my work week down to 45 hours and made / started spending time with friends. I actually feel pretty good - starting to get used to living on my own. Kind of forgetting what it was like to live the other way...

So I don't know what's going to happen once we resume "married" life. I was cleaning out the garage and came across several notes from WS following several online discretions I had discovered before Dday. In them, he expressed how he was SOOO sorry for hurting me, how much he wanted to change, how I was the only woman he loved, how he was going to do whatever it took to get better, etc. I tore them up and threw them out bc on Dday, I would learn that while he was writing these notes, he was actually having oral sex with coworkers.

It's hard not to wonder whether everything will turn out the same way this time.

Concrete things that are different this time:

1) He went to Keystone.
2) He's attending 8 12-step meetings a week, and has agreed to maintain a minimum of at least 5 per week for the first year, and 3 per week for the first three years.
3) He seems to enjoy going to these meetings and hates when he has to miss them.
4) He's visiting a CSAT and therapy group once a week.
5) He seems to benefit from going to these and does not refer to them as a waste of time or money.
6) He's sharing about FOO issues that I never knew about before.
7) He's shared with me things I did not discover on my own nor would I have ever discovered on my own about his acting out.
8) He talks about his Recovery - his struggles, his triggers, his emotions, his revelations - instead of waiting for me to bring it up, or avoiding it all together.
9) He offers suggestions to help with his SA - like installing safe-eyes software, activating a 20 minute lockup password, uninstalling the private browsing option, coming to bed when I do and not staying up later than me, etc.
10) He's taking on more couple responsibilities - found the new apartment, set up the utilities, switched the mail, etc.

I guess I don't know what else I would ask him to do other than what he is already doing...it's nice that the crux of his recovery seems to be resting on his shoulders and not mine.

And yet, I guess I would be a fool not to be at least a little scared.

A little scared that once we're living together again, things will revert. A little scared that the change will be so gradual, I won't notice it. A little scared that I could get an STD or endure yet another public humiliation. A little scared that I'll never be able to love him again...to love him fully...to trust him...to respect him...to be proud to call him my husband.

[Big breath.]

I don't know. Take it day by day, I guess. Hard to predict these things - it could go either way.

At least I am no longer naive about the problem or its severity. If it happens again, this time I will not be shell-shocked.

But going through facebook and looking at some of my former boyfriends - boys who are now successful men w seemingly happy families, sometimes I ask myself...why did I have to marry the guy w SA?


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
SGRBEET
♀ Member
Member # 35442
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, May 21st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS-

I am so impressed by your resiliency regarding your situation! I am praying that I KNOW what I am really dealing with in my relationship so that I can make a good decision regarding my situation.

I wish I had your strength and willingness to forgive and work on my marriage. I don't know if I can do it.

lost family-Did knowing the "truth" help you move past your H's actions? I don't think my H has been totally honest and I feel it has me "stuck" in limbo hell.


Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, May 21st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello WS!

I've started taking better care of myself (for the most part). I exercise. I've splurged on some new lotions, conditioners and make-up (some good results, some bad, haha). I cut my work week down to 45 hours and made / started spending time with friends. I actually feel pretty good - starting to get used to living on my own. Kind of forgetting what it was like to live the other way...

It seems to me that you're creating a life for yourself - and now you know that there's happiness out there, with or without your H. As you know, I hope your husband continues his strong recovery (I'm so impressed by the 8 mtgs. a week), but it seems like you would also survive AND THRIVE even if the absolute worst happened and your H relapsed.

I hope you can keep up all your new activities and friendships after your H arrives. Good luck, my friend.

-Hope


Posts: 1423 | Registered: Oct 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, May 21st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, (((Ghost))), I hope all is okay - I've been thinking of you.


Posts: 1423 | Registered: Oct 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, May 21st (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but it seems like you would also survive AND THRIVE even if the absolute worst happened and your H relapsed.

Yes, I think this is true. I need to hold on to this thought during the next couple weeks, months. It will be hard living in a new place, a new state, a new part of the country(!)...but it is also a chance for a new beginning. I need to keep a life for myself separate from him - that is healthy whether we would stay together or ultimately divorce.

