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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC Thread (BS Only) Part II
altered
♀ Member
Member # 25116
Angry  Posted: 6:38 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just posted in JFO. Another D day. I am angry and hurt and disappointed and don't know what to do. I am taking care of me and COM as much as I can and am trying to 180. I am putting it on WS to set up his own IC, decide what he needs to change (IC, get back in church, less female friends etc.) He did unfriend OW on facebook and has been NC.
BH knows, confronted WH about it, threatened to tell me, his job etc. When WH said I knew and we were S, BH said that it was "just between" those involved and wouldn't say anything. OW is M and has COM.
This seemed like about a weeklong A between sexting and finally meeting up. WH's boundaries are terrible and since he gets home so late and admitted he sometimes surfs porn until he goes to sleep. Maybe A was porn in the flesh? I don't know but I told WH I was not his mother or parole officer and I was not pulling his weight and mine on R. I am not giving him books to read or websites to visit or reminding him of what he needs to do. I have to see real progress before he comes home. I don't know if R is possible for us.


Married since 5/99
BS-36
WH-39
1 COM
D-Day 6/27/09
In R OC born 12/15
D-Day #2 8/19/13

I want to be the kind of woman I want my daughter to be-Jewel

Posts: 205 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Heartland
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another Dday? That's ridiculous. How can the gift of R not be appreciated? I guess it's because WS's think that if we've forgiven once we'll forgive again? I agree with implementing the 180 - he's the one that cheated, why should you do all the work.

I'm so sorry you're going through another Dday. (((HUGS)))


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and often upsets our younger children (who have special needs) with bragging and nasty behavior.

This I could not handle. Now that OC is older, if OC were to be nasty to my COM, I don't think I could have any contact. This is one of the reasons why my FWH does not want his adult DDs from his previous M around COM (they're awful).

Stranger, OW calling your inlaws is a blatant attempt to get them on "her side". You need to end this, NOW. We spoke with an attorney who offered to put in paperwork that OW was not allowed to contact FWH's family, but we declined, since we knew the inlaws were not opposed to OW's contact (and now they hang with OW exclusively, and have been completely removed from our lives). DO NOT allow the OW to play the victim to your inlaws.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
7 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2150 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Altered, I am unclear from your posts, was the A with the original OW? Or someone new? Were you actually S, or was he lying (not that it makes a difference, cheating is cheating).

I am so, so sorry. I think this is the worst nightmare for all of us here, to R and get through a freaking OC situation, adjust our lives and move on, just for another A to occur?! Unthinkable.

I wish I could hug you.

((((altered))))


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
7 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2150 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, August 22nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Altered - there's nothing I can add that Want2help hasn't already said. Want2help always has great insight and advice

Want2help - thanks - for a second I thought "maybe she really is thinking of her son" ha! I should know better, she's been playing the victim card from day 1. Luckily for me, my inlaws have sided with me and H. They want nothing to do with OW/OC. The situation does make me sad for OC...but honestly, I didn't put him in the situation and it's not up to me to make his world better. I have to worry about my kids, and for once, I don't care if I sound selfish! I can't believe your inlaws sided with OW!!! That is jawdropping and disappointing, I can't imagine why they would.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 2:56 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Luckily for me, my inlaws have sided with me and H. They want nothing to do with OW/OC.

You are fortunate (or I am perhaps INCREDIBLY unfortunate).

My MIL and SIL sided with OW. I believe for several reasons:

1) FWH and I had no COM when OC was conceived, and I think to them OC legitimized the A more than marriage legitimized FWH's and I's relationship.

2) FWH was estranged from both MIL and SIL (they are super toxic people that treat FWH like dirt, and I supported his decision to not have them in his life. They are both very "low class" people (SIL is a methamphetamine addict) and OW fits in with them perfectly. Although not a druggie, OW very much qualifies as "low class".

We are lucky that FIL, although he often sends OW money for OC (in addition to FWH's CS payments, which pisses us off), has not turned against FWH for his decision to have NC with OC.

As for how this has affected my COM, no one in FWH's family has met COM (aside from FIL, and my youngest adult stepD, ONCE). No one has ever even reached out to her. SIL emailed me once, and I emailed her pictures of COM, and she responded without even acknowledging COM, so I told her where she could go.

