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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: OC Thread (BS Only) Part II
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 8:00 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ifinallyfoundme,

If you're not in an OC situation, please do not post on this thread. It is for those in OC situations only.

Thank you.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ifinallyfoundme,

Please do not use your religion to imply that contact with the OC is the correct thing to do. This is incredibly offensive for many reasons, one being that we do not all believe in the existence of your god, so using your own religious beliefs as ammunition is uncalled for. Do not come here and throw around your opinion of your god will or will not "honor".

Secondly, you are not in an OC situation. You have no idea what any of us are going through, do not presume to, just because your husband "suspects" OW was "trying" to get pregnant. You are not in our shoes.


I am glad that it has now been clarified that no members not personally dealing with an OC situation are welcomed to post here. Rest assured that I will pm a Mod again if this happens again.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
7 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2232 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

want2help -
Please do not use your religion to imply that contact with the OC is the correct thing to do. This is incredibly offensive for many reasons, one being that we do not all believe in the existence of your god, so using your own religious beliefs as ammunition is uncalled for. Do not come here and throw around your opinion of your god will or will not "honor".

Thank you. While I am Christian as soon as ifinallyfound me spoke about God, I felt an immense amount of guilt. And I don't think that's fair. So thanks for everything you said, I'm tired of feeling guilty when I've done nothing wrong.

We went to the court to file paperwork. The OW is requesting support (Idk if I mentioned this before). The lawyer (called "duty counsel" in Canada) looked at me and said, "I've seen this before, men ignoring their children from affairs because their wives have demanded NC. Children, all children, are a blessing." Then she looks at H and says, "Your responsibility is to your FIRST child, even if you have others." So my H says, "This isn't my first child." She rolls her eyes and says, "children are a blessing."


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stronger~ Yikes on what the duty counsel said....generally the court is not supposed to make personal comments or act biased toward either party, but yet it happens often. I wish that judges/conference officers etc. would use the "put yourself in someone else's shoes" principle....how would they contend with OW/OM if the situation happened to them? Hopefully in your case the judge will see that the reason your H wasn't taking responsibility/didn't know he had a child was because the OW said her H was the father.

Update on the harassment: we got the papers yesterday that OW pled Not Guilty, so a trial is set for September 4th. Please send good thoughts...part of me is really worried that OW feels she's on a roll since both of the support hearings. With the increase, she could probably afford a lawyer. I need to have peace of mind again and not have her torment us at her whim.


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update on the harassment: we got the papers yesterday that OW pled Not Guilty, so a trial is set for September 4th. Please send good thoughts...part of me is really worried that OW feels she's on a roll since both of the support hearings. With the increase, she could probably afford a lawyer. I need to have peace of mind again and not have her torment us at her whim.

Sending positive thoughts your way and lots of ((hugs))!

I'm so tired of these OW. They play the victim SO WELL it's absolutely disgusting! As for that duty counsel lawyer, I say f*ck her. It makes me sick how people not in this situation pass SO MUCH judgement.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I have another question. My H's support hearing is in about a month. It's not the hearing just a court date to set the date for the official hearing when the judge will make his/her decision. ANYWAY...I have friends who are telling me I shouldn't go (my H wants me there for support). Friends say that this is his business and if we end up separating or D then it really has nothing to do with me. I'm still at the stage of deciding to R or not. ANYWAY...what do you think? Do I go? The OW will be there and I assume will bring the OC and a friend.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 11:02 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stronger~ Thanks for the good thoughts and the hugs. While you probably won't be allowed to go in the actual hearing room with your H, you can choose to go with your H and wait in the waiting room. H and I decided I would go as part of the "open-book, no contact that is just between him and OW" rule. There were a couple times I couldn't go (babysitter backed out) and then OW and him would talk after or before, and OW would pull the whole "he says, she says" mind games. So that further clinched my decision to go with H each time. People not in the situation will tell you that it has nothing to do with you....my whole stance is that if it affects my family and my kids, oh yes it does have something to do with me.

Another setback today: when the support was modified, it said that they had notified H's employer to modify the wage attachment. The new amount is $402 and $40 for arrears (which there shouldn't even BE any arrears)....OW already got $258 with the first check of the month. So here we were figuring that we'd have at least $800 to pay the bills and last the next two weeks....No. They again took out $258, which means she got $516 for this month, instead of $442. A $70 difference might not seem like much, but that's gas in the van, the cost of a phone card or new bookbags for our kids. I don't know if we can fight them on overpaying her for the month.

