I am so sorry. I still get a knot in my stomach every time I read that someone got the results back. The only thing I can tell you is the pain lessons as time goes on. There are days I still fall apart but I do have really good days too.
Your husband may be telling you what he thinks you want to hear. In time he may change his mind.
It's such a fucked up situation.
Hugs to all
It is extremely tough, whether you chose to R or not. It is a completely personal decision. The OC situation aside, would you want to reconcile? Do you feel that your fwH is willing to fight for the marriage and make amends?
I have recently sued the OW for harassment, because she continued to send texts, emails and call our house even after my H had given her notice to back off.
I have been a SAHM as well, and while I want to work, it is very difficult in our situation. We also had to fight the court recently because they put me in at an assessed income, and used the inflated net income to jack up the support amount she gets. It's good to hear that in your state, they take the COM into account first. The way they are doing it here is strictly an 'income shares' model~ splitting what he makes and what she makes to determine support...and then only after that do they consider our household at all. Truly sucks.
Looking for the rainbow after the storm
We've been waiting for her to have the adoption paperwork signed by her and her H in front of a notary, then notarized, and sent back to the attorney. I had attorney send a self addressed stamped envelope, so that OW couldn't screw that up. When Ow messaged me that they had received paperwork, I told her where to find a notary, in hopes that she wouldn't screw that up.
Well, today we found out that OW signed the paperwork, and there is a signature where the notary is supposed to sign, but no date AND NO SEAL.
It wouldn't surprise me if Ow had someone who wasn't a notary sign it, thinking she'd get away with it. She had someone forge FWH's signature on documents at the hospital, and she thinks she's sly like that. Little does she know, she's an idiot.
So the attorney sent her the paperwork back with a note to have that notary sign and date it, but in all likelihood OW will need all new paperwork.
Ugh, just another bump in the road.
I am sorry to see so many members joining, and getting dna results. But I am following your stories and here if you need advice.
Another damn day of OW BS today. fwH is supposed to pick up OC tonight at 6. He can't, because our 2nd oldest has to be at an activity 15 minutes after OC pick-up time. So fwH asked if he could pick up OC earlier and have OC ready to leave earlier on Sunday, or if she could drop him off tonight and he could drop him Sunday. She's refusing, and telling him how "order says you pick him up at 6". She has also made a habit of signing all of her emails to fwH with her and her boyfriend's name, and says that "they" chose OC's new pediatrician, and "they" signed and submitted the paperwork....yet every chance she gets, she will go on about how I am not part of anything. My H told her that her boyfriend should not be signing or deciding that stuff, as he doesn't have any legal custody of the child. She retorted that, "not picking him up at 6 is going against physical custody".
So, I guess OC doesn't visit this weekend, as I'll be damned if I would make our child miss her activity because we had to pick OC up at exactly that time. Of course, OW will sure enjoy spending the f***ing 'court ordered amount' in support money that they make sure she gets!!!!
On a side note: I was reading a column in a magazine recently, saying how it was Not OK to give someone other than the people who raised you a framed picture of yourself as a present....ever. Do you know that that is exactly what I got for Christmas from OW one year? It was a picture of her and her daughter....but she was pregnant with OC at the time! What kind of sick egomaniac does that?
It was a picture of her and her daughter....but she was pregnant with OC at the time! What kind of sick egomaniac does that?
That is very disturbing. Like, seriously.
storm~ I hope your CS hearing goes as well as it can for you. stronger~ I hope OW lapses on the paperwork.
if OW doesn't like it, she should have thought of that before having a child by a married man. It's a shitty situation for OC, but also shitty to our kids and us.
If you read back a few pages my story is in this thread and H has decided NC is best for many reasons - although the OW has TRIED to force involvement it hasn't worked. Is it selfish? Maybe. But is it selfish that these two idiots were so careless with their affair that she got pregnant? Absolutely. I'm doing what's best for MY children and not worrying about anything else. I did tell my H that if he wanted contact I wouldn't stop it, but, I'm (not so) secretly glad he's chosen NC. Is it unfair to OC? unfortunately, yes. But honestly, my children are my only concern and don't feel I need to explain myself to anyone. I hope whatever decision you make (C or NC) is the best decision for you...don't let anyone else's opinion influence yours, you have to live this life.
((HUGS)) I hope the CS hearing goes in your favour.
[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 10:33 AM, October 21st (Monday)]
She has proven that she is willing to act as a threat to my marriage, to the home and security of my children. She has proven that she will not show any regard for the harm that she causes to innocent people. I cannot, will not have her in my life or in the lives of my children in any way.
I am thinking that this is going to have to be an all or nothing kind of thing. Obviously, child support will be paid. But either it has to be absolute NC with OW/OC, or we try to get full custody of the child. I can't even imagine how we would explain to our children that they had a sibling that they could not know or love, or explain how their father could disown his own child. I can think of it like giving it up for adoption, but I don't know if our children will understand that.
Has anyone in this situation tried to get full custody of the OC? Is that even realistic, and what would that end up looking like for our family? There is no win/win here, and I am trying to minimize the psychological damage to myself and to my children.
My husband and I are in R. Our marriage is as strong as you could expect in light of all of this, but we are at least healthier than we were before and moving in a good direction.
I can think of it like giving it up for adoption, but I don't know if our children will understand that.
This is how we thought of it. OW (whom got pregnant on purpose) had many choices from the very beginning regarding the pregnancy.
1) Whether or not to take the birth control pills she had told FWH she was on.
2) Whether or not to take the Plan B pill she promised FWH she would take (because he didn't wear a condom, because, as she told me, she "never used condoms because they don't feel good inside her body". )
3) Whether to continue the pregnancy, or abort the child.
4) Whether to keep the child, or give it up for adoption.
5) Still has the choice everyday to keep the child, or give OC to us, a family member, etc.
FWH had one choice.
1) Wear a condom.
Everything else was decided for him.
The way he explained it to me was that being NC with OC (or having C) was the only choice that he got to make. He chose NC.
6 years out, and OC is now being adopted by OW's new H (also once a WS, when he met OW).
As far as getting full custody, highly unlikely. First, you will need a dna test. FWH demanded the test as soon as he was served CS papers, shortly after birth. OC was 6 months old when we got the test, 9 months old when we got the results.
My brother is currently going through the same thing (not an OC, but questionable paternity). He has been told from the attorney that by the time paternity is established, the child will be bonded by the mother, and the court will undoubtedly award him the very minimum parenting time, on a "getting to know the child" basis.
Unless the baby is born with addiction issues, I don't believe it is likely at all, which is sad.
Sorry you're going through this.
A big part of the reason my H and I decided to have contact was the same thing you said...we didn't want our kids to just find out they had a half-brother. But I had also, naively, hoped that the OW's negative behaviors would lessen over time and that she could be maturely reasoned with. I was mistaken. Now I am in the mindframe of " 6 more years of this mess..." (9 if she gets things as she threatened).
You mentioned that the OW in your case has already proven to act in the same manner. It is a tough battle either way, and it is good to hear that you have a strong united front. I wish you all the best in whatever you choose.