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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 28
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, March 28th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope the baby birthing goes well!

Nell, it's surreal when you get divorced. Seems like there should be so much more fanfare. But, it is what it is. ((Nell)).


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, March 28th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

More news on the Nell front. Sister just had her baby; mom and baby are doing well.

Meanwhile, my emotions are all over the place now. Keep your distance from the rollercoaster, folks. Nell's tummy is a bit hinky.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, March 28th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Nell)))


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, March 28th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell-
I would imagine that your emotions would be all over the place...from relief...to anger...to sadness...and back again....
Sending you some long distance hugs!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, March 28th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell,
Wonderful news for your sister & family.

The next phase of your life journey is about to begin. I know it will bring you much happiness & fullfillment. Take care.

Deep


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, March 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nell. I’m so sorry. I know you have done your grieving, but it’s still a sad day when it really is over officially. You did everything you could and your XWH just stood in the wings. It’s all such a shame. But it’s evened by the lovely news of your sister. I hope the joy and happiness can be salve on your sadness. Life goes on, I guess. As DP says, it’s the next phase of your life. Embrace it when you are ready. Big hugs. (((((Nell)))))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, March 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn’, your post was hard to read. fWH has always done everything you described. It was part of what made him so attractive to me. Even when he was in the affair. I remember we had a big dust up over nothing. I told him I was going shopping (walking). He said he was coming with me. I retorted he didn’t want to be with me – he was coming anyway. He caught me up down the road and went to hold my hand. I snatched it away. He said “you WILL hold my hand, we ALWAYS hold hands” and grabbed it so tight I couldn’t release myself. We stopped in the middle of the road and he apologised and said “please hold hands with me”. Something had obviously gone off with MOW to make him angry over nothing and he took it out on me. There were several incidents along those lines.

Public displays of affection have always been okay by him. We’ve always held hands. We only have sofas, not armchairs, so we sit close up to each other. He would randomly kiss me when out for a walk. Hug me in public. Stand with his hand casually in my jeans back pocket as “ownership”. Cook with me. Told me I looked great when I got dressed up. Told me I was lovely when I did something special or remembered his mum’s birthday.

How can someone carry on in that way while having an affair? That’s what I don’t get. Mostly, that didn’t change. Maybe he just took it all for granted. Maybe he saw that was what MOW was missing from her BH – open signs of affection and that made him conscious to be attentive to my needs in that way. So that makes it so much more difficult when I try to see if there were other affairs or if he has been cheating or seeing someone since d-day. His frequent change of job would explain irritable or irrational periods of behaviour. I only feel safe by being removed, which doesn’t bode well for the long term. We had such a close relationship. He was brilliant in his duplicity, no doubt about it. The trust will never come back.

I watched a youtube on Why The World Needs Introverts ( that’s me……) and then another one on how to spot a liar. I jotted down the important points. Which goes to show I am still watching him a step or two back.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, March 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK...

How can someone carry on in that way while having an affair? OK, you want to know how a man thinks?? here goes...
First, what I described in my post is what it means to be attractive. When we first date someone, trying to woo them into having sex with us, we are nice, loving, caring, romantic, etc… because if we are not, we are rejected with no chance to have sex.

Fact is, you can be attractive and masculine to both your wife and AP. If he was not attractive in those ways, you would have never wanted to have sex with him. Affairs are about greed and selfishness, not values. Your H, yes was attractive and masculine in things you could see. But the things he hid from you, those thing you could not see, was not so masculine. Being masculine also includes… morality. Your H did not whine to you when you said no because his needs were being filled other places. Me, I whined, I complained, I took care of myself if you know what I mean. A whiney man is unattractive. Then throw on top a man who does not meet his wife's emotional needs with all the things I lost after my wife was... MINE... submit to me woman! Shit happens. People are weak. There is a different reason a man has an A vs a woman.

Also, Morality is something within ourselves. Sure, as we live our lives, act moral, people do take notice. That is a very attractive feature in a person. But let’s face it, morality can also be hidden.

Trust is a choice. Fact is, you are trusting him. You trust he provides a home for you right now. You trust he is not in another A or I’m sure you would be gone for your own morality. You trust him enough to have sex with him, because if you didn’t, he could bring on disease. I am sure I could think of a whole lot more if I wanted too. What you likely are talking about is feelings. You don’t have certain “safe” feelings.

