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User Topic: Positive Reconciliation Stories
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to jump on and share my happy :)
We are almost at six months and doing so well.

It has been a very long and very difficult nightmare of a journey- but we are both working on putting each other first and speaking honestly everyday.
We smile more, we laugh more, we are accomplishing so much in our lives- together.
We are still fresh into this, but so far I am extremely hopeful and so excited at all of the positive changes I have seen in both of us.
It has been almost a month since I've had a "breakdown" (used to count the time between by hours or days).
We still talk about it, I still cry some, and not a day goes by that I don't think about it often- but we are stronger now- and he is showing me everyday that he is in this with me.

I look forward to my next update- may be a few months. I feel confident in our new journey.
As always, cautiously optimistic, but very much enjoying our happiness right now.

I wish everyone peace and happiness.

Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 470 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all,
My W's downward spiral began with a blow to her perceived value. It was a lay off at work. This was such a tremendous blow to her sense of self it started the walk toward Depression and her self-destructive thought processes, ending in the affair. Well this week, lay offs at work. Here comes the AXE, plus Grandmother in hospice making the slow walk to her demise.
Worried, you bet.
But not about family finances, or impact of layoff. But rather HER..
How do I know she is different, more capable?
She called to tell me she was terminated, could I watch our DS Thursday because she scheduled a emergency apt with IC. And she moved TOWARD me. Tears, frustrations, worries, hugs, kisses. She is different, She is more capable, She is protecting us , Herself, and focused on what's important. Our family.
Blessed to be in a different marriage with an authentic W.

D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1795 | Registered: Nov 2010
♀ Member
Member # 37523
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to share at five years out that I am so blessed to be five years out (and with TWO remorseful partners) that it can be done: "New love is the brightest, and long love is the greatest, but revived love is the tenderest thing known on earth" - Thomas Hardy

If you have both partners 100% committed, it can work. But only then. Never settle for less.

Us: 50ish, madhatters, married 20 odd yrs
TT: May 2009 'til June
DDay for both: June 17, 2009
Me: 2x, same person, 1991
Him: 1.5 year PA (EA?) 2007-2009

Honey Badger don't care. - Randall

Posts: 384 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Flyover chic
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Shocked  Posted: 2:59 AM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

4 years of counseling came to a close just a few days ago.

We finally are comfortable (well, probably not completely comfortable but it is "doable") working on issues that arise together and my wife can do so without losing control emotionally.

This has been the hardest thing I have ever done, and I honestly don't think I could do it again.

But, my wife is "present" in our marriage in a way that she never was for many years, and truly is able to be more support than ever before.

The funny thing is, when the affair happened we were financially in a good place, we were finally getting established securely in our home, which was quite nice, although it was small, after 3 years. Things were "falling into place" after a lot of hard work, we were getting settled. I had time off from work, only worked 4 days a week, we had plenty of cash on hand and our credit cards were all payed off monthly. True, our kids were young and there were a lot of sleepless nights though. But the real secret was what I didn't know, what was hidden.

My wife was depressed, suicidal at times, and paranoid that I was going to leave her and the kids (all in secret of course). She was drinking in secret and smoking marijuana all in an effort to control her anxiety as her mental state spun out of control, which continued and led to the affair. She was embarrassed about sex and felt dirty every time we had sex, or at least the day after.

Now, we are much older, we are in financial turmoil and have been for years due to the real estate crisis and our not declaring bankruptcy when it hit, our home we live in is falling apart, literally (we have no kitchen floor other than the subfloor, the carpet is worn out with holes in it (probably 20 years old), we had to remove the flooring from three rooms because of a washing machine overflowing and cannot afford to replace them, the kitchen cabinets are literally falling apart, and simply cannot be fixed, we owe more on the home than it is worth, and we had a disastrous final quarter of 2013 in our business and we are now near bankruptcy, with our business and personal credit nearly maxed out...not quite but it is getting there. I'm working 5, 6, and even 7 days a week, sometimes up to 18 hours a day or more, in an effort to hold on until home prices recover so we don't lose all our property (which is our only retirement besides social security). Our kids are almost grown, two are adults and out of high school, one left home last year and moved back in when her relationship with her now ex-boyfriend ended, this was very hard on us both because he is extremely irresponsible, extreme might be putting it lightly.

But, my wife is not depressed...she is not suicidal...she is not paranoid that I am going to leave her...her anxiety is under control for the first time in ?forever?....she is not drinking in secret (in fact she quit altogether almost 4 years ago and hasn't had so much as a sip since)....she is not smoking marijuana in secret (or at all for that matter, having quite nearly 6 years ago even before our counseling started because she couldn't figure out what was happening to her), and she is here, really here, involved, not just "acting" or "faking" her involvement and zoning out when she gets the opportunity, and I can rely on her when things get tough, and she actually enjoys sex.

Wow, I guess that 20K in counseling was a good investment.

BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

10 years past the A and we truly celebrate each other and our love on Valentine's Day. We don't dwell in the painful memories or what happened. I am certainly mindful of how blessed I am that I can still call my H my Valentine and that he still considers me his. I came so close to throwing it all away out of my own pain and extreme selfishness. Through all of that, he stood beside me and believed in us. I do too. That's why on Valentine's Day 10 years later we look forward at how much good stuff is ahead. Blessings to you all tonight. R is possible... and all the work was worth it.

You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."

Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
♀ Member
Member # 34023
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been a long time since I posted here, but I wanted to share because I remember how much these stories gave me hope. It has been almost 2 1/2 years since Dday. We're still together, happier than before the A. It's not perfect, but I don't know of anything in the world that is. I rarely think of the pain anymore, and when I do it is with a detachment. It is truly something of the past. I thought that dark cloud would hang over us forever, but it really seems to be gone except on rare occasions. So have hope! Two people who want to get through this can do it, and you will be happy againno mmatter what!

BS - Me, 34
WS - Husband, 41
Married 5 years, together an eternity.
DDay - 9/13/11

"Well I've been had, yeah I guess that's how it looks. And it's not funny like on TV, and it's not smart like it is in books."

Posts: 1649 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Ohio
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, March 17th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We just passed the year mark, and I finally decided on R. Little did I know that this is when the real work and healing takes place!

We know we can no longer hide our feelings. We both got so used to that over the years. More and more I see just how much I sacrificed by never speaking up about anything. I'd go along with anything to make life easier. But in the long run, all it causes is pain for both of us.

So we're trying radical honesty and trying to make all important decisions together. It feels a little exhausting, and hopefully it will get easier as we practice. I have to constantly check with myself to see if I'm really feeling this or if I'm hiding again.

I also feel closer to H than I ever have. I'm willing to go through the pain of inner growth for the feeling of not being completely alone in life. It's such a radically different marriage experience for us both.

After DDay, I kept wondering what healing wold look like. I couldn't imagine it. But now I can see it and it's amazing. I feel like I'm rediscovering who I am.

SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 444 | Registered: Mar 2013
Ole Restart
♀ Member
Member # 3434
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, March 30th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! It's been a long time, since I was on here! Just thought that I'd 'play catch-up' for a minute.

My hubby has dementia and doesn't remember his A. at all, but that's okay in his case. I love him, unconditionally, and am grateful that I have him in my life!

We'll be celebrating 20 yrs. of "wedded bliss" on 1 June, 2014. Mind you, we'll go out to eat, and it will be just fine. He's not able to walk much at all; so, we use a wheel-chair access form of transportation which is costly ($100 RT). We need to get out of the house for something besides doctor's app'ts. and the ilk. On a fairly regular basis, we meet an older couple whom we've known for these past 20 years (hubby knew them long before I did). I try to help him by drawing his friends near him as often as possible.

The only down-side for him and me is that I just don't have any sexual feelings/desires one way or the other. I DO love my hubby more than "anybody in the whole world" as I tell him repeatedly. He tells me that he loves me about (what seems like) 50x a day! Yeah, that does get annoying, but he can't help it. I suppose that I just need to realize that I should enjoy hearing the words, ILY, because one day I won't be able to hear his voice say them; then, I'll wish that I hadn't said anything about the repetition!

Now, you know what our life is like these days. I love him (FWH) and am grateful for our togetherness. That's IT! I have providers who help me to take care of him; so that I may get out and relax/unwind/run errands every day of the week for 8 hrs.

Cheers, and know that the marriage can be made strong, again. It's up to the parties involved as to whether or not it gets reconciled. I couldn't imagine my life without Hubby. Here we are, about 11 years from d-day, and I'm happy!
ole restart

[This message edited by Ole Restart at 1:23 AM, March 30th (Sunday)]

Me: FBW, 63; He: FWH, 86.
Married: June 1, 1994.
Dday: 18 March, 2003.

Posts: 12896 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: Texas
♀ New Member
Member # 19256
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't been here is a long time but I wanted to come back and share our story in hopes it may inspire others.

Today is our 6 year anniversary of D-day. I still get a sick feeling in my stomach when I think of that day. I remember so clearly how I told my husband that I was unfaithful. We had a really rough time moving forward but we were committed to each other and our marriage so we worked hard at recovery. We went to counseling and had faith-based help too. Those beginning days were especially hard as we both owned our parts in our broken relationship. Triggers were still touchy for a few years. It wasn't easy but it was so worth it. Today I actually had to remind my dear husband the significance of the day. Time does help to lessen the pain.

We celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary in January. We now understand how much a good marriage is truly worth because we had to fight for it and work for it. We are much stronger now than before the affair.

Best wishes for all of you on your path to healing, in whatever form that takes.

Me: WW, 44
BH, 48
DDay: 4-15-08

Posts: 40 | Registered: Apr 2008
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