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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 8
dumped&replaced
♀ Member
Member # 34288
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, May 11th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

Just spent the last couple hours reading through this thread...I feel the pain and hurt coming through so loud and clear from all of u.

But I have to say, for those of u who have "hung in there" - God bless u cuz it must be really tough but you will be able to look back and say that u did all u could...

For those of us (including me) who filed for divorce I want to say thanks to the last person who posted and pointed out LOUD AND CLEAR : THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU

I think we all "know" that in our minds but it is soooo hard for our emotions to catch up to that...it may be the truth? But it doesn't take the pain away.

Now, I really would like to ask a question of you all: In your opinion, is my STBX a sex addict? Based on the only knowledge I have:

1. For the past 3-4 years, he always came to bed late at like 1AM and I went to bed at like 11. He was on the computer in the basement, playing computer games I THOUGHT.

2. I would see from "google history" that he was visiting porn sites. Once, our teenage son accidentally clicked on one and he and his father had a great laugh about it (nice parenting huh??)

3. And this may be too much information but I'm gonna throw it out here anyway cuz you all know how totally humiliating all this, might as well be honest: I found, many, many, too many times ..ummm. "soiled" silk underwear of his near the computer in the basement.(oh and lots of money spent on "special underwear" on credit card statements)... Which really hurt because I was upstairs in our bedroom reading a book at the time.
I did tell him how much that hurt me and he said he'd stop but he did not.

4. He started with ED about 4 years ago...we could start but we could not finish...he always assured me it wasn't me and got upset with himself...after a couple years of this I BEGGED him to get a physical and talk to his doctor but he always refused. I bought the book "the Sex Starved Marriage" and asked him to read one freakin chapter...left it on his nightstand...he said he would but never did.

5. I found Levitra pills in his car a couple days before D-Day. They were filled 10/10. We had not had sex together since around that time until 5/11 . Of course he was screwing the MOW at a hotel down the street starting 12/10 (that I can prove) so that explains that.

6. We were supposedly "working on our marriage" all last spring/summer and there were a few "successful" attempts at sex but mostly the same old...not being able to sustain...and him getting really pissed off about it.

After Dday 8/22/11 he admitted that sex with MOW was also "hit or miss".

7. I discovered he joined a website called "affairmatch.com" whose purpose is to hook up married women with married men to have sex. He was paying $40 a month for this service, starting in 7/09. I was able to get on the website using his password so I assume he is still paying this bill???

OK I know maybe that was all TMI but I am desparate....does any of this sound familiar??? Do you think there is alot I DON'T KNOW??? Is this SA or MLC? which , btw, he is a TEXTBOOK EXAMPLE of MLC but that's another topic....

Thanks for listening everybody - oh and Choosinghope , thank you so much for pointing me in the right direction with this thread :)


Dday: 8/22/11
Divorce final: 10/6/12 - my 22nd wedding anniversary
Married: 21 years, together 23 years
BS: 51
WS: 47
2 awesome sons, ages 19 & 20

Posts: 198 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: PA
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, May 12th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBX did a lot of that stuff. Masturbating to porn at the computer rather than being with me. Money spent on online sex clubs where married women & married men find each other. ED coupled with Viagra useage when we hadn't been together. Could never sustain an erection. Refused to read/watch anything or work on our marriage or our sex life.

SA's cannot stop their behavior. They can white-knuckle stop for a time, but they cannot sustain it. And it escalates into worse & worse behavior.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8756 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, May 12th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi D&R,
I hate to think about all the things I discovered my STBX doing. But I saw your list, and a lot of it is similar. Having said that, I'm not sure if your STBX is a sex addict.

1. For the past 3-4 years, he always came to bed late at like 1AM and I went to bed at like 11. He was on the computer in the basement, playing computer games I THOUGHT.

Yes, this is exactly what my STBX did in 2004, during his first round of acting out. I made it easy for him since I was pregnant and liked to sleep a lot.

And now that I think about it, he did it throughout 2011 too. But at that point, he switched most of it to work hours.

2. I would see from "google history" that he was visiting porn sites. Once, our teenage son accidentally clicked on one and he and his father had a great laugh about it (nice parenting huh??)

My STBX hid his tracks very well, so I rarely found porn. But I did often find his entire web history erased. And he started using Foxfire, which has a feature that allows you to surf without leaving any history.

And now that I think about it, I did find strange things on his computer - but I never found normal porn.

