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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 8
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, May 5th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scaredy, you are so right in how they chose us. I've thought about that so much since DDay and along this whole journey. *SO* much. I have supported him, cleaned up after him, done EVERYTHING for him. I didn't realize HOW much until all this shit came out.

And even though my FWH didn't really choose women that looked better than me, it STILL made me doubt everything about myself. I mean *every* thing. (I mean really his EA was with a chick who looked like a meth head and his second looked like a femal version of marc anthony/skelator hence the nickname skelewhore).


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 1993 | Registered: Feb 2012
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, May 5th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So yesterday, WS asks me what was wrong, and I told him I was angry. When he asked why, I told him, "just in general, I think it's part of the healing process, but specifically it was triggered by all these bills I've found."

"Oh," he said. "What can I do?"

I thought about it for awhile, and then I think my higher power intervened with the following idea (because my initial idea was just to yell and curse for awhile, lol): "I want you to go draw up a budget list for the next year - how much money you think we'll need to survive. Rent, utilities, therapy, etc. Let's see how close your list is to mine."

"Okay," he said.

- 2 hours later -

"Oh my God. How are we going to pay for all this?"

"Exactly," I say.

"I had no idea it cost this much to live."

"Exactly," I say.

"What if I can't find a job?"

"Exactly," I say.

"I don't want to use your savings to pay for my half of things - that's your savings. I feel like an ass."

"Exactly."

"Well, we could...[proceeds to list ways to reduce our budget - several of which I've mentioned to him before but since he was on a roll, I just let him think they were his original ideas, lol]."

"Yes, those would certainly help."

"I feel like a real dumbass. Why have I not thought of these things before?"

"Exactly."

Still angry, but feeling a bit more hopeful. WS's healing brain seems capable of much more in life than his addict brain. That is a good sign. Next year, I'm making him do the taxes, lol.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, May 5th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...he has always been jealous of me...He was negative and angry for a majority of our marriage...He complained about everything I did. He was very critical...But I was DAMN good at hiding what was going on and thank god he wasn't home much.

WS was always jealous of my academic intelligence. He had to work at school, while it always came naturally to me. It was something his parents used to berate him over, and I think a big part of what attracted him to me was that he could say, "well, I must not be that dumb. This smart woman likes me."

As we got older, this didn't turn into criticism per se, but it did turn into a fierce competitiveness. He could never be happy for my successes - always wanted to one up me. He became very negative and angry...when he was home. For a long time it seemed he was never home.

But yes, to echo everyone else's statements...WS had a pretty good deal going on. He was no dummy when he chose me, lol. Hopefully this dynamic will change now.

I'm beginning to feel that were he to end his recovery...I could not go back to that old life, even the life I perceived before DDay. I know too much now - I would be miserable taking care of another capable, functioning adult the way I took care of him before.

Of course these words are easy to say and harder to do if the actual situation were to happen.

I hope WS sticks with recovery.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
lost family
♀ Member
Member # 32578
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, May 5th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anger. I feel it sometimes but it normally comes as a reaction to something my WH said or did. And I do get angry, it’s a very new anger for me, the one I cannot stop or control.
I am glad it doesn’t happen often. Mostly it is just the feeling of enormous sadness and emptiness.

What I find strange is that when I lost my daughter (to a very rare disease) I had all stages of grief/loss, and in proper order denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
I was a book case.

This time I hit one stage and then the next day, minute, week or month a hit the other one, the one I probably should be through by now. There is no order or even signs that I am getting through them and healing. I think I have accepted some things and yet I can go back and feel anger or denial about them. Constantly going two (if not more) steps back!!!!

Is anger healthy? Probably, and it has to come out. I don’t hide any of my emotions and I don’t try to protect my WH from them. I never was able to hide my feelings and now I have even less reason to do it.
He is not able to deal with them, he is completely paralyzed by my emotions that are all over the place most of the time. I have a feeling than one day (that day seems very far away) a will heal by getting rid or expressing my emotions. All that hurt has to somehow come out of me!!!!


Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2011
SGRBEET
♀ Member
Member # 35442
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, May 5th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand completely what you are going through. I lost a very close family member immediately prior to my husband's betrayal and I agree with you about going the typical stages of grief. I did too.

But this is different. The pain is different. Someone deliberately betrayed you and didn't see you or care about you. They plain and simple didn't SEE you. That's why our feelings fluctuate and we don't experience the typical stages of grief in the order that we should. These feelings are normal for someone in our situation. I feel the same way and I am heading toward three years out from dday.

I kept thinking I wasn't "normal". There isn't a normal here.....The limbo is excruciating at times. You feel you just want to be done with the pain and when you think you are....whammo! It's back.

Just know there are people here that hear you and know what you are feeling. We GET IT! And we are here for you


Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, May 5th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Funny, I wrote a blog post this week about that. How this is worse than death, because of the intention behind it. Death isn't an intentional hurt to us. This shit? It's like a big fuck you!!! Over and Over and Over again.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 1993 | Registered: Feb 2012
SGRBEET
♀ Member
Member # 35442
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, May 5th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly! People we love don't want to die to hurt us. It happens and they and we have no control over it.

But people in our lives blatantly don't SEE us in order to betray us. How selfish and that's why it hurts so much.


Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012
PaperCut
♀ Member
Member # 34568
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, May 5th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just going to put a place holder here so I can find the post later.. This is a lot to go through. Hope that's OK


“Success is as dangerous as failure.
Hope is as hollow as fear.”
― Lao Tzu


Posts: 149 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: NYC
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, May 5th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, in terms of grief, death is simpler. There's a finality. You're forced into the next chapter of life without the deceased - which while painful, is a straight-forward process. No decisions must be made as to whether you should stay together or not - that decision is made for you.

I think limbo is the worst, and yet a necessary step. It is unwise to make a decision without first taking time to reflect. Yet it is so exhausting looking down both paths - to stay or to go.

And yes, there is that personal element involved - the dying do not mean to hurt us. Although I don't really think the SAs mean to hurt us either. I'm becoming convinced that while in active addiction, SAs just don't think at all.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, May 5th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Papercut! Feel free to post anytime

[This message edited by WS is an Addict at 5:24 PM, May 5th (Saturday)]


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
SGRBEET
♀ Member
Member # 35442
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, May 5th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle with the "addiction" part. If they truly are addicted, are remorseful, then why can't I see they are sorry? My WH is doing everything he is suppose to. But I don't believe him.

Right now, all I want to do is look away and not deal with this. It's exhausting. How are you dealing with it on a day to day basis? It's so hard sometimes.

Once again, I feel like I have to make everything ok for everyone. My family won't go forward together unless I make that sacrifice, but can I?

How many passes do these guys get in life???


Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, May 5th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just for fun...

I took one of those online colorgenics quizzes today, and well the results were pretty accurate, lol:

It would seem that you are experiencing a great deal of pent-up emotion at this time which could possibly take effect and lead to irrational behaviour.

You are willing to try anything once. You 'need to be needed' and what is perhaps more important you 'need to need.' You can only feel close to a person or persons when you feel you can trust them, but this trust needs to be proven to you.

All the problems that you have been experiencing of late seem to have become a part of your life and there is little that can be done to change the situation. Your emotions run high - but even though you feel as if at times you are about to burst this situation will pass. Try to release your pent-up emotions by participating in some extra physical activities like running, swimming, whatever. There must be some favourite pastime, not necessarily strenuous, that can help you to relax.

You are on tenterhooks and appear to be extremely nervous and upset. You feel that life has far more to offer than this present day existence. The way that you feel indicates that you have the need for a responsive and understanding relationship. You are prepared to follow up any opportunity which may present itself. However you are very choosy and you refuse to be swept off your feet unless integrity can proved to be 100% genuine. Therefore you are holding back, keeping your emotions in check because before you let down your guard you have to be sure. You are too trusting and you have no desire to be hurt again. You are responsive to conditions around you - but forever under control.

