And it is probably only within the last two years that I would say things are really good again. After the second D-day, my husband went into a lot of very intensive therapy, at his choosing. Therapy in a way that had not occurred the first time. The first D-day we were reactive and bandaid mode - can we/should we save this marriage? By the time we got done with that, I think we were both too emotionally exhausted to do anything else. And that worked..... for a while. Until the old personal issues came up again, and it led to the second incident.
Anyway - I can't sugar coat this.... At ten years, I can still get sad, although very, very rarely. I don't really trigger like I used to, although I went through EMDR therapy to help with that. We can talk about it, refer to it, acknowledge that it happened without crying. But we don't, because we don't need to. We know it happened, and we know that it was a terrible thing.
But..... notice the "we" - We are definitely a "we"
We talk. We're not afraid to get our therapist involved at the slightest hint of something. He still sees her somewhat regularly (which is a good thing!) even though she has "graduated" him. It makes him feel better. We look at our friends and can see where they have weaknesses in their boundaries or in their marriages, and we, as a couple, decide whether to include them in our friend circle, or decide if it is not worth it. We try to keep our circle positive with people working on positive marriages.
But we are most definitely a team. And I think in comparison to a lot of people, we have a pretty good marriage, despite everything we have been through.
For those of you in the six month highs or the two year lows or someplace in between.... It can work, and it can be better than where the relationship is going. It is not easy, on either side and (I can't stress this enough) it takes A LOT OF TIME. I am not one for "forgiveness" on this item - but I am one for acceptance. I can't change what happened, and I can only control how I deal with it. Being angry all the time hurts me, not him. Being sad all the time hurts me, not him.
It is only now, after almost 10 years that I felt comfortable writing this. I'm pretty sure my H would be happy to see it, although I really doubt he comes back here anymore. I know I'm happy to write it.
...and on our 42nd anniversary, we exchanged cards, and enjoyed lunch at our favourite restaurant the next day. This is us back in February at our favourite beach restaurant in Negril, our annual winter two week getaway.
.....and last night I booked our return trip next February.
[This message edited by looking forward at 11:26 PM, July 25th (Friday)]
I read this and it resonated with me. I am 20 months out from DD and got the truth all at once through his own confession. The days where it completely hijacks me and steals my days are getting fewer and fewer. I, too, have days where doubt and indecision about whether I'm doing the right thing seem to grip me but there are many days where I can see a light at the end of this terribly dark tunnel.
Hang in there everyone. Your stories inspire me and I hope to be in complete R someday and be a light for you all reading here.
Keep the inspiring stories coming!!
Hang in there folks. Hearts can change. Love and trust can be restored. Like the mythological phoenix, your marriage can emerge from the ashes refreshed and recharged!!
*Please do not solicit your products/blogs.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:44 PM, August 26th (Tuesday)]
I chose "Looking4myHeart" as a username, because I can honestly say that it felt like my heart was ripped out 2 years ago and I have been walking around like the TinMan aimlessly looking for it.
I won't go into a long-winded account of how our marriage self-destructed two years ago, but to keep it simple, my husband had a covert texting/flirting EA with a waitress at a place he frequently visited on the lunch hour. She pursued him with a vengeance, even after I found the texting evidence and the whole EA came to light.
Then 6 months ago, she stalked me and our daughters on Facebook and a whole lot of other clues came out, including a picture with my husband kissing her on the forehead, and the PA was revealed shortly after. Needless to say, the ugly truth all came out, and like MANY stories I've read here, when the affair is finally scrutinized in the light of day, and the guilt kicks in, the affair isn't all that 'grand' anymore. He ended it…not without some big fireworks when the OW made a huge scene in front of two of our kids, sadly.
Lots of hard, tearful conversations later, my husband and I are working on this and making significant progress. He has been so loving and caring these last couple of months. We are still separated (after him leaving in Oct 2013), but we see each other every day for the sake of our four kids. I will say he has been Wonder Dad since everything happened. He is trying so hard to make up for lost time. He tells me every single night before he leaves that he loves me, and his hugs are so very tender and genuine now. (For years I got an eye-roll and an obligatory hug…so his REAL hugs mean the world to me now.)
I have done sooooo much self-reflection in the last six months, read about a dozen books, went to counseling both with a marriage counselor and my pastor, went to doctor and in humiliating fashion requested STD testing and anti-depressants. Gotta admit, taking care of ME FIRST was extremely good advice. I've now lost 36 pounds and am finally back in the same fitness/weight range as my college years.
I know with faith and patience and lots of TLC and forgiveness, we will eventually have a healthy marriage again. I love my husband beyond words - never did stop or question loving him even at our lowest. It's been the most difficult tragedy we've ever faced (and believe me, we've had several other traumas/deaths that were NOT as hard as this betrayal) but I know with God's help and guidance, we are definitely going to survive.
THANK YOU so much, SI, for being here for all of us betrayed spouses. This website has given me an emotional boost - crucial to my maintaining some kind of optimism. God bless all you other ladies and gentlemen out there who are struggling - DON'T GIVE UP!
Continued peace and growth and grace to all of you.
It has been a long but fruitful journey with lots of hurts but also lots of joy along the way.
Our relationship is the best its ever been and I personally have grown so much during this time that I can't even begin to describe.
We as a couple are blessed by God, our friends, family, and an incredibly caring group of counselors. I am blessed by the most wonderful woman in the world - my wife - to whom I am completely committed to in all ways for the rest of our lives.
