Torn ~ I am sorry your SAWH is still being emotionally abusive. In or out of our lives, it just never seems to end.
Tuesday night, my son finally agreed to go to the hospital. His alcohol withdrawal symptoms had taken a toll on his blood sugar. (Type I diabetic) He was immediately placed in the ICU. He was very sick.
He finally admits he needs help for his alcoholism. This is great, yes? The doctors felt a 28 day treatment program would be the way to go. Well, he currently has no health insurance and was in process of applying for Medicaid. While in hospital, they told him he did not qualify and now suddenly they've decided he's well enough to go home. No program, no additional help. Bye bye...
I am furious. I was initially so hopeful my prayers had finally been answered. He can attend AA, of course. But who knows what he will or won't agree to once he comes home tomorrow.
To buy him more time, I disclosed to the doctors, my son had been suicidal. He was.
Now my son won't speak to me and told me not to visit him.
I told him I would do whatever was necessary to save his life and maybe he would thank me one day.
The only good thing is now my son has bonded with my husband to rant about his "crazy" mother. Husband and son were estranged, but my son DID need his father, so I guess it's a small price to pay.
Please keep us in your prayers, everyone. It's been a rough, rough ride.
Hugs and peace to all...
I have recently begun to work through some of the exercises on the Recovery Nation site. Like SA, SLAA, AA, and the other organizations, there are some things I believe, some things I don't. But there are some parts that are absolutely true in my case. It has helped me understand how futile it was to try to reason with an active addict.
Sabina, Choosing, Raidra, Torn, Nature, Hath, WS, and all of you, you are in my thoughts and prayers. These guys are master manipulators. And we,and our kids, are the fallout. And while the intellectual part of me has some sympathy for the diseased part of THEM, the HEART of ME, (although not the pacifist piece) wants to hang them from their b@!!s until they feel a small bit of the pain they inflict.
Unfortunately, that would probably feed into the masochistic escalation of some of their addictions...
[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 7:42 AM, March 16th (Friday)]
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
Good morning to all & *waves* at t2b. It’s good to see you down here to say hi, t2b. You deserve a fresh start.
Wednesday and Thursday were really long & eventful. I made two big mistakes and am dealing with the fallout.
Issue #1. Background: DD & SAWH have had driving lessons all winter. SAWH has massive driving related triggers due to a serious car accident in which he nearly died (back in college days). Wednesday a.m. DD tells me that an angry confrontation she had with SAWH after a driving lesson has made her afraid of him- completely and totally unacceptable no matter what his excuse. So I called his IC (huge error, in hindsight) & got a dressing down- rightfully so in some respects. *eye roll* I know that his IC likely mentioned my call in SAWH’s Thursday session. *shrug* I expected that & will own up to what I did. Wednesday night I called a family meeting between DD, me & SAWH. I aired the issue and mediated and forced SAWH to remain ‘on task’ and focused on DD’s feelings , which SAWH highly resented. He tried his favorite tactics: deflecting (which I explained to DD later) and ‘kitchen sink-ing’, but I successfully kept them on topic. She feels better, although I’m sure it will linger in the back of her mind for a long time. Meantime we’ve all agreed that Older DS and I will be the ones to teach her to drive from now on.
Issue #2, also Wednesday . Background: SAWH had traffic court last week (on Friday) and took the whole day off so we could spend the day together. Wednesday I found an email from the accounting section authorizing 13 hours of personal time and was dated that Monday. I *freaked* and went off the deep end into triggerland, devoid of most rational thought, particularly after DD’s revelation early Wed. a.m. I confronted him directly after work. His first answer was that he *was* at work and the time in question was for court day and was submitted on the date of the email. Then he said, for the first time *ever*, “I’m done with you and with us.” After that he left (we weren’t at home). I tried to hash it out some more, he stood his ground and told me to back off. Wed. night was tough what with that & issue #1. Thursday morning I check the text history online. SAWH had texted me from work using a service that lists ip addies on the bottom of the text; on the date in question- he was telling the truth, he was at work. And I was wrong. And so before I went to work yesterday, I woke him up to apologize in person and wrote a note apologizing for my errors.