For obvious reasons, I do not like Internet porn and think it's a gateway to SA, but I think that a therapist would tell you that porn itself is okay. The problem is when the user can't stop using it - or when it escalates and start to create problems in his life - or when it leads him to looking for real people online, etc.

3. And this may be too much information but I'm gonna throw it out here anyway cuz you all know how totally humiliating all this, might as well be honest: I found, many, many, too many times ..ummm. "soiled" silk underwear of his near the computer in the basement.(oh and lots of money spent on "special underwear" on credit card statements)... Which really hurt because I was upstairs in our bedroom reading a book at the time.
I did tell him how much that hurt me and he said he'd stop but he did not.

Some people might call me a prude, but I find this alarming because it's sort of like a fetish - and it seems compulsive and secretive and repetitive. Like a ritual. Or maybe it's just his behavior escalating - NG is right; their behavior gets stranger and stranger with time if they don't get treatment.

Again, my therapist would say that fetishes might be odd or distasteful to most of us, but they are okay as long as they don't interfere with also having an intimate sex life - in other words, if your STBX had an otherwise normal sex life with you and could perform without the silk underwear, etc., this sort of thing might be "okay."

4. He started with ED about 4 years ago...we could start but we could not finish...he always assured me it wasn't me and got upset with himself...after a couple years of this I BEGGED him to get a physical and talk to his doctor but he always refused. I bought the book "the Sex Starved Marriage" and asked him to read one freakin chapter...left it on his nightstand...he said he would but never did.
Yes, yes, yes. Exactly this, including books I asked him to read and doctors appointments I made for him. (He blew them off.)


5. I found Levitra pills in his car a couple days before D-Day. They were filled 10/10. We had not had sex together since around that time until 5/11 . Of course he was screwing the MOW at a hotel down the street starting 12/10 (that I can prove) so that explains that.

Yes again. I've even posted on here asking about ED pills. This is how STBX got caught the first time in 2004. Now apparently he takes them all the time. I don't understand why, etc. Maybe someone here has read more about it and can explain why a SA needs pills!

6. We were supposedly "working on our marriage" all last spring/summer and there were a few "successful" attempts at sex but mostly the same old...not being able to sustain...and him getting really pissed off about it.

After Dday 8/22/11 he admitted that sex with MOW was also "hit or miss".
Yes, and yes.

7. I discovered he joined a website called "affairmatch.com" whose purpose is to hook up married women with married men to have sex. He was paying $40 a month for this service, starting in 7/09. I was able to get on the website using his password so I assume he is still paying this bill???

Yes, probably.

I wish I could help more. There are some similarities in our stories, and this was a helpful exercise for me. Your husband seems similar to my husband in 2004. This time around, his behavior is way way worse than that of your husband. But I'm not sure where to draw the line and say THIS, THIS is SA. I hope that others can help you more. I can't remember if you've read any books yet - they might help. I know someone will be able to point you to the best book for you. I've read so many of them that they all blur together.


-Hope


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Oct 2011
wolf_heart
♀ Member
Member # 35262
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, May 12th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found this article that links sexual dysfunctions to porn and masturbation. http://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex/2012/05/abusing-porn/

So, when they can't preform and we aren't getting satisfied again it comes to their selfish behavior. I wish all men could read this article and think about what they are doing to their bodies. They are setting themselves up for failure. What I hate is the guilt I feel when he can't complete. I have to get rid of that mind set, he did this to himself.


Married 26 years
BW: Me, 47
WH: 47
DDay#2: March 8th, 2012, with one of my good friends.
DDay#1: Oct. 20th 1992, 2 years post PA
Attempting R
Without honesty, loyalty, and commitment; saying you love someone, simply means nothing.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Southwestern Area of USA
lost family
♀ Member
Member # 32578
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, May 12th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to add that not all SA have these problems.

1. He watched porn, I would say a few times a week.

2. He was always interested in sex, with me or anybody else, the point was to have sex, the more, the better

3. He never had any ED issues. There was no way he would't get his orgasm.
He did try Viagra (not with me) because he was curious, but didn't like it.

4. He joined many sites to be able to find f..k friends, put ads in personals (to many things to mention).

And to finish I would like you to see some of his answers on his profile on AFF which shows he would f...k anything.