WS attends a variety of meetings - I don't know all the acronyms: SA, SLAA and I think there's a third one. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, he has two meetings in a row because the first is SA and the second is SLAA. He seems to like the SLAA ones the best, but he says they are also the smallest. There are no S-meetings on Saturdays in his area.

When we move, he will have to establish all new S-groups (although he gets to keep his CSAT and therapy group). I'm a little worried about that...he likes the groups he currently has. What if the new ones don't have the same vibe? He will also be under a lot of stress: dealing with me and my 10,000 emotions, trying to find a job without any references from his previous occupation, jealousy over my continuance in the profession he loved and can never return to...

I don't know. It is going to be hard for him, and obviously he is still healing and very vulnerable.

But that is his problem really. I cannot fix it for him, nor do I want to anymore. I hate that I feel so closed to him currently - maybe that will open up over time.

Either way, I can make it on my own. I'll be working on my PhD at a great school, so it's not like I'm moving just for him. This is a good move for me, no matter what he does. I can make it on my own if I need to. I can, and I will have a happy life with or without him.

I am strong. I am invincible. I am woman!

Thanks for that thought. Love you Hope!

[This message edited by WS is an Addict at 10:39 PM, May 21st (Monday)]


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
lost family
♀ Member
Member # 32578
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, May 22nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did knowing the "truth" help you move past your H's actions? I don't think my H has been totally honest and I feel it has me "stuck" in limbo hell

SGRBEET,
A simple answer is no, it didnít help me.

DD3 was when I found out the how big it was. All the things he was doing. It was (or is) very, very big. I was so shocked I couldnít even cry. Honestly, my only emotion was shock, and I thought he is crazy, seriously crazy. I insisted he goes to personality tests, I hoped to have some empirical way to prove that he is not normal, because only a crazy person would do stuff like that. I was also very, very scared of him and his possible influence on our son once we separate/divorce and he starts having him on his own. Not that he was ever acting out with children, but the porn, the women he might bring around, comments he might make, places he might take him. That was how terrible the truth was, I was thinking it was possible that he exposes our child to hookers etc. Scared of a man I thought was such a gentle soul, such a responsible and honest person. I was sick of the psychological mambo-jumbo and wanted proof. Nothing came out in these tests. It didn't show he was crazy, yes a few problems but, in my eyes, nothing that would explain such behavior.

And I am still in limbo. It is difficult to put these two people together, the one I knew and the one that existed without me knowing. The only thing I know for sure is there is no way I want to spend the rest of my life with anyone that was able to do stuff like that. Is it addiction, is it personality, is it purely because he could do it, makes no difference. It was not always addiction, it had to start slowly and where were the brakes??? Will I deal with something else along the line because he has no brakes and he is so selfish then when he wants something badly heíll walk over our dead bodies to get it? I donít think so. You can PM me if you want details.

WS wish you lots of luck, courage and strength in your new beginning. Itís normal to be a little bit scared, it is a big step, you are moving house, changing a job, and like that is not stressful enough have to restart your relationship and build new foundations.

Choosing hope, You always have kind words for all of us, thank you.


Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, May 22nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS ~ I wish you every happiness going forward, sweetie. I have always been in awe of your resilience, strength and insight. Like others have said, no matter what, you will thrive.

Hope ~ Hi sweetie, I have sent you (and others) messages via PM. I'm not sure my function works because I never receive responses. I should ask a mod if I'm doing something wrong.

I'm hobbling along. I detach from SAWH, feel some peace, and then we have constant situations that throw us back together. We spent the weekend opening up our summer cottage. It has always been such a joyous time for us, but I felt nothing but sadness.

We have not worked out the particulars of how to divide our time there. I think he thinks we'll just continue to spend time there as husband and wife. He is so oblivious, it is frightening.

Here is an example of a conversation from this weekend: (ME) I am so happy to be here, this place gives me such peace. (HIM) I get it, I'm scum. You've already established that, so just keep your thoughts to yourself.

What the f*ckity f*ck???? I'm not kidding, it's that crazymaking! I am going to enjoy my summer there, rebuild my strength and move forward with the D in the fall. He and I will work out some sort of schedule where we don't have to see one another. He' NOT ruining another summer for me.

Love and peace to every one of you...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Either way, I can make it on my own. I'll be working on my PhD at a great school, so it's not like I'm moving just for him. This is a good move for me, no matter what he does. I can make it on my own if I need to.

