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User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 28
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 2:24 AM, February 17th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE-
Sorry that things continue to be hard with your mom.
You have so much on your plate right now.
Sometimes we need to distance ourselves from toxic people even if it is family.
I had to do that with my BPD mother -at a certain point I had to step back to protect myself.Especially when I was in the middle of all of my emotional turmoil after d-day.
You need to take care of yourself-your children need a healthy mom.

Honest- I know how hard this must be for you too. But,you know that your mom is getting the care she needs. You can still be an attentive ,caring daughter but not take the brunt of her everyday BPD behavior.
I know my mother is always much more pleasant with strangers than she is with her daughters.

cdnmommy- I know how difficult it is to 'get over' a LTA but wanted to let you know that it is possible.
I'm sorry for all the additional stress that you are going through right now with the recent miscarriages.It must be so hard for you.
Has your FWH been supportive? remorseful?
Is he transparent in everything so that you can begin to trust him again?
Has he gone to IC to figure out who he was during the LTA and how he can change to become a better person, husband etc.?
There are so many stories of WS having affairs during a turbulent , difficult period in a marriage.It seems like for some when the going gets tough-they have affairs.
In my case we had a very serious medical issue with our daughter to deal with during the LTA yrs.
I often read on SI of other WHs straying after the birth of a child. What should be a joyous time has been tarnished.
So often the WS use the infidelity as an escape from the stressors of daily life.
A fantasy escape from reality.And that's why so few of the affairs ever result in lasting relationships....they are not based on anything real-its all fantasy. And when the fantasy bubble bursts the affair is over.

Tryin- Your story about the tragic end to infidelity is another example of how WS do not think about all the possible consequences of their actions. Most will say that when they got involved in the LTA they never thought they would get found out and they never thought anyone would get hurt.
That's how they rationalized it to themselves.
Meanwhile there is all kind of horrible fallout from affairs and everyone gets hurt.
Pre d-day I also never understood these stories-I would be judgemental and say to myself ...why didn't they just get divorced? why resort to such violence etc.
Now I understand the depth of the pain caused by infidelity and understand how it could push someone to the edge like this.

UK girl and Lost soul-
Sorry that Vday brought out all of these painful memories for you.

Nell and Elle-good to hear that your Vday went well

My Vday was very nice. We never used to celebrate it in the past. I was a very low maintenance wife and agreed that it was a Hallmark holiday.
But, ironically, after d-day I have changed my tune and I have reclaimed this day as another example of our 'new' marriage. For us-all the rules have changed.
That has been one way that I have worked through the LTA.
I look at our marriage now as a second chance for us.
It is a 'new' marriage in many ways.
So my V-day was quite romantic- red roses,lovely card, dinner at a romantic restaurant and then a quiet evening by the fireplace at home.

ats- good to hear things are going well.
Glad to hear that the Karma bus has rolled over OM.

Nofun and Dip-good to hear from you.


hugs to the rest of the LTA tribe.

[This message edited by njgal480 at 9:47 AM, February 17th (Friday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, February 17th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cdnmommy

first and most important, welcome to our little corner of si.....

I didn't deserve to be able to choose my own path

this stuck out big time to me...i am a huge proponet of choosing paths of least regret...there are so many times in our lives that we have to choose between a bad decision and an even worse decision...you know that saying...the less of 2 evils...well we are all responsible for our own choices within that realm....basically, you look at all of your options and every scenario that can accompany each one of them, every consequence, every "then" choice because of the first choice that then follows.....and dont look at that choice in the present tense...but in the future tense...how will you feel about all of the consequences 1 year from now and 5 years from now.....

i totally get why you are trying to have a baby....and i totally get the sense of loss for all of it, the lost chances, the lost deams of what should have been...and i love that you are making the most of what you have now, i love that you seem to have a very realistic attitude of where your marriage is, i love that you seem very grounded within yourself...and you will need all of it because the emotions that go along with all of it are extreme...so with all that said if it makes any sense to you...i say take care of yourself, eat well, go to ic, take up some meditation and exercise..take care of your body and your mind as much as possible since the stress of all of it can be so damned overwhelming...


i too am glad vd is over....k....gotta go class is starting soon...


(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, February 17th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too understand that baby thing.

We have 4, but finding out that the affair started when I was early pregnant hurt in such a profound way that I can't even put it into words. That entire pregnancy, my son's entire infancy and most of his childhood....all now overshadowed by what he did.

He was terrible to me through most of that time, detached from the kids. Of course it all makes sense now.