Q: How much does physical appearance matter to you in a partner?
A:Sexually - not very much. Everybody is beautiful in a certain way

Q: How important is physical attraction to you in a sexual relationship?
A: Very, but i draw sexual attraction from various, much deeper sources

In describing himself

Q: What words best describe your personality?
A; Outgoing, Intelligent, Honest, Funny, Loyal, Sensitive, Compassionate, Adventurous, Confident, Creative

Q: Tell us what things in life are most important to you.
A: Honesty, loyalty, and fun

Amazing, isn't it???? An honest and loyal person looking for a bit of fun on the side, doesn't mind who is he going to have it with!


Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2011
somer222
♀ Member
Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, May 12th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost -

#1-4 also applied to my ex.

After the D, he put an ad on AFF offering to take his "perfect" woman to the Caribbean, all expenses paid by him. He was totally broke at that time, barely working, and there was no way he could pay for a trip to the zoo, let alone the Caribbean.

The ad probably got him some responses from women who thought they were auditioning for a free trip, only to find later they just got taken for a ride.

[This message edited by somer222 at 2:09 PM, May 12th (Saturday)]


Posts: 1311 | Registered: Oct 2008
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, May 12th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wolf heart - Thanks for posting that article. I found it very interesting.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
dumped&replaced
♀ Member
Member # 34288
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, May 12th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your responses everybody..I appreciate it! Hey, what is AFF??


Dday: 8/22/11
Divorce final: 10/6/12 - my 22nd wedding anniversary
Married: 21 years, together 23 years
BS: 51
WS: 47
2 awesome sons, ages 19 & 20

Posts: 198 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: PA
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, May 12th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1, 4 and 6 apply to my SAfWH in spades. I didn't find out about the porn (and it was UGLY, NASTY porn) until, exactly 4 years ago today. I found out about strippers in 2008 and thought EAs until 2010 (really 2 EAs turned PAs) But he had lost interest in me sexually, couldn't finish, and also ignored my pleas to fix it. I bought the same book. He never touched it. I assume he was masturbating.

No one other than a trained CSAT can make a definitive diagnosis and no one other than a CSAT can really be an effective counselor IMHO.

My SAfWH also had a MLC. Then he had a LATER life crisis. Still later an ONGOING life crisis. Much of it was caused by his acting out. Like any addict, they will find a reason to use. I made excuses for his mistreatment of me ("he's stressed, he has adult ADD, he has clinical depression) The real reason was he had his head up his ass. Too often addicts use their illness as an excuse for their behavior. It isn't. They chose coping methods that were/are selfish and destructive to the people around them. They don't get a pass on that.

Educate yourself about SA, surely. It helps to know the genesis of the disease. And while you didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it, and you certainly could have been the most beautiful, accomodating, interesting, sexy woman in the world, they STILL would have pursued their whores, make no mistake about it, THE PAIN AND TRAUMA they caused IS ABOUT YOU. You deserve nothing but complete and total transparency, honesty, and, yes, a fair amount of groveling. And if you aren't getting it, THEY aren't getting it.
Take care of you. Detach to a large degree. Make choices that will protect YOU. If you choose to reconcile or try to reconcile, it is on YOUR terms. Because it IS about you.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 8:03 PM, May 12th (Saturday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2915 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Chili
♀ Member
Member # 35503
Question  Posted: 8:10 PM, May 12th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been all over JFO thread and found this thread.

Can anyone direct me to a good resource here for how to deal with the initial confrontation? One A has now turned into...well...from the phone records I've made it through...4 thus far.

I am in shock and finding comfort by educating myself here this weekend. My longtime IC got me into a slot on Monday and I will be seeing attorneys. But until I have that in place, I have to play the actress and/or avoid him without tipping my hand.

Any hints would be appreciated beyond belief.


Me: BSO
Him: Assclown
Too many years tied up with him.
April-May 2012 pretty much sucked.
"I'd love to give a dog a bone, but I'm not gonna stick around to help you" - Jack White

Posts: 242 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Reality
dumped&replaced
♀ Member
Member # 34288
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, May 12th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chili,
I am so sorry you found yourself here...this is the best, supportive club that you never wanted to be a part of but now you are.

I joined SI within 2 days of DDay and filed for divorce about 2 weeks after that...STBX was textbook midlife crisis but i only recently came to the realization he is most likely a sex addict as well, He definitely spent waaaaay too much time viewing internet porn and ED was the result.

Just want to say that I really, really know how intense your pain is right now but time DOES help hon!!! I am 8 months out now and I can go a whole day without crying...I can go an hour or 2 without even thinking about him...I am still looking for answers and trying to figure out what the hell happened but those first few months of absolute , heart wrenching "my life is over" pain are behind me now...and u will get there too.

