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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 28
Faithfulmelissa
♀ New Member
Member # 35158
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, April 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone out there who's h hasn't ended the affair and you are still trying to work it out? My H has moved out and initially said he wanted to D then he said he wanted it to be a seperation and then I found out he had been back w/ ow for a year when I thought we were working things out. When I found out he went back to wanting D saying he didn't love me anymore and lover her and wanted a life with her. 2 weeks later he asked if I thought I would ever be able to forgive him and work on us if he gave her up?. So for past two weeks he has been spending time with my son and I trying to reconnect yet he hasn't given her up. Just giving us false hope. BTW he has been with her a total of 8 years. We have 3 ddays over course of 13 years. My story is in my profile if interested. Could use some advice. I know the main thinking is 180 but when he is with me he seems to want to be with me but then he talks to her and he wants her. I know I shouldn't want to work this out but if I want it what should I do?


Me=BS 44
Him=WS 46
1 DS 12yrs. old
Married 20 yrs together 22
D-Day 1 06/2000
D-Day 2 09/2010 False R
D-Day 3 03/2012 All same OW
Seperated & Divorcing

Posts: 16 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Alabama
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, April 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi faithful-
I am so sorry to read your story. It's obvious that you are a kind, loving woman and want to save your marriage and family but.....
as long as your husband is till with the OW then you cannot reconcile.
There cannot be 3 people in a marriage.
IMHO the only way that marriages can reconcile after a LTA (long term affair) is if the WS is extremely remorseful and is willing to work really really hard to try to make amends.
A LTA but actually any type of infidelity is extremely damaging to the betrayed spouse- one author wrote that it is 'soul murder'.
The damage done to the BS is huge.
So...it takes huge efforts on the part of the WS to make things right again.

Unfortunately it doesn't sound like your WH is there yet.He doesn't sound remorseful or like he is willing to do everything in his power to save the marriage.

James Dobson wrote a book : Love Must Be Tough. He is a Christian author and definitely believes in marriage but here he writes about situations like yours. Where the WH thinks he is 'in luv' with the OW and wants out of the marriage.
Dobson advises that the BS take a 180 approach. That you do not beg or plead for him to come back to you.
That more you plead the weaker you appear to the WS and the more he wants to rebel and get away.
If you can get the book (maybe even in the library because it is an older book) it may be helpful.
Are you in counseling for yourself?


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, April 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

‎"Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love?" ~ Leo Buscaglia
Even tho you may not understand the pain in your life, thank it & allow it to push you in a better direction- to hope & love. Pain makes us pay attention, feel what we DON'T want in our lives, and gives us the opportunity to leave it for something happier & healthier. If you stay with your pain, you hurt & isolate yourself. If you appreciate your pain, learn from it, and bless it as you let it go, you open up your heart for wisdom, hope & love to thrive. Take the hope & love path, (girl)friends, to the life you'll cherish.

Some words that touched me today. I have admired Leo B.'s writing for years. Think I'll try to find the set of tapes we got during our Marriage Encounter experience - need encouragement and a push out of the depths.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, April 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

faithfulmellissa,

My H has moved out and initially said he wanted to D then he said he wanted it to be a seperation and then I found out he had been back w/ ow for a year <snip> When I found out he went back to wanting D saying he didn't love me anymore <snip> 2 weeks later he asked if I thought I would ever be able to forgive him <snip> trying to reconnect yet he hasn't given her up.

I know I shouldn't want to work this out but if I want it what should I do?

First, you alone cannot work this out. It takes 2 to R. Your WS has to want the M as much or more than you do to be in a position where you can both work on working it out.

Before the two of you can work on your M, your WS has to want it, go NC, and work on figuring out what is wrong with him that he has sustained an 8 year A rather than D you or drop her.

So what should you do? Work on the things you can control, you and your relationship with your DS. You have been waiting for your WH for years now. Where do you want to be in 2 years? How about next Christmas? Still waiting for him or started on a new life as painful as that may be? If you would like a new life, what can you do to prepare yourself for that? What are some steps you can take next week?

...but when he is with me he seems to want to be with me...

FWW has to want to be with me even when we are not together. I did not accept her "love the one you're with" attitutde.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, April 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Checking in. It has been weeks since I have posted. Very busy at work and home. I do listen to all the LTA posts on my way to from work. Yes, listen. Use iPhone feacture. Not as good as reading but helps me keep up.

loustsoul.. very powerful!

