So here I am at 56 years old....assessing my life and wondering why my head was up my ass all these years. How could I be married 35 years and not know what I was married to? I guess that old saying that love is blind is really true.
Unfortunately, I do not have loving feelings toward H anymore. It's just easier right now to be where I am.
I'm sad that what I thought I had, I never really did. LTA's suck.
I survived it unscathed, or so it seemed.. Until Yesterday.
Felt 'edgy' since I first woke up, like I needed to somehow escape the prison of my skin...
Made it to church and then to the store to pick up a few items on our list...
Everything seemed louder, brighter, well, just irritating...
Especially my fWH and DS... It seemed like everyone was relying on me to "take charge" and be responsible for every little decision and I just wanted to step back and let someone else take the lead role in "our lives"...
And of course, fWH just WON'T do that which infuriated me even more..
Then I got sooooooo upset with myself since I knew the feelings I had were in no way equal to the situation at hand and then I got sooooooo upset with fWH for the fact that he just wouldn't be who I need him to be in regards to his LTA and how the stressor's of that and a whole M of lies just feeds into my BP1 and then I'm upset with myself for letting the BP1 take control of my feelings and then I just want to shut down and go on auto pilot..
But I can't. Because fWH won't take control. Won't be responsible. Won't make decisions. He leaves it all on me so he doesn't have to take responsibility. Like a child....still.
And I re-read my last post and what was quoted from it and expanded on...
That the one we look to, the one we should be able to lean on for support, encouragement and safety during our recovery from trauma IS the perpetrator in our LTA situations soooooooo......???????
So, crazy me just left the shopping cart in the store and started walking out....
My poor DS... He feels so lost. And I am just not who DS needs me to be. Who DS deserves. And I hate that.
fWH and DS started following me out the door. They both, later, admitted they knew that I was starting to escalate emotionally and DS was waiting for fWH to do something to change the situation. He was looking to fWH to help, which fWH didn't, and DS felt helpless.
So they follow out to the car and we all get in and I am now raging inside...
At myself then at fWH then at my FOO and all the crap I had to suffer at their hands and then at myself for being no better than that to my own DS.. Then enraged at fWH that he just won't do what I need. Support me. Help me. Don't leave EVERYTHING up to me other than fWH's job.
They are both SOOOO quiet in the car and I feel like such a louse... Like I am never going to be healthy and good for anyone and I tell fWH to stop the car, he does, and I get out...
And start walking... I don't know where I am going. I just know I cannot stay.
I cannot stay.
In the car.
Inside my skin.
I feel like my skin will rip open and the rage and guilt and pain that is inside will engulf them....
And I couldn't stop it...
This is one of those times where I feel just too, well, broken...
I know what I need in my life to help me on my way to a balanced life/mind/heart/soul...
I know how much hard work that is going to required of me to do this..and I'm okay with that.
I just need help.
There, I said it!
I need help.
I HATE thinking that, never mind saying it.
But I know it to be true.
I can ask for help and receive it and it doesn't make me less of a person.
But, here, in this mindf*** of a life.....well, I am not going to get it. The help I need AND deserve.
fWH is not capable and/or willing to step up his game and be who I need him to be right now. I know he is broken and not perfect. I know he has his own issues and FOO crap to work through. I know he has healthy coping skills to learn and self esteem issues to work through.
BUT I NEED HIM NOW! I need support in MY life. I am losing this battle in my mind. I know I cannot do it alone. I am losing the battle...
Everyday with fWH is a triggerfest of his LTA and a M of deceit. Who fWH wants to be hides behind who fWH still is... And when the waters get choppy, well fWH falls back onto his unhealthy behaviors because it is comfortable for him.
How can I blame him? I do the same.... But I want to change. How can I lean on fWH when his mere presence can trigger me into cycling or escalating?
How do I heal when my darkness rears its ugly head at the mere presence of my fWH?
I read here that "it takes time"... And I know I am only one year and nine months'ish out...
I am just so afraid that my psyche cannot take another month of this rollercoaster, never mind another year....
Has ANYONE been through this?
A comorbid mental health diagnosis and a LTA that included purposeful manipulation, emotional,physical and sexual abuse AND was a survivor of childhood/FOO emotional, physical, sexual abuse?
Please tell me someone has made it to the other side...
Please tell me someone has integrated their mind and become one person, one mind, one soul, one heart....
AND that they were able to do that while their fWS was working on their own sh*t...
