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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC Thread (BS Only) Part II
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, January 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Lisa))) And same to you! I must say we are a pretty awesome group of ladies and gentlemen here dealing with this! I always post and hope that if a BS is in anguish, that our words will help them not only with their decisions, but their feelings, emotions, etc. I know when I lurked it really helped me to read everyone's stories no matter the level of contact, fws, still ws, R, D, S, etc.

We keep a diary/journal that if the OC seeks my fwh out later, he will hopefully get some answers to his questions. It just illustrates the trials and tribulations on our end (because I'm sure the cOW will fabricate enough on her end), fwh's thought processes, etc. I did learn that on here and it has helped with our healing.

Now off to finish cleaning my house! It's still a PIT after Christmas and going back to work! I even took an extra day off this week to hopefully get everything finished up! We have our anniversary coming up soon (15 years) as well as some birthdays and Valentine's day. And then taking a financial break because now with my COM adding to the birthday/holiday/special day chaos of this end of the year we need it! I'm actually considering making a Christmas fund this year, you know put $ away every payday to pay for the holidays. I never had to do that before and a friend of mine suggested it so I'm not having to work overtime at my 2nd job to cover the holidays. Which by the way starts back up soon. I tutor college on the side for the extra cash. It's something I would've done anyway, but now it's for household $ vs. the fluff $ it would've been. I actually look forward to it, though, I enjoyed it this past semester! The college students are great, and since I am still considering teaching at the college level it's good experience. i have my name on their adjunct professor list but so far the hours don't match up with my availability during the week.

I'm also finding myself praying for snow! Where is this winter at?!? I normally despise snow, and here it is January and we have ZILCH. I was hoping to take my son snow boarding for the first time this year but it's not looking good. I do'nt like going when they are making snow because that snow is more like ice and there's no cushion when you fall.


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
onyxns
♀ New Member
Member # 32945
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, January 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know what the OC stands for with the OW, he's a "trophy"...her way of saying, I now have his baby and you don't! She couldn't wait to text me to tell me she was pregnant, she didn't wait for H to tell me!!! She had H served on a Saturday morning knowing full well our other children were home, and sure enough, my DD answered the door.
I do feel bad for the OC as his mother is psychotic and can't get over the fact that her plan failed...he stayed with me, and didn't go running when he found out about her being knocked up.

I love kids, esp babies, but in my heart, I can't accept him. I thought I could, but I can't.


me, BS - 40 yrs
him, WH - 35 yrs
married 10 yrs
dd 15
ds 9
OC born July 13, 2011

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Canada
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, January 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...her way of saying, I now have his baby and you don't! She couldn't wait to text me to tell me she was pregnant, she didn't wait for H to tell me!!!

(((onyxns)))

Same here, but she CALLED me, and had the nerve to ask if I was jealous.

Try not to let it get to you, and definitely don't let her know it got to you.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2285 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
#1survivor
♀ New Member
Member # 27296
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, January 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so frustrated with my anniversary coming up in a few weeks i am thinking about OW more then ever. I really thought with the adoption of OC done and over with i would be able to quit thinking of the cum bucket....guess not. why? I want her out of my thoughts once and for all.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Virgina
tryingtosmile
♀ Member
Member # 30979
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, January 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Onyx))
OW called me also and told me she was prego. When I told her that her baby would be calling me Momma every other weekend she flipped out and told me I was stupid. lol She wanted my life and me gone. It isn't working that way and it is eating her up.
I met OC for the first time The Monday after New Years day. I wrote about it in general. I also didn't want anything to do with OC. Her pictures made me sick when I saw them. I hated to hear her name. That being said it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. It was actually easier to see her in person than it was in photos. It is so hard to dislike a baby. She is so sweet and just wanted to be with me.
WH and I are seperated right now and I have to say I hate it. I miss him and I want my family back together. So if it means accepting this OC I guess it is what I will have to do.
I was worried people will look at me as weak and stupid but I am finding that people are doing the opposite. Even the bitches at his work have commented on how it is amazing that I am still here and that he is a jerk but that OW is just a really bad person.
OW hates that I was with OC and threw a fit when she found out.She had asked if OC had been around the boys and he said yes then she asked if OC had been around me and he said yes.WH thinks that she probably drove home just fuming about the fact we were all together as a family because that's when she started texting nasty messages to him lol.That makes me smile. WH has spent almost no time with OC since she has been born because he didn't want to hurt me more.
I believe in her mind if he spent time with OC he would want to be a family with OW and she would be with him. Well by me being there with OC and accepting her made him love me that much more and her throwing a fit about me being around OC made him dislike OW that much more.
I am still praying OC is not his but I'm never lucky. If it wasn't for bad luck I wouldn't have any luck at all. At least I know that I may get through this.
Hugs to you all