Last night was tough for me. He is (rightfully) very angry and set a strict boundary, which I tried to jump over in my best dysfunctional manner. He didn’t let me- to his credit. He stood by his boundary. Something he would never have done before. I cried myself to sleep, hugging my little totem owl. This morning I wake up to a clean kitchen. The night before it had been piled sky high with Thursday night. He either woke up early or was late to work this morning to clean it up for me. Giving me time to write to you this morning. This episode makes twice in the last two weeks he has proven honest with me (I verified the other one) concerning major fidelity openness.
I know I’m emotionally stuck in a bad place and I’m seeing evidence that I must break my hiatus on therapy and find someone who works for me. If I am truly to heal, I must work through the trauma issues I’ve buried. My first therapist retired & the second one didn’t mesh with me. I haven’t seen a therapist since November. I haven’t spoken with him today, I presume he’s angry and stressed. I will not push him anymore.
Thanks for listening to me, ladies. Best wishes for your weekend
Edited for formatting
[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 7:43 AM, March 16th (Friday)]
I'm so sorry to read all the troubles everyone is going through here. I wish I could offer you guys some concrete advice, but knowing that you're all in my thoughts will hopefully count for something.
I saw my doctor this morning and got a prescription for Celexa and Ativan (the Ativan is just for until the Celexa kicks in, hopefully). I stormed out of the house last night (because I was angry at my husband and he didn't react appropriately) and went for a long walk. He freaked out, got my parents to watch the kids, and drove around looking for me for an hour. I'm 100+ lbs overweight, and really feeling the effects of my long walk. Ugh.
So we went to MC yesterday and we all agreed that we'd have to put MC on hold until after the SA stuff is addressed. She guessed it would be 6 months, at least. He sees the CSAT today, and I'll go for a joint session in the next week or three, whenever our babysitter gets back from spring break.
We've decided not to separate just yet, because we'd rather not cause the kids that pain and stress if it's short term (obviously, we're being optimistic about his recovery). I just don't know how we're supposed to behave around each other during the next 6 months or whatever. Do we not hang out together, watch TV, etc? Do we not do date nights? Do we just interact when it relates to the kids or the house, and that's it? What's the deal with the sexual sobriety thing? Does that mean we can't have sex? Is all physical contact out?
I just have no idea how to behave in this situation, and I don't want to do something wrong and mess things up.
I'm trying to work on the exercises on Recovery Nation, and I'm trying to find a S-Anon meeting to go to. He's attending SLAA and Al-Anon meetings. Hopefully he'll start the battery of tests for ADHD, Asperger's, etc next week.
It doesn't excuse (completely) my behavior, but it does explain it. I know that. But I also have to forgive myself. I, you, we have suffered unbearable trauma. It's only when I lash out, loose control, show him and me the ugly person I have become that I realize how much trauma I have experienced. I really hate the person I have become. At times like that, I feel like I don't want to live. I feel like I don't have anything to live for, except my kids. I just want the pain to end. It didn't help my sense of security that he threatened divorce in the middle of all my angst-something he PROMISED he would never do. I know he was frustrated, but why is it that I am the only one that STILL keeps all my promises.
I know that this was terrible for him. All the feelings of worthlessness and guilt came rushing back...he stepped up his SA meetings and went twice to his IC instead of once. Kudos for him for handling it that way, of course, but crap, I have been handling things the "right" way (well MOST of the time) for 32 years...
We have begun to work through the exercises on Recovery Nation. I think it may be helpful. I think. But the thing is, it may also be problem. It's brought up old questions about the very BEGINNING of our relationship. Here's the part:
"... transparent, open communication style is not present in those who are struggling with sexually compulsive behavior. At best, especially in the beginning of a relationship, there will be a 'selective openness' that will have you believing that they are pouring out their souls--but it is a measured tactic. Such 'deep communication' is required to achieve the instant intimacy that is required in many types of sex/love addictions."
He did this. He instantly charmed me with his openness, his lack of game playing, his candor and (seemingly) openness. I know he did this with the whores, too. Even the strippers. This is the charm of the sex addict. See, I was just one more of his targets, even though I happened 32 years ago. How do I even know if ANY of our marriage was real?
