Laura - sorry your feeling this way. I know what you mean ...my ww had it all - a husband who loved her, beautiful children who adore her, the house of her dreams with yes the white picket fence & its not enough... she has to have another womans husband ...thats so fucking important to her more than her KIDS.. damn it i hope my kids go to town on her when they grow up....she'll end up like her father ...old lonely & unloved by her kids.
TRIBE - have a wonderful new year & i truelly hope that 2012 brings you everything youve hoped for.
Me i hope the kids wake up early the next few mornings & piss her right off, because if they dont i will.my financial support of her ends at midnight 31.12 - youre on your own baby.
I wish life was easy that we never worried, always happy, always safe… but it isn’t. So I guess we just try and make a good day of it.
I love the butterflies.. I had some are once about that and stopped it. You raise butterflies he raises birds! I love it.
DP.. I wish you strenght on your plan this year. I guess it's your W's turn to feel some pain of end.
ok.. Ancient stories, we should plan this year not to be degenerate. Based on on December 21, 2012.[c] In 1957, Mayanist and astronomer Maud Worcester Makemson wrote that "the completion of a Great Period of 13 b'ak'tuns would have been of the utmost significance to the Maya". In 1966, Michael D. Coe wrote in The Maya that "there is a suggestion ... that Armageddon would overtake the degenerate peoples of the world and all creation on the final day of the 13th [b'ak'tun].
So, I'm going to try and have some fun this year! completely moral way of course!!!
[This message edited by trynhard at 7:22 AM, December 30th (Friday)]
I have had a wonderful last four weeks and holiday. Despite demands of FWW's new job, family visiting, Christmas, an expensive and unexpected car repair, life has been good. FWW is meeting my relationship needs, and I have really felt cared for. I have to accept that FWW is being honest when she says that she too feels this way. FWW and I have laughed aloud and joked with each other, she has been flirty and tactile. The normal stresses in life, especially at the holiday, have affected, but not consumed, us. FWW scheduled an extra IC on her own when she needed some help. I do not know how much of this is the result of my revisiting my books an Buddhist teachings, how much is FWW trying to “overachieve” through the holidays, or how much is our new reality after years of effort. We had periods like this over the last 2 years, so I am cautious not to declare us a success and done, but it certainly has been a pleasant last few weeks.
One of the lessons I am learning (Maslow's hierarchy of needs?) is that if FWW sustains a behavior (full honesty and not withdrawing, initiating and participating fully in sex and touching) long enough for me to believe that behavior will usually be available when I want it, then I find I can relax. I can then much better accept those periods when she is not available for me physically or emotionally. Clearly, this points to an area for more work for me, but I feel progress.
Laura, I have tendencies to become obsessed with projects and then move on like your H. This was especially true during the periods when my M was not functioning well, but still it is my nature. As an example, Christmas Eve we put some battery powered decorative lights on our bicycles to ride around and look at Christmas light displays at night. By the time the ride was over I was talking about how I could sync the bicycle lights to music like I do the display in our yard, and the day after Christmas I was at Target buying up clearance priced battery powered led lights for next year. I have also been through my farming, duck raising, brewing, and other phases. I was happy to see you write that you want for him to be happy as opposed to you want to make him happy. G = Goats? Guinea fowl?
DP: it sounds like you have found a strong place from which to chose and act on your goals. Good for you. I know you have worked hard to care for your kids and not make snap emotional responses to the raw deal your WS has served to you.
All I got instead when he came home was that I haven't been doing a good enough job as a mother and that my kids are not my priority.
This sounds a lot like projecting to me, what he feels about himself as opposed to you. He just cannot blame himself, so you get the blame. Any rational review would prove this is not a reasonable statement, so I hope you realize there is nothing reasonable or rational you can do to “prove” to him that he is wrong. A “ha ha ha, how would you know?” response seems appropriate to this sort of comment.
Hi faithful w love,
…it is not your fault, but I dont think we are going to make it.
FWW and I had many of these discussions. I think this is pretty normal thinking for both the WWS and BS the first year. FWW especially worried that she would put a lot of effort into R only to have me decide at the end I wanted to D. She had to get to a place where she realized she was working on her, not the M. As she has addressed her issues (and I work on my very few and trifling ones ), the M has sort of taken care of itself.
