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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 28
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:40 AM, February 12th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Been lurking a lot lately and not posting. Have had lots on my plate at work.

Would like you all to know that I read and think of you all every day.

The blue triangles are gorgeous and the FDs and FCs continue to multiply.

Had another trip to the ER with heart problems on Thurs so am taking it easy.

Will lurk but may not post for a while. Know that I am thinking of you all.

Love you all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, February 12th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh ,Laura....Please take care of yourself.

Hope everything is OK.
I continue to keep you and everyone in the LTA tribe in my prayers.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, February 12th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura, take care and take things easy.

Love and hugs to you.
xxx


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, February 12th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

laura this came to me with your post..

That silk bed I lay felt so good
I blended in and hid so you could not see me
my pupa green in color and veins patterns was
pungent smelling when you do find me
a Fly parasitise perhaps infected
But with maturity does come a beauty
The Fast flaps patter patter your heart please don't stop
See my blue triangle exposed
A courtship perhaps
I love you


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, February 12th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know.. oh brother.. I don't care

Better than all the porn talk....


[This message edited by trynhard at 7:12 AM, February 12th (Sunday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
nofun
♀ Member
Member # 24546
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, February 12th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura please take care of yourself.

((((((Laura)))))))

(((((tribe)))))))


BS (me) 56
WH 61
M 36 yrs
OW - 55 - Howdy Doody Look Alike
3 Awesome Adult C
DD 6/7/09
LTA 12 years.
Confused: D or R???

Posts: 987 | Registered: Jun 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, February 12th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Laura)))

Take care of you.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, February 12th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura.. so sorry, trips to the ER are the worst kind. Hope you can relax and feel better.

Tribe.. so many useful thoughts and insights, thanks to all and my two cents.

Children. Mine do not know about WW A (we think) and yes, they have been affected by it in many ways. Neglect both during A by WW and post A by both WW and I due to the fallout and dealing with it. Moral grounding, WW is unable to comment on sexuality issues with them due to her own transgressions. Lack of harmony between their parents during the A. Yes, they have been impacted.

Porn. Yep, it detracts from the M in many ways including diminshed ego. I learned this lesson early - took my date to a concert and let my head swivel at all the eye candy this did not make my date feel special / important and our relationship came to a quick halt.

Death.Many ways for the survivors to deal with the passing of someone very close. One that I like comes from my Russian friends who gather informally for several days and talk about the wonderful things remembered atout the person.

Grief, sense of loss, mind movies and triggers. Amonth after DDay 2, I started EMDR therapy with my C. I went once a week for over two months. It provided an outlet for my emotions to flow (I was retrained at home due to the kids) and I was encouraged to let my mind take me wherever it chose during the treatment. Until then, I had worked to push the horrible images away not letting them into my concience because of the pain. M W was present during the therapy as an observer only and allowed her to see the sense of loss her A had caused. Whether it was "EMDR" or allowing the raw feelings to flow uninhibited, this was very effective for me. After the treatment was completed, I recall only two major triggers though there are many days when I am jusct covered with sadness.

HBing. We had a little HBing but not a great deal. On DDay 2 and the following days when major details of the A were revealed.

In h&c land, WW continues to do the right things. She is supportive and understanding when I am troubled. She initiates discussions about the A and its meaning to both of us. She goes to IC biweekly and shares her feelings. She wrote (at my request) an apology letter. It was sincere, relective and as she noted could never due justice to the horrific betrayal and pain it has caused. She talks about our future together. She has made significant changes in her behaviours towards me that are comforting, warm, and full of love. We had a marvelous liesurely breakfast together on Saturday and today.

Even with all of that it is still hard for me to relax and let all the happiness in my life fill my body, mind and soul. The cuts are many and the scars are thick. I am working on chaning this and allowing myself to feel the joy in my life I just finished reading "Not Just Friends" and found the sections on forgiveness and developing a joint understanding of the entire marriage to be helpful.

I have many wonderful things to enjoy and I intend to do so. Work has gone into overdrive and I check into SI LTA when I can which is usually on a weekend. I appreciate the insights shared and have felt them ver helpful in my healing.

Best wishes to all on your own journey.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, February 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{{{Laura}}}} I hope you are feeling better and your heart is ok. Please give us an update!!!

I've been lurking also and want to give hugs to everyone who is suffering right now. Life is hard enough without the extra truama of a LTA. So many of you are going through horrendous things like death, and illness of loved ones. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Pray for me that I can finally let go.
Mom is going to be in the Nursing Home indefinitely, and I'm trying to clean out her house. Funny, it's almost as if there was a death......

God bless you all. I'll try to come back and take notes to reply to everyone more clearly.


Posts: 1897 | Registered: Jan 2010
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, February 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((laura)))))

sending you some warm thoughts, some puppy dog hugs and many many prayers for a quick and speedy recovery to a healed in heart in more then one way!!!