Nell, congratulations! You are now prepared to start a relationship with a real man. Good luck in the search, I am sure it will be both fun with all the ups and downs as you journey. Peace.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:07 AM, March 29th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, March 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Terribly busy. Have buzzed in, read and that's about it.

For those Christians among us I am currently on retreat. Ignation spirituality. Today we began looking at the passion of Christ. The betrayal, rejection and suffering. Tough going.

Tomorrow we do the resurrection. Thank God!

Big day for me today. Told OW1's boss. (For those who don't know OW1 was screwing FWH while she worked in the nursing home where my aunt and my mum lived. The bitch would pretend interest in me the children and FWH to pump me for info. I thought she was just another friendly, caring member of staff. I didn't want to upset things after my mum died and dday because my aunt was still living there.) Anyway told the boss how OW1 used to pump me for info when I visited my mum while fucking FWH. I was very close to this boss lady and always felt I should tell her - the ethics of the sich etc apart from my desire for revenge. Anyway I told her the whole sordid story.

Surprise surprise!!! Her response "The arrogant bitch. Never got off her bum to help anyone, always made sure we knew she was so much better than the rest of us. Never liked her. She quit about 12 months ago and I haven't seen her since. Good riddance" :augh:

It wasn't until I left her that I realised 12 months ago was around the time I went and saw her at work. We had just buried my aunt and I was fuming. As she is a "good Christian woman" who attends Church every Sunday I told her "You will rot in hell for what you have done to me and my family". I think she quit shortly after this!!!

Nell - wonderful news. New life, new beginnings. Where's our kick-arse girl? I know she will come out of hiding soon. HUGS honey.

UK

We’ve always held hands. ...we sit close up to each other. He would randomly kiss me when out for a walk. Hug me in public. Stand with his hand casually in my jeans back pocket as “ownership”. Cook with me. Told me I looked great when I got dressed up. Told me I was lovely when I did something special or remembered his mum’s birthday.......
How can someone carry on in that way while having an affair?

HUGS honey. Scary stuff. At least FWH was an arsehole most of the time. However there were times he was affectionate and in some ways this hurts the most. BIG HUGS

Hi and HUGS to everyone else. Holidays coming up soon so hopefully will be more in touch then.

Love

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, March 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember that Laura!

My house will be sold on my birthday next month. The Pharaoh understands. I told him this morning and he said "what a sucky birthday present."

Sunshine is a royal PITA. Guess he decided to hit the terrible 2's a year late -- but, hey! At least Paddy is planning on hitting them right on time. They are a TORNADO!

I've been bawling my eyes out a lot lately. I'm sad about selling my house. I lost my home. He really did take everything away from me, from the person who was supposed to love me. Very sad. We get along better now, but I still don't want to stay married. I think every day about filing for a divorce.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, March 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((m3)))))
Take care of you, honey. Are you off meds because of the pregnancy?


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, March 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone!

I'm putting on my happy face today, trying to pull myself out of the rabbit hole again.

Trying. LOL


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, March 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Laura!! LOL!! Good for you! I remember about your aunt too. So she quit. I hope your remark did have something to do with it.

Tomorrow we do the resurrection. Thank God!
Did you mean that as a joke???

((((m33)))) I’m sorry you’re in the pits. Please take good care of yourself. The first few months never seem to get easier, do they? You are under incredible pressure and stress so do take any offers of help and make sure that you take time out for yourself. Don’t make life changing decisions right now. Just take care of you and the rest of your brood. Hugs honey.


Your H did not whine to you when you said no because his needs were being filled other places.
I was not only meeting his needs, I was giving him full body massages! I only began to react to his touch as if it was a cattle prod a long time after he started the affair with MOW. Three years or so. And every now and then he would reel me back in with some sustained “normal” behaviour and not the boorish conduct and sniping put downs, which, after d-day, I realised was MOW making demands.

Trust. I don’t trust him. I have contingency plans in place and I have access to enough money to assist those plans. And we own our house. No mortgage, no debts, money in the bank. I don’t think he is in an affair, but there were things happening earlier this week that had me on tenter hooks. MOW is working in a different place. fWH went there – he told me he was going to see a potential supplier and then going on to another one. I have no idea if he knows what MOW is doing now, but it’s not difficult to find out and she could easily tell her BH she was working late or had a meeting. I was very tempted to go down (80-odd miles) and just wait for her to emerge and see where she went. But, what’s the point? If he wants to see her, he’ll see her. So no. I don’t feel safe. And his response to my cold tone was saying he wasn’t up to anything, he’ll never do anything like that again, blah, blah. But he would tell me where he was before, just not mention he was seeing and/or fucking his gf. Half lies are easier to keep track of.

