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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 28
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, March 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats… sorry you’re hurting brother...

I give you strength today to think differently!

You are a great man.

You care about others I know because I have read it.

You had the courage to separate from your wife and that only comes from a man who has strength.

You are fun, interesting man just because I know you have a boat!

You are in a business that helps others because your character makes you a man who is compassionate towards others.

You are a man of power because you gave it an effort to forgive the unforgivable.

You are a man who has the ability to make changes because you made the effort to change jobs.

You are a man who has great control because you did not beat the shit out of the OM you work with.

Shall I go on and on because I know I can come up with more?

I know all that was a vent. So spit it out brother and get back to living today.

You don’t need your wife for your happiness. You just need to do things that make you happy. Make a commitment today to not look back... and live today. Enjoy every minute of this day and make is a good day by doing things that make you feel good.

Peace.


Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, March 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryn

For some reason, we humans just love to live the past and relive misery. Why is that? I am making a commitment to myself about this…

I personally think it's because humans desire for things to be 'just', or 'fair'. When we are wronged we have a hard time letting go because there is no retribution. At least that's what I was thinking about in MC this week.

Oh yeh.. the desire for JUST and FAIR… I know this… Life is not always fair. I accept it. This was not easy to do... But now, my brain has a memory. The memory of a painful reality... But it fades as time goes on... I know that.

For me, I am becoming stronger everyday. I continue to grow and learning what a woman needs to be in a loving, caring, intimate and sexual relationship. I think that lion is almost back in me now. I am afraid of not having the woman who I grew up with in life, but I have courage to change, with certainty, I don’t need her in my life.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:59 AM, March 15th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2635 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, March 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ats....I can feel your pain from here. I'm so sorry for you. Hang in there. I hope today is better


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, March 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((ats)))))
I hope the venting helped, and I hope you are feeling good, strong, loved today. Because you are all those things, you know.

(((((miracle)))))
So glad to hear that you are doing well.

As for me, Mr. STBXNell's lawyer drew up the separation agreement and there's only one thing in there that looks hinky. I need to research that and then send the agreement draft to my lawyer. D could be final as soon as next week, then my name comes off the mortgage, then I can find a new place and really get moving toward my future.

Mr. STBXNell is mopey, but he never fought for this marriage. Either there is no fight in him, or he didn't feel that marriage with me was worth the fight. That's okay. I know I am worth the fight, which is why I fought (am fighting) so hard for me. I am feeling an odd combination of hopeful, peaceful and scared spitless. I know that I can handle whatever comes my way. I may wobble, but I won't fall down.

Laura,
I have missed you.

Everyone else... I'm unable to focus well today... I have read everyone's posts and send up little prayers with every sentence. Right now, that's about all the responsing I can manage.

XO-Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, March 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my experience the length of time of the A did make a difference. MY W confessed to a ONS on my D-day #1. Sometime later she changed that to a two time hookup. I can say that the change in the story was a huge deal. ONS almost qualified as a stupid mistake. Twice was no longer a mistake. (I hate the word mistake but I don't really know how to descibe this) Something else about this situation was the fact that I was pretty much confused by the fact that she confessed but still lied. I was kind of in the mind set that if someone was going to confess why would they still lie about things? So add the discovery that she did a combo of confession + lying and this was more than a ONS, and you have a young man who had his head spining around. D-day #2 was another confession. She did not claim a ONS but I at first assumed this. I am a slow learner. When I got around to asking the "how long has this been going on" question, I was hit pretty hard with her answer and figured out that this was a whole different game. I still hate that song, "how long has this been going on" since those were my exact words. After all that, it still took me a bit to process the fact that the LTA was not like a series of ONS but much deeper. There may be some who would say that all As are the same but from my experience the LTA is one that is very hard to process. All As may be X's & O's but the LTA has many more X's & O's. It is a different game.

Ats.

This is a roller coaster and with some WSs the roller coaster is complicated by many extra facts and figures. The ride is tough when you are going through all the smoke and mirrors. That is my personal experience in all this. BTW, That was a good vent!