If you appreciate your pain, learn from it, and bless it as you let it go, you open up your heart for wisdom, hope & love to thrive

Good and Evil. Loyalty and Betrayal. Courage and Fear. Deceit, Lies, Treachery. Faith. Acceptance. Redemption. These thems are present in the last Harry Potter book (uh yes HP) and it stirred insights about how I can deal with the A and R.

Nell.. best wishes for a bright future.
M3.. congratulations.
WYE.. sorry for your struggles. Our DDays were close and it gives me a good reference point in my own recovery.
Tryin.. appreciated your post on "temptation" and heartened by the overwhelming response that men and women can resist the temptation. Character is what you do when no one is watching. I know many people with character (and it hurts that my WW is not one of them )

h&c update. Things are going well between WW and I. Affectionate, attentive, thoughtful, and doing the work on herself. Though something is missing. The signs are visible but the reasons are elusive (lack of sexuality, sharing thoughts / feelings openly, hesitancy to fully accept choice to have and contine A). I belive the acceptance of the latter by WW is key to a healthy, enjoyable, and thriving marriage. It still seems like "I trid by could not control it", "no one can resist the temptation", "I was manipulated" and disregard of her post DDay reactions "of course I was defiant when you threw the A in my face" being as hurtful as the A.

Series of notable anniversaries related to her A are in progress and she has been thoughtful to raise the topic and ensure I am comfortable.

Best wishes to all.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
Faithfulmelissa
♀ New Member
Member # 35158
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, April 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by Faithfulmelissa at 12:05 PM, April 5th (Thursday)]


Me=BS 44
Him=WS 46
1 DS 12yrs. old
Married 20 yrs together 22
D-Day 1 06/2000
D-Day 2 09/2010 False R
D-Day 3 03/2012 All same OW
Seperated & Divorcing

Posts: 16 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Alabama
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, April 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Flipping out a bit in real life (it's good, all good) so am hiding here for a moment. But my mind is racing in about 14 different directions. So...

((((lostsuol))))

melissa,
180. Live it. It will be the best thing you can possibly do for you!

h&c,
The dork in me needs to know what voice you're hearing when you listen to "the tribe"? Also, thanks!

I'm leaving in a few minutes to sign the quit-claim deed... then I can look for my new home!


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, April 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The oft' quoted 2-5 years used to intimidate me. Now I am hoping we are on the 5-year plan. Things with FWW and I are pretty good, much better than for most of our M. Just think if things continue to get better for another 2 years.

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, April 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats: You sound good! glad to read that things are going well for you.

Faithful... Sorry that you are dealing with what seems to be an ongoing LTA with a cake eater WH. The situation is a difficult one that I think NJ & Ats have addressed quite well. I agree 180, 180, 180! You will be better for it.

Nell... how is your niece & sister? Hope your new home search goes well... that you find a suitable one quickly.

Hugs to all...


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, April 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Faithfulmelissa... I have come to know that life is just too short to be around a person who does not know how to love.

Do not let your spouses infidelity be an

excuse
for ruining the present and the future.

My advice? You work on yourself.
Why do I allow someone to keep me in limbo?
Why am I afraid leaving someone who is abusing me? Walk all over me?
Why do I stay with a man cannot make a choice?
What can I do to be independent?
Why do I need a man for my own happiness?
Why do I need a marriage for my own happiness or unhappiness?
What is it about myself that allows a man to treat me this way?
Where did my courage go?
What is it about me where I am unable to forgive?
What is it about me that I refuse to trust?
What is it about myself that I am unable to be more direct to a man?
Why cannot I communicate in such a way to my man, not to turn him off?
How can I achieve attitude of joy and happiness?
What are good values? How can I honor those good values?
Why do I compare myself to others?
What is it within myself where, when, did I stop improving myself?

I read your profile. “we went to mc but the focus was always on me and my problems with sex.”
Did your MC tell you what they see as your problems? Did they point out that you are married to a man who does not know how to fill your needs to the point that YOU want to make love to him? Who wants to make love to a man who cannot make you feel safe? Committed!

Most men get validation when a woman has sex with them. When a woman has sex with the man, You just told them, I love you, You are king, You are the one I want to be with. We men manipulate, we get angry, trade… for a woman to have sex with us. Only a man wanting, willing, able, to give his woman what she need from a loving standpoint will you then want to make love to them. Faith, You just don’t have those feelings, do you? Just keep giving him service sex = continued misery. Unfortunately, your H doesn’t get it nor will he ever unless he decides to read books, study, change, etc… How can he get back to the point when you guys first met?