We had sex yesterday morning for the first time since mid-Jan. That is the longest time ever. 11wks. It wasn’t that great, frankly. He wont talk, he won’t broach the subject of my insecurity other than to give me platitudes. He never wondered aloud what he/we could do about m y lack of sexual interest. He never asks what I am writing about, he has never asked to read anything I have written, he doesn’t read my postings on SI (he doesn’t go on SI full stop ) He has never worked on himself, read any books, talked to anyone. As far as HE is concerned, he dealt with it. For a man who spends his working life talking, he is very good at avoiding personal and marital issues.

Just me right now. But thanks for trying to explain. I know he’s weak. I never realised that before d-day. Disappointing.

I don't think I'll be logging in for a few days. If we can get fuel (petrol strike looming), fWH and I are planning to go away for the weekend. Mojos for no strike and diesel at the pumps!

[This message edited by UKgirl at 2:22 PM, March 29th (Thursday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, March 29th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

do not have time...have not been on in a couple of days so i skimmed and needed to shout out...or rather give a hug to nell


(((((nell)))))

all endings are beginnings in disguise hon.....ALL OF THEM.....biding my time til my beginning too....and yes its still sad....

got some stuff goin in miracle land....pray for my dd19....she might be in a bit of trouble....ok...gotta go now


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, March 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IWAM - prayers & thoughts for DD19

(((IWAM)))


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, March 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((m3)))))
Take care of you, honey. Are you off meds because of the pregnancy?

No, but they don't work nearly as well. I can't take any hormonal birth control because the meds and the b/c neutralize each other, so I'm sure the pregnancy hormones mess with the meds too. It sucks. I'll probably try to get my dose increased.

But thanks for asking, it's thoughtful.

I'm declaring today a day to care for myself a little more. I've got some fancy bath salts and a fancy lunch from Whole Foods. Might try to get out for a mani/pedi too before it's time to go get the little ones.

I have to remind myself that by this time next month the stress level will be exponentially lower. The house will be sold, work will slow down, there will be more extra $ in the budget, the boat will be in the water ...

miracle, I will say a prayer for your daughter.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, March 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

m3,
I'm glad you took it as thoughtful and not nosy. I second-guessed myself after posting. Keep your eye on the prize! Good on you for pampering yourself when you have a few free moments.

miracle,
Prayers for DD19, whatever her sitch is, have been given.

WYE,
How goes the one-minute-at-a-time thing?

I'm looking forward to my new beginning. [Long-winded whine about every "positive" having an equal and opposite "negative" erased before posting. You're welcome. ]

I want to thank you all for your support. It means so, so much to me. I'm truly at peace with my decision, but it still feels good to get hugs from people who really understand.

XOXO - Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, March 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miracle.

Thinking of you and your dd19. I hope everything is going to be O.K.

M3

Relax whenever you can. It is good for you.

Nell.

What does XOXO mean?


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, March 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, the one minute at a time thing....sigh.

I'm trying, REALLY trying to keep myself on an even keel right now, and I think I'm holding up ok.

It's been a rough week.

Saturday, fWH even packed his bag and threatened to leave. His most recent reason for cheating is that he felt like he couldn't open up to me about his emotions because of the nature of our relationship (WTF?!?!), and so he started up with OW in a different way. He claims this is all his issue and has nothing to do with me.

The guy who wrote emails to OW2 is one I don't recognize. Sweet and considerate and in touch with emotions and genuinely interested. Things he's NEVER been for me. He did a really good job of deleting everything between him and OW1, so I will never know that, but I have an inkling it was more how he was with OW2.

Which makes me want to vomit.

He could be this amazing sweet and compassionate guy with them, but it's hard to open up with me? He wasn't comfortable with me, so he just found someone else? WTF.

How am I not supposed to take that personally?!?! He claims and claims that this is all on him, I just see it as an indirect way that he is blaming me for being flawed somehow and unreachable.

Huge fight, he threatens to leave, I scream at him that if this isn't about me, then he needs to find a way to just tell me he is sorry for what he's done rather than making me feel like this is my fault.

Dammit.

I hate this. So freaking much.

So yeah, I'm trying.

Tomorrow was their schmoopy anniversary. And I can already feel the knot in my stomach about it.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, March 30th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saturday, fWH even packed his bag and threatened to leave.

So why didn't he leave?

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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