[This message edited by tryingtosmile at 9:44 AM, January 9th (Monday)]


B/S Me 37
W/S Him 37
OW Former Coworker OC born 5/11
4 DS 18,17,11,6 months

Posts: 273 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: TX
BMC0415
♀ Member
Member # 14038
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, January 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to everyone here. Even years later the repercussions are ever lasting. I want to thank IslandWahine for giving everyone the support here that I can't emotionally give right now.

I do care about you all. Right now giving up custody of the OC was the hardest thing I had to do. I thought that I was being a good mother raising them, loving them. To have have my H go back to the OW after 4 years after I accepted these children and the twins are not even his, well I can't tell you the level of disrespect I feel.

So everyone all I am going to say is PUT YOUR FAMILY FIRST!! Do what is right for you and yours. There is no wrong or right answer here. We are here to help and support you through this situation not to judge. Please keep in mind that I reposted the OC handbook on the page 4 as a reminder and info for newbies. These are just some options to help you from people who have gone thru this experience. I wish I could be more supportive, and hopefully someday soon I can be. Hugs to you all.

[This message edited by BMC0415 at 9:50 AM, January 9th (Monday)]


Me: 40+ Him: 40+
Married: 20+ years
D-Day: 3/7/07
Children: 24dd,23ds,21dd
10 yr. LTA 3OC w/OW 11,11,16 8/14/12-gave custody of twins to ex 8/16/12-DIVORCED!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Maryland
want2bok
♀ Member
Member # 19913
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, January 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't been on SI for a few days and this thread goes crazy! I wanted to chime in as well that my marriage and family comes first. That is why we waited 5 years to have C with OC. My H has wanted C for a while now, but he was worried that I wouldn't be able to accept OC and he didn't want to put me, COM or OC through that. It was most important to us to have our M back on solid ground before we introduced more havoc. Having C will make things rocky for awhile, but I am confident that we can make it through.

But that is what works for us. And that is the best that we can do.


BS - me 32
WS - him 32
3 beautiful girls - 11, 9, 7 and angel baby 7/9/10
D-Day 1/07 - 1+ yr PA
OW 35
OC born 12/06
R since 2/07 and going well

Posts: 135 | Registered: Jun 2008
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, January 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had MC tonite and we talked about us, etc. Our MC is very supportive of NC until we mend the marriage and also believes C with the OC now could be more harm than good, due to the instability of the OW. But we are consindering parting with some $ to hire a PI just to make sure the OC is fine, gather info/intel, etc. I'm going to start formally inquiring in the next few weeks. If you remember, we are certain there is something medically wrong with the OC and the OW is being totally tight lipped. We would have to go back to court again, which is time and $. At least with a PI its still $, but not our time.

Otherwise we touched on some things that have made me trigger lately and talked about the As prior to this one. I'm so mentally exhausted it made me physically exhausted. It was good to hear my fwh say he doesn't want to lose us since he came so close, and that he 100% regrets everything he has done. I do feel certain R will work, but I had to tell him for me this will take a LOT of time. I thought I was further along in my healing but turns out I'm not. When my fwh worked a little overtime the other day, it sent me heavily triggering when I couldn't get ahold of him while he was at work. He had taken his tool belt (with phone attached) off to work on some equipment, something he does all the time to fit iin a tight space. Well I panicked hardcore when he didn't text me back. I haven't done that in a long time. Prior to this A he used to lie to me that he was going to work when he was really elsewhere. So although he was genuinely working OT for our family, it made me trigger so hard I couldn't talk or even look at him for a day. He was mad that I "still haven't gotten past that" but luckily the MC reminded him that my healing will take a long time, and he will have to be supportive vs angry because my lack of trust is caused by his actions. We talked on the way home and he apologized for not being more understanding.

R is soooo exhausting. Its such a work in progress, nevermind with the added complications an OC sitch brings!

(((Everyone)))

And thank you for your kind words BMC. (((BMC)))


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, January 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((HUGS))) to everybody. R takes time, in OC situations it takes even more time.

I thought I was 100% healed. We are almost 5 years out (we are 4.5, anyway).

