I need some advice:
I've discovered that I have grounds for an annulment to my marriage, rather than a divorce. The only catch? I would need to file within the next 3 weeks (which marks 90 days from dday). I'm torn...I really am. I feel like that's not enough time to make a decision, but at the same time, I also feel like my marriage is not real and that I truly have been "frauded."
Please share with me your thoughts and opinions. I am in need of wisdom.
You're so young, and you have a bright life and future ahead of you. You'll find someone else to love - someone who is healthy enough to love you back. Someone that is trustworthy enough to be a good father.
I hope you get the annulment. Life is too short to spend it here on SI.com feeling nothing but misery over someone you can't control. Look at me - ugh.
Let me tell you what's been in my head for several weeks now. The way I see it, right now, the way WH is mentally & emotionally, there's no way on God's green earth I could or would reconcile with him, take him back, whatever. Not possible. Why not possible? Because he isn't healthy enough to reconcile with. I am under no moral, social, or spiritual/religious obligation to reconcile with someone who is mentally unhealthy like this. Nor am I under any obligation to remain married to him.
The marriage I had is over. I am not the same person who took those vows. *I* am healthier. For purposes of self-preservation and protecting my children, I cannot remain married. If an anullment had been possible, I might have gone that route since I think it's cheaper & quicker? Maybe.
WSisaA, you are still in the first half of your life. You are still in your 20's! You have no kids. Your baggage with your husband, while heavy, is less than those of us with children & more than a decade of marriage behind us.
You can always marry him again if he proves himself worthy of it. You'll have a True Romance story if you do.
There is a fuzzy line between an obsession with sex and a full-blown addiction to it. I couldn't tell you if your WH has crossed that line. Mine was over that line long before we even married, but kept it hidden from me. My WH was unable to have a "normal" sex life with me. And unless I was willing to give him his preferred ritualistic kind of blow job, he couldn't even sustain an erection. He could not stop masturbating to porn, and I've been finding really hard-core stuff around the house/our property for years.
So sorry you're here.
And unless I was willing to give him his preferred ritualistic kind of blow job, he couldn't even sustain an erection.
(Thank god this site is anonymous!)
(Thank god this site is anonymous!)
(Thank god this site is anonymous!)
I know, right?!?!?!?!
Ostrich, I am so sorry you find yourself here. My WH wasn't an avid porn viewer, he just acted out with real, live women. UGH. My WH has never been diagnosed as an SA since he refused to seek help. We have currently separated, in large part to this stubborn refusal to address his core issues.
The others have more experience in this area. You've found a wonderful, supportive group of people who will be happy to help you. Hugs to you, hon. Hugs to us all...
I wish I had great advice for you, but I have to say if I got the same info I wouldn't know what to do either. Maybe draw up all the paperwork and then see if it becomes clearer before the deadline.
Feeling rushed doesn't help, I know. But I don't think you'll ever truly regret this decision. You're right, you were defrauded. And if someday you think you want to be with him again, you can start a new relationship on solid footing, with ALL of the knowledge. If not, then you would have ended up getting a divorce anyway, and you've saved yourself time, money, and maybe even a bit of heartache by doing it this way.
*latest* dday: January 26
Me: BS, 29
Him: f(?)WH, 30
R? I think...
If my WH hadn't been such a DIFFERENT person when I married him, before the acting out began, I doubt very much if I would have stayed with him. The memory of the "old" WH is the only thing that kept me trying. You don't seem to have that...
You are a young woman with amazing talents, and an incredible future. You also have retained unbelievable loyalty to your marriage and your WS. No one would blame you if you took this step, and you shouldn't blame yourself. (which I suspect may be the biggest stumbling block)
If you look at the first page of this forum there are many resources posted by another member. Read up on SA. It may help.
SA is a complicated addiction. It manifests in many ways. But it always escalates. The only way to be sure is through an evaluation with a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist.
Hugs to you. Keep posting, there are many helpful and loving people here...
you shouldn't blame yourself. (which I suspect may be the biggest stumbling block)
Everything seems to fall on the annulment side of the chart: logic, wisdom of experienced SA spouses, advice of my pastor...
What is really holding me back is myself: I don't know if I can make that big of a decision that soon. I feel...not right...about giving it the time I promised myself (1 year), at least while he is actively working toward his own recovery.