WS - When I read these words, I know you're going to be okay, no matter what. For what it's worth, I gave up my dream career in publishing when I was 28 to get married to STBX. We moved to a different city that just didn't have any real publishing houses. To this day, I deeply regret this decision - I never again found a career that I loved so much - or that I was so good at. I don't regret staying at home for the past seven years to raise my little kids, but I do regret giving up my first career. Anyhow, it makes me so happy to see you moving forward towards your PhD. It's something that no one can ever take away from you, once you finish it.

Your upcoming months might be hard, but the only way out is through! (I know, I'm the cliche queen.) Your H will adjust to the new groups. He seems incredibly motivated. And in the meantime, you're doing what you need to do for yourself.

(((GHOST))) I will PM you. I don't think I received your latest PMs. I am so happy that you can relax in the cottage this summer. No one in the world deserves to slow down and take care of herself more than you do. ((((HUGS)))) I will PM you.

I was so shocked I couldnít even cry. Honestly, my only emotion was shock, and I thought he is crazy, seriously crazy. I insisted he goes to personality tests, I hoped to have some empirical way to prove that he is not normal, because only a crazy person would do stuff like that. I was also very, very scared of him and his possible influence on our son once we separate/divorce and he starts having him on his own. Not that he was ever acting out with children, but the porn, the women he might bring around, comments he might make, places he might take him. That was how terrible the truth was, I was thinking it was possible that he exposes our child to hookers etc. Scared of a man I thought was such a gentle soul,

(((LostFamily))) I could have written these words. When I went to cut and paste them here, they made me cry. They're too close to home for me. I'm so sorry, you don't deserve any of this.

Lastly, I'm asking for some prayers. Tomorrow we meet with the L to finalize the world's toughest "shock and awe" letter to STBX, who refuses to come to the table or even acknowledge that we are getting a divorce. I've spent thousands of dollars so far and gotten nowhere. It's always so humiliating to sit down with the lawyers. And STBX's practice has certainly taken a hit: his salary is down 50 percent. I'm afraid it could go down to nothing if his behavior/lifestyle continues. Therefore I'm worried about the shock and awe tactic. But nothing else seems to be working. I nearly added a line here about how my STBX used to be the greatest, kindest, most successful guy, but I think I do that out of shame - to explain how things weren't always this way. So I'll try to skip it from now on. The reality is that I'm in a tough spot. Prayers gratefully accepted.

-Hope



Posts: 1423 | Registered: Oct 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All the things he was doing. ...I was so shocked I couldnít even cry. Honestly, my only emotion was shock...I was also very, very scared of him... Scared of a man I thought was such a gentle soul, such a responsible and honest person...It is difficult to put these two people together, the one I knew and the one that existed without me knowing.

This was also my experience with disclosure. I don't even know if I can remember half of what was said...I remember every type of activity but not the number of times, people, places. It was so overwhelming, that I just kind of shutdown in shock...no crying, just shock. Then I was scared of him...physically scared. I don't think I wanted to know the truth so much as I just wanted him to own it. Disclosure was a terrible experience, and sometimes I wish I didn't know. But then I think, it's not that I hate knowing about the things he did...it's that I hate that he did them. I understand your wanting to have complete honesty...for me, it was necessary to start the process of healing...of getting to know the real person I'd been with for the past 9 years...of accepting reality. Knowing his activities didn't encourage me to stay or to leave...only his actions led me to that decision, and even now, my staying is conditional.

*****(((((SGRBEET and lostfamily)))))*****


I am going to enjoy my summer there, rebuild my strength and move forward with the D in the fall. He and I will work out some sort of schedule where we don't have to see one another. He' NOT ruining another summer for me.

Good for you, Ghost. He does seem to be acting very unstable, and I'm glad you've recognized that it is he who is crazy-making and not you who is crazy. Hope you can enjoy some peace and relaxation at your special summer place - you've been through hell and back, and you deserve a piece of heaven.

*****(((((Ghost)))))*****

I nearly added a line here about how my STBX used to be the greatest, kindest, most successful guy, but I think I do that out of shame - to explain how things weren't always this way.