Christmas day I found an email address with no name attached n my FWH's email account. "Hotty(woman's name)XOXO@provider.com". CHRISTMAS DAY.

He had handed me his phone to get a phone number out of it. I snooped. He was gone when I found it. By the time he got back I had mentally signed the divorce papers. I HATED him.

Eventually, I found the origin of the address- it was spam. A bunch of spam messages sent from that address. But for those moments, I hated him.

But these moments become so few and far between, because if your FWS is doing the right things, the trust is rebuilt.

OWs mean less and less throughout the years too.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2285 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
onyxns
♀ New Member
Member # 32945
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, January 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do these women think that having a baby will make the DH leave his wife? Don't they realize how it makes them look? What do her friends say about the father (if she has any)?

This woman is so crazy, I swear she's bipolar, I feel bad for OC and his siblings in that house. She is so obsessed with my life, she named OC the same initials as my ds, gave him DH's name as a middle name...bought the same car & colour as our car...lies about driving past our house and seeing in our windows...lied about me sending her mail (I have better things to do). UGH, she's crazy! Lies about being fired from her job and that she's unemployed (on maternity leave!) Sorry, just venting.

The one thing that makes her the angriest is the fact that DH won't sign the birth certificate! We both refuse OC to have his last name, I don't want my children sharing their name with him.

So once he starts paying child support, where does this leave me if I leave him? How would a judge determine that? Has anyone left after WH started paying child support to cOW?


me, BS - 40 yrs
him, WH - 35 yrs
married 10 yrs
dd 15
ds 9
OC born July 13, 2011

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Canada
tryingtosmile
♀ Member
Member # 30979
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, January 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who knows how these nasty women think. It's a desperate attempt to hold onto someone that was never theirs. I have wondered what her friends think of her and what she has done but my guess is the truth isn't told. I'm sure they just say they were dumped by these jerks and now have a baby to care for and then complain because the dads are not in the baby's lives. Who is really going to say uhm ya I'm a skanky whore who tried to destroy lives by screwing a married man and when he had to make a decision he chose his wife even after I tried to trick and trap him. lol
I know in most states the OW can give the baby whatever name she wants regardless of a signature on the birth certificate.


B/S Me 37
W/S Him 37
OW Former Coworker OC born 5/11
4 DS 18,17,11,6 months

Posts: 273 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: TX
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, January 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

onyxns- My FWH never signed the birth certificate. Once paternity was established, I assume his name was automatically put on it.

Once paternity is established, she will likely be able to give the baby your H's name.

OW in our case not only gave OC H's name, she FORGED his signature to put his name in the announcement in the local paper. We didn't even know you needed a signature until we had my DD a year later, and FWH was out of the room when the hospital came with the paperwork. We were married, he had signed the birth certificate, and they still needed his signature in order to put his name in the announcement, they said it was law, so we knew she must have forges it, but it was too late to do anything about it.

As far as the OW's friends, I think most do not care. OW's close friends and family knew, but she tells most people FWH "left her for his ex (me) when she told him she was pregnant". In actuality, we were over a month into R, with NC, when she dropped the pregnancy bomb.

I wish I could tattoo "Sex won't make him love you, and a baby won't make him stay" on the forehead of OW, but, thanks to her newest baby-daddy, she thinks it works. Her new H was engaged to his pregnant high school sweetheart when she met and got pregnant by him, and he left, and now he is married to OW.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2285 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
tryingtosmile
♀ Member
Member # 30979
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, January 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Want2help. I think you are right about the friends. They are friends for a reason. I'm sure they don't care until the same thing happens to them. You crack me up with the tattoo. Sadly you could tattoo it all over them and they still wouldn't get it. It makes me so sad that people could be so careless and cruel with people's feelings and lives. Not only ours and our COM but also the OC.


B/S Me 37
W/S Him 37
OW Former Coworker OC born 5/11
4 DS 18,17,11,6 months

Posts: 273 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: TX
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, January 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Want2help, the cOW inour sitch told everyone @ the courthouse almost the exact same thing, my fwh left her for his wife when she told him she was pg. He actually ended it with her before her big announcement. She was telling everypne @ the court that she didn't know he was married, he lied tp her, etc. But I saw the texts she threatened to out him to me, etc so she knew about me and my son. Of course they aren't goiong to admit to being whores who sleep with married men and purposelly get knocked up to collect a check and try to keep a man whose not theirs that they met online and only knew for a few weeks...breathe...

Sorrry for errors, I wa s asleep and then woke up! Too lazy to try and fix on my phone.

