WH has admitted only one affair but I am now seeing some evidence of either use of prostitutes or massuese services with extras.
His phone log shows repeated texts late into the night with different numbers. Eg. Two weeks ago, it may be countless texts to one number and then this week, it's countless texts to another number and when I ring them, they're all women.
I know he often goes for massages (doesn't hide that)
Good Morning Ladies-
@ AngryBS- Read the first page of this thread for information. 7yrs' post for newbies is still the best newcomer's resource we have. Try the screening quizzes here:
The only sure way to know is to have a certified sexual addiction therapist (CSAT) evaluate your spouse. It sounds like you're finding out a lot of stuff, which is surely painful and traumatizing to you. I hope you're in IC to help you process the new information.
@ hathnofury- I relate to what you wrote about your sex life with your WH pre ddays. We were sexually active and adventurous right through DDays. He did have (and continues to have) ED issues although I find that alternate activities have helped us both. Unfortunately for *after ddays* I've been traumatized & struggle with sex related issues.
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
AngryBS, I think you probably need to dig deeper to know exactly what his activities are. Honestly, lots of massages that are not at a legit massage place or health club is a huge red flag. Especially if he's texting her multiple times late in the night. That's how you arrange hookups with hookers. Get a copy of the texts. Maybe a VAR in the car. On the one hand you don't want to get obsessed with surveillance, but on the other hand you need to know what you are dealing with. For me, having proof he did see hookers and was a repeat customer, to the point of financial hardship, was enough. I didn't need to know more than that to know he was SA and he needed help. And that of course as a result *I* needed help.
Kat, that's my fear, that maybe I'm in some sort of denial about stuff since I feel like I'm so far off the mark in some respects on what I see as trends in spouses of SAs. Not just what I read in books and from you ladies, but also what I see in the women in my S-Anon and group therapy. IDK. In addition, I see a lot of denial in the women that attend both, so I feel like I must have some denial I don't see in myself either. It may just be I recognize a most if not all of effects in my life and see what they are, but choose not to deal with some of them right now because I can only do so much at a time. Or it may be that I'm too early in the game and that I know more crap in my road to healing is coming, because I have seen it in so many others.
I don't know that I'm all that "strong". I'm not naturally very social. I can be, and you would probably never tell IRL, but I have to work very hard at it and honestly most of the time I'd prefer not to be. So since I cut myself off from a lot of people anyway, and moreso lately as a result of discovery and such, I know OFTEN my perceived reality is not what others see. For example I have very high expectations of my kids' behavior, and I get reminded OFTEN that most kids do not behave the way I expect mine to when I get out of my bubble. So I force myself out there, so I can see how the other spouses are doing and look for myself in them. You know, because isolation = you become the frog in the slowing heated boiling pot, and you don't realize you are not in a normal, safe place anymore.
Hence, Sabina, when I read your posts I can see how your situation could be mine in the future. I want to spare myself as much of the things you have had to endure as much as I can, no matter how it plays out. I want to benefit from other's wisdom and experience. I just am afraid maybe I am not able to see and hear it well enough.
[This message edited by hathnofury at 9:33 AM, March 26th (Monday)]
He always wanted to have an average amount of sex. Not a super high drive, but higher than mine. When our marriage declined, I declined sex more. So it became infrequent because of me and the moment I found out he was "looking" on the internet- which I found out soon after he started- I practically stopped (I guess I should have completely stopped). He says one year it was 3 times. He did try but even then I would push him away when he so much as touched me intimately. That added to his anger and justification.
After dday, there was hb, which worked well for the most part with a couple of ed episodes that he said was guilt, and I believed it. (NEVER had ed with me before).
Well, lately its like hes scared to have sex or just doesnt want it at all. The Ed has repeated, and he gives various excuses. Finally, I feel unwanted by him. The last straw broke, and theyve been breaking for a while(some hurtful comments ruined HB a long time back). Those hurtful comments have come back to replay in my head. I dont think anything will convince me now.
Maybe you made the right choice of ruling out intercourse from the dday itself. Saves a lot of other complications.
And my anger has re-arisen.
Maybe you made the right choice of ruling out intercourse from the dday itself. Saves a lot of other complications.
It certainly seems that way, doesn't it? IDK, it sucks but like I said I can only address so many things at once. It seems trying to integrate it back in right now will only cause more problems. I never wanted a sexless marriage, but I never wanted to be married to a SA either. And I don't want sex to be ruined for me forever either. I want to be mostly if not fully (we can all hope, right ) healed before I try again.
It's sad because I always felt, prior to DDay, that we always communicated well about sex. I like this, I don't like that. Can you do this instead? Well, I'll try that but honestly it doesn't sound like something I'd enjoy. I have no idea what you are talking about, I cannot even imagine how that would even be logistically possible. And we always talked about lots of things that way, not just sex. So to be slapped with the reality he has an intimacy disorder, that I probably have compromised intimacy issues as well, just really knocked me on my ass. But clearly we do, or we would n't be in this mess, would we?