AND they both made it out, together, to the other side of this mess....
oh my gosh hon, i could honestly say i felt all that you have felt and have not nearly gone through all that you have....i had a decent childhood, no abuse....granted it was not storybook, but it was still a "childhood"..
anyways....as i read your post all i could do was remember feeling like that all the time when i first found out til about a year and a half ago.....and even now i have my moments of needing to jump out of my skin....i have my moments of needing to run....i have my moments of turing them all off
ok, the good news and bad news get lumped together here...
you need help and the first person who can give you that essential help is "you"....relying on a broken person to help put you back together is not going to cut it, your ws is incapable right now and may never be capable....thats the kind of the attitude you need to attain....my ws was also useless and i realized that if i was going to heal it had to be me healing me...and granted this was pretty much a stamp on the seal of future demise of a marriage..after all if could not count on the idiot who put me here i knew that i once i healed myself it would be pushing him as far away emotionally as one can and that would be it for us.....
anyways....you need to do everything you can for you....i dont know or remember if you are in ic, if not, get yourself a good one yesterday.....you may also need some meds...i could not take ad's...they made me worse but i did take xanax and still do now and then when i feel the need....
then you need to exercise, eat well and stay hydrated.....take care of the body is part of taking care of the mind.....
k...gotta go, class will be startin soon...
this is my last week of formal classes....internship next week....got one more big test to get through this week too....send some si mojo my way for it tribe.....its a biggie...!!!
fWH is not capable and/or willing to step up his game and be who I need him to be right now.
The goal is for each of us, WS and BS, to be authentic. If this is who he is, at least it is authentic, you know who and what you have to work with. In the past he was not authentic, he lied to himself, and to you.
BUT I NEED HIM NOW! I need support in MY life.
You have him; this is who he is, now.
I am losing this battle in my mind. I know I cannot do it alone. I am losing the battle...
First, yes you can do it alone. In fact we all, for better or worse, do it alone. We can lean on others, we can have support, but in the end we all walk our paths from dday to our new lives alone. We lean into our pain to accept it and pass through it. We become introspective and decide who we want to be in the future.
What battle are you loosing? The battle for control, control of yourself or of others? The battle to reclaim the M you thought that you had as opposed to the reality of your M?
Everyday with fWH is a trigger fest of his LTA and a M of deceit.
For some of us, a period of separation from our unhealed WS allowed us to escape the drama of their lives and focus on us. I gained great clarity about me, and a firm foundation for my new life in just the few weeks I was out of the house.
Where do you want to be in 9 months, 2 years LIBM? Independent of your WS, what would you like your life to be like? What can YOU do to make progress towards that, independent of your WS?
ats ~ same response to you... does it make sense? I AGREE with everything you posted. And in a balanced/sane moment it is how I live. I make my mistakes, forgive myself and focus back onto MY wellness Plan for ME. Since I know that is all I can control.
Then the madness sets in.
fWH is NOT authentic. He still lies daily, without admitting/acknowledging it. Mostly over little things of no apparent significance other than if he in any way feels it might have even a hint of conflict in it, well....he must lie.
And he won't admit he did. Even when I call him out on it. And then I trigger over the "I'm not saying your not right, LIBM, but I did NOT say that or I did NOT lie or I did NOT mean it that way"etc, etc, etc..
Then I trigger, because I used to believe HIM when he would say these things and assume I am just a jealous, selfish, untrusting person for NO reason since my fWH WAS THE PERFECT HUSBAND...
And we all know that not to be true now...
Once I'm cycling into a depressive or manic episode fWH will sometimes admit he lied and apologize, Sometimes...but by then I'm gone... and then I come back to a stable hypomanic phase or moderate depressive state and can acknowledge my inappropriate elevated response...
MY Psych said I need, NEED a stable support system in my life...
My Psych has considered hospitalization to provide me a "safe place" to start a true healing process since I have never really known a safe place and have not developed the ability to keep myself safe... To trust myself to say "No" and mean it.. enforce it, back it up..
I see what you are saying, Ats, I WANT that to be fWH...but fWH is who he is... and I cannot change that... I don't think I believe I can change that. I believe that I am just so codependent and WANT it to change and figure everyone has it in them to change and that if fWH loved me he would change... it would prove I was worthy of being loved...
I set boundaries hoping the people I love will love me enough NOT to break them, but to respect them.
I don't enforce my boundaries... so I am self-sabotaging...