"They frown upon small talk and believe it is a waste of time in social settings--preferring instead for deep, meaningful conversations. With small talk, they realize that there is no possibility for an "instant connection" to those they are talking with. Why is small talk so difficult for them? It is too unpredictable. They are no longer in control of the conversation and thus, they risk being asked personal questions that will lead to uncomfortable moments. While they are engaged in deep conversation, romantically compulsive people have a phenomenal ability to remember all of the lies that they have told (both past and current), and to naturally steer the conversations away from topics that might threaten to expose those lies.
And social conversations within a group? Forget it. The sexual/romantic addict is a master at remembering exactly what story he/she is telling, why he/she is telling it, "planning ahead" for the impact of the story and measuring the outcome of the story. At the same time, he/she is also calculating past stories with this person and setting them up for future conversations. Part of their extraordinary ability to communicate is in their ability to read a person's body language and subtle inflections. This is nearly impossible in a group setting. There is simply too much stimuli to process to allow the trance-like state to exist."
THIS describes my SAfWH very well. I saw him in action more than once. He isn't capable, nor is he comfortable with small talk. Nor does he "flirt" well. It's why he justified his KISA actions and "friendships" He "wasn't doing anything wrong" He was "just talking"
And the truth of the matter is that I am the only person in his WHOLE LIFE that he EVER treated badly, that he EVER yelled at, insulted, openly scorned. He didn't confronted OW#2 when he learned that she had given me an STD because she lied, never confronted OW#3 when she spread rumors around the town that we were divorcing as soon as DS#2 graduated, nothing. Only I was his enemy...And my tears proved I was a manipulative bitch, but that wasn't the case with the whores and strippers that took thousands of dollars from him.
Our last D-day was 2009-January. Does this ever go away?
For those of you with a S in early recovery, I have a piece of advice. If you have a condition for recovery, one that involves helping you heal from the trauma, don't WAIT for him to be ready to do it. INSIST on what you want and hold him accountable. I feel like I have wasted 4 more years along with the active addiction years of my marriage.
And I get older by the second.
@ sK- I registered on RecoveyNation ages ago but never did anything beyond the first lesson on the partner side because I was so intimidated by the whole thing. I know I need to work on the lessons but I’m afraid to work their program while I’m in the house with him.
It's only when I lash out, loose control, show him and me the ugly person I have become that I realize how much trauma I have experienced. I really hate the person I have become. At times like that, I feel like I don't want to live. I feel like I don't have anything to live for, except my kids. I just want the pain to end. It didn't help my sense of security that he threatened divorce in the middle of all my angst-something he PROMISED he would never do. I know he was frustrated, but why is it that I am the only one that STILL keeps all my promises.
THIS ^^^^! Word for word. Absolutely. Me too.
As for communication styles and problems, we have them in spades. Although
While they are engaged in deep conversation, romantically compulsive people have a phenomenal ability to remember all of the lies that they have told (both past and current), and to naturally steer the conversations away from topics that might threaten to expose those lies.
^^^ is SAWH to a T. Totally. Which is why he struggled so hard Wednesday night while we were discussing how DD feels and how SAWH was behaving with her in the car.
I was his enemy...And my tears proved I was a manipulative bitch,
Change the verbs to present tense and this is me/us. Your advice to others is accurate. The truth of my situation is that the subsequent events after the initial DDays (2010) have done more damage to me than ‘just adultery’ so to speak.
I have struggled against self harm impulses all week. I’m moving my plans up as much as I can. I haven’t done a budget mock up yet, but even with help it’ll be a close thing. And if I want to do therapy it may be impossible for me to go through with things. The problem is that I *have to* restart therapy. It isn’t an option. I’ll likely need to change job sites if possible, etc. I tried to make appointments with legal aid, but each office was closed although I made sure to go during posted office hours. Very very frustrating.
Another issue popped up last night. SAWH has been locked out of the site his company uses to track hours and pay. He accused both me *and* DS2 of hacking the site and screwing up his pay. I have no access to the site, don’t know his passwords and would never mess with his pay- and it should have gone without saying that I would *never* involve DS2 . Ever. But because of our confrontation earlier in the week, SAWH is convinced I/we (DS2 & I) f-ed up his pay. On purpose. Never mind the fact that his work computer has been screwed up for weeks & that nothing has been done to fix it. I told him several times, calmly and quietly and forcefully, that I didn’t do what he has accused me of and that DS2 isn’t involved at all. Period. And I’ve left it at that.
I swear- I have got to get out of this. ASAP.