(((honest)))it is an ending, and a new beginning

(((tribe)))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
jollum
♂ Member
Member # 25152
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, February 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Laura))) Hoping you feel better. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

(((Honest))) I have been through exactly what you are going through with my Mom. It is extremely hard. It's like being forced to let go of a lot of your memories without the separation of death. It is extremely painful and confusing.

H&C, I could have written your post. It helps to know I'm not alone.

(((((Tribe)))))

p.s. FWW is reading here a lot and I have lost my safe place to post but I am glad she is "hopefully" getting some idea of how devasting an LTA is. I still lurk every day and wish all of you the very best.

(eta to fix spelling)

[This message edited by jollum at 9:57 AM, February 13th (Monday)]


Posts: 269 | Registered: Aug 2009
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, February 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Laura)))))
Thinking of you, hoping you are doing well, sending up good karma/thoughts/prayers etc. for a complete recovery.

(((WYE))) just in general... for whatever is top of mind for you today. There is so much on your plate.

(((honest)))
For you as you sort through your mom's stuff and your memories... and just in general... so hard.

(((jollum)))
I hope you use the PM feature whenever you need. I know any one of us would be thrilled to hear from you more often. You are missed and thought of when you do not post.

I had a wonderful weekend with my BFF... and got asked out on a date smack-dab in the middle of it. (Of course I said "no"!) Little ego boost for Nell alongside all the fun and laughter and love. I miss my BFF but know that she's there for me at the drop of a hat.

I'm going to expand my circle of in-the-know family and friends and tell my sister about the D on Friday (she was going through a bunch of issues relating to her pregnancy and they have figured out what's wrong, so are deciding on the best course of action) and then I need to tell my other BFF (who has noticed my pulling away since DDay#1 two years ago... she's single/never married, has never liked Mr. STBXNell... so not someone to whom I felt comfortable confiding in during R but she is a wonderful friend and she is hurt by my/other BFF's excluding her... anyway, I'm hoping that glossing over the whys but telling her that I have been struggling with this M for two years and have finally decided to D will put us back on the path to being close again. I f-ing hate all this lying by ommission that Mr. STBXNell's A forced me to do.). To this point, few people know about the D. Only those who we felt *had* to know for one reason or another. But once my sister is told, I will feel okay with everyone else finding out one way or another.

That's it. Nell out.
Hugs all around.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, February 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Jollum)) Good to hear from you....hang in there.

Thanks Nell. Hope you are doing okay too, good luck with the news delivery. ((hugs))

In WYEland...still dealing with the awesome that is my life. My mom is still toxic and damaging, I just don't know if I can keep doing this anymore. She is just determined to live out the rest of her life being completely miserable and seems hell bent on making me that way too. Told her yesterday to knock it off or I will shove her further away.

Why can't I just have a normal mother?

Sigh.

My super preemie nephew was extubated over the weekend and is doing well!!!! Still on CPAP, but he's stable. So glad.

Things with fWH have been ok...mostly because I just don't have it in me to deal with it much right now. I know that tomorrow is going to be a crappy triggerfest, and I'm dreading it already.

I really hope he does something. Anything. I just want to feel special. Ugh.

Hugs to you all.


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, February 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((jollum)))

i tried to respond to you earlier today....then the computer @school lost internet just as i hit submit.....i hate when that happens.....anyways....i needed to reach out to you...like nell has said...the pm feature helps you keep this place safe...posting in the open forum...yes you will have to censure yourself...but the pm feature is awesome and because so many of us have forged such strong bonds and have come to know each others stories, that feature is a saving grace...at least it has been for me....

there was a short time when i regretted sending pfm here, and him knowing my si name....i felt i lost my safe place for naught....but i dont regret it, why...because i now have the knowledge that i DID try anything and everything....its not my fault that he didn't....so one day i will be able to look each of my kids in the eye and let them know that I DID do everything possible...not to mention i will not have the woulda, shoulda and coulda on whether or not sending him would make a difference...

and dont get me wrong...infidelity in itself is total grounds for ending a marriage....but for me i needed more having experienced it...because its not just a marriage but a family...its not just my life, but that of my kids...so i know in my heart i tried everything i could do preserve and save it....

bottom line....use the pm feature when you need, anytime you need....


(((wye)))it does suck when the people we love cannot and do not meet our expectations, even the basic ones that should be normal...


nell: i am glad you are telling more people...living with truth is SOOOOO much easier....and its awesome that you will regain a lost friendship too....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, February 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

survived V day no triggers better than i did on sunday - for some reason watching Nanny Mcphee with the kids set me off - didnt see that one coming.

Take care tribe as i know for many today is especially tough


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, February 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Thank you all so much for your concern.

Just popping in to say I am getting better.

Have realised I have to take it a little easier at work.

V day has come and gone. FWH tried hard and did OK.

For those of you just starting V day, hope the yank FWSs get it right!!!!

Have been reading daily and always think of each and every one of you.