I wanted another baby before I found out, but now I really do...even if some days I still can't imagine living with this man anymore. It doesn't make any sense to think about it, but not much about this makes sense.

cdnmommy, take care of you. Easier said than done, I know. (((hugs)))

As for WYE land...

I haven't talked to BPD mom in a few days, and honestly have no intention to anytime soon. I wouldn't have anything at all nice to say to her right now.

fWH just left his therapist, and I hope that he talked about some of the stuff that's been going on here lately. Things between us are mostly good, as long as I can avoid letting the thoughts about the affair take over my mind completely. He just doesn't understand how consuming it is. Which is in some ways, terrible ironic. He WAS obsessed with it for years.

Ugh.

I've been stuck on one specific sex act they did for some reason...probably because it completely disgusts me. Like, makes me sick...not just to think that he wanted to do it, but that he did it with her. I have self respect, she clearly didn't. It's just gross. Like, nasty. Like, the kind of thing only a whore would do. Or a porn star.

Barf.

I'd imagine that some of you here that are further out got stuck on things like this too....can I ask how you got past them? I feel like it's eating away at my soul.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, February 17th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd imagine that some of you here that are further out got stuck on things like this too....can I ask how you got past them?

I got stuck on the COW using her child to spend time with my family a month before she began banging Mr. STBXNell. Pissed me off more than anything else... I suppose because my Boyos and I were right there, so it felt personal to me. anyhoo. When I was still getting angry about this 18 months after DDay#1, I did several sessions of EMDR therapy. It helped. A lot. Quickly. Highly recommend IF you are ready for it. I have a friend who went through it rather soon after everything went down and said it didn't help, but he was thinking about trying it again (2 years later).


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, February 17th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

At Laura's Place.

All is OK. FWH is preparing to go to the markets this morning to sell some young FDs and FCs. I'll have a nice quiet morning at home

Sadly, the day finally came for our dear old Dalmation on Thursday. We had to call the vet to have him put to sleep. He was a great comfort to me after dday and I will miss him terribly.

Have been so busy at work and trying to stay calm and well that I haven't really taken in all I have read about each of your journeys so forgive me if I am a little out of touch.

Loved your recent post NJ.

This:

Most will say that when they got involved in the LTA they never thought they would get found out and they never thought anyone would get hurt.

....is exactly what my FWH says all the time. I often ask him "..but what were you THINKING - each time when you went off to see them?" That is the response I get. Or "I just wasn't thinking". Can't get my head around it! I also struggle with the fact that I am sure there were many times when he thought "I shouldn't" but did. Over and over and over again.

WYE

When I first joined SI miracle explained her "path of least regret" philosophy to me. It took me a little while to fully understand. When I adopted it I found it lifted an enormous weight from my shoulders. It is not an instant cure for the pain but it does help a lot.

As for "that sex act", like Nell I would highly recommend EMDR. It is spookily effective. I am not a proponent of therapies or any "new age" cures. In fact I was very sceptical. But when you are desperate you will try anything. I felt I had nothing to lose and everything to gain.

TMI/trigger warning

FWH told me that OW3 went down on him EVERY time they did it! He said that they would lie in bed talking for a while at first. Then she would say "There are better things I could be doing with my mouth" and get to work.

I then asked "Every time?" and he said yes. This really upset me for a long time. After one EMDR session of 1.5 hours it meant nothing. Truly. Absolutely nothing. I can think/write about it now and feel no emotion whatsoever. The amazing part is that the session was over a year ago and the effect hasn't worn off. My therapist said it never will.

I began EMDR about 8 months after dday. I had 7 sessions over 3 months. Each session targets a specific issue. I have no problems with those issues now. However some new issues/triggers have developed (none since dday - just more from the A years) which I would like to kill off so I may go back for more.

Hope this helps.

Love to all

Laura

[This message edited by Laura28 at 3:16 PM, February 17th (Friday)]