*sigh* I hate this.


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm tired of feeling guilty when I've done nothing wrong.

Me, too, stronger. Me, too.

And there have been members here who said "I understand and respect that you must have a relationship with OC, but please know that I cannot remain in the marriage if that is your choice." And you know what? That's okay, too. We were the ones who were betrayed. We are the ones who get a to make the choice regarding under what circumstances we will stay in our marriages.

"Children, all children, are a blessing."

Sorry, but this is bullshit. I am a mother, I wouldn't give my daughter up for the world, but romanticizing all pregnancies, regardless of circumstances, is idealistic and ignorant.

I've been raped. Would a pregnancy stemming from that rape have been a blessing? Absolutely not. Could I have loved a child resulting from a rape anyway? Perhaps, but that doesn't make it a "blessing".

I'm so tired of these OW. They play the victim SO WELL it's absolutely disgusting!

Yes they do, and our culture helps them into their role.


ANYWAY...what do you think? Do I go?

I would absolutely go. The mantra here is "always present a united front". If there is ANY chance whatsoever that you will R, you want to send OW the message that you are a team, and she has not driven a wedge between you (I know that she has, but she doesn't need to know that). Then, she will gloat and think she has "won", and be even more likely to keep up her antics.


Sparkle-

Once again, I am so sorry for everything you are going through. I know sometimes it just seems like "when it rains, it pours".

Definitely notify the child support agency (or whomever) that more was taken out. In the past, when this has happened, we never saw a dime back, but the surplus was applied to the arrears.

I know that $70 doesn't seem like much to some people, but like you said, that's a bill that won't be paid, and it's the principle of the matter.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
7 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2232 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Want2help - I agree with everything you said!!!

Sparkle- You're right if it affects my family it is my business!
and $70 does seem like a lot..to me anyway. That can be a bill paid, or groceries or gas or (add the many things $70 can pay for here!!) Take want2help's advice, report it. even if you don't get it back the surplus may be applied to something else.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 6:22 PM, August 15th (Thursday)]


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all...

It's been quite awhile since I've posted here. Just wanted to come in and offer some (((hugs))) and support. I see some new names, and some really tough situations that you all are going through.

The last time I posted in this forum, I was fairly new here, and I was really concerned about protecting my rights as a father, and I had a great deal of concern that OM and/or any of his family might try to cause some disruption in our lives, and most importantly, my son's life.

Good news is, all has been quiet on that end so far.

Just wanted to extend my support to all of you going through these difficult times. A lot of tough, life-long decisions have to be made in OC situations. I say "situations", because each situation is so unique.

I see some great advice going back and forth here. At the same time, have faith in yourself that you are making the right decisions when you make them. Only you are to make that judgement call.

Sending strength to each and every one of you here. Take care.


Posts: 6760 | Registered: Dec 2010
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to hear it, LosferWords. You have been a great source of advice and wisdom for me.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
7 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2232 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, and likewise, Want2help!

You and a bunch of others on this thread helped me through some pretty dire and shaky times. I sure appreciate it.


Posts: 6760 | Registered: Dec 2010
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, August 16th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A lot of tough, life-long decisions have to be made in OC situations. I say "situations", because each situation is so unique.

So true Losferwords. It's hard to know what the "right" thing to do is...and "right" is different for everybody/every situation.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've known about the OC for over 1 month (but less then 2 months) and I was wondering for those that have known about the OC for years, how long before you "accept" the fact your H has a child with the OW? I mean, I don't think that knowledge gets easier to understand but, how long before you accept it is what it is and the anger starts to fade? Some days are great and I think about OW/OC a little but other days it's all I can think about and I get so angry. I know I'll never just "get over it" but any advice as to how long before you were able to at least live with the knowledge of the OC and how you were able to get there? I'm/we're in IC and MC but I wanted advice/opinions from those that can say "I've been there."(whether there is NC or C... how did/do you deal with it?) Somedays it feels like I'll never get over it and other days it seems like we can work through all this (and as my IC said, it's still all fresh and will take time - I just wish I could bypass the 2+ years of healing and get over the pain!)