I posted this in the Reconciliation general are first, but just realized, it really belongs here.
I was ready....ready for the emotional roller coaster to start up again, ready for the sobbing and the crushing pain, ready for the DDay anniversary devastation I have read SO much about on here. The whole week prior to DDay is really a mine field of mini anniversaries of "DDay precursors" and I was dreading it. I had talked about it with H numerous times, and in MC.
I had some trouble over the summer a few times(affair was late June until DDay Sep 20th)thinking about what was going on last year at that time. We have been working hard at R and I believe we are doing well. I haven't found one thing in the last year to make me think he isn't 100% in it, and he does everything he can to make me feel better.
SO I was really getting nervous, thinking about the date coming up. Weeks ago I started getting anxious. I began telling myself that rather than think about it as a reminder of what happened, I was going to try to use it as a "It's now been a YEAR, on WHOLE YEAR, every day on the calendar, since he was betraying me. After Sep 20th, I could say to myself "THIS time last year, the A was over. Then every day for the rest of time, I can look back and say "this day last year"...and there will be nothing to do with affair.
My H bday is the 17th and we were going to do something that weekend (20th, DDay). He suggested that instead we go visit our daughter at college. She is our youngest, and a freshman out of state. We were missing her, and so we went to visit for the weekend. I worried at first because I though I might be a total mess, and didn't want her to see anything. Then I thought that the 5 hour drive might be a good time for H and I to TALK. (The word "talk" now has 2 meanings at our house. The normal one, and the "you know what I want to talk about talk")
H admitted later that he planned the trip thinking that having something positive to distract me on this day would help, and I guess it did. I didn't even think about it being DDay until I had gotten up, gotten ready, and we were 30 minutes down the road. That probably wouldn't sound like any big deal to someone who has never gone through this, but to me that is monumental. I remember months of wondering if I would ever again be able to wake up and NOT think of the A before I even opened my eyes.
I though about "talking" on the way, but decided I really didn't feel the need so much, and I'd rather not get all upset before I saw my daughter. I did bring it up shortly before we got there, and we talked for about 15 minutes, but nothing major. I just didn't have the desire to delve into it.
So no tears, no sobs, no devastation. A sadness, and a desire to have the day be over. I think part of me felt like I was SUPPOSED to feel awful, and cry and fall apart. That seems to be what usually happens. But I didn't. The day passed. We had a really nice weekend with our daughter. It was non-eventful.
THIS TIME LAST YEAR - THE AFFAIR WAS OVER BUT I WAS A MESS. TODAY, I'M NOT HEALED BUT I'M A HELL OF A LOT BETTER!!
You said you did EMDR, I am too doing that. I have extreme obsessive thoughts/visuals that just consume my every thought. Did you find it worked for you? I'm on session 7 and i don't find any difference yet. Of course I was hoping for a miracle but there isn't one. I'm constant anxiety medication to keep my calmer cuz these episodes hit so often.
Your story encourages me, I'm only 3 months out & I just feel like I struggle so much. We have good moments but always with anxiety. Some days are still horrible, crying, yelling, telling her I want her to leave. It's awful. I just want to be over the rollercoaster & hurt. I've read 4 books, seeing 2 counselors, taking anti-depressants & anti-anxiety meds, I don't know what else to do. I know i love her but have so much anger & hurt.
Facing the most pain I've ever endured but will persevere no matter where that takes me.
Good to read your post. Like you were, I am approaching DDay next week. Thinking it may be a rough week ahead, but hoping for the best. Our R is going well but I still have my really rough patches. fWH is doing everything in his power to make it up to me, but thoughts and images of 2.5 yr A still kicks me in the gut at times. I hope I can write a post like you - that things went OK, no major breakdowns. I am so willing to let go of the past but I just can't seem to forget. No IC, just reading a lot on the internet and focusing on the good. We have worked on our M and things are going really well. Better than in a long, long time. Like you, I want to get past the thought of, "last year at this time he was....". I hope that this is the case. Fingers crossed....
4 weeks since DD
Please KeepPosting these positive stories , I really need them !
[This message edited by intheblinkofaney at 11:22 AM, November 7th (Friday)]
I am so much happier and more at peace since our separation. I hope for whatever is right and best for healing for everyone.
WW and I were talking in bed last night, no sex, but lots of touching and hand holding. Uncharacteristically, she turned to me and told me she is fully aware of how lucky she and her daughter are to have me and how much she is thankful we are in R.
Her AP was a man from her past that has always known which buttons to push to get her loaded and in the sack, but he is gone for good, married to another idiot up north. Now she just has to do the hard work of changing her demeanor and behavior in public. Before the A, I thought nothing of how popular she was, how well-like by both genders, and her long term friendships with both. In light of the A, she can no longer behave like that, and it's hard (we're both heavily tattooed and stared at a lot) for her to lose that "Scarlett and her Suitors" feeling when we are out. Before the A I thought it was cute and funny, since she was going home with me. Now, of course, she can never behave like that again. And she's trying to be more stand offish and cling to her man in public. Her friends have commented on it.
I'll call that a win.
I felt and feel very grateful for that. It's not easy for him, either, and when he stays in control and expresses his remorse to thoroughly, I feel so much more hope for us.
I love you Jrazz.
[This message edited by CRazz at 11:17 PM, December 17th (Wednesday)]