Sorry, I'm bitter. I'm reasonably sure I'm about to hit a period in therapy where I learn a bunch of crap about myself I wasn't aware of and really won't like. Gah.
Hugs ladies. Be kind to yourselves, today and every day. Give yourself that gift.
I was the poster who originally asked about filling out a survey for the CSAT. In my case, it was an actual sexual history, asking questions like when did I lose my virginity, what were the circumstances, listing a bunch of sexual scenarios and asking me to mark which ones I've taken part in or fantasized about. When I asked the CSAT about it this week, she apologized for not explaining it better and said she wants to see how my sexual history/fantasies/whatever "intersect" with SAWH. It still seems weird to me though, especially since no one else here seems to have done it.
As for the masturbation, etc. Well, SAWH has made it clear that if he isn't masturbating, he doesn't think I should be either. Although I did explain that when *I* do it, it's because he isn't home. When *he* does it, it means I don't get to have sex because he's doing it himself. As for the sex, I always thought he just had the lowest sex drive ever. In a good week we might have sex twice. Might. And we're not even 30 yet. But we would also go weeks without anything. Of course, now I know he was using a lot of porn and masturbation.
The last time we talked about it he said something about the "virginal wife" idea, which was weird to me. He had never indicated anything like that before. Plus, and here's MY tmi for th day (LOL) it's not like I've ever refused to do anything. I may even be kinkier than he is. Ugh. Stupid SA.
And hugs to everyone here, especially those who have been made to feel undesirable because of this disease. I feel your pain.
*latest* dday: January 26
Me: BS, 29
Him: f(?)WH, 30
R? I think...
Seriously confused about almost everything.
This may be the most accurate description of a spouse of an SA ever...
I am spent. SAWH has continued to place demands on me to do this and that because he lost his license due to a DWI last April -- and couldn't drive. No 2x4's needed. He gets his license back tomorrow after almost one full year and I hope I never lay eyes on him again. EVER!
Hospice appointment is set up tomorrow for my Stepdad. I spent all week setting up services for Mom and Stepdad. I've done this all alone because my sister has been on a pre-planned vacation in Florida. She returns tomorrow. Lots of tough decisions ahead for Mom and family.
Once this current set of crises are handled, I will file for divorce. Today, my close friend called to tell me SAWH's name was listed in our local paper being sued by a company that provided services for his law firm. Naturally, he didn't tell me. He is a trainwreck and the sooner I can get out, the better.
Keep me in your prayers, my friends...I truly need them.
Love and hugs to all...
Love to you.
I was looking for a "decent" guy when I met my ex. I didn't want a playboy, so I overlooked his lack of skills in the kissing department, though to be honest, it was rather hard to do.
There wasn't anything sexy at all about the way he kissed. It is hard to describe. I still scratch my head as to how he was able to seduce so many women in his long career as a SA!
somer~ my SAWH was a great kisser. He was a great sexual partner who never left me unsatisfied -- in any department, if you know what I mean....
Whatever. He will have a life ahead fulfilling other women. Lucky them. But he is a trainwreck in every other way, and I will breathe a sigh of relief when I am finally rid of him.
Sweet God, I am still awake -- and cannot sleep...
Hugs to all...
Your scores indicate that there has been a “Strong” or “Very Strong” impact in the following areas.
Feelings of Victimization — Very Strong
This subscale indicates that you may have feelings of betrayal and emotional trauma that could be impacting your ability to be sexually open and vulnerable in your relationship.
Intimacy Impairment — Very Strong
Elevations on this subscale indicate that the sexual acting out of the addict has profoundly interrupted the interrupted the feelings of closeness and connection in your relationship and may indicate feelings of ambivalence about even being involved in this relationship.
Sexual Anorexia/Aversion — Strong
High scores on the sexual aversion subscale indicate a decrease in sexual desire, in particular in relationship to the addict, but may also include a general decrease in libido. This could be impacted by biological issues, as well as other psychological issues, such as sexual trauma history.
Sexual Dysfunction — Strong
This subscale indicates the presence of sexual dysfunction in your relationship. This can include decreased feelings of sexual desire, and disruption in sexual functioning. This scale could also be impacted by biological issues or other psychological issues, such as sexual trauma history.
Body Image Issues — Strong
Elevations on this subscale indicate feelings of insecurity about your body, such as feelings of inferiority when being compared with others, and a desire to change your body.
Fear — Strong
Elevations on this subscale may indicate a lack of feelings of safety in your relationship. This may include feelings of physical or sexual safety as well as fears about catching sexually transmitted diseases.
THANK YOU, SAWH!!!! Thank you so much!!!!
And thank you, FOO, for training me to be the perfect partner for an abusive SA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you, Christian churches that I've attended & people I've listened to, for giving me such HORRIBLE advice about what Christ's intention were for me and what it meant to be a good wife!!!!!
A heartfelt thank you to SI and the people here who have opened their lives & shared their incredibly painful, often humiliating, experiences so freely, shining a light on the path I inevitably needed to take.