Sorry I can't answer your question about the initial confrontation...dumbass basically told me the day before son left for college that there was someone else, I went through financial records and told him the next morning I wanted a divorce (which I didn't actually file for 2 weeks)...but i am sure someone else here can help.

Hang in there and stay strong!!!


Dday: 8/22/11
Divorce final: 10/6/12 - my 22nd wedding anniversary
Married: 21 years, together 23 years
BS: 51
WS: 47
2 awesome sons, ages 19 & 20

Posts: 198 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: PA
wolf_heart
♀ Member
Member # 35262
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, May 14th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, my WH is still on the fence with the sex addict stuff. He thinks because he wasn't a child molester or rapist he isn't a sex addict.
Let's see..
He watched porn daily, even in the living room sitting about 6 feet from me.
He was masturbating often. He still hasn't said how often. When the first A happened he said he was raw from masturbation.
He would pester me till I gave him what he wanted and didn't matter to him that he was pressuring me for sex. If I denied him he would get upset and masturbate.
He was fantasizing about other women and porn stars when we were having sex.
He had an A with one of my friends, started out as an EA, but she promised to rock his world and give him the best BJ of his life. He was disappointed with her and after their 4 days together came home and decided not to have sex with her again. Continued the EA however. He was also upset because she used a push-up bra and he thought he was getting larger then a B cup breasts when he went to see her. He was also upset with her rather large vagina.
So, can we say picky about sex? That he wasn't satisfied even with another woman. He actually told me that on my worse sex day I beat her out hands down. What the heck am I suppose to do with that? He still had sex with her 3 times. He went back for more basically. He said he only came once with her.

I think a sex addict would put an A into sexual terms as fulfilled or not. They only cuddled once according to him, so she was just a sex tool. Which is what I felt like for years.

He is trying to make things right with me. He has deleted the porn off his computer. He sits next to me on the couch now so I can see what he is doing on his computer. He says he hasn't watched any porn since we discussed all this, so over 2 months. He is making sure I want to "make love" to him and not just have sex. He gets upset if I am not into it and give it to him. He is being a ton more affectionate. I just don't know if I can trust that this will last. Not to mention is he telling the truth. Which is something I suppose I will have a hard time dealing with. He lied too much and for too long for me to trust him anytime soon.


Married 26 years
BW: Me, 47
WH: 47
DDay#2: March 8th, 2012, with one of my good friends.
DDay#1: Oct. 20th 1992, 2 years post PA
Attempting R
Without honesty, loyalty, and commitment; saying you love someone, simply means nothing.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Southwestern Area of USA
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, May 15th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chili ~ I'm sorry you find yourself here, hon. Your post is from Saturday, did you confront him yet? I found SI after my initial confrontation, so I did many things wrong. But the following Ddays (yes, there were many), I did better. First off, never reveal your sources. Save and copy everything.

I received the most information from him with a bold-faced lie. I told him I hired a PI and knew practically everything. I told him this information was going straight to my lawyer. The canary started to sing after that, but he always only admitted to whatever I had uncovered. I'm sure (and no longer care) if I know it all. I'm sure I don't, but I know enough.

Regrettably, while in one of our many false R's, I revealed I found all I needed through his web history. Huge mistake!!!! He deleted ALL of it, and I lost all my proof. Learn from my mistakes, sweetie. Keep us posted, Chili. Sending you strength and warm hugs...

Wolf ~ I don't know any man who readily admits he is a SA. My STBXH laughed when I told him I thought he fit the criteria. His response: "ha, all men are sex addicts". Ummmm, no they're not. I remember once asking my WH if his partners were sexually satisfied with their encounters. He stated he had no idea, it was all about HIS sexual gratification. This may be the only truthful thing he ever said to me. Stay strong, Wolf and don't trust him yet, hon. IMHO, he's got a lot of work ahead of him.

Love to all my sisters...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
beautifulmess7
♀ Member
Member # 35259
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, May 15th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been away for a little while because it has been a busy few weeks. Hugs to everyone, especially the new folks. It is a really hard road, and I'm sorry you have to be here with us.

I don't really know what to say as far as advice for confronting. I would echo what Ghostwalker said about having your evidence, calmly laying out the facts, and not revealing your sources. Tell him that you know everything and don't let him continue to deny his behaviors.