[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 8:43 AM, March 17th (Saturday)]
At no point in my life did I ever envision myself needing to draft a legal document prohibiting the father of my children from having images depicting human sexual behavior or naked genitals in his home when the children are present.
I'm just sayin...
Sorry I've been a bit MIA this week. I'm trying to be more diligent in getting documentation to the lawyer. Dad-freakin'-gum.
WH and I went to visit his parents overnight. Before we left we did all the normal stuff, you know, checking mail and locking doors, etc. When we got home, the front door was open. We both got nervous, and WH decided he needed a stick to walk inside. Which was actually pretty funny. Anyway, we didn't notice anything missing, and couldn't figure out what happened. The door was still locked, but you can break in with a credit card without unlocking it. So then I decided to check the mail, and our mail was on the ground below it. The actual mailbox was FILLED with twigs and dirt and moss and leaves.
It was weird. As WH has pointed out, if this is the best she can do, it's not that bad. But her breaking in was the first thought for both of us. And I can't imagine anyone breaking in and not taking anything unless they are completely nuts. Which she is. And I know this because WH told me this week that she admitted to trying to make her ex sick by feeding him food he was allergic to. Which led to a very fun conversation about how stupid it is to have sex with someone who has told you she intentionally tried to physically harm the last person who slept with her. Anyway.
Thoughts? I mean, what's the likelihood, really, that she broke into our house, didn't do anything noticeable and then stuffed random nature into our mailbox? It sounds a little ridiculous, right? It sounds downright completely unbelievable.
But on the other hand, what is the likelihood that local squirrels pried open our mailbox and stuffed it full of twigs and moss? Or that our door popped open while still locked of its own accord? In any case, while I was very uncomfortable at first and kept thinking she had been in my house (again), WH is right. If she DID break in...well, I don't have much to worry about because we couldn't even be sure!
*latest* dday: January 26
Me: BS, 29
Him: f(?)WH, 30
R? I think...
Phoenix, how scary. I'd get a new lock that can't be jimmied open. And all the precautions NG and Raidra said. Maybe nothing happened, but if she has broken in before...I would have a hard time believing she didn't again with what you've seen.
Raidra, you asked about sobriety. They usually give a SA a 90 day minimum on sobriety, sometimes more, and the therapist will usually define exactly what sobriety is for the particular person. But more importantly you have to ask yourself why you want to have sex with someone who has put you at risk.
This is what I did. After DDay, I laid down the law and said no sex until two clean STD reports six months apart, minimum. Then the course we took last fall said no physical contact that would end up in orgasm for either of us until the end of the course, about the same time period. That pretty much made it easy to take sex off the table and not have to think about why I would even want him to touch me let alone have sex with me, LOL. I could focus on other things that were more critical in the beginning for self-care.
It's been nine months now. I still have not had sex with him or done anything that would result in orgasm. This is mainly because he is not in what I consider full active recovery. He's going to IC weekly, but not 12 step/sponsor or anything else. I've told him he has to be further in recovery for it to even be a possibility. We've come too far to screw it up now. So now he's starting to go to 12 step and looking into a therapy group, etc. He's trying to do whatever it takes to regain my trust and get better. It wasn't always this way.
In the meantime I'm facing my issues. It is horrible what being a spouse of a SA does to you. It takes whatever issues you had before and makes them ten times worse, plus adds a whole bunch more to the mix. It's very very important you get treatment for yourself, totally independent of what goes on with your SA. Otherwise you will get worse, and set yourself up to get hurt over and over again (not necessarily by your SA).
We do cuddle. He does give me backrubs, etc. But it is more for intimacy and reconnecting than sex. But again, we are nine months out now, it took us a while to get us to this stage.
As you can imagine, the past 2 years have been a struggle for me. We went to a few sessions of MC, which were not really helpful to either of us. I went to IC myself for several months initially, which did help me. I started going again in January but I don’t think the C I had was really a good match so I dropped her after a couple sessions. I need to find someone else which leads me to why I’m posting here today.
I am about 99% sure that WH is an SA. His FOO is just completely crazy and dysfunctional, particularly his mother who is/was an alcoholic. WH was married 2x before me…first to his HS sweetheart who divorced him after about 5 years when she was diagnosed with cancer and he was completely unable to be emotionally supportive to him. He became suicidal after she left him but then started dating heavily and ended up marrying his 2nd wife about 2 years after the divorce. She was a ‘wild child’ according to him. She ended up cheating on him while he was deployed to Kosovo and they separated and divorced soon after.