Faith, Not a single woman in this world deserves to be unhappy. GO get it!

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:41 AM, April 6th (Friday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, April 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

atsenaotie

A few of your post guided me to new place in my mind. I thank you.

Peace all...


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, April 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

faithful melissa-
hope you're ok
I sent you a private message.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, April 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what voice you're hearing when you listen to "the tribe"?

A lovely (woman's)voice of course. Full of wisdom, sharing insights, and striving to better their lives and those around them. The very essence of the tribe.

Of course I also get all the stats which I would ignore if reading (member #, no of posts, date of posts)

tryin.. good list of questions.

Wishing all the best for this holiday weekend

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
Ellejay
♀ Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, April 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even tho you may not understand the pain in your life, thank it & allow it to push you in a better direction- to hope & love. Pain makes us pay attention, feel what we DON'T want in our lives, and gives us the opportunity to leave it for something happier & healthier. If you stay with your pain, you hurt & isolate yourself. If you appreciate your pain, learn from it, and bless it as you let it go, you open up your heart for wisdom, hope & love to thrive. Take the hope & love path, (girl)friends, to the life you'll cherish.

Lostsuol - if you wrote that I am deeply impressed. WOW is all I have to say. This is my new mantra. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

(((Faithful))) - He is not even close to being ready for you to seriously consider R with this man. He is using you both. How nice for him to have still have the option. Help him to make up his mind and do the 180 in order to save your soul at least.

Hugs to all the Tribe. Nothing particularly brilliant to add from EJ except that this time of brings me new hope and the faith in a new beginning.

Love to all


EJ xxxxx


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1073 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zipping through the posts. I’ve got to go to see my Mum who’s managed to gash her leg needing 15 stitches and gawd knows what else having pulled the garage door on herself. My sister had just left, so turned around and stayed until my younger SIL and niece went down, I’m off to take over tomorrow.

And. Jeez. fWH (aka fuckwit) said how he was going to miss me,how he worked so hard all week and I wasn’t going to be here when he got home and he might as well go to the rugby tomorrow, but he would be here for DS17 (oh, he remembered then) but …..would I be back for the weekend, oh yes he has the South Africans here on Friday so he couldn’t change that so he wouldn’t be home til Saturday…….. Ummmmmmm AND? YOUR FUCKING POINT IS……? Oh yes. Let me remember. YOU, you fucking fuckwit fucktard twat, YOU who would ARRANGE to be away from me, YOU who couldn’t give a fuck about being here because YOU were immersed in whatever YOU wanted to do – the MOW, the golf, the work, the whatever, oh, and the MOW – post d-day suddenly want to spend every fucking second with me. AND keep tabs on me by saying YOU will take me to my Mum’s when you weren’t the slightest bit bothered before because that meant you could sneak off and see your gf and leave the boys to take care of themselves. Yeh. Right. Claustrophobic? Just a bit. I AM taking my car and YOU can fuck off. Rant over. >sigh<

Faithfulmelissa, if you are lurking, I have to agree that the only way to reconciliation is for the A to be over. Done and finished. I read it as your WH cake eating. Are you prepared to accept this? Are you prepared to share? If so, then you have to come to an agreement with your WH and have things out in the open. If not……. then you have to draw a line somewhere. Where would that be? For your own peace of mind, you have to come to a decision.

H&C, sounds like things are going pretty well. I think fogginess can continue, it’s a way for the WS to lessen the damage to themselves. This delusion is thin and I think they “know” they are reaching for excuses rather than reasons. fWH tried to portray himself as part victim, but y’know, it all comes down to choice in the end. They said yes instead of no. Maybe she’ll get there.

LS, thanks for the insight. I’m taking that one.
Hugs hon, (((((Lostsuol))))

So. I’ll be seeing to Mum who is really sorry to put us all through this. Guess I take after her. Is that a good thing – or not? No internet (yikes!), so catch up when I get back. Checking out…..

(((((Tribe)))))

[This message edited by UKgirl at 5:30 PM, April 8th (Sunday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, April 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK...