The battle I'm losing, Ats, is the battle for my soul...
I know that sounds "dramatic" to many of you but it is how I truly feel.
The battle of thoughts, of voices, of the many different perspectives in my mind...there, there is the battleground where I am losing...
Will I remain fractured? Splintered into the many rather than become integrated into one LIBM?
I can no longer endure the war in my mind. I am tired, emotionally/physically/mentally. I have kept up a facade...survived for so long. At the expense of those I love, at times. I am tired of not being enough for the ones I love. I am tired of not knowing my own mind. I am tired of the voices that won't turn off.
I am exhausted that I "KNOW" this is not real and that with time, courage, fight and SUPPORT I can become consistent and healthy and yet "I" argue against it all in the same thought.
And at the end of it all, I believe I should be able to handle this; on my own. To follow through and continue on my Wellness Plan and become healthy, on my own. And that I should be able to do that in this home environment to provide my DS with a healthy parent and be who my DS needs me to be. Who I should be able to be. And that my M can work or not; but that I would Know that I did everything that I could do and walk away feeling like I tried my best thus teaching my DS that he was worth the effort...
Ats, I don't know where I want to be in 9 months or later...
Sometimes I think "dead"...
At least the noise in my head would stop....
And then I wouldn't be failing my child...
But other times I feel more positive and see me actively and consistently working my Wellness Plan; developing a social life outside of being a wife and mother; volunteering again with CASA groups and local shelters; being independent financially/emotionally/spiritually; and then to answer the second part of that.....and herein lies my defeatest attitude..
I do NOT believe I can make progress towards that while living with and in a committed relationship to my fWH... Every step forward becomes 10 steps back...
Unstable manic and depressive episodes lurk around every corner and the codependent LIBM guilt that comes along with holding myself accountable for words or actions during those episodes quickly erodes any progress...
I guess I'm just tired, at the heart of it all...
I don't see that changing...
My whole life I could "manage" this and separate myself from it.
I was the one that everyone looked up to. I had energy beyond belief. I had an ear or a hand for anyone that needed it. I didn't need to sleep; why sleep? There is so much that can be done. I would be who I needed to be and present who I thought others needed me to be. I sold everyone on it. I was the one that had it all together...
And a lifetime of that has finally caught up with me...
A lifetime of little to no sleep...
A lifetime of raging sadness masked by shining radiance...
A lifetime of not just "surviving" but of "excelling"..
And it was all just a facade.
And now I'm tired. It has all finally caught up with me.
And I'm in a M that I know I shouldn't be in.
And I don't know how to leave.
And I don't know how I will survive if I do leave; but I don't know how I'll survive if I stay.
God, I am just rambling today...
My mind is on fire.
I just want it to stop.
How do I leave? How do I give up on this? How do I let go? How do I stop the madness in my head....
how do i escape me? because it is me... how do i ever be who i want to be when i am the one keeping me from doing that....
FWW found great support through writings by Brene Brown as she worked through her IC to refocus her perceptions and re-evaluate the beliefs she developed as a child. Brene has a website, a number of books, and is featured in a few TED talks. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UoMXF73j0c
I do not know if this will apply or be helpful to you or not, but it is a low investment to check it out.
Honestly, bipolar disorder would be enough of a challenge without a non-supportive spouse who cheated and lied for years adding to the whole mindf**k. I'm glad you're getting professional help and I hope you have shoulders IRL to lean on, as well.
I will pray for you, if that's okay.
PS Oh, things are moving quickly here in my little world. I may be divorced this week.
Let it be me --
Yes. I did all that. I'm bipolar, and my WH had an LTA and he was abusive, etc. And I'm well now and doing good and WH and I are still together and doing well too. It wasn't fast, and it wasn't easy, but I/we got there. Our LTA friends will tell you that when I was 1 yr 9 mos. out things got so bad with him that I had to get the authorities involved. It sucked, but it seems to have inspired him to change. Not that I count on that anymore. I'm fine because my meds make my mood stable and my IC finally got me to the point where I realized that I'm fine no matter what he does and if he decides to act like a jackass again (in any way) then he's got to go and that's it.
Anyway, yes, it can be done. Be gentle with yourself and keep seeing your IC and taking meds. I found when I was first diagnosed that keeping a mood chart was helpful.
