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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 8
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, February 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the birthday wishes, Hope. I'm glad I work late tonight, it will keep my mind off things.

Hugs and strength to all...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, February 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello ladies! I have been out of pocket since my mom and sister visited last week. Also we close on the house on Friday. So craziness at the Hath household.

Happy Birthday Ghost! Do something super special for YOU today! I tell ya buying that huge bouquet of flowers for Valentine's for myself was awesome, I plan to do that every bday, anniversary, etc for MYSELF.

((((WS)))) May I offer a suggestion? Have you told your WH you have the option to annul? I would, and I would tell him I am seriously considering it, especially since he is not serious about his recovery and he is unwilling to put your marriage over the addiction. That might have some affect on him, and honestly he needs to know the potential consequences of his actions.

Something I often have regrets and second thoughts about after DDay was that I did not file, to show I was serious about leaving without significant change. I did not file because when I looked into it, I was entitled to very little and could not leave the state with my kids. I instead chose to go the post nup route to get the financial security and custody arrangement I needed. But in doing that, I sacrificed that option to show how serious I was about recovery. I think he would have jumped a whole lot faster and higher had I done that. But who knows, maybe it would have had no effect.

I have lots to share at a later time. My therapist is really tied into the whole SA spouse therapy industry and has access to a lot of things us normal people done, LOL. She has told me about a lot of changes in the field, and in books that are the gold standard for our treatment, etc and it's so very liberating. I can't wait to have time to do share this with you. But not this morning, I am running late.

[This message edited by hathnofury at 8:23 AM, February 28th (Tuesday)]


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
cupcakegirl
♀ Member
Member # 33594
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, February 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi ladies. I read your posts and am humbled by your strength and your endurance.

Sometimes I almost feel like I don't belong in the regular posting threads as well as this one, even though my WH is SA for 30 yrs and he was unfaithful our whole marriage. My SAH is choosing to work on recovery. He is not acting out (for now and for last 4 mos.thanx to poly-g) So I should be grateful and healing and in super-R for our M, right? sigh, not that simple.

Right after disclosure I was so relieved to know the whole truth however painful. I followed CSATs care plan. Braced myself for triggers, but I didn't get my first one for 2 months- and then they kept coming, out of nowhere- big and bad.
SAH tells me to tell him when I am experiencing one and he listens for a bit-BUT...each one ends in a big fight because he has to say something so hurtful and crappy and I blow my lid. He can't see how harmful his reactions are until the next day and then tells me that my triggers are hard for him too.
This weekend one of his former sex partners from long ago emailed him to wish happy bd. SAH has had secret communication w/her our entire marriage (more like EA, not PA). So after disclosure in Oct., we blocked both her addys. So she cooks up a new one, he truthfully offers me this info on his own (which is so good, I know), but I am angry, frustrated and hurt that he has had more chit chat w/her in our marriage than we have had sex in our marriage. My SAH thinks that because he volunteered the truth, that I should not get upset. I told him I am upset at her and the situation. He told me when I was calling her some choice words that "this is what I get for telling the truth?" I lost it and went into coo-coo land-seriously i cant even remember what all I said. He did not contact her- but dammit this is some of residue from his addiction that just seems to slap me daily. Next day he told me that he thinks I have trouble validating him...I lost it again. I am in IC and group, so I have support.
I am tired and we just agreed to an in home separation-not sure if I can heal w/him in my life and it grieves me. Man, I feel crazy today.


Me:BS, 43
Him: SAH, 48
Married 21 years
DDay 1: 2007
First day of transparency in M: 10/17/11
Polygraph 1/13/12 passed!
Polygraph 7/8/12 passed!
Polygraph 2/4/13 passed!
Next Poly is 2/14 passed!

Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, February 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[Sigh.]

I am in a fog again today. It hurts so much that I just get overwhelmed and shut down altogether. Just can't feel anything. Just existing, a shell of a person going through the motions.

Talked with WS for a long time last night. Too long really. 3 hours by the time I hung up the phone around 1am.

WS apologized for the things he had said. Said he is having a hard time. Says he feels jealous and resentful that he cannot lead a "normal" life - that he cannot handle having access to internet, smartphones, etc. without getting into trouble. Says that it is not my fault. Says it is just something that he is angry about in general...angry at himself, angry at God, angry at the addiction.

Said he does not want to go back to active addict life. Disclosed more to me about how he used to live, how he used to hide things, the frequency of such deception. Almost seemed to be bragging about it in a way. Said things like, "you really didn't notice I never left my phone around?" "You really never noticed when I was touching myself while laying in bed with you?"

I don't know.