And a sincere thank you to my IC, for gently but firmly taking me by the hand & guiding me onto a path of healing & hope.
That it is solitary, furtive, and satisfies only itself,
that it is contrary to love,it is fleeting,
that it demands hypocrisy,
that it enfeebles strong sexual feelings,
that it is humorless and cruel,
that it destroys good feelings about ourselves,
that it is hollow,
that it distances us from our feelings,
that it works to exclude our family,
that it exploits power over others,
that it causes us to abuse our bodies
and that we end up broken and alone.
This was written by an SA and quoted in Carnes book "Contrary to Love" helping the sex addict....
I might add to this
that it destroys all around us..most specially those who we love and who love us...that it does not have to ruin all...a good twelve step group and a CSAT who has learned the information in this book can help us live a happy joyous life free of the cravings and horror of this disease.
He told me that he had been on sex add sites since last spring and and gave me his screen name.
Of course I google it... The horrid things that pulled up were disgusting! There are 7 sights just with that name alone...
His profile each time stated who he was married looking for casual discreet sex. Swingers and anal are his preference...
he had on the he just wanted to meet up with random people!!!
Oh and he prefers NO PROTECTION!!!!
He and the women would exchange hundreds of videos and nude pics... The vids are of the masturbating! There are 5 new women just between the 10th and 16th of this month alone!
I am beyonds disgusted right now to me this goes beyond even sex addiction and straight into self distructive insanity!!
He then swears that there is no more to tell even though he still said he doesn't know name or locations of the women because "he never asked"!!!
So he gives me his email acct login info. He tried to delete everything but forgot about the sent folder!! OOPS!
There in black and white is exactly what he has been doing. He and this women immediately discuss their intentions as per their site profile and start sending the pics to decide if they are interested!
He changes his story about 15 times before owning up to what is right in front of me. And said he wasn't lieing when he said he closed the acct in Dec. He just didn't mention that he had rejoined in January!!!
He told this one he is divorced and all about my girls!! This is after him pleading that he loves me so very much and can't imagine losing me. RIGHT!! There were a total of three he forgot to delete in that folder.
And it was just plain strange as well... He had sent a topless pic of himself stating he wanted her to see his "nipple" gag!!! And then they went on to discuss him wearing a mesh tank top, white tube socks pulled all the way up, and covering his body in baby oil!!! REALLY!!
I have no idea who this man is at all.I am freaking out because he has admitted to starting this as far back as last spring. Meaning... Yah.. How many does that mean I have been with??? I was smart enough to get tested when I first found out.
Next I come across a letter he had typed two days out of the mental hospital that was sent to his atty. It was about my girls. In this he claimed that I was a horrible mother who locked my children in their rooms all day and beat them when they did't clean fast enough! He would rage because we fought all of the time about raising our girl and he couldn't stand to see me be so cruel to them! Raising our children is the only thing we had ever agreed 100% on???
He even claimed to have been the one that MADE THEM A HOMEMADE FULL BREAKFAST every morning and make a big deal of how they would sit around the breakfast table to start their day? Oh really? He had to be at work by 5:30 am the past five years so how ya figure that one?
He basically claimed he had raised all three since birth alone.
He then went on to claim that while he is not proud of the man he has become he would just get so stressed with my constant ranting and nitpicking until he would snap.
He completely denied being violent even though he beat me severely in July!
He also forgot that he has been saying that he had not started drinking again but discussed the fact that he was "KNOCKING" a few beers back with one of the sex ad girls. When i asked about this he denied drinking and that it was just something to say!
He also tells me now that he has had a loaded gun to his head 8 times since July. And that he only stopped because he didn't want us to have to clean up the mess! And that the last time he had lit the big earth/trash pit on our land he had come to the conclusion that if he shot himself he would fall in the pit to burn and there would be no mess! Cruel I know but my reaction was oh great and I get accused of killing you???
He replied that he had a suicide note in his wallet for months to leave for me.
Funny though because again cruel... But I said ok read it to me then and he quickly remembered he had "thrown it away" bs!
After all of this his excuse is still the same. He still is claiming he does all of it because of depression. Here is his word for word text to me today to explain this month alone.
"At the time I was slipping back earlier this month I was running myself ragged at work.
I am finally getting to a better place in my mind. It will take time for me to get back and I will keep working on it. I didn't realize what I was doing at the time. I was working to much. My mind was getting to where every day was like i was in a dream again. It didn't hit me until I slowed down what was going on. It's like I shut down and go on auto pilot. It's like I am a passenger looking through a window. I can see what's going on but I am not really aware of what's going on. When I run like crazy like that it hits me quick."
I don't even know what to say to any of this I am just floored by all of it. Any advice or expieriance would be
wonderful. I am now on 48 hours of no sleep! please forgive my errors.
First things first, though. You need to take very good care of yourself right now. Do something to get a few hours of sleep. You must! Take a tylenol & a benedryl and go lie down. You need to be able to think clearly and give your body a chance to purge the anxiety hormones which no doubt are flooding it right now.