(((Everyone)))


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, January 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry double post!

[This message edited by IslandWahine at 4:27 AM, January 11th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, January 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course they aren't goiong to admit to being whores who sleep with married men and purposelly get knocked up to collect a check and try to keep a man whose not theirs that they met online and only knew for a few weeks...breathe...

Exactly!

Maybe subliminal messages? "Sex won't make him love me... sex won't make him love me... A baby won't make him stay... a baby won't make him stay..."

Too bad the OW in my case "don't read it makes me fall a sleep" (according to her social networking profiles).

That is going to make her dream of Nursing School reeaall hard. At least I don't have to worry about her finding me and reading my posts.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2285 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
debi9kids
♀ Member
Member # 33208
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, January 10th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...her way of saying, I now have his baby and you don't! She couldn't wait to text me to tell me she was pregnant, she didn't wait for H to tell me!!!

(((onyxns)))
(((Want2Help)))

Same here, but she CALLED me, and had the nerve to ask if I was jealous.


Mine sent me a text while we were on vacation with all of our kids and I read it, sadly, in front of all of them.
It was a very bad and horrible day for all of us


Me: 42 Him: 41
OW: 43 (crazy stalker)
Married: 18 years, together 22
Children: 20 ds, 19dd, 18dd, 16ds, 15ds, 15ds, 12ds, twins: 7dd & 7ds
confirmed OC 3ds

Posts: 163 | Registered: Aug 2011
onyxns
♀ New Member
Member # 32945
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, January 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Want2help

Luckily in Canada, she can't legally give the baby his last name unless he signs the bc!! She can have him use it, but it's not his legal name, he automatically gets her name.

But Karma has visited, her lawyer "forgot" to register the court documents so now the court case is cancelled for Thursday! I'm sure she's just fuming :)


Mine sent me a text while we were on vacation with all of our kids and I read it, sadly, in front of all of them.
It was a very bad and horrible day for all of us

I was at school, about to write a test when the text came...surprisingly I passed the test


me, BS - 40 yrs
him, WH - 35 yrs
married 10 yrs
dd 15
ds 9
OC born July 13, 2011

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Canada
IslandWahine
♀ Member
Member # 29536
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, January 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fwh confessed to me before cOW had the chance, although she went on about how she was going to tell me, she never had the balls to call and tell me anything. He actually told me from the emergency room, he checked himself in he was that distraught. Honestly? I'm glad he told me that way because he would've ended up there anyway if he told me to my face. I'm not a violent person but I could've very easily became that person.

My fwh never signed the BC also. From what I've been told they do add the fathers on, but he didn't sign it and hasn't had to sign it. Also, from what I was told it just has his name and not his other info, like his parents name, his birthplace, etc. My COM's have that (born in the same state, different hospitals). My fwh's family has mixed feelings. They do acknowledge the OC (but never the OW), however they respect my fwh's wishes for NC because they too fear the fall-out from the cOW.

I don't think anyone realizes the far reaches this affects, not just immediate family but family further out as well.


Me: BS, 2 COM, M-14 years
FWH-finally hit rock bottom
11/09 D-day. R'ing
cOW: EVIL
OC: NC for our safety.
People say you donít know what youíve got until itís gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just thought youíd never lose it.-B.Scott

Posts: 960 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Somewhere out there....
tryingtosmile
♀ Member
Member # 30979
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, January 11th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My phone call came on a Saturday night. We were getting ready for date night.She called my home. She had gotten the number from his emergency contact form at work.She was pissed because the day prior a tiny lil chiuhahua(sp)puppy had been brought into work and needed a home and he had taken her for me. His coworkers put signs on her kennel that said for MR TTS's Amor and they were excited because they knew I would dress her up and they were making a big deal of it. Apparently she kept telling him I didn't need the puppy and why was he giving her to me and so on. He said that he turned to her and said don't worry about what I'm doing mind your own F*@#ing business and get to work. Guess that sent her over the edge. Next day I was informed she was pregnant.

I don't think anyone realizes the far reaches this affects, not just immediate family but family further out as well

So true! My SIL is the only one in his family that knows and she is devastated. She is my BFF and is disgusted with him right now. OC will probably never know WH's side of the family because we live in a different state and they won't come see her. His mother passed away 2 months ago so OC will never know her. It's just so damaging.


B/S Me 37
W/S Him 37
OW Former Coworker OC born 5/11
4 DS 18,17,11,6 months

Posts: 273 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: TX
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