He has moved "lying/deception" to his list of inner circle behaviors - his list of bottom lines. I guess before it was a middle circle behavior - something that was not "breaking" his sobriety but leading into it...

He says lying/hiding is a big part of his addiction, and that he is now considering it a bottom line for himself. He has reset his "sobriety date" to Day 1 again.

I don't know.

I told him that being with him was slowly killing me. It sucked the joy out of my life, my joy out of how I view the world, and that the hurt was so great that it made me do harmful things to myself like drink and take drugs.

I told him I need a break.

We agreed not to talk again until Thursday. I meant to make it a week, but then I caved and decided to start with a 3-day trial period.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know...


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, February 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday Ghost...I wish you peace and strength for today.

***(((Ghost)))***


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, February 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ghost..Hope you have a good day..do something for yourself...Happy bday!!


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..divorced slut who prefers committed men, specializing in befriending and bopping the fathers of her kids team mates
Status..%&$#@?$

Posts: 3951 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, February 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday Ghost! Do something special for yourself today.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, February 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS is an Addict,

While I am sure inpatient treatment can be wonderful when the SA is open to it, if they are not at a place where they are ready to really embrace recovery, all the tools under the sun handed to them will do no good. I would venture to say that most SA's don't just enter recovery upon realization that they are SA. It took my H 10 years and a real rock bottom to get there. I would not advocate that anyone wait around years to see if their SA will become serious about recovery.

I disagree with hath about using the annulment as a motivator. The SA cannot change to save a marriage or relationship; they need to be motivated to change because they cannot continue on with themselves in this manner. If your SA decided to work on recovery because you were going to leave him otherwise, what happens when he gets angry with you about something? He is going to relapse/slip and act out. It is the addict entitlement mentality. If the SA is not changing for themselves, forget it.

Honestly, I think NC and pursuing the annulment would be for the best. You are young and do not have children. I also think you need therapy and a support group of your own to recover, even if you do leave him. You need to work on yourself. You have been dealt a major blow and you need help. I don't remember if you are in IC? Are there any S-Anon groups nearby? Please, take care of YOU. I see you pouring a lot of mental energy into your SA, but not nearly enough into YOU. I realize this is all still new to you, but it can destroy you if you let it. BTDT.

As for the technology issue, I understand how many are fearful of their SA using the computer, cell phones, etc. However, SA has been around long before the internet. My H found the internet to be a playground, but honestly, he was acting out long before the internet....adult book stores, strippers, prostitutes, scanning, etc. In fact, the toughest behavior for SA's to break is scanning. They create their own porn by fantasizing about random people. At some point, the SA is going to have to choose recovery or not. We have no control over their thoughts. I understand that your boundaries include technological restrictions, but that is a short term fix. If he wants to act out, he will.

I know that voicing my opinion in favor of annulment may not be popular, but if it saves you from YEARS of heartache down the road, it would be a great option. How many of us wish we would have had that option when we first realized the scope of what we were dealing with?

I told him that being with him was slowly killing me. It sucked the joy out of my life, my joy out of how I view the world, and that the hurt was so great that it made me do harmful things to myself like drink and take drugs.

The summer before the last d-day, I was drinking heavily at home in the mornings after work, and hiding it. Several fifths of alcohol a week, trying to numb it all out. I know that this is not the life any of us would want for you, either. HUGS.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, February 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cupcakegirl,

I often feel like I don't belong at SI in general. My story is vastly different than the majority of posters, so I tend to stick to this thread. Even here, I know that I am the oddball because my H is in a strong active recovery, and very few SA's actually get there. I am not bragging on him; believe me there was enough really atrocious behavior there that I don't tell my story to most people. He did some things that were really predatory and abusive (to me and others). I could not have continued to live with that person. Thank God he is so different now. Our CSAT, who has been doing this for a long time, says we are outliers, and that when he met us 2.5 years ago he would not have expected such a good outcome.

I don't want to give people false hope, either. I don't want people to say that "TMY's H is in recovery, mine can get there too." SA is a terrible, progressive addiction. I had the "luxury" of seeing how it progressed through the years for my H. I have seen how it brought all of us, our kids included, to the brink of destruction. I don't ever wish that on anyone. The level of dysfunction in my household on the last d-day, and in the time following was severe. Our marriage was weak from the start due to our own unacknowledged FOO issues that we both brought into this. Add in the SA, and the affects on our kids have been very hard for me to deal with. Harder than the lies and betrayal.