I met him about 2 years later. He was completely upfront about his past from the earliest days of our relationship, so much so that I thought nothing of his marriages or his crazy family since he explained it all away and did not seem to hide anything. I was 34, never married, just a couple serious relationships in my past, had a career and a nice life. I really thought he was ‘the one’ if such thing exists. He was so charming and really into me from way to early in our relationship. I mean he would seriously talk about us getting married, having babies, etc just weeks after we met. I fell for it all. Looking back I can see that those were huge red flags. But at the time, I guess he was telling me what I wanted to hear and I got sucked in.
We moved in together about 6 months after we met. He was traveling a ton for work and I hated it, missed him so much. While he was gone and started finding a lot of porn on there…mostly straight but a bit of gay porn too. I honestly thought the gay porn was a mistake…like he must have clicked on something accidently and it came up. (I know…totally delusional.) We started arguing about it and he constantly brushed it off…all guys look at porn, etc. etc. My point was that I felt like he was spending too much time looking at porn and jerking off in our attic (where the computer was) while he had a willing and able girlfriend who missed him. We just kept going round and round about it without resolution.
About 4 months after we moved in, we got the big shock that I was pregnant. I was excited but scared. I loved him with all my heart but I felt like we had been growing apart since moving in, which we had. I always had the feeling that he was super excited about the baby, but not so much about me. He ended up asking me to marry him and we married when I was about 5 months pregnant. I NEVER pressured him to marry me and in my mind thought that since he had asked me on his own that it meant he really loved me as much as I loved him.
The pregnancy was uneventful physically but mentally I was an emotional basket case. I was crying all the time. We were having arguments about the porn, about his female friends, about finances, household stuff, really everything and all I could do was cry. I completely blamed it on pregnancy hormones.
Our daughter’s due date came and went and I was off from work. I was fooling around on the computer and found a cybersex chat between him and some woman from a couple days before. I was devastated. I printed out the whole thing and left it sitting on the desk upstairs. He came home and saw it but didn’t say anything for a while. Then of course I started bawling and he apologized over and over…said things got out of hand, he didn’t mean for it to happen. The thing was, he never seemed to grasp how what he did would have any sort of impact on me…just got a blank look on his face when I said ‘How could you do that to me?’
I went in to labor several hours later. I felt like I had no choice but to move past the cybersex because I had a baby to take care of now. I remember thinking that my daughter’s birth would be tainted in my mind forever because of this event with him. Thankfully, I was wrong about that.
We had to move across the country when DD was a month old (military.) He was a model Dad. But I never stopped being suspicious of him, I always felt like I had to check up on him. I would find ‘stuff’ all the time…whether it was porn, an inappropriate conversation or whatever. All of you know the cycle: feel something is off with him, search until you find something, confront, he begs forgiveness, things are okay for a while then the cycle starts again. This went on for 7 years with us until the big D day after his deployment. Except after that he stopped being apologetic to me and started blaming me. We didn’t have sex enough, I was a SAHM doing nothing all day spending all his money, blah, blah, blah. (He is also a compulsive spender. When he left for Iraq, I found out he had over 90K in credit card debt…all of it his.)
Supposedly we are in reconciliation but it many ways things have gotten worse. I have tried to detach but can’t seem to leave him. I KNOW THAT I NEED TO. I just can’t seem to get the ball rolling. He refuses any sort of counseling now…and tells me there’s nothing wrong with him, he’s in a great place professionally and in his relationship with DD, that *I* am the only bad thing in his life. Lovely, huh?
I feel so stuck and so stupid for holding out hope that this situation is going to change. I know I need counseling but am wondering if a CSAT would treat me without any confirmation that my WS is indeed an SA? I really think he is but then there is that tiny part of me that starts believing the crap he tells me and I start to think that maybe it is me.
Sorry for the novel.
[This message edited by mommy41 at 5:39 PM, March 20th (Tuesday)]
I'd also look into any S-Anon groups in your area. Of course Al-Anon or COSA groups would work too, but IMHO S-Anon can give you things the other groups cannot. It is very powerful to be in a room with others going through the same thing.