This is so sad, Hope...and yet very insightful. I too struggle sometimes to "justify" why I married an SA...especially when people like Patrick Carnes suggest that we purposefully "sought" them out. I think that is bunk though. You married STBX when he was (or at least appeared to be) someone else, and now that he's become someone different (or at least revealed his true nature), you're leaving him. That sounds pretty healthy and courageous to me! Please do not be ashamed - you were a victim, and now you are a survivor. You did not lay down and die; you did not hide from it; you are facing it head-on. No one could have predicted this would happen.

(And once D is final and all the strings are cut, I think you should re-investigate the career you loved )

BTW, what is the "shock and awe" tactic? Praying for you always!

*****(((((Hope)))))*****


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope, honey, sending you prayers, prayers and more prayers. You so deserve to move on with your life. I, too, hope you return to your beloved career. It's never too late, sweetie! Yes, pm me and let me know how it goes!!! I'll be thinking of you and worrying right along with you...

WS, thank you for your ongoing support. You are such a sweetheart!

Love and peace to all of you...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
Will-I-Ever-Know
♀ Member
Member # 32703
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone, I've been lurking here for about a year, but couldn't bring myself to post in the SA forum. I'm not at all sure that that's what my husband is yet. My story is in my profile, for the infidelity aspect. That isn't quite the issue at hand... at the moment.

He's addicted to porn and I thought he was getting better. Turns out, he just got better at hiding it from me... again.

I have keyloggers on both his computers. It didn't hit me that I needed to check his old CPU tower. I didn't think he was using it anymore. I was wrong. He started using it for porn 3 weeks ago. I thought he was okay for the past 4. I found a DVD last month and lost it. Turns out, he just started using the old tower a week after the initial discovery. I'm a fool.

We'll have been married a year next month. WTF did I get myself into? Does Porn Addiction always lead to SA? Do I need to D him now and just cut my losses? I'm only 22. I love him so much though. I really thought he was going to make it. What do I do??? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I don't know when I'll be on next. Probably Thursday, he hates SI. I'm so sad, and so torn. You are the only people I have to turn to... And I trust y'all more than anyone. I have to put on the "My marriage is perfect" face for everyone else.

Thanks for your help,
Will-I-Ever-Know


Me BS:21
Him F?WH:23
OW:34!!??
DDay #1 June 2010
Full blown 6 month long PA: OW was his 2nd Girlfriend.
Many DDays & TT for the rest of this year!
In R, Married on June 25th, 2011.

WARNING: I am long-winded. Sorry in advance. :)


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jul 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will ~ I am glad you found the courage to post here. You have found a wonderful, wise, supportive group of women here.

My case is rather atypical because as far as I can tell through my internet sleuthing, my SAWH was not into porn. He joined a married cheater website and had sex with multiple women over a two year period. Many on this forum do have SAWH's who have a porn addiction. I'm sure they will come along shortly to assist you.

I am very sorry for your pain, hon. Is your H in some kind of treatment program? I wanted you to know you have been heard. We are here for you. Keep posting...

Sending you hugs and strength, sweetie...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
Will-I-Ever-Know
♀ Member
Member # 32703
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for replying, Ghost. You are an amazing group of women and I don't know how I could go through the things y'all have been through.

He isn't in treatment. He suggested MC about a week ago, "Before things get bad again." I asked him if he had a specific reason for saying that, i.e. had he slipped?, and he said no. Meanwhile he's been snowing me for 3 fucking weeks. I haven't told him I found out yet. Just sitting on it until he asks where his CPU tower is. It's in my trunk... if he asks where I put it, I'm just going to reply with, "Why do you need it?" I'm sure he'll say something like he was taking off all his old itunes and music and photos and such. Then we'll have a problem, because I'm over the lying to my face, the gaslighting, and the pretend guilt that was never there, because before me he didn't view it as wrong! My bullshit meter has been broken, but I guess in my own foggy-ness, I went out and bought a new one!

edited to add: He still doesn't really think it's wrong... He just doesn't like that it upsets me.

[This message edited by Will-I-Ever-Know at 9:16 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday)]


Me BS:21
Him F?WH:23
OW:34!!??
DDay #1 June 2010
Full blown 6 month long PA: OW was his 2nd Girlfriend.
Many DDays & TT for the rest of this year!
In R, Married on June 25th, 2011.

WARNING: I am long-winded. Sorry in advance. :)


Posts: 157 | Registered: Jul 2011
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