If anyone else needs a distraction today and wants to take the quiz:

http://www.colorgenicstest.com/


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, May 5th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SGR -

There seems to be a lot of discussion on the other forums about whether Sex Addiction truly exists, and before all this went down, I probably would have questioned it, too.

(I'm sick and in bed, thus I've been reading them and posting 10,000 times today, lol.)

I think that it is a great question though:

What distinguishes SA from "normal" infidelity?

My gut response would be compulsion (can't stop even when trying), escalation, frequency, and variety (of activities/people). For me though, I knew WS had an addiction when he was willing to risk his job. I thought he would risk me and our relationship, but to risk his career...I knew it was something out of his control. Also, his legitimate attempt at suicide...I knew he did not like the life he was leading and felt truly hopeless to change it.

Now that he's discovered that his problem has a name, he's not alone in having it, and there are ways to fight it into remission...he seems very hopeful and determined to change. I don't know that he's showed much remorse for hurting me per se (not sure he's even capable of understanding the depth of my pain yet), but he is very much a different person. I see that he wants to be different. He is taking actions that show me he wants to be different.

But every situation is unique, and I'm only 4 months out. It could all go to hell in a handbasket over the next year.

What are others' answers to that question? How is SA different from "normal" infidelity? Or is it?


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, May 5th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted here in a while. I haven't even been reading posts for a couple of weeks. I feel like I've let everyone down, and yet for me, where I am in my head/heart now, this forum isn't a safe place for me because there's so much talk of "understanding" and "reconciliation" and "tolerance" or whatever. I just can't read stuff like that right now. In the past month I found even more evidence of even sicker perversion that WH had right here in the house, and it triggered a memory of what I'd equate to marital rape of a perverted degree I didn't even think was possible. So I just don't have the emotional strength these days to read encouragement for reconciliation with a sex addict, or even "wait & see" with a sex addict. It hurts too much. I wish I had divorced WH as soon as I found out about his addiction to porn. I wish I had never married him. I wish I had divorced him as soon as I found out about some of his perverted sexual preferences. I wish I had divorced him when he did what he did to me all those years ago. I wish I had divorced him when I found him acting out sexually with our children in the room. I wish I had divorced him long ago!!!!

The sex things I've found out about WH in the past month are even more horrifying than what I found out in the past year. The things I've found out about him and his broad scope of infideilties make me sick. The thought that I have to allow him access to our CHILDREN for visitation makes my blood run cold. It terrifies me. The fact that i have to instruct my kids in detail about childhood sexual abuse, what's okay to happen to them, what's not, what needs to be reported to me, and so on, KNOWING WHILE I TELL THEM THIS THAT IT'S THEIR F-ING FATHER WHO IS A DANGER TO THEM...


OMG, and then to read here that tolerance & understanding & so on are so heavily counseled. I just can't keep reading that stuff. Not now. Not knowing what I know. Not after having lived this life and knowing what my future holds because we have children together.

I'm sorry.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8786 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
SGRBEET
♀ Member
Member # 35442
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, May 5th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature_Girl,

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I am praying for you as well as your children. What a burden to bear for you.

I also question whether my husband is a SA or just a habitual cheater. Either or I hope I do not discover the betrayals you have. Please know I am thinking about you!


Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2012
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, May 5th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Nature Girl, please don't apologize to us. I know I am here for you as much as I am for anyone. Your WS deserves a special place in hell and, although I am an avowed pacifist, there are exceptions I would clearly make in his case! His violations of boundaries towards his WIFE and CHILDREN are unforgivable and SHOULD NOT be tolerated in ANYONE. I, for one, would NOT be thinking understanding, reconciliation, etc. if any of that had happened in my life.