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, February 17th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WYE- often the OW knows that the only thing that they have going is sex....so they go all out in that department-doing things that they never would do with their own husband etc. in order to reel the married man in and to keep him coming back for more.
Many of the OW seem to have read the same book on how to have an affair...In my FWH's case that was how the MOW approached him-with a very graphic sexual come on. Amazing since all of this happened in a professional work environment.
She was not subtle at all and simply said that she wanted to s.... his c...
charming , huh?
and then she offered to fulfill any sexual fantasies that he ever had.
She was a pro at this affair stuff because she had done this all before (she had other LTAs with married co-workers).
My FWH said that it was all a part of his adolescent sexual fantasies playing out and like many fantasies-the reality did not match the fantasy.
I have a lot of emails that the MOW sent to my FWH and they are gross, graphic, and pathetic in many ways.
I was horrified when I first read them and felt like someone had punched me in the gut. I could not breathe.
I honestly did not recognize the man that wrote them because he had never written anything that crass or gross to me ....never.
ANd I went through a period of time that I felt threatened by these sexcapades.
But, later I said to myself...that there is nothing about the sick, toxic, relationship that this MOW had with my husband that I envy. I would never want that for myself, for my daughter, for anyone that I care about.
So why should I be jealous of something that is so pathetic, toxic, and unhealthy?
My FWH went to a very dark place during the LTA years. He calls it insanity and other times refers to it as having completely lost his way.
I do believe that even adults are very susceptible to peer pressure and the influence of others. And because the LTAs are big secrets there is no one that is the voice of reason. Instead they just have another toxic person egging them on and encouraging the unhealthy behavior.
I don't know if this helps you deal with the gross details but maybe it will.

I have heard from others that EMDR has worked for them.

Laura- Sorry to hear about your beautiful dog. You have had some tough things to deal with lately.
Take care.

Miracle-sending hugs

[This message edited by njgal480 at 5:32 PM, February 17th (Friday)]


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, February 17th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. I may look into EMDR. I just made our first MC appt, we've both been in IC for a while. He's on his third IC because he lied to the first one and the second one didn't force him to be honest with himself. Ugh.

It's interesting that others have said the OW was super sexually aggressive initially....that was the case here too. The way it all started was they went out to lunch (he was her boss). Other people were supposed to go too, but something else came up and it ended up just them. What does this pathetic piece of garbage ask my husband???

How many women he slept with.

Because that is a completely appropriate question to ask YOUR MARRIED BOSS WHO IS 9 YEARS OLDER THAN YOU WITH A PREGNANT WIFE.

She then proceeded to tell him she was "sad" for him that I was his only, and she'd been with lots of guys and even had a threesome.

Whore.

This....THIS is the trash he was attracted to. It makes me sick.

It sickens me that a 22 year old girl would be that sad and desperate. It sickens me more that he fell for it, played into the porno fantasy world.

Who is this guy? Shudder.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, February 17th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

njgal: yes, my fWH has been very remorseful and supportive since DDay2. As for IC, he is no longer going as we decided to start seeing his therapist for MC. However, I think his "why" is pretty straightforward. He became depressed, and instead of dealing with it he let it get to the point where he just didn't care. About anything. MOW stepped in at that point. I am not saying that she is more at fault than he was, but I do think she saw an opportunity where he was vulnerable. Of course, he also preyed on her weaknesses, like knowing that her BH was not a good communicator and being that with her. It is disappointing to me because I suffered from postpartum depression but dealt with it in a healthy way.

On the other hand, we had so many good years before the A, that I rely on that to give me hope that we can work it out. He has always been insecure of being too open for fear of how I would react, and I think he has learned how important it is to do that.

miracle...I really like that - the path of least regret. I do think that giving up on having another child would be worse than trying and being unable to, or even than having one and my marriage not working out. I try and remind myself how lucky I am to have our son.

WYE: I shudder reading about what it is like to deal with your mom. I have had a very strained relationship with my mom for most of my life. It has required a great deal of acceptance on my part not just of how she is, but also of what kind of relationship I can expect to have with her. I think the BPD must make that almost impossible for you, because I'm sure it makes her volatile and makes it hard to know what will and will not work in terms of boundaries.

Laura: I am sorry to hear about your dog. :( We are close to making this decision for our family pet, and it sucks. I do think, though, that the kindest thing we can do for our animals is to help make sure they don't suffer.

Okay, enough for now. Thanks to all of you for the welcome. :)


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1682 | Registered: Nov 2010
Godsgirl
♀ Member
Member # 27521
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tribe,

I haven't posted in a long time but I thought I come in and give an update.

SAWH and I are still separated and dealing with the fallout of continued communication with MOW behind my back concerning the possibly OC (MOW refuses to have a paternity test, I wonder why???)

We're both continuing IC and working on our separate recoveries while building new communication skills and learning to be safe with each other. I told WH that we can work on becoming friends again and then see if we should move on to a more romantic relationship. He has to court me and then ask me to marry him again. Some people think thats silly but to me it makes perfect sense. I want a new relationship/marriage.

And I can relate so well to the pain surrounding pregnancies/births/each of our babies lives being tainted by WH's A's.

All of my children were born during one of his multi A's.

And we were planning on trying for baby #5 when the latest LTA was discovered. Now the MOW claims that she gave birth to WH's son and I feel more determined to have another baby. Nothing makes sense any more I guess.