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
let it be me
♀ Member
Member # 29103
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, February 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK ~ I get the whole Valentine's Day Debacle! First time in our 16+ years of M that fWH is planning the day (we are going to celebrate as a family w/our son)... And I'm hitting a BP cycle of irate/sad/excited/forlorn/disgusted... And it is only about 7 a.m.-ish... Gonna be a long day... Do something special for YOURSELF! Overwhelmed is my "drug of choice" my pdoc says... It is where I pull the strength to overcome... Bad cycle for me... Working on changing that... Sending thoughts and prayers for strength and a sense of peace in your storm right now...

Laura ~ Praying for a hedge of protection around you. Remember your strength comes from your heart, and not the physical one. From your spiritual heart. And that, my young padawan, is strong!

h&c ~ I get the whole "not allowing myself to feel the joy in my life"... Fear is difficult to overcome after such trauma. Not sure on your faith decisions in life but I just did a marriage simulcast at our church this weekend from MarriageToday.com... "Marriage on the Rock"... it was truly eye opening for both fWH and myself... "joint understanding of the entire marriage" was beginning to become clearer for both of us after that...

(((honest))) ~ it is like a death... it is loss of the relationship, whether they are still of this world or not... Kinda like my mother, who is dysfunctional and toxic, is alive yet I grieve over the loss of the "relationship"... it is so difficult to do while she is still here on this earth... Not sure how to find closure and process all the steps of grief, to let go...

jollum ~ you MUST have a safe place... create one for yourself! Definitely follow some of the "long timers" here and use the PM option to them... We are only human and need the encouragement and support of others to get through our struggles!

Nell ~ I respect your strength to reach out and not be held down by the burden of someone else's burden... It is not yours to bear and suffer through alone! And "asked out"??? It is always nice to be acknowledged for how FABULOUS you are, isn't it?

((((wye)))) ~ *sigh*... The age old "why can’t I"... Like I said above, grieving over the loss of a parent that is alive and 'well' is overwhelming at best. I focus on the 'well' part. My mother is not 'well' and continue to look for other mentors in my life that can provide what I lost due to my mother's dysfunctional toxic coping skills... Feel special! YOU ARE SPECIAL... fWH does not define that!

deep ~ we ARE all in this together, aren't we… safety in numbers is my mantra… knowing I'm not alone in this craziness makes it easier... I know, selfish, huh? *sigh*


(((((Tribe))))) "Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers." - Veronica A. Shoffstall


Me/BS/40~Him/fWH/42 Both in IC
MC put 'on hold' till my IC agrees
DD~07/19/10 R on hold till my IC agrees
BP1 DX 10/2011&Complex PTSD 7/1998
"There are no mistakes in tomorrow"

Posts: 337 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Eastern NC
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, February 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i power walk everyday, just about and in the same place...and this morning on valentines day i notice 2 signs today that have always been there....one i only got to read part of, which turned out to be the most important part...so what signs did i read today...

"power up your heart"
and
"break away"

AMEN to that!!!


let it be me....great advice...

nell: in catching up i forgot to mention that i thinks its awesome that you got asked out....so yay you...you go girl!!!

my dd is coooking dinner for her boyfriend tonite....me pfm and the boys will be goin out for chinese buffet letting her have the kitchen to herself...she even baked him his favorite cookies from xmas....she was happy to be my valentine today...my boys looked at me cross eyed...and 2 75ish year old men were so happy to be my valentines this morning....

celebrate your mending hearts today....(((((tribe)))))


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, February 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my neighborhood yesterday the depths of pain over an infidelity. Too think my brain was in the same place once as I reflect on my own life. To think 3 years later I can be at mostly peace and I think so many here at SI.

Real life....

Deaths may stem from dispute, affair

The Indianapolis Star Feb. 14, 2012
Indianapolis metropolitan police say an ongoing dispute that may have stemmed from an extramarital affair likely led to a late-night homicide and suicide near Geist.

The Indianapolis Metropolitan Police Department was called to the 10000 block of Courageous Drive around 3 a.m. Sunday on a report of a person shot.

When the officers arrived, they found Derek Tully, 50, inside the residence with at least one gunshot wound. Police say he was shot in front of his wife.

A second man, John Caffrey, 48, was found outside the residence with a single gunshot wound.

Both men were pronounced dead on the scene by EMS crews. No other injuries were reported.

"Investigators believe that the two victims have been mutual friends for a long period of time, and they may have been involved in an ongoing dispute," according to a news release from officer Kendale Adams, a spokesman for IMPD.

Investigators think Caffrey shot himself after first shooting Tully inside Tully's home. The Marion County Crime Lab has recovered the weapon, and the investigation is ongoing.

Peace to all today.

[This message edited by trynhard at 9:22 AM, February 14th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
Allgoodnamesgone
♀ Member
Member # 26157
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, February 14th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

celebrate your mending hearts today....(((((tribe)))))

Ditto this.
Peace & happiness to all.


Me- BS
DDay- 8/26/09
Separated after failed R effort.

Posts: 2165 | Registered: Nov 2009
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