Take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids...
********((((((((((NG))))))))))))******


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2927 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, May 5th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Colorgenics. hmmm. VERY interesting. Mine is rather accurate.
You have always been on the move seeking affectionate, satisfying and harmonious relationships. Your ultimate goal has been the realisation of an intimate union in which there could be love, self-sacrifice and mutual trust. It has often been said that 'True love is just around the corner' and - if you haven't found it as yet - you possibly soon will.

You like the better things in life. You are sensuous and emotional. You are a follower of the Arts and you seek an environment that will give you the fulfilment to the senses that you need.

Enough is enough - but the problems never seem to stop. They never stop. You feel, and maybe you are right, that the problems seem to go on and on and you have indeed had more than your fair share of trials and tribulations. But to give you credit - you bounce back time and time again - you stick to your beliefs because deep down you have that inner knowledge, that 'belief' system that in the end, everything will turn out OK - and you are right -it will!

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You wish to be left in peace... no more conflict and no more differences of opinion. In fact you just don't want to be involved in arguments of any shape or form. All you want is for 'them' to get on with it - and to leave you alone.

Although I did rather "involve" myself in a loud confrontation today about my least favorite form of transportation.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2927 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, May 6th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature, I echo what Kat said 100% - no need to apologize. Your STBXWH never showed any signs of recovery - he was completely taken over by the monster. You were very wise to leave him, and you have my 100% respect for having the strength to leave him so quickly once the extent of his addiction came to light. You have gone through so much and are continuing to go through so much - nothing but love for you over here, whether you post on this forum or not. Love you!
*****(((((Nature)))))*****


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
courageouscat
♀ Member
Member # 34298
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, May 6th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((NatureGirl)))

You are such a strong person, and you saved yourself and your kids. I hate your STBX too. How dare he do these things to his wife and children. The people he should have cherished and protected above all.

You've put you and your kids on a path to a brighter future. Believe me, your kids will know this and draw strength from it some day. You remember who you are and draw strength from that too.


ME - 50 something
WH - 50 something
Kids - 3 boys, Adult, Teen, Teen
Married - 26 years
Together - 29 years
EA 10/11 -12/11; 100% NC 1/18/11

Posts: 110 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Out in the big wide open
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, May 6th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NatureGirl, I'm so glad I popped on here this evening.

And I completely understand how you're feeling. I could have posted here on this thread eight years ago, and then five years ago, and then three years ago, and each time I would have reported that my STBX was making very serious attempts at recovery. Because he was. He was contrite, and filled with shame, and working with CSATS and 12-step programs on recovery. On paper he was doing everything right. But none of it really stuck for very long, even though it seemed promising each time. I would have also posted that he loved me, no matter what, and that he would never leave me.

If I had seen your posts then, I might have found the strength to leave him back then, even IF he seemed remorseful and was "in recovery."

You can't make good decisions in a vacuum, and this thread isn't very valuable when everyone posting is in the exact same place. I am so thankful when old-timers come back and explain why they've divorced and how they're doing - or how their husbands have been successfully in recovery for years. So please keep posting!!! (Plus, I need some company here! I'll validate your feelings any day!)

As for SA vs serial infidelity, I have to say I'm now at the point where I don't really believe in SA. And I think that many SAs have personality disorders. And of course there is no recovery for a person with a personality disorder at this point and time. So for this subset of men, I believe it's more of a mental illness then it is a true addiction. The sex addiction is not the disease, it's just a symptom for these men.

Lastly, thanks to quite a lot of uncomfortable sessions with two therapists over the past eight months, I've come to the conclusion that my STBX chose me for several reasons. First, I was his "normal" - the all-American girl next door with the cool career, great family, and many friends. He desperately wanted this - he wanted to be normal, and part of something normal. Second, I was very shy at this point in my life and I took a back seat to him - I let him be the star. Which worked nicely since he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Third, I did EVERYTHING for him, including giving up my career, moving, paying the bills, keeping him in line, and doing every single chore for him that makes someone a responsible grown up. And fourth, he thought I would never leave him.


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