SIL and MIL see OC regularly (were at her birth, even). StepDs see her almost daily.

It was incredibly difficult for me at first, but the more I thought about it (and, to be honest, the more I posted here and got feedback on the behavior of my inlaws and stepDs), I almost feel like OW did me a favor. These people are TOXIC. Having them in my COM's life would have done more damage than good. OW/OC can have them. COM has a wonderful family and full support system of function, emotionally healthy people.

I hope this finds you all well.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
7 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2150 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having them in my COM's life would have done more damage than good.

From what I read it sounds like you're all better off without your in-laws.

I hope this weekend has found all those in this thread (and the rest of SI) well - my H has court in a week and a half so - this is the first time we'll see OW since Dday. Hoping, because it's a courthouse, she'll keep her distance and NOT bring OC (as a mom I think he's been exposed to enough crap and I hope she realizes that as well). Although, I wouldn't be surprised if she showed up with OC and a friend.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 10:48 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, August 24th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stronger, I wish you strength, but it doesn't sound as though you need it. We'll be on pins and needles with you.

I just slapped myself in the face. I have an alternate Facebook profile in which I correspond with OW (about the pending adoption), so I cannot block her on it. I just went to check my messages on it (it is also my "professional Facebook that I keep for school acquaintances and colleagues) and see her sow face smiling from the crowd at a very expensive local music festival.

Now, we're not poor, but there is no way with our finances we'd go throwing this kind of money away (well over $200 a ticket) on a multiple day music festival, plus camping passes, parking passes, etc. Now, mind you, we are paying all but $70 for the adoption costs and attorney fees because of OW's "plea of poverty" to the courts and our attorney, that she is unemployed, that she and her H have absolutely zero money, etc.

I know I shouldn't have looked, and I should just get over it, as long as the adoption goes on, but gosh she just makes me

I know she's not, but sometimes it just feels like she is getting off so easy, and we're the ones left with the wreckage. She is the BP oil spill of human beings.

ETA: we're in our financial situation because FWH works 3/4 time while going back to school 3/4 time to further his career. I'm currently working on my master's degree, maybe going for doctorate.

OW and her H are in theirs because neither of them have an education, he works at a gas station, and she is unemployed. They can afford to attend such events because they (and OCs) all live with her parents in a tiny apartment. All the weekend music festivals in the world aren't worth living with me or FWH's parents.

So, I'll quit whining.

[This message edited by Want2help at 11:07 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
7 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2150 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

here I am again....I just found out (through snooping not from bs) that the current ow is pregnant...I am reeling...he has not told me yet I think he is trying to convince her to terminate it. she is homeless and addicted to crack so the baby would be too...I am in a tailspin and cannot believe I am living this same hell for a second time.


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chandler - Another OC? One is bad enough, what a nightmare! ((HUGS)) The current OW is homeless and on crack? Why did H even bother with her? (Not that having an A with anyone is okay - just curious). I don't understand how WS's think - have none of them heard of a condom? My WH told me two different stories - the first one was that they didn't use a condom - the second was that it broke. While condom's DO break, I tend to believe he didn't use one at all.

Want2help - I'm in the social work field(social assistance/welfare office) and I see that crap all the time. People crying "poverty" but have new cars and all the latest EVERYTHING...it's ridiculous. It makes me sick too! (sorry had to edit - I know that there are a lot of people that need social services and honestly cannot survive without assistance, and for others it was their last resort - but there are some dishonest folks unfortunately) As for your financial sitch - it sounds like it's just for now - not forever! Good for you and H for going back to school

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 11:01 AM, August 25th (Sunday)]


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks stronger...I do not understand how ws thinks either I do not know how I am going to handle this


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Chandler))

As if going through this special type of hell one time isn't enough. I can't imagine going through it a second time. Sending strength to you.