You know, I really was so angry at my husband. I guess I want to say this: you can't forgive someone until you can. It's not something either you or they can rush along. Anyway, I had a very busy week last week; it looks like our house is going to sell (we have a contract) and ... I'm pregnant (! !). WH was home sick, so The Pharaoh was here too since his school is near WH's office. Anyway, I was just thinking of how our lives are so very different from how they were. It's like what njgal says about how her husband changed so much. Mine has too. And me as well.
Anyway, there you go.
Oh, and the newly 2 year old baby Paddy has created quite a mural on the walls of the apartment; up to about 3' high everywhere. Guess I'll have to paint soon ...
Next question to all: What was your line in the sand, meaning what was the one thing that was a deal breaker for you?
What was your line in the sand, meaning what was the one thing that was a deal breaker for you?
I don't know.
Once upon a time I would have been sure that affairs with multiple men would be one. It wasn't. What I came to learn is that I would not know when she had crossed a line in the sand until after the line was crossed.
When she broke agreed on behaviors while out of town about a year out from dday, and then she and her DDs yelled at me for being angry with her and called me an abuser, I moved out. I guess you could say she crossed a line. This was related to her needing to work on her stuff in IC too.
I like to think an active NC violation would have been a line. Had she not engaged in IC earnestly I would not have moved back in. Had she not found (or at least was not working on finding) a solution to a lack of sex drive that resulted in sex <1 /month I was ready to leave her.
But it is hard to say, because sexual affairs with 3 OM and an EA with another was apparently not a line in the sand.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 3:54 PM, March 19th (Monday)]
self-rescuer: welcome! I hope this thread can help you. I find it very therapeutic to read here.
LIBM: I do think the duration adds to the effects of the trauma, because the longer things go on, the harder it is to look at individual actions as lapses of judgement. This hit me hard again yesterday.
Reading your posts it is obvious that you struggle with your BP1, but you clearly have good techniques in place to cope with it. I remember feeling out of control when I suffered from postpartum depression, and your description of feeling like you could come right out of your skin really resonated with me.
Old Dip: Childish behaviour - check! I remember having a conversation with fWH shortly after R started in earnest about what I saw as being immature behaviour on both his and MOW's part. He replied that it made a lot of sense, because he felt during the A like he was in high school, with all its associated drama. I wonder in cases like that if it is part of the MLC/need to feel young.
needtofind: oh FFS (my favourite abbreviation, lately) your WH needs to grow up. I don't think my fWH reads my posts, but he knows my user name and if he wants to, fine. He just needs to understand that working through the damage HE caused in any way possible is my goal.
0115: I felt a little like the steamroller hit me again this weekend. I am almost pulled out of it, but it is amazing how I could have 2 1/2 excellent weeks and suddenly feel so back to zero. :)
nofun: one of the conditions I put on fWH for R was to see his doctor and follow her advice when it came to medication for depression. Unfortunately, by the time he went he had already resumed the A, but the ADs had already started to kick in when DDay2 hit, and I think it made it much easier for him to come out of the fog and drop the "I'm an asshole and irredeemable" mentality that he was carrying around, and which I think did a ton of additional harm to us as it was a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. I am not a fan of ultimatums, but maybe your H needs a kick in the ass.
Nell: divorced this week? Wow - that seems quick, but I guess it depends on the circumstances. On a related note, where I live adultery is a reason to waive the 1 year separation period, but that is void if the betrayed spouse forgives the adultery. I am not sure how they prove it was forgiven, but I sometimes wonder if knowing that has subconsciously held me back from forgiving him. If for some reason I did decide on D, I would want it over as quickly as possible.
m33 - congratulations on the pregnancy! fWH and I are still trying to get and stay pregnant - maybe this month! I am hoping it happens soon even though I know the extra emotions will be difficult for me to deal with.
Brokenworld: in response to your question, I haven't met my dealbreaker yet. Our MC says I keep moving the line, and I think she is partly right. However, I don't think in terms of moving the line as much as just not being able to think of every scenario and am not always able to gauge how I will respond even to those I consider. There was a time when an A was a deal breaker. Then, I found out about his LTA and it wasn't. Next, it was another A. Well, we had DDay2 (same AP) 6 weeks after the first and while it was a dealbreaker of sorts, in that I made him leave, but that wasn't the dealbreaker.
However, I think I can say safely that another DDay would be a dealbreaker for me. By that I mean another A, or resumption of the A, or a piece of information that there was another AP, or a revelation that the details of the A were substantially different. For example, if I learned that the MOW had become pregnant, for example, since I specifically asked him that question. Continued lying, however small, would be a deal breaker, but he seems to have turned a corner there. Thank goodness, because I almost divorced him over a library book a few months into R!