My biggest mistake was not sticking to my guns and setting firm boundaries and expectations. We had over a year of false R before we were married where I just blindly trusted that he was fulfilling his promises to me.

This time around I made sure he understood what I need to feel safe and stay in the marriage. The tops things on my list are:

1 - Honesty and Transparency. This is a really hard one for SAs, and it is a hard one for us to gauge. What this meant to me was that he stopped denying and gaslighting, admited what he had been doing, stopped hiding things, and gave me access to everything (computer, phone, etc) whenever I wanted it.

2 - Individual counseling for him. I had him find a therapist who was CSAT certified or who specialized in sexual addiction/ infidelity. He goes to him at least once per week.

3 - Marriage counseling. This was really necessary for us to learn to communicate and deal with the issues in our marriage. We started off once per week, but now we are down to twice per month.

4 - Sexual exclusivity. I made it clear that I expect my husband to be sexual only with me. It seems like a given, but it really isn't for these guys. I would start by laying out the ground rules about not just no physical contact with another woman, but also no cyber sex, phone sex, sexting, or inappropriate relationships or any kind. I also had to draw a line in the sand over pornography viewing, especially because it leads to so many other sexual dysfuctions and can get very out of control for a SA. To accomplish that we set up internet filters and block that only I have the password to, computeer tracking, and we also removed the ability to browse the web from his cell phone. Those are obviously more symbolic than designed to really stop him from all use - if he wanted to I still don't doubt that he could find a way around them... But it is a good first line defense to help block out triggers.

5 - Support Groups. My husband's therapist also suggested that he attend at least weekly SA (or SAA, SLA, etc) meetings. At first he had a really hard time with this because he couldn't find a good one and he struggled with admitting his SA. I unwisely let that go for about 9 months. He is now back to regular SA meetings.

Whatever else you need to feel comfortable in your marriage is what you should ask for. He will be resistant. He will want to "negotiate." I suggest that you really decide what your non-negotiables are and stick with them. He needs to understand that you are worth staying with and fighting for, and that it will take actual hard work to accomplish that goal.

This is a really rough time, so please let me know if you need any support.


Posts: 242 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
hopefulfutur
♀ Member
Member # 34964
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, May 15th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love the statement it has nothing to do with you. I get that. I understand it in my head, but my gosh it sure doesn't feel that way. It makes me feel ugly.

The things that he watched (hopefully past tense), I don't look like that. I hate when he looks at me because I feel like I'm not enough. I know it's not me but if I was enough why would he turn to that? If I'm everything he wanted? This is the part that goes through my head often and I want to get out of this thinking. I'M TIRED OF THIS.

Has anyone been able to get the happy feeling back with their partner?


DDay 9/30/11
DDay 3/13/12
Separated 11/10/2012

Posts: 154 | Registered: Mar 2012
seriously?99
♀ Member
Member # 35124
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, May 15th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SAWH would rather get a divorce than come clean about being SA. He is fighting all counseling like his life depends on it, being super nasty to me and refusing every attempt.

He moved out on 3/19, D-Day, I wish I had found this sight before D-Day, I did a lot of things wrong.

I gave him the option of me, our marraige & family & counseling or to move out & he chose to move out.

He is now in his own apartment and quickly losing his control over his life.

He has been late to work 4 times in the last 2 weeks. He has mentioned hanging himself 5 or 6 times in the last 2 weeks.

I first found his porn when we were married for a few months, a huge stash of it, magazines, movies, etc (that was before computers). He begged to stay, promised to get rid of it, to never do it again. Blah, blah, blah. That began the cycle. Many discoveries, a lot of heartache for me. Computers just made it worse. He even became a computer programmer so he could surf porn all day at work. he stole his bosses credit card # and used it to pay for porn sites. He set up email accounts and operated that way for a very long time. He finally got fired from that job and had to take a job that didn't have computer access. I think several of his "lost" jobs were due to his addiction.

Our sex life, quickly became non-existent shortly after we were married, for many, many years I thought it was me. he allowed me to think that while he was taking care of those needs by himself, he would tell me it was much easier that way, no one else to please.

Recently he admitted to me that he used (several years ago) to wander our neighborhood at night and look in peoples windows, had a few favorite houses he liked to go to. I suspected that was happening but had no idea what to do about it, where he went or even when, he's very good a sneaky. He also told me that a few months ago he would watch porn for 6, 7, 8 hours a day, not sleeping or eating. No wonder we never saw him and he didn't want to be with me and the kids.