Your story about the tragic end to infidelity is another example of how WS do not think about all the possible consequences of their actions. Most will say that when they got involved in the LTA they never thought they would get found out and they never thought anyone would get hurt.
That's how they rationalized it to themselves.
Meanwhile there is all kind of horrible fallout from affairs and everyone gets hurt.

Tell it sister!!!

Ps. Laura, I'm so sorry about your dog.


Me-BS (38)
Him-SAWH (38)
4 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!


Posts: 836 | Registered: Feb 2010
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All

I enjoyed each of your post on Vday and gained valuable insights that will help my own healing.

EMDR. Highly recommended. Instead of forcing the horrible to enter my mind, EMDR therapy allowed it to the forefront and sterilized its impact. My WW was present for almost all of the sessions and she saw the monumental impact of her A. I recommend this as well. That said, my EMDR therapist saw it as the be all end all to everything and this is not true for me. For me, life is a trigger as alomost everything in life occurred during WW A.

WW - "I thought you would never know and no one would get hurt"

ats - broken phone and 5 mile walk home, I can relate!!!

Vday this year was good. I gave Mrs h&c a Hello Kitty Love Bandit shirt and she gave me a set of Love Dice. In my card to her, I listed some of the unusual VDays from our past.
- 1st; I called her on Vday to go out completely unaware it was Vday "uh, I have a date, sorry"
- 1st after M. I was working late and we were meeting friends for dinner. Great time but I did not give a card or a gift. Weeks later W clued me in as to the minimum requirements for Vday.
- gave chocolates. "are you trying to make me fat!"
- tree of thongs
- five cases of wine arranged in a heart boquet
and of course last years strained and stained one

Meet Roscoe!
IMG_8725.jpg
Roscoe is a one year old rescue dog we aquired one month after Dday. Roscoe has issues - extremely frightened of cars (possibly hit by one when he was younger). Truely a homebody. This is the third bed he has shredded in six months. Better his bed than our sofa.

Best wishes to all for the weekend and President's Day.

h&c

OK, so posting pictures is not within my skill set. Advice anyone?

[This message edited by hopeandchange at 11:04 AM, February 18th (Saturday)]


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Godsgirl, you wrote:
And I can relate so well to the pain surrounding pregnancies/births/each of our babies lives being tainted by WH's A's.

This has been really challenging for me. MOW threw us a big baby shower at fWH's office. She put a ton of effort into it, made a cake, a huge card, and organized games and gifts. This was all pre-A, but of course it enters my mind that maybe she was plotting there. Then, she is in every set of photos from every major event in DS's life up until DDay. It complicates things so much because while I have no problem purging pictures of her and her family from everything, I have not yet thrown out the card or pix of the cake. Maybe DS will never be interested in that stuff, but maybe he will, or a future spouse or kids of his will. I would like to just be able to toss it all. Maybe the fact that it is not a constant trigger to me shows that I am healing? IDK, but I do know that whenever I come across other things I've missed, like when I found the doubles from the photos of MOW's wedding, I didn't even hesitate. Threw them in the trash. (Okay, I did hesitate a little. I briefly considered whether I should burn them or take a dump on them - lol. I settled for an unceremonious trashing.)

An OC or pregnancy would honestly be the end of things. As if everything wasn't enough already, the thought that fWH could be even more careless than he was would bring my world crashing down. There are not many pieces of information that would be a deal-breaker now, but that is one.

h&c, I posted in General about my first SRT session this week (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=445151). I think the concept is similar to EMDR. I did visit an EMDR therapist for awhile, but she felt that EMDR was for acute trauma and not what I had gone through, so she just put me through another fruitless round of talk therapy. What a waste of time that was. It is too early to tell, but I am optimistic that this will help me. And, I absolutely LOVE the therapist. We really clicked, even though in the first session we never even got to what brought me there. It is part of learning the method, I think.

By the way, I can't help you with your photo posting. I haven't tried yet but doubt I'd be able to figure it out either.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1682 | Registered: Nov 2010
Godsgirl
♀ Member
Member # 27521
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, February 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cd: My reoccuring nightmare for years before I even knew about SAWH's acting was a woman showing up at my door with a child and telling me that the child was my H's. I guess I faced it so many times in my dreams that the moment WH confessed the possible OC, I thought , "well of course she's pregnant." But MOW refuses to have a paternity test and only wants my WH to see or hear about the OC in secret unless he leaves me for good and asks her to be his whatever. And at this point, I have so many other situations that cause worse pain that the OC is like hearing about another OW.