Even when your SA is in recovery, you don't just "get over it". There is a lot to process and it takes a lot of time. This is all still new to you. I understand the need for space, and honestly, even if he is in recovery, you don't owe him anything for it. If you still choose to separate, that is ok, too. I did not make a complete commitment back to R and the marriage for the first 1.5 years. I had to work through a lot of anger and grief and process things. And it is ok to see where things go and decide then. Addicts do have a hard time at first with empathy, but as they work the steps and continue to be called out on it by their CSAT's they can develop it. My H has become very empathetic and attentive now.

The first birthday I had after he entered recovery I had high expectations. I was so disappointed that he "forgot" or failed to acknowledge my birthday, which is how I have always spent my birthdays. I was pissed and told him so. He told his sponsor about our argument, and his sponsor (and later his CSAT, too) called him out on it. A day later he baked me a cake and bought me a present. I didn't eat any of the cake, lol, and waited another day to even open the present. This was 7 months into recovery. It takes a lot of time to change old behaviors and reactions. Now, he is very attentive to birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. Almost to the point where I let go of that, but he picked it up. I now get letters, presents, etc. on holidays. There has been a lot of change.

If your SA is serious about recovery, take your time and process your feelings. Voice your concerns when he says/does things that are hurtful. Tell him to bounce it off his CSAT and sponsor if he doesn't understand why you are upset. That is why they have support, to help them grow. If you really feel that you cannot heal with him, do what you need to for YOU. Do not be concerned about his recovery, because if it is real and he is doing it for the right reasons he will carry on with or without you.

Take care of YOU. Even with a SA in recovery, the first few years are bumpy.

[This message edited by TooManyYears at 12:20 PM, February 28th (Tuesday)]


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, February 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I should have the marriage annulled. I know that is the logical, wise and judicious thing to do.

I'm just not ready to do it, and I don't think I'll be ready by March 14th.

So I think I'm just going to have to go for the big D when and if things do not change by the 1 year mark.

In the mean time, I am going to do my best to start detaching. Try to talk to him less. Try to worry about him less. Try to let go of control over the situation - if he wants to have ipad/iphone he can. He needs to make his own decisions. I'm going to let go of my side of the rope - whether he climbs out or whether he hangs himself, well I guess only he knows.

I'm just so sad, but I can't control him. I'm going to try to accept that he is an addict and stop dreaming about him being "cured." I'm going to try to let go of the illusion which was our marriage before. I'm going to try to not let this ruin my life. I'm going to try to let go, but I'm going to give myself the time I need to do it.

It's just so sad...so very, very sad. If only you could love someone out of addiction...I would love him forever.

I think I'll love him forever anyway.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, February 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Ghost Happy Birthday...I know it isn't how you want to celebrate, so do it anyway. Plan a day for you, take a drive have a pedicure. Something just self indulgent. BTDT, just after a particularly shocking d-day. Time does help. ((((((ghost))))))))

WS, you absolutely MUST detach, for your own sake. Please read TMY's post and then read it again. Drive as long as you need to to get to an Sanon meeting. He is not ready to recover yet. He knows the jargon, can see the yellow brick road but he is still just an observer. Don't lose sight of the fact that this is a compelling brain based illness. The "high" he gets from the lying, the active acting out, the scanning, all of it, are chemical changes. Not unlike those they get from drugs. It isn't about you, it isn't about love, its addiction.

You are hurting so much. We get it. You need to get help IRL to heal. Please find a support group near you.

*********(((((WS)))))))))***********


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2908 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, February 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((HUGS TO YOU WSIA))))))


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8748 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, February 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS ~ Hugs to you, sweetheart. Your pain is so palpable, it comes through your post. So sorry...

Too Many Years, your post to WS was very helpful to me as well. Thank you for sharing your experience. Through the wisdom of the women on this forum, I am starting to detach. I kicked my SAWH out two weeks ago. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, as I still love him deeply. But staying with him was damaging my health - and that of my family.

He sent beautiful flowers to me today for my birthday -- and a heartfelt card. I thanked him, but kept it very short.

Thank you all for the birthday wishes. I can't say it isn't a sad one, but here's hoping next year will be a better one for all of us.


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, February 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday Ghost! I hope you were able to find a least a little peace and happiness today!

***(((WSIA))***


~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, February 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted in the S/D forum about how I don't miss my WH's yelling at me & ordering me around. If you're interested, you may want to pop over there to see what fun my first verbal interaction with him was tonight.

Today I took the kids to their first "kids' counselor" appointment. They feel so grown-up that they have their own counselor! LOL My son told me that he also wants his own lawyer. The kids had a good time with the counselor, she seems a good fit (so far), plus she has a little dog which she keeps with her at all times, so my kids went nuts for the dog.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8748 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, February 29th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TMY, you are right about using the annulment as a motivator. But don't you think, even if the addict is in a place that they aren't listening at the moment, that they should be told what the consequences of their actions are as they occur? I'm all for embracing the "teachable moment" just like I do with the kids, but that doesn't mean when THEY misbehave I still don't call them out on their behavior and state why it's unacceptable, even if they are not in a place to process it at the time. Then follow up later at the teachable moment. IDK, maybe with addicts it makes no difference until they are ready to hear it.