Nell, you are going to be such a fun date. I love your sense of humor and the balanced approach you have shown over this last year.
Hugs and a happy new year for all. Tryn, Old_Dip, nofun, allgood, UKgirl, m334455, miracle, njgal, wye, and strongish.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 8:32 AM, December 30th (Friday)]
Most/all of you might not remember me, but I was around here on the LTA board for a little while in the summer.
I just wanted to pop in and say thank you really for the support that you gave me when I really had nowhere else to go. It really means a lot.
Things are ok - recovery is slow of course, but we're still in R, and I think doing pretty ok given everything.
I'm sorry for those of you who are going through a hard time just now... really am.
Wishing you all a better 2012 xx
Is the answer goats? Or maybe gulls, gerbils, grasshoppers, grills? I can relate to all the obsessive behavior. My W is that way about many things. I think it is pretty common with BPD but not in all cases. I don't think there is a easy cure for it.
Ending the financial support of you W is a good step forward. She needs a dose of reality and you need to look after yourself.
You are always right!
It si good to hear that you have had a good past four weeks. Your hard work is paying off. Have you heard anything about the new job?
When is NPD leaving? I know you can't wait for that.
Check in more often.
Tribe. Speaking of checking in! There are some of you who are over due concerning this issue. I will not name names as you know WHO you are. SO, CHECK IN......PLEASE!!
Hugs to the tribe.
Vulnerable: I'm glad that things are going better for you. Hopefully, 2012 will be a better year,
Which brings me to what Tryn is saying about the Armegedden according to the Mayans. LOL, I feel I've lived through my own end of the world scenario!
Ats: Thank you for helping me to put things in perspective. NPD was angry because he wanted me to get a tutor for DS16 for Math and get DS13 more active in sports. Well, DS 16 made state qualifications in springboard diving on his HS swim/diving team and DS13( who has ADD) made the honor roll. This is not to mention that I actually am like a single mother taking care of everything including my mother. All NPD kept saying is that I didn't do what was important to HIM. <sigh> But, Ats, I really thank you for helping me put things in perspective.
I'm glad that things are going better for you and Mrs. Ats. I think she has turned a corner and is working on herself for herself and not to please you or anyone else. You are also letting go of your Codependent tendencies. The future looks very good!!!
Dip: When I was Christmas shopping I saw a lot of items for grilling and I kept thinking of you
DP: Does your WW know that you are stopping the financials? Have you discussed this with her before? Lawyer up and get a separation agreement in place if you can. Stay strong.
I want to thank you all again. I told my mother what the Social Worker said about her having to stay in a long term care facility. As a BPD, of course she lashed out at me and it was my fault, I told them to do it, blah blah blah. NPD was out all day and when he came home, he went straight to his computer. I felt so alone. But I thought of you guys and remembered that I do have someone at my back. I can't thank you guys enough!!!
Always right and also hot. Is all my fabulousosityness intimidating? Maybe I should tone it down a bit.
I wish you much love and peace in the new year.
Ugh, dating. I'm way to fragile for that right now. I think I'll stick to group outings and girlfriends for a while, at least until I can build up my self-esteem to a point that I don't feel like if I get all Real Nell on someone, he will run screaming in the other direction like his hair is on fire.
NASA scientists say the world won't end on 12/21. I think it should end on 12/12/12 at 12:12 (my time, of course) because that's a nice repeating number thing.
I can't tell what you mean... are you planning to leave the house on Dec. 31? Is she? Are you filing for divorce on Jan. 1? What's the scoop? I am appalled by her continuing behavior, by the way. Her actions are beneath contempt.
ummm... geese? My STBXWH is the same way with his obsessions. His is recurring though... his have-his-own-business-and-hire-people-to-do-all-the-work. I don't know if that counts as a hobby.
Mr. STBXNell started looking into rental properties, but he's just visiting his friend this week. We're status quo until mid-January when the Boyos will have been back in school for a few weeks and Christmas is behind us... the child psychologist we saw recommended we keep plans to D from them until the holidays are in the rearview mirror so they don't equate Christmas with our divorce for the rest of their lives. Makes sense.
You didn't say anthing about you. How is everything? Love ya!