MY WH is also undiagnosed, but only because he refuses to see a therapist. I've had to educate myself about this horrible addiction -- and in my unprofessional opinion, my WH fits the bill.
There can be no R IF your WH refuses to be diagnosed or treated. I found this out the hard way. We had many false R's and each one caused me to die just a little bit more. Death by a thousand cuts, KWIM?
Others will come along to offer advise and support. But take care of you and your precious child first and foremost. We cannot fix them, hon -- they can only fix themselves. Sending you hugs and strength...
[This message edited by Ghostwalker at 6:30 PM, March 20th (Tuesday)]
Hi all, especially to Mommy41, our newest thread-member. Welcome to an incredibly supportive and BTDT part of SI.
Addiction is especially hard to deal with- sexual addiction, particularly, as it is a process and intimacy disorder. Which essentially means that SA is a very difficult addiction to brreak because the human sex drive is hard wired into our bodies, like the drive to eat.
Food addiction and sex addiction are both process addictions. In order to break the sex addiction the addict (the SA) must completely rewire their sexual ideas, attitudes and responses and behaviors from the ground up. The intimacy disorder part means that the SA uses sex to 'push down' to suppress their emotions. SA is *not* about having a high sex drive or being sexually unsatisfied. Orgasms are the addict's drug of choice in order to cope with their feelings.
Many of us here have our stories posted in our profile. Some of us have H's who are in or are working active recovery. Others of us have H's who deny the addiction or the diagnosis and are actively acting out. Still other SA BS' are on other parts of the site, notably S&D.
Anyway, please keep posting with us. We can offer support and advice and ideas for the unique and painful life that is being an SA Spouse. Hath and Ghost offer you excellent advice.
I visited a CSAT by myself right after my last and biggest D-Day. So yes, they will see you even if your H refuses to go. It was the most helpful thing I've ever done for myself in my entire life.
I also went to several COSA group meetings, which helped me get over some of the shame of my H's SA. The CSAT really wanted me to go to Al-Anon, and I wish I had done it.
Anyhow, I'm so sorry you're in this place. Please post often - we're all here for you.
I'm so sorry you're here. We'll walk this path with you. You're not alone in this. Summoning the courage to speak up & tell your story is a HUGE step. It's so hard to finally "come out of the closet" and seek support & help. It's like birth pains, in a way. Only it's YOUR birth, or re-birth. The pain brings change & a new life, be it a new life with a reconciled marriage, or a new life without your spouse.
Take your time.
ETA: My IC is not a CSAT or whatever that lettered designation is the others refer to. HOWEVER, she is awesome. We are a good fit with each other, she has totally understood exactly what I've been saying, she's had me do the hard work to transform myself, it seems like the advice she's given me has been in line with what the others here are getting. I share this to encourage you, if you are't finding a CSAT, to not give up & not get IC anyway.
[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 11:49 PM, March 20th (Tuesday)]
first I want to thank scaredeycat, and wsisa for responding to my other post, what seems like ages ago!
Ghost, Im so sorry to hear about your son. Its so painful to watch our kids going through problems, and in his case, his health and life is at stake. I cant imagine the stress you are under. Big hugs to you.
Nature girl, glad you are being proactive with the childcare plan. Sucks to have to worry about these things now.
finding phoenix, thats really freaky. I wonder if you could install some kind of surviellance camera to catch if she tries anything again.
raidra, sending thoughts your way. Im also planning to start recoverynation. Let us know how you find it.
Ok just almost lost this, so going to post and start a second one.
Sabina, you've got a lot going on and I really feel for you. Its especially hard when there are some good changes that you see, but keep being reminded that they still have the negative behaviors. Makes it more confusing, when we are already so confused by all this mess. That thing about him being locked out of his work hour records strikes me as odd.
BTW, wanted to say I like the last quote on your signature line!
Scaredy, my h also gave himself a "gift" on his last bday Makes it really hard for me to even acknowledge his bday. Just wanted to say I understand. Hope youre feeling a little better.
It doesn't excuse (completely) my behavior, but it does explain it. I know that. But I also have to forgive myself. I, you, we have suffered unbearable trauma. It's only when I lash out, loose control, show him and me the ugly person I have become that I realize how much trauma I have experienced.
Hugs to all you gals here!