I'm also going to agree with TMY on the annulment. If it were me, I'd want to distance myself from any liability from his past and future actions. He is an addict who is not really in active recovery, he is capable of doing some pretty scary things that could have legal and financial consequences. Also, if it were me, I'd want to end the marriage that was founded on fraud and lies, and start a NEW one founded on honesty and authenticity later if it was in the cards. That doesn't mean you have to stop loving him, stop wanting him to get better, stop wanting to have the M with him that you deserve. I just mean get out of the the M that IT IS, and start over and do it the right way if it's possible. But I also know it's really easy to say that from over here, and actually being in the sitch is totally different and immensely painful and complicated.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, February 29th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SO I wanted to update with some exciting stuff I heard in my therapy. My therapist is really tied into the SA recovery community, does the conferences and knows Pat Carnes and Stephanie Carnes, etc. She is also very much against the traditional co-dependent model of treatment, and thinks spouses should be handled and treated in a different manner. That we are actually suffering from relational trauma, stemming from FOO and compounded by having a relationship with an addict, etc.

Anyway, the Mending the Shattered Heart book has been totally revised and she's coming out with a new book in July. It's all going to be addressing the stuff we've been talking about, the problems we have had with the traditional therapy model. Stephanie Carnes is actually in my town this week and giving a speech about it, but I can't go because of all the craziness that is going on with the new home purchase.

My therapist was a spouse of a sex addict and has been in the industry for 20+ years. She said something very profound, I will see if I can find the exact quote in my notes later. Anyway, the model used to be that something along the lines of "the loss of self causes the spouse to obsess about the partner's addiction" whereas now the model is moving toward "the partner's addiction causes the spouse's loss of self". That because of FOO we learn to deal with things in a certain way, then BLAM we are dealt the SA spouse card, and it throws us in severe trauma and as a result we have loss of self in trying to survive the trauma. Etc.

I need to find my notes, I hope I'm not getting off track. Anyway, exciting stuff. Because so much of it we have been discussing here, the very same things. But it's super crazy for me this week, maybe I can get it together next week.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1402 | Registered: Jun 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, February 29th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath, I'll be so curious to learn of the things you are talking about. Can't wait to read when you get a chance!

Small victory for me today. I have not talked to WS since Monday. Our next phone call will be Thursday evening. Baby steps, but I am at least making the effort to detach.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
traditoperanni
♀ Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, February 29th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first time posting in this forum. After 2 years of trying to R I have come to find out my WH never stopped his behavior. I have come to realize that he is a SA.The MC that we were seeing agrees. (see profile) It seems for the last two years when I thought we were trying to R my WH continued this behavior matter of fact it got worse. I discovered through a keylogger and other cellphone that I found that
he has been in contact with OW and never stopped and that a new OW was added to the mix not to mention the escorts. I found over 20-30 names and numbers!
I confronted him again in the presence of MC and at first he LIED and denied it all-until I gave him proof. He then broke down.
I am so disgusted with him and so hurt I can't even look at him. I told him he needs help. He has agreed to
seek help which he has already done and has been assessed. He h as promised me that he has cut off all contact with everyone. I am skeptical.
I had asked him to leave the house however, I can't seem to get him to leave. he is begging me to stay. For financial reason only,
I have agreed to let him stay to see how things go.
But, I sometime have no feeling for him at all. He is dead to me.
I can't get past the hurt. I have stopped MC for now because we were in MC for 2 years and that was a waste of time. The MC agrees. He is now starting his program.
It's so hard to be with someone and not feel anything. I hope he gets the help he needs. But, I don't think I can ever truly forgive him for what he has done. I do know that if our finances were in a better place I would divorce him in a heartbeat. I'm tired of feeling sad and hurt.


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 412 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, February 29th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to our forum. There are many wise and supportive women here who will gladly help you. First, I am so sorry for your pain.

I kicked my SAWH out two weeks ago. He would not acknowledge he had a problem -- and refused to seek help. Since I've kicked him out, I have been bombarded with apologies, flowers, phone calls and loving emails. I am more convinced than ever that he is still acting out.

We are approximately your age (late 50's) -- and also cannot afford to separate. Let him figure it out. I am slowly detaching, otherwise I would go insane. I don't deserve this, and neither do you, sweetie.

Sending you strength and hugs...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
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