Oh, I just remembered something that I need to write down... feel free to ignore it. Many moons ago (sometime after DDay#2) MR. STBXNell and I were talking about some random thing and he said, and I quote, "Well, I'm not borderline." And I asked what that meant. He had looked up BPD to see if that was his problem, and decided that's not it. I had no idea what to do with that info, so literally I just looked at him, mouth agape. It's like I stumbled into the parallel universe that is Mr. STBXNell's mind. It's weird and scary in there. Glad I'm just an occasional visitor and not a resident.
Okay, I've wasted more than enough time online. Must go party plan my butt off!
Happy New Year, all! Nell out!
Tribe. Speaking of checking in! There are some of you who are over due concerning this issue. I will not name names as you know WHO you are. SO, CHECK IN......PLEASE!!
OK Dip, yes I regularly read (and learn) but do not post often. And I can be shamed into doing the right thing so CHECKING IN
ats.. a wonderful post and thanks for sharing. This will be a topic for WW and I on consistentsy and affection.
faithful love.. I am sorry for your troubles and your pain. I second the comments made by others especially to choose R or D and work towards that objective. Otherwise, you stay in "purgatory" with lots of pain. And you do deserve lots of joy!
Happy New Year to all!!!
Yay for honest, closely followed by Nell (I think? Was there anyone else?)
Giraffes!!!! I wish. That would be fun!!
Yep she had it all and she blew it.I do actually feel sorry for her. So deluded. So stupid. Giving up her family for a POS who clearly doesn't want her long term.
You raise butterflies he raises birds! I love it.
Yes honey. It is nice. But for me it is momentary. I might average ten minutes a day on my butterflies. FWH spends hours - each day!
As for that future stuff. Do you have a chart please? I don't get it. I am feeling dumb and hoping the lack of comments by others is a case of the "Emperor's New Clothes". Or is this some yank thing that we aussies don't get? A chart or maybe even a picture might help.
So nice to hear things have been good for you lately. I know you worry about false hope but ...one day at a time.
Do your "obsessions" always or mostly take precedence over your family??? I don't think so.
Too much time and effort is put into his projects, not just doing them, but thinking and planning about them that it occupies his whole life.
Yep. You nailed it hon!
Sheesh. Your NPD FT just keeps on being a .....well FT I suppose. No make that stupid, selfish FT!!!
I hope you are starting to realise you really should NEVER listen to anything he says!
Hi honey. Welcome back. So good to hear things are going OK for you.
gulls, gerbils, grasshoppers, grills
Is all my fabulousosityness intimidating?
No pet it is endearing! Please DO NOT..... did you hear me DO NOT...... tone it down. We love it!
Yes hon, we all do what Dip tells us to
Well all from me tribe. FWH is away for the weekend and I am the keeper of the hatcher. 2 new babies this morning with more on the way. Best go check the temperature
Let me share what I wrote at about 19 months.
Mind of a failure
Too stupid I see... All my life I have struggled with my mind saying stupid... A low IQ perhaps, he has low test scores, setback in 3rd grade, to be ridiculed The F in high school, never honor, low test scores, a failure in college, for caught in some addictive stupidity... so I work and work... and I try… and work, never give up… my genes... a gift from my parents... or my brother. Then, my pride and joy, my wife, someone finally that is sweet, so sweet and nice. A savior in my life, inspiration and drive, and worked toward success, a college degree. Something to work for, my family, so proud… so beautiful I work so hard, I love my wife, Why cheat on me? my attention... almost our whole marriage a cheat, all my life was unreal. Too stupid I say... to see what she needed and wanted.. So stupid not to see... I’m blind and a fool, to allow it to go one for so long, for so long... those men in her life.. What did I miss? I missed so much love… why was I satisfied? and now I’m a low as anyone could be Because I’m stupid… yes I’m so stupid and dumb… Allowed her to take such liberty... it was with blind trust.. life lessons from God... who can you really trust in life but God... Satan entered my life… again… So God, I pray to pick me up again Give me pride for being a good man, a good person, with my new compassion toward other... Please stop my cry… heal my mind I pray... Those warm hand around my body I do remember...It’s been done before, It can be done again… Step out to risk again... Step out and live again… I want so bad but my mind is so hard to move... be smart and learn... be better, life life your way...
My grief was still in that negotiation, Bargaining, reflection stage at 19 months. It sounds like you may be in this stage too. Maybe? Can you write about exactly how you feel both good and not so good?