Posts: 6145 | Registered: Dec 2010
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, August 25th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks lostfer I am going to need it


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, August 27th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chandler, I am so, so sorry.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
7 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2150 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 1:23 AM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Found out about first OC last year and he is one month younger than my DD16. Most recent D-Day was 3.28.13. He ran out if state when I caught him at OW's house. Found out on 8.16.13, the day after 22nd anniversary that WH has a secret OC with the OW where I caught him. The OC is just under a year old. I truly was not surprised and am pretty numb to the ongoing discoveries and associated heartache. What really hurts is that for a few months prior to him leaving, DD16 would make offhanded comments like, "does dad have a secret family he goes to visit when he disappears for hours?" I would tell her that was a silly question. The heartbreaking reality is that she was absolutely correct! That man needs to be castrated! How much does that POS think I can take? I am beginning to think he was on a personal quest to create as much emotional destruction as possible before I called it quits. Dissolution papers were filed last Friday and it should be done in a month. I've reached my limit.

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 1:28 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 959 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phoenix, I’m so sorry this is what you’re going through. I have no words for you, because, it’s a hard situation to be in. One OC is a nightmare, this “secret family” situation must be horrible. AND the fact that your daughter figured it out (even if she didn’t realize she figured it out) must hurt terribly. Sending you strength and hugs.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, August 28th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Phoenix)))) news on my situation...OW went into the hospital yesterday cramping and bleeding...they said they could neither confirm or deny she was having a miscarriage...something about her levels they were not going up or down. the Dr. said the only thing she could think of is that there is more than one baby and one is miscarrying and not the other...I almost fainted when I heard that...today she actually passed something so for sure one is gone now there is the question of weather or not there is another embryo. oh and did I mention she is going to jail on Friday for 5 days for a parole violation? so there.is not a follow-up until September 16. If there is another one I hope it miscarries while she is in jail this nect week


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chandler - his OW sounds like something else...whether she miscarries or not, have you decided what you want to do?


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
broken0912
♀ Member
Member # 39780
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So far in reading this, it seems that I am the only woman foolish enough to give up her right to motherhood for a man who chose to use absolutely no protection with OW for 3 yrs, but not one unprotected encounter with me.

The OW had a husband who thought he was the child's father. Obviously we were both idiots because the OC is the spitting image of my FWH. She & her husband are dark haired dark eyes. her other kids are all dk eyes, hair & skin and the new one is blonde with sleepy blue eyes and light skin. Since she was my best friend and my WH was her H's best friend, its really crazy that we (her H & I) couldn't see the remarkable resemblance.

On d-day the oc was 2.5 yrs old and by this time she had already left her XH. For years she kept waiting for my WH to "rescue" her from her miserable marriage, and when that didn't happen, she went ahead and finally left him on her own, but never gave up trying to get my WH to come around to her eventually, not until I found out.

She started doing drugs & lots of them and was stealing from people left & right, including us, her best clients, her best friends, widows, & the disabled. She soon lost her parental rights temporarily to her XH. She is now in prison and has been since Jan and will hopefully be there until at least March of 2014, so am assuming her parental rights are now permanently lost.

I told my FWH within 2 months of d-day that I was willing to fight for the OC and to have her rights permanently removed. I was willing to be a mother to the child that should have been mine in the first place. But also told him, that if he decided not to proceed with this, and the OC affected our life in ANY WAY - physically financially, discussions from her or anyone else about what he looked like or acted like, I will be gone. It is a deal breaker. I have been a step-parent to his other 3 children (who were raised with their mother) for 13 long & painful years and I will NEVER be a step parent again for anyone.

The OW's XH wants nothing to do with us, wants to hear nothing from us through other people or directly, and told us that as far as the world is concerned he is raising his own child and we need to butt out and stay out.

Which works for us, because WH did not want to fight for the oc in court for fear of having anything to do with the OW.

[This message edited by broken0912 at 10:08 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]


BS 49
WS 61
OW 31 now - 23-24 when it began
dday-9/4/12
M 13+ together 16
HIS DC: D-33,S-25,S-22
MINE: 0 -he was too old to have C at 44, but had OC at 57
LTA: EA 1-2yr then 1.5 after pa end
LTA: PA 3.5-4 yrs

Posts: 97 | Registered: Jul 2013
Chandler
♀ Member
Member # 23038
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, August 29th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stronger- I am kind of stuck right now so I cannot just up and leave. I am saving money when possible and am looking for a better job. when I save enough (I have a number in my head) or gef a job where I can sustain myself and my son I can go and never look back. I do not know if I am open to trying to R again.


ME:BS Him:WS
D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
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