I guess you and I are both fun, interesting men since I have a boat too.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, March 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don’t know about the longer the affair, the worse it is. The LTA is the one I know about, the one fWH confessed to. But when I dug back, I found that there was something going off two years prior, and then something else about 6yrs prior to that. I reckon, in the end, WH was “in” the marriage and (probably) faithful for about 6yrs – from 1982 to autumn of 1988. That was when he started hankering for his ex-gf. I wonder if that was also when we met her mother in H’s home town and she told him where MOW was living. DS3 would have been just a matter of months old then. So, as for many here, I had that first “knowledge” only to find that was just the base line.

But. My side of the marriage was authentic. I was happy. I may have been blind and ignorant, but I did feel blessed and lucky. I loved my (W)H, adored my boys, fussed and loved my dogs, got on and enjoyed my life – yeh, I considered myself and us as the lucky ones. Okay, so I was wrong. But it was WH who lost out, not me. It was him who suffered a sense of unfulfilment, dissatisfaction, angst and him who felt there was something missing. He chose to keep that to himself. After all, he could hardly TELL me he was still in love with his old gf, could he?

Ats, Sorry you’re raging. I want you to know that you are a good man, a man of sound character, a man who loves and cares. So do something for yourself and get some feel good endorphins running around your veins. (((((ats))))) Hope getting it out of your system has worked.

Nell, you sound as though the Divorce is looming. Think of it with a little “d” and that when it rises over the horizon, it will be a sunny day for you.

I may wobble, but I won't fall down.
Are you a weeble??

There is a thread in Recon (now on page 2) that struck me. The Selfish and the Sacrificing
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=448711
I think that’s fWH and me. Kind of co-dependency guise.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, March 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS - I feel your pain & anger - take care Bro.
Ditto everything Tryin has said - you are an inspiration to us all.

I must be the odd man out - no fucking boat! Does a surfboard count?

Take care tribe

Moving back into lurking mode.


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, March 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

- you are an inspiration to us all.

Thank you DP, but that is kinda sad

Better today, there was a mini emergency at work with media, regulators, etc. Lots of focused attention as my department stepped in to straighten things out. Kept me occupied all day.

I am still not entirely sure where the anger last night came from, but it was paltible.

Thanks for all the supprt and affirmations.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3961 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, March 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

self-rescuer-
Glad to hear that you are in IC. That helped me tremendously.
And you're right. MC cannot help until your WH ends the affair.
Until then continue the 180.
Read about it here on SI. On the left side of the screen you can find the healing library and from there click on articles.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
self-rescuer
♀ Member
Member # 35059
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, March 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread is amazing. Thank you for making me feel welcomed and understanding the constant gut-punches associated with the endless triggers when selfish WS conducted a LTA.

You guys are awesome!


BW 52
WXH 55
married 26 yrs
D-Day 9-15-11

Divorce final 3-13-13

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
~ Goethe


Posts: 480 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: the south
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, March 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ats-
Glad to hear that you are feeling better today.
Venting is good.
Sometimes we need to do that.

and remember...it's an emotional roller coaster ride.

Eventhough you may think that you have been dealing with this for a long time...
All the articles seem to talk about 2-5 yrs for recovery.
I know for me... the extreme emotions continued for 4 and 1/2 yrs post d-day.

I've only been feeling consistently calm for the last 9 months or so.

They say it takes 2-5 yrs to 'get over' an affair....and IMHO it takes even longer to 'get over' a LTA.

Now...About the idea that very few people successfully reconcile after finding out about a LTA....
well...its true...for many BS infidelity is a deal breaker.

The stats are about 60% divorce after infidelity.

But, that means that 40% stay married.

I did not find SI immediately after d-day.

I did find another site.

I spent about 2 yrs on that site and 'met' a number of BS that were similar to me...long term marriages and dealing with long term affairs.

We have stayed in touch via email over the last 5 yrs and guess what?
All eight of the women are still married and are successfully reconciled.

It can happen.

All of them agree that it took a long time- over 5 yrs to get to this better place but they got there.

The one thing that all of these BS had in common was a very remorseful spouse.

In all of the cases the FWH was willing to do just about anything to save the marriage.