And. Jeez. fWH (aka fuckwit) said how he was going to miss me,how he worked so hard all week and I wasn’t going to be here when he got home and he might as well go to the rugby tomorrow, but he would be here for DS17 (oh, he remembered then) but …..would I be back for the weekend, oh yes he has the South Africans here on Friday so he couldn’t change that so he wouldn’t be home til Saturday…….. Ummmmmmm AND? YOUR FUCKING POINT IS……? Oh yes. Let me remember. YOU, you fucking fuckwit fucktard twat, YOU who would ARRANGE to be away from me, YOU who couldn’t give a fuck about being here because YOU were immersed in whatever YOU wanted to do – the MOW, the golf, the work, the whatever, oh, and the MOW – post d-day suddenly want to spend every fucking second with me. AND keep tabs on me by saying YOU will take me to my Mum’s when you weren’t the slightest bit bothered before because that meant you could sneak off and see your gf and leave the boys to take care of themselves. Yeh. Right. Claustrophobic? Just a bit. I AM taking my car and YOU can fuck off. Rant over. >sigh<

I know you come here to vent OK by me. Hard for me to tell because I don't really know you other than just by your post, I know you can feel a whole lot better but takes some courage.

First, I know you have been unable and don’t want to forgive while your H is around you. His actions seem to set you off. You never tell us what good he does you. You don’t have sex with him. All that stuff adds up to misery.

I know you want to be happy, at peace. I know your H wants the same thing. I hope my message can Encourage you to seek change becasue I want you to be at peace. You still have some hurts and that is ok. But I beleive you can make the hurt far less an I dearly what that to be the case for you because I do care about you.

Why are you married anyway? What value in your life does your H bring to you?

You know all this stuff.. but some to find peace in it is not so easy. Maybe you focus on yourself for some time so you can have some peace?
- Accept that there's nothing you can do to change the past. (this miight mean forgiving your H. Start a new life with him based on today)
- Be aware of your thoughts. (This means Control your thoughts)
- Make new connections with people.(Getting out meeting new men perhaps)
- Explore a new world. (Maybe you need to end your marriage)
- Volunteer your time.
- Seek balance in your conversations. (somehow shift who you communicate to about your H past failures)
- Trust the nature of time. (trust that when you make a few changes time will heal)


We all know that allgood was brave and took a step toward finding a new relationship. She S and struggled awhile, but a good man came into her life. She ended up with strong feeling toward this man. Her thoughts and feeling for misery ended for many days. Her H finally may have realized that romantic love is just not near as important that all the family love. She made a hard choice to give her M one more chance. I honestly believe her story was a message from God to us.

Did you see the part I said about her again finding romantic love. Allgood has no tposted in awhile, I hope she shifted her romantic love from her BF back to her H. Not so easy to do. IMO UK, You must find that again in you M. You cannot have romantic love without forgiving your H for having a gf months and months ago. You cannot have romantic love without leaving him. It seems to me you might be in limbo.

You know my story. I’m doing extremely well in my M. It has come with me taking responsibility for:
- the man who could not see or know what a bad relationship right under his eyes.
- The man accepted that bad relationship as.. life.
- A man who stopped being romantic.
- A man who never affirmed his wife.
- A man placing too much importance on the value of sex as love
- a man placing too much value on a job.

I have working hard to give my wife the kind of man she needs. Romantic, masculine, leader, forgiving, kind, courageous, positive, affirming, control my emotions, playful, trusting, doing my own things, being good to others, Man with faith, thankful for what I have, unselfish, hard working, new things, interesting things, and as much good stuff as I can do. Yes, I have my moments, but I have been able to control myself. I gave myself a C but working on an A right now.

And this is me. I have taken care of the thing I control. My strength has come with me no longer accept being treated then the way I treat my wife.

UK, this method seems to be working for me. BUt I know I am a man and woman think way different. But when you attack this infidelity from a postion of love, I really don't see a way it can fail, man or woman.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:56 AM, April 9th (Monday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm done here for a little while. Just can't handle it right now. I may lurk....but I'm not posting.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE.. I am so sorry and wish you the best. When I post it has helped me coallesce my thoughts and emotions. Being away for awhile also helps me steady the emotions and improve my objectivity.

Best wishes and hope your "sabbatical" helps.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE,
Know that we are wishing you all the best.

Just checking in... for those of you who prayed for my sister and niece, thank you. Baby is still in NICU but is doing very well. She had a transfusion on Monday (scheduled and expected) and is slowly being taken off of leads, etc. I got to hold her for a solid 90 minutes last night and can testify to her beauty. The world is an amazing place and there is so much to be grateful for. I am feeling blessed right now. And loved. All is well in Nell's world, and I wanted you to know.

Nell out.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


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