He has been to counseling, not tried or committed, he went to group meetings but those people were all "weird" so he quit going and refuses to go back.

He is selfish, manipulative, verbally and mentally abusive, all so he can get what he wants and only what he wants.

It's hard for me to give up all these years together, to admit that he doesn't want help, doesn't think he needs help and certainly doesn't want me or the kids getting in theway of his "single" life.

I still want to fix it, fix him, make it better. How sick is that?


Me: 46 BS
Him: 43 WS
Married 16 years, together 18
3 kids, 12, 9, 7
Not really a surprise, why does it still hurt?

Posts: 113 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: USA
Chili
♀ Member
Member # 35503
Shutup  Posted: 9:15 PM, May 15th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all...beautiful, ghost, etc.
Just a quick update. I have decided not to confront about all the other affairs (and decided to stop digging because it was making me puke), and try to buy him or get him out of our business first as per the advice of my IC. I can no longer have a personal relationship with him, and I am pretty sure he would just like to not even address he has a problem. I am hoping that his denial and "permission" for the easy way out will protect my livelihood.

I meet with my doc, then ob/gym on Thursday (I am more than a little terrified), and an attorney on Friday. I am hoping the clause of our business agreement that talks about deceit, willful misconduct, etc. will help my case. One area that I am glad I have been co-dependent about throughout all this is always making sure he got paid, etc. Even while he missed work or avoided us or missed appointmrnts


Me: BSO
Him: Assclown
Too many years tied up with him.
April-May 2012 pretty much sucked.
"I'd love to give a dog a bone, but I'm not gonna stick around to help you" - Jack White

Posts: 242 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Reality
Chili
♀ Member
Member # 35503
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, May 15th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops...got click happy. Anyway, I have always made sure he has gotten above and beyond his rights and never punished him. Last week he put a very good offer on the table if he doesn't meet work conduct, but of course he might back out on that when things get ugly. I hope he doesn't fight me on this, or it could get very very ugly.

When t s all said and done, I will try and throw him a lifeline as I had a couple of people show me a way to save my own life back in the day. He will have nothing if he is out of our business. No income. No health insurance. No cell phone. No credit. He will have SA and early stage prostate cancer. I will offer to keep him on our insurance for 6 months until he can find work or one of the OW to take care of him. Or maybe one of his best friend's 3 sisters he is sleeping with all at the same time.

I will point him to SLAA, maybe a CSAT counselor, but he will probably be so happy to be free of the only healthy relationship he has ever had that he won't even hear me. And that will be his choice, because this is not my shit and never was.

I will find strength this week and I will protect myself. Hugs to all, this is the ugliest thing most of us have ever had to manage.


Me: BSO
Him: Assclown
Too many years tied up with him.
April-May 2012 pretty much sucked.
"I'd love to give a dog a bone, but I'm not gonna stick around to help you" - Jack White

Posts: 242 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Reality
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 5:37 AM, May 16th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chili ~ good for you for getting your ducks in a row. It sounds like a good plan. My first six months after discovery, I was a walking zombie. The shock was so great, I was barely functional. Stay strong and resolute! Do what you have to do to protect yourself. Keep us posted, sweetie.

After NC for two weeks with my STBXH, we are driving out of town together for our daughter's graduation from her master's program. Just setting up plans with him last night caused a panic attack in me. He is such an arrogant, short-tempered a-hole! I should be looking forward to this, instead I am filled with dread. Send good mojo my way, friends. We leave this morning and I already needed one anxiety pill. UGGGHHHH!!!!

Love to all...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
nealos
♂ Member
Member # 35284
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, May 16th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sexual Addiction Screening Test

I saw in a couple of posts about WSs either denying or unsure about whether or not they are SAs. Patrick Carnes (basically THE academic on SA and author of Out of the Shadows) has a screening test that a person can take to help them know if they should seek out CSAT help or not. The results don't mean you definitely are or aren't an SA, but depending on your score it tells you the probability you could be. It's a good starting point. ...and it's free.

I took it after I had pretty much decided I was SA, but it still was good for me to have an objective confirmation.

http://recoveryzone.com/tests/sex-addiction/SAST/index.php

I don't recommend watching over the shoulder of your WS when he/she takes it. In fact, let them keep the results to themselves-- honesty is important when taking the exam, and you wouldn't want your WS filtering answers because they were going to be accountable to you. Just a thought.


31yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


Posts: 254 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
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