One agreed to go to SA meetings, another would drive 4 hours one way and stay in a hotel for the weekend (2x per month) in order to see a well known psychologist/MC who had a strong background in dealing with infidelity.
Another FWH agreed to change jobs and move away from the OW.
Another agreed to hire a Private Investigator to get a photograph of the MOW because his wife needed to know what the MOW looked like.

The BS were willing to forgive and try to reconcile but the WS had to be extremely remorseful and willing to do the hard work of making amends,reassuring the BS of their love and devotion and basically doing whatever it took to save the marriage.

Its not easy but just wanted to put that out there....reconciliation is possible.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, March 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ats)))

We've all had our fair share of bad days, and you've been a calm and steady voice of reason for me many times....so it's your turn to rage and vent. Get it out.

njgal - I hope you are right. I think. LOL

Though I might imagine seeing maybe someday, a long time from now, getting to a point where I could actually say I was happy in my marriage, it seems so distant and unattainable most days.

fWH is just now really beginning to commit to the hard work of self-examination, but I honestly don't know that he has it in him to do this for as long as it will take.

And I can't help but wonder if I'm just selling myself short. I deserved better than this. Why should I have to be miserable and in pain and work hard at this repair process for what seems like forever, when he checked out on me years ago. Just because he's back now....I'm not sure that's enough.

I don't know. I have this feeling that I might be approaching the plain of lethal flatness I hear so many people here write about. If he cheated again, I don't know that I'd be completely devastated. I'm not sure I'd care all that much...I'd just be done. I sure as hell wouldn't be surprised.

On the flip side, he could bend over backwards to be the husband of my dreams, and I'm like "eh" about it. I just don't feel it. I question his motives for everything. It all seems fake and forced and weird. I know that all came naturally to him with OW....but it never did with me.

Maybe we just really aren't supposed to be together. Maybe I've just had it all wrong this whole time.

Sorry, now I'm officially rambling.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
self-rescuer
♀ Member
Member # 35059
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, March 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am alone.

Today, after weeks of NC I called him. For a moment I forgot that he is now a stranger and I called to speak with my best friend. The call was short but has left me too sorrowful to cry.

Weeks of progress dashed.

I hope it is OK that I am posting on this thread - it seems the space with those who share a common anguish.


BW 52
WXH 55
married 26 yrs
D-Day 9-15-11

Divorce final 3-13-13

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
~ Goethe


Posts: 480 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: the south
let it be me
♀ Member
Member # 29103
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, March 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today, after getting caught up on some 'LTA thread reading', I am reminded of something my IC said to me back in 1998 when I first began that trek; as well as something my DD's IC said when she started IC in 2003 when DD disclosed her molestation by my father...
"the EFFECTS of the trauma/abuse on the victim are exacerbated by the DURATION of the abuse as well as the CLOSENESS of the perpetrator"...

(yes there are other many other factors when it comes to molestation, ie. is the claim of abuse met with doubt, is the abused affirmed and kept safe, how soon the abused receives IC, etc...)

My IC said it is the same with the EFFECTS of the TRAUMA of an A...
SO duration does matter. It is not that a LTA causes worse pain than a ONS. It IS that the LTA will have further reaching effects on the victim(s) due to the duration of the abuse/trauma to the victim(s)...

I think individual pain is as individual as, well, the individual. There is no discounting anyone's pain.

I attempt to give myself a break when it comes to my 'healing process' from fWH's A. I have thrown the words (or any similar ideas and thoughts of) *healing timeline* OUT of my vocabulary and into the abyss of the *i don't know and i don't have to know* wormhole along with all the other useless labels that I tend to give life to...

Today is my birthday and I'm going to WORK (YAY, I finally found a part time job that my overly medicated & unstable mind/body/soul can manage with the approval of my pdoc).

Today I will celebrate my 'unperfectness'. Yep, making up words today, deal with it, it's MY Birthday!

Today I will look at my BP1 as a strength. A way my mind/soul/body learned to survive all the abuse I suffered as a child/young adult/adult.

I have an unending supply of empathy.

I have seen the worst in people, been on the receiving end of their worst and yet, still be assured in their opportunity for redemption.

Now, I just need to work on consistently seeing that same possibility for myself, redemption.

AH, today I gift myself with the knowledge that I have been redeemed and I just need to accept that gift.