Let's look at you breaking up with your H… I think DUCK(I don't make this shit up) is appropriate in your case right now.
Steve Duck outlines a six-stage cycle of relationship breakup,including
1.Dissatisfaction with relationship
3.Discussion of discontents
5.Tidying up the memories
6.Recreating sense of one's own social value
Are you doing any of that? Or.. are you doing everything that you need to do in R'ing?
BTW... You are such a fascinating woman to me. I'm not sure if it's because you are an Aussie or what? What part of Australia are you from if I may ask?
[This message edited by trynhard at 5:47 PM, December 30th (Friday)]
Thanks for your thoughts.
I think a lot. I can see me in your reflections. I really think I want R. But most of all I want it to have never happened.
I go endlessly over our M. Why didn't I realise that his nastiness was more than a reaction to me? Why did I get so upset? Why did I keep trying to do/say whatever I thought would make him happy?What should I have done? How could I have prevented it? Why wasn't I enough? Why can't it all be just a bad dream?
I know in my logical head that this is nonsense but in my heart I still feel I got it wrong somehow and that I was stupid to not realise what he was doing.
SO FUCKING NAIVE!!!!
You know how you feel when you badly hurt someone and it is a total accident? Your head knows it wasn't your fault but your heart won't let you off the hook. You still feel irrational guilt. You beat yourself up - you feel terrible. Stupid!! I think it is a little like this.
So even though I KNOW I shouldn't despair or rage at him or scream at the world for the injustice of it all I can't seem to help it. The crazy part is that the WSs use this excuse. "I couldn't help it. I knew I shouldn't do it but I couldn't stop!!!"
Anyway. Some Sat morning thoughts. I think I'm just still in a muddle.
So I'll just keep on muddling along.
Have you checked out the kegel thread in General? Really a giggle. have a look.
FC baby update:
Number 3 out and chirping!!!
a six-stage cycle of relationship breakup
Honey I have no F'ing idea!!!!!
I live in northern NSW. Today it should be 90 + degrees. We should be in the middle of summer but the temps for the last few months have been more 70s. Never seen a summer like it. We have a pool and I have not been in yet!!! By now I'd be swimming 3 or 4 times a day. We have an air con. We've used it once!!!!!
Bye for now
[This message edited by Laura28 at 6:21 PM, December 30th (Friday)]
Bleah. Enough of that.
If it's Saturday morning where you are, then you'll soon be getting to the end of 2011. Good riddance. Stupid year.
Honest and I cross-posted, so can I get equal credit for guessing geese? BTW, Geese scare the crap out of me. They're so MEAN.
Your "I'm so stupid" feelings lasted a lot longer than mine. I remember saying that on DDay#1 when Mr. STBXNell told me who the COW was. I remembered her tagging along on a family bike trip and her simpering ridiculousness that whole time... I thought she was WEIRD, not that she was trying to bag my dumbass husband. How could I not have seen her actions for the desperate acts of a homewrecker-wannabe? Anger took over relatively quickly and hung on until I used EMDR to get control of it, then contempt set in. I know I'm not stupid; I know that I've done some really dumb things. Won't do those things again.
Happy New Year to you!
I finished my cleaning and my shopping for my little NYE party. Now I am enjoying a glass of wine while fixing dinner for the Boyos and me and plan to relax this evening. Tonight I feel content. I hope that feeling will last, and I hope it spreads to all my SI tribe and friends.
XOXO - Nell
Been busy (like always it seems), hardly even have time to read here let alone post.
(((Laura))) I don't have any profound words of advice even though I wish I did. Just know that we are here for you.
In WYE land...
Things with fWH are good for the most part. I was naively hoping for some grand gesture on Christmas. Didn't get it of course. Hoping that tomorrow isn't a horrible trigger filled day, though a part of me knows that it probably will be. He was here, in my house last NYE with her....gave her my ring that weekend.
I was stuck out of state with all my kids in my dying father's house, waiting for the car of be repaired so we could drive home. I may just want to kick him in the face about a million times tomorrow....hoping (again naively) for some grand gesture that may save his ass.