OH! If you're a BH with WW that has an OC please feel free to respond to this too!

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 9:24 AM, August 19th (Monday)]


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stronger, I think it may depend entirely upon the circumstances.

For me, I think it was when OW stopped harassing me, which was about 3 years out.

I barely feel anger over OC (much more sadness).

However, I am 6 years out, and it still pisses me off to no end that FWH had unprotected sex with OW, putting himself in this position, and potentially exposing me to STIs.


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
Surprise OC born 3/08 (NC)
7 years into successful R.
"That which can be destroyed by truth should be." -P. C. Hodgell

Posts: 2232 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally agree - it depends on circumstances etc.; thanks for sharing your own personal experience I can't begin to thank you (and sparkle - the two main members/posters I've interacted with) for all the advice/personal stories that's been shared. It has helped me immensely.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Updates: There are no more arrears, the account to date is overpaid by $70. When H asked what happens to the overpayment, the support office said that we can only do something to get the money back if the amount is more than $200. ?? Again, I just don't get it. So OW got $70 extra "fun money" that she doesn't need while our kids have to wait for extra school supplies.

H also sent a letter/complaint about the hearing at the end of July, but apparently that doesn't do anything...it just goes into the file. The person H spoke with said we either have to petition for a new support modification hearing or file with the Superior court (which costs a lot more, but H was told we can file for a hardship). So the battle wages on.....

stronger~ I realized I never really answered your earlier question about how I deal with OC. Accepting him wasn't difficult for me~ we told our children they have a half-brother and the kids were mostly happy to have the playtime and socialization. There have been issues recently though: OC has lately become very defiant, won't help out with family chores and often upsets our younger children (who have special needs) with bragging and nasty behavior.

I agree with Want2Help that it was and is more difficult for me to deal with the OC situation when OW harasses and causes added problems. Once we had gotten support lowered to $150 a month and H was able to pick up OC for custody on a regular basis, things were going pretty well. My biggest trigger is OW negativity and all the bullshit it causes (like the current hardships with the support). That's when I really get pissed off/upset etc.


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sparkle-this may be a stupid question (and you probably don't know the answer) but why isn't the $70 being applied to support for the next month? I don't understand - OW just get's it as extra money???? That's ridiculous.

And thanks for explaining how you handle the OC; I know all situations are different so I'm curious how others handled it.

**UPDATE** We've got about 2 weeks before court to set the official hearing date (for support payments) and the OW called my H's parents and said (in a voicemail because they don't answer her calls or private calls anymore) "I'm getting nowhere with BS and WH; this is unfair to my son and he deserves better." Is this a ploy to get my H to call? Does she really care about his son's relationship with my H? (I know you don't know her so it's impossible to know her motives) Sometimes I wonder - she's so manipulative I think it's all about her...could I be wrong?

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 9:29 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
sparkle76
♀ Member
Member # 13108
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stronger: Your question isn't stupid at all :) H said something about how they are putting a "freeze" on the garnishment, but I think that's only because this is one of those months where there are 3 pay periods instead of 2. So she absolutely should not get anything out of the next check. Supposedly the extra $70 just sits in the account as a credit, and if the account did get behind, then it would be applied to that balance.

It sounds to me like OW in your case is definitely up to something by trying to appeal to your in-laws. If they don't want her to call, maybe they could send her a certified notice not to contact them and take further action if she continues. As for OW personality and behaviors, no person is identical to anyone but I do think there are patterns that tend to happen more often than not. I've read through a lot of the NPD threads and that certainly seems to apply to OW (at least in our case). A lot of times when I'm steaming to myself thinking, "How could she DO that? How could she say that?!?!", it kind of helps to know that, in her mind, she actually might not realize how her words and actions are affecting.


Me~ BW 37
fWH~37
Married 14 years
6 children together and he has a son from his A
D-day #1~ May 4th, 2002
D-day #2~ June 27th, 2002
D-day of OC's paternity~ June 30th, 2004

slowly reconciling

Looking for the rainbow after the storm


Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: PA
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sparkle - thanks for all the advice. I'll also pass it along to the in-laws.

I don't like that the extra $70 sits as a credit in case of arrears, what if there's no arrears..then what? It would be nice if they thought about the fact your H has other kids (and you!) and could use that money.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
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