Today, for my birthday, my perfect gift ~ my heart's desire is that I cycle less frequently and only cycle as far as low as mild depression or as high as hypomania....

God let me process whatever fWH does to celebrate my birthday today as a positive. Let my triggers be manageable enough not to cycle outside of the mild depression to hypomania levels....


(((((Tribe)))), it seems our lil' family is all over the "board" in our personal life stories...
The fixer in me wants to respond to each and every one of you individually, so the brokenness in me will just say, "I do so love you all. And you are all beautiful and beloved & worth every bit of effort"

~LIBM


Me/BS/40~Him/fWH/42 Both in IC
MC put 'on hold' till my IC agrees
DD~07/19/10 R on hold till my IC agrees
BP1 DX 10/2011&Complex PTSD 7/1998
"There are no mistakes in tomorrow"

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Eastern NC
needtofindwhoiam
♀ Member
Member # 33032
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, March 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi self-rescuer,
You are not alone. Welcome to the club that nobody wants to join. This website is a great resource. The other Forums are also a great place to find support.
I read your profile. It sounds like you H is confused. Have either of you been to counseling?


me 36
WH 38
Daughter 3
Been together 14 years
Dday Aug 3, 2011
LTA on and off almost 4 years

" I have become comfortably numb. "
" The flames are all gone, but the pain lingers on... "
-Pink Floyd


Posts: 188 | Registered: Aug 2011
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, March 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

self-rescuer-
Don't be hard on yourself.
You called.
Those first weeks after d-day can be crazy making.
Many of us said and did much worse.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
needtofindwhoiam
♀ Member
Member # 33032
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, March 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Worst-Year
On the flip side, he could bend over backwards to be the husband of my dreams, and I'm like "eh" about it. I just don't feel it. I question his motives for everything. It all seems fake and forced and weird. I know that all came naturally to him with OW....but it never did with me.

I feel this too. And, I am hoping that it will get better. I wonder if I got it all wrong and wasted my life. Then another part of my still has a flicker of hope that all the promises he makes now might actually make things better.
I realized in MC this week that I am afraid if things get better that he will stray again. I believe he wants me now because he lost me. But once he secures me and our relationship again he will think there is something better out there. The grass is always greener type thing.

Old-D

Something else about this situation was the fact that I was pretty much confused by the fact that she confessed but still lied. I was kind of in the mind set that if someone was going to confess why would they still lie about things?

I don't know a lot about your situation (being new here). But I wonder if she confessed to some of it in order to gain some relief for herself, but not all of it because she knew it was so much worse.

Which also makes me think... isn't it ironic how someone can be brazen enough to do something that they know is so wrong - yet they don't have the guts to admit to it (or all of it). Sometimes I think my H will (or would have - still not sure) do anything as long as he doesn't get caught. It's like he has a pre-teen mindset that as long as he doesn't get busted that it's not really wrong. Guess I'll chalk that up to one more thing I will add to my list of reasons why his parents sucked.

NJgal-
You give me hope


me 36
WH 38
Daughter 3
Been together 14 years
Dday Aug 3, 2011
LTA on and off almost 4 years

" I have become comfortably numb. "
" The flames are all gone, but the pain lingers on... "
-Pink Floyd


Posts: 188 | Registered: Aug 2011
self-rescuer
♀ Member
Member # 35059
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, March 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow - thanks for the kind posts.

Yep - I'm in IC and he's in IC. Just met with MC #3 but I wouldn't schedule another appt until WH would agree to NC with his girlfriend.

As I have read over and over on SI his actions never match his words. He has not done the first proactive thing to try and fix our very broken marriage.

I HATE this feeling. The blend of acute sadness and nausea... It's been six months - shouldn't these wave be getting weaker?


BW 52
WXH 55
married 26 yrs
D-Day 9-15-11

Divorce final 3-13-13

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
~ Goethe


Posts: 480 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: the south
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, March 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been six months - shouldn't these wave be getting weaker?

SR just like our physical body our mental/spiritual body heals/deals @ different rates.

((SR))


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, March 15th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

self-rescuer...first welcome

and second ***I love your name***

It shows tremendous strength I think. Don't beat yourself up...you've been beat up enough already...you can take a break from it here.


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
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