SAWH's first LTA was before, during, and after the birth of our first two little girls. The OW came to my baby shower, made a personalized baby frame for my baby girl, and came to my hospital room the day after she was born. All the time, OW called me the enemy and wanted me gone. While I was in the hospital with our second girl, SAWH brought OW over to our house while our 20 month old was there. He wanted to prove to her that we were a happy family and that he wasn't ever going to leave me. Thankfully I don't have the physical memorbilia to deal with but the memories and knowledge that OW was a part of such a beautiful and happy time in our lives just makes me sick. That is so much more painful for me than a OC.

And now I think about our youngest girl (5) and how her whole life, her Daddy has been with this MOW. What are my kids going to think of their Dad when they grow up and learn about what he did when they were born?

Also my IC/MC went through her own H's As and sex addiction and a possible OC, so the advice I get comes from personal experience.

One of the reason I'd like to have another child when we are far along in R, is because I want to know what it's like to go through a pregnancy and birth with a H who is present and healthy. I bet I won't feel so alone this time around.

choosing paths of least regret

I really like this quote!

((cd))


Me-BS (38)
Him-SAWH (38)
4 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!


Posts: 836 | Registered: Feb 2010
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi H&C

To post pics you need to upload them to a place like Photobucket.

Once there you copy the link address which appears below the pic and then insert it with after

linkaddress>

You can't upload a pic from your own computer.

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:02 AM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops

The post thought it was a picture.

You insert


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:03 AM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[/img]

after


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H7C

Sorry honey. I give up!!!! Every time I try to show you it thinks it's a picture!!!

Have a look there

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq.asp#FAQ1

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura.. thanks. I will check it out.
h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone ever made sense of it all?
The M. The A. The M and R.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My friends who have been on my same journey, I want to share with you my latest.

I have read so many books, done so much soul searching, tried many things, and tried to be a man that is desired. My struggles I have shared with you all.

Since first finding this thread, I have always tried hard to be at peace, yet a piece of me was always missing. I love this quote about happiness and I will live my life searching.

“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.” Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

And I have much happiness in my life today, but I have this inner peace that somehow eludes me.

As I now reflect on me and my choices in life, I for the most part have made many good choices. I have never been a perfect man nor do I expect to be into the future.

I have preached these things over and over to make for a healthy M. I believe all that I have said deep within my heart that all these things are things you need to do and have to be healthy.

Studies that show what people in healthy marriages do:
- Shared Spirituality
- Have a support system of other couples who strongly believe in Marriage
- Frequently Affirm each other
- Spend quality and quantity time together
- Communicate and Listen easily and well
- Approach conflict constructively as a learning experience
- Have a mutually satisfying sexual relationship
- Are open to change
- Have s sense of commitment and faithfulness to one another
- Have unity based on shared values and goals
- Have a sense of Play and humor
- Have a deep sense of Trust
- continue to experience Forgiveness
- Value service to each other

Since my dday, I have tried hard to live by each one. I have a good marriage right now. What I don’t have is a healthy M. I have now concluded that I may never have a truly healthy M with my W.

I don’t have a deep sense of trust. My M does not have mutually satisfying sexual relationship. I can only control the changes I can make, and my W does not embrace change I try and communicate to her. I cannot seem to grasp the types affirmations my W gives me, and the conflicts my W and I are not always used as learning experiences. so far, I have been unable to forgive my W while in her presents.

Within some people, it is difficult to change and do the things to make for a healthy M for all kinds of reasons. I feel like my W has not made the kind of effort to make our M healthy that I have made. Yes, she has tried, but peace has eluded my W ever since we’ve known each other. I see things that are just not enough. I have tried to do all the desirables to the best of my ability and It is just not enough. I am exhausted.

I have decided to S and see if I can eliminate my daily negative thoughts of my W’s infidelity. My own personality is compulsive. My personality has brought me both great happiness and at the same time hurt that continues. It is my hope that somehow God will find a way for my W to come home and be at peace with herself. I pray God will somehow bring me peace. Maybe I will never find it again, I just don't know. Although I am happy most all of the time, I hope this choice will bring back inner peace I once had. I know my choice will hurt many people in my family but I am confident that they will still love me.

This morning while watching the sun rise, I asked for some sign by God. As I sat at the park, two doves flew very close together in the sky. However, a third dove was following them about 20 yards back. With each change of direction the two doves took, that third dove kept following. My angels always seem to be with me.

peace be with you all.

[This message edited by trynhard at 8:42 AM, February 19th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, February 19th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H&C...
Has anyone ever made sense of it all?

No

Life is a mystery.


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
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