In me-land, we had a rough weekend. fWH and his sister took their mother away to the mountains for the weekend. It was hard on me as I imagined all kinds of scenarios by which he could be lying to me about his whereabouts. So even though I knew he was with his mother and sister, I imagined him sneaking out of the condo to go out by himself, or maybe that the whole thing was an elaborate setup that they were in on. :( It was ridiculous, but that is what happens when I don't trust him. Then, his mom made a big production twice yesterday about what amazing, wonderful people her children turned out to be (she knows nothing of fWH's LTA, and although she knows about one of SIL's As, we only suspect the others.) I wanted to puke.
On the bright side, our son missed his dad like crazy this weekend. As sad as I was that he was sad, it was nice to see. When I made fWH leave after DDay2, our son didn't even notice. Granted he was younger, but at that age our son would always be missing me when I had to go away for work, but never his dad. fWH was so checked out of our family that whether he was there or not was inconsequential to our son. At the same time, when his dad was around he was terribly jealous if he played with other kids. I believe it was insecurity about fWH's feelings. Now, fWH is a totally engaged dad.
And, as this week starts up, it looks like it will be fWH's last week at work. Finding another position in the company when they just laid off 2000 people is difficult, and we leave on holidays anyway in less than 2 weeks. At this time, we are thinking of him taking a few months off before going back, at least until the school year ends (he drives our son to preschool daily) and maybe even for the summer. I am entering a very busy few months at work and it might be easier on all of us if he is not starting a new job right away with all of the additional stress and a commute, plus figuring out how to get our son to school every day if we are both working 20 - 30 minutes away from home. His severance will cover us for a couple of months, at least.
Rough triggery weekend....but it's over.
Hugs to everyone....no time to post, but have been reading from my phone between everything else.
Please know I feel honored to hear about your challenges and struggles and triumphs.
Thanks to all of you for understanding.
Divorce final 3-13-13
Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
Nell, A new man will be so lucky to have you.
Nofun.. sometimes in life, you just take the leap with faith. You are young and can find what you need. I wish you courage.
Peace out all...
That must have been great to see your son want to be with his dad. Children are so honest and they live what they feel. the fact that he didn't really notice his absence before really says something. And the fact that there is a difference now really says that he FEELS a difference.
The countdown to my birthday is on; 5 more day. Unfortunately, OW birthday is also this week. So it's quite a bit triggery for me. H is doing a lot this week to try to make it special for me. He is trying to do something every day. BUT the dreaded OW birthday looms in my mind. And I have to work 11 hours that day. Part of me thinks that will be good so that I won't be thinking so much (and possibly verbally spewing at H). The other part is nervous to be away from him so long on that date. Trust issue I guess.
After about 1.5 days of H moping around about reading my posts we FINALLY talked about it. And by that I mean, he finally admitted that he was not "fine." So, he told me that I can talk to him about these things, which is good. I guess that's what I always wanted - to be able to talk to him about my feelings. Now let's see if we can do this.
In general, R sucks and LTAs suck. And I am thankful for happy meds.
" I have become comfortably numb. "
" The flames are all gone, but the pain lingers on... "
Congratulations!!!! What a blessing this beautiful child will be. I hope your pregnancy is easy and uneventful. I'm just so happy for you.
[This message edited by 0115 at 10:27 PM, March 20th (Tuesday)]
I've been super busy, organized a blood drive yesterday for the sick little boy of a friend, and then I couldn't even donate. Ugh.
When my dad was sick, I donated blood directly to him a few times and never had an issues, but they wouldn't let me yesterday because my hemoglobin was too low. Like scary low.
I guess all this LTA R crap really is wearing me down. I can't even remember the last time I slept well. I told my brother what happened yesterday, and he reminded me again how different a place I was in when my father was dying....that was hard enough to deal with, but dad didn't choose to die. And I didn't know about the LTA yet.
I thought I was drained then....I guess it's nothing to the shape I'm in these days.
I think I'm taking a mental health day today. I'm going to hang out with my baby boy, take him to the park, try not to worry about all the things I can't control and breathe.
Riding the train to Crazyville IRL today, so don't have time for anything else, really... just wanted to touch base.
Hey, honest, if you're reading... I'm thinking about you and hoping you're doing okay.