The baby is doing ok. He had surgery a few days ago to repair an underdeveloped valve in his heart, but it stable and seems to be better after the surgery. Frustrating because I'm not there, and any info I get is third-hand at least. I'm a detail person, and it's driving me crazy.
Mom is pretty sure I'm the worst daughter ever, and I am just done caring. I don't have the energy to devote to her.
Feeling a bit like I've been run over a truck repeatedly this year. Just not a whole lot of fight left.
Here's to hoping that tomorrow doesn't suck!
Thanks. You are new here. Hang around and you will learn that nobody pays much attention to what I say. I am like the crazy old uncle that sits in the corner talking to himself.
Geese! Well it looks like Honest and Nell outsmarted me on that one. I was sure it was goats. Goats can smell pretty bad too. Especially wet goats.
Your mother is like a emontional black hole. The more you try the more she requires. It is very draining. Thanks for the baby update. That is good news.
Tribe. It seems that there are still persons on the scene missing. So to those of you who STILL NEED TO CHECK IN and to the rest of the tribe I say I hope everyone has a happy new year and hope that things will get better in 2012.
See you all sometime next year.
Nell.. You know I love to talk about relationships these days… "failed relationships" hah! My M was a failure too. Sure a document says we are still married. Yes, my marriage relationship failed. I view it as failed because one person decided that having other relationships outside of our commitment was alright to do. It fuckn hurt like hell and I still can feel some of that hurt. I try not to lie to myself saying I did things 100% right. So I learned how to communicate better. It’s like a cycle… up and down and up. But in many ways, with all that failure, it also had a whole bunch of success mixed in. My kids are good people and will be contributors to society. We have built financial success together. So many great fun memories too. I could move on to a new relationship after all this. I still might. How about that? Fact is, every relationship that is no longer a relationship had both failure and success mixed in. Some of my relationship were strong, then weak, and then back to strong. (My Mom). Some no longer exists but only in memory. A choice by me or that other person. Some not for any reason than a switch in job… I guess my point is that in life, relationship come and go and each one will have both success and failure. I know your are talking, spouse, BF type relationship. So what, make the next one forever. Some guy is going to be very lucky to be love'n all over you.
dip.. grilled last night
[This message edited by trynhard at 10:25 AM, December 31st (Saturday)]
Laura: It seems that you, like I, are coming to a new stage in our grieving process. I think we are still both "bargaining" KWIM? Still looking at what we could have done differently. The only thing that we could have done differently is to have chosen a different partner.... But we made decisions on many factors, and that includes who were at the time and the circumstances at the time also. There is a movie called "Peggy Sue Got Married" where the main character's H cheats and she goes back in time and tries to change her choices in marrying him. But how he was at the time, the circumstances, and knowing that her kids wouldn't be born helps her realize she couldn't have chosen differently.
Nell: I hope that you stay content and have a wonderful time at your NYE party!! You are doing great!!
As for me, NPD starts telling me about a dream he had, he thinks he might die. So therefore, he starts telling me how he wants the property overseas divided between me and DS's and OW and OC's. He says I'm getting more because he owes me money.
I tried to be as business like as possible. There is nothing I can really do to change anything at this point. No lawyer here can change his will over there. NPD even went on to say about the big house over there that I can rent and I can give OW and OC's some of the money!!!!
It hurts like hell, but since I know that I must D his ass, I have to get ready for all of this.
NPD wanted to know when he last saw the doctor, so I look over my appointment book and tell him about when he was here and there, and he was surprised at how little time he spent here. He starts apologizing, He's after me again about going back overseas. Also telling me that he wants to bring OW and OC's here for a month so the OC's can get their passports. I told him that the minute he brings OW here, I'm divorcing him, but he doesn't care. This tells me everything and I have to get moving.
Sorry for the ramble. I guess if the traumatic event was over and done with and I could just go on and heal, it would be better. NPD just keeps on upping the ante, changing the info and the situation..... And with Mom and all the burden of getting her apt cleaned out and her constant needs all on my back alone....
Sorry for the rant....
MAY YOU ALL FIND PEACE AND HAPPINESS IN THE NEW YEAR!!!
off to visit with friends for a couple of days...really good "soul" warming people
My wishes for you all as 2012 approaches: May you always have the wisdom to follow your heart, the courage to believe In your dreams & the insight to trust your intuition.
Mind what you love. Mind how you are loved.