I wish there was not a time limit on this. That is really what is stumbling me...
Ironically, I have gotten what I wished for...a chance for the marriage to "never have happened," to be recognized for the "sham" it was. And yet, now the opportunity presents itself, and I am dragging my feet...is it really what I wanted? Do I have any idea what I want? Am I still just an emotional mess - a recovering brain that shouldn't be trusted with large decisions?
I think I am still very much on the rollercoaster...I may need more than 3 weeks to figure this all out.
But from the logical side...as best I can think logically...I agree with all of you. It is an opportunity to be considered as best I can...
I guess I'll wait and see where I am in 3 weeks...
Thank you for your honesty.
Finally after begging him to be honest with me and own up to it, he said, well, we are separated. WTF!!!! Everyday, he claims to miss and love me.
He blatantly refused to own up to it. He hung up on me several times. FUCKING COWARD!!!! FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT COWARD! Please help me through this. I truly want to die!!!!
DONE. Done. Done. He is a filthy, sick pervert!!! There is no hope for us. I need to see a lawyer ASAP. I am sick and devastated. I AM DONE with this fucking, sick SA bastard! Help me!!!
Okay. Breathe. You put it well. Sick. Think about that.
Who gets off on pictures like that? Or sending them?
He is NOT the man you married. He is an SA that has escalated to the point that he cannot even remember what lies he has or hasn't told. And he has run away from home, thinking he can run away from his responsibilities and his ownership of his actions.
You didn't cause this, can't control it, can't cure it.
And you can't live with this.
See an attorney. Detach. Practice SELF CARE. YOU are the only one you can help right now...
Please call me or PM me or whatever you need...I get home from work at 4 tomorrow, I'm here now if you need me...really.
I am sorry you found what you did, and that H then tried to lie to you about it - that always makes it even more painful. I'm glad you stayed strong and did not let him gaslight you.
Whether he's been formally diagnosed or not, every sign points toward H being an addict. And as an addict, it is IMPOSSIBLE for him to recover by himself without help. And he may never get help until he hits "rock bottom," *if* he hits bottom. You deserve so much more than to be in a relationship with someone who is actively in addiction.
Your inner senses are right. Trust them. Continue to be strong and to demand truth.
Praying for peace for you tonight.
Love, love and more love!!!
Again, we are living parallel lives. We should compare penis pictures sometime. The penis pictures were what helped me realize I was truly done with this marriage. Honestly I was done before, but I was unable to admit it to myself, unable to break through the guilt. Finding those pictures quite literally opened the door fully & I walked through.
(((((MORE HUGS FOR YOU))))))
I hope you're in bed. Tomorrow, please just remember to breathe. A therapist taught me to stop everything and say, "Right now, right at this very minute. . . I am safe in a heated home and my children are with me." I did this hundreds of times a day - changing it each time. It calmed my panic attacks and put things into perspective.
And please remember: YOU CAN DO THIS. As another therapist told me, "On the surface, your life looked great (haha), but underneath, you were living with incredible stress and hardship, and you were managing it all to the best of your ability. Not that you're free of him, you're going to take the skills and strengths that you've been forced to develop - and you're going to use them to survive and thrive."
And you will be the same way. ((((GHOST))))
I'm so so sorry! What an awful experience. I was so traumatized by what I saw of SAWH's online 'activities'. It was horrible. I was numb and despairing for days. scardeyKat is right to remind you about self care & the three C's (cause, control, cure).
The only thing I can think of is to ask you to go completely NC with him. Down in S&D and in the NPD thread posters remind each other of this:
No Contact = No New Hurts
We're here for you, Ghost. Please check in today and let us know how you're doing.
"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow
"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."
Now that I am home, I am letting it all wash over me. The lies. The betrayals. The acting out. The sickening photo. My instinct to throw him out was the correct one.
He has already tried twice to contact me. Once by phone...which I immediately hung up, and once by email apologizing to me. I will NOT respond to him. I am going hardcore NC.
I have no idea how I will go forward after a 40 year relationship with him, but I have to. I do not know who this man is -- he is a complete and frightening stranger to me.
It is soul shattering, as all of you know firsthand. Thanks again, dear ones, for your support. I suspect I will need you even more in the coming days...
Blessings and peace to all...
[This message edited by Ghostwalker at 1:05 PM, February 24th (Friday)]