Thought I'd check in as it has been a while and give an update.
It been almost 7 months since dday (it certainly feels like 12 months though). WS and I are still working on things. The hardest issue I am battling (we are battling) is 'trust'. I am find that the hardest thing to accept.
We recently spent christmas with his family and while it was ok. It certainly wasnt as good as I had originally expected.
We've had a few issues with COw. She's revealed her true colours (the ones I warned the inlaws and WS about but they didn't believe me). So now she's put a stop to our contact with OC. Her reasons are because we are seeking mediation so that we can get a parenting plan in place. She doesn't want mediation and has told us that for any further contact with OC we need to go through an outfit providing supervised contact.
She's just being a plan Biarch. And it boils down to her being pissed that WS and I are doing good despite the sitch. She still wants him and seeing us in good esteem with each other makes her blood boil.
WS are having more good days than bad, but we have had some bad bad days.
I also have felt very low since leaving the inlaws too and now I am feeling quite angry towards them cause I do feel like the truly care about what this has done to me. They just expect me to get on with things as though nothing is wrong and to not do anything to affect their precious son/brother .
So while we wait for the mediators to get in contact with COw or not and give us a certificate we will try again to see OC to give her her christmas presents. If not than we will be heading to court.
ONS under the influence. No contact with OW since ONS.
OC - DNA confirmed she is WS
It does suck that we are here.
All CS court cases are done and final. OW is livid because she hasn't gotten her money (she wanted state garnishment a from payroll, fine, but as we all know the state, every state, takes their sweet ass time) CS was finally taken from H paycheck so he will not send in any money anymore, period. Not sure how his employer does it but its out of his check so done. The other nice thing is she is actually getting less per check because H gets paid 26 times a year so it's about $45 less each time, oh I feel sorry for the CS worker who will recieve that phone call from crazy.
So that all means that we really don't have much to worry about through that case anymore. She's getting her whore money and slowly because she's stupid and that's what she wanted.
Her exH is trying to sue my H for unjust enrichments and fraud. Court for dismissal on that is Jan7th. Not too concerned about that because in H and OW Paternity decree states she holds him( my H) harmless of ANY expense related to child and the situation so she would be forced in to pay the 25k he's asking BUT in their divorce decree he agreed to not seek money from her so this law suit is a waste of everyone's time and money and our lawyer assures us that it will be dismissed as this very lawsuit has been tried 2 other times (him trying to bring my H into their D as a 3rd party; denied - and him trying to enter the Paternity case and sue in that case; denied) so hopefully 2013 is a better year.
It has been a year since my world completely changed. My fwh is truly remorseful and our M is on the mend. But life never stops right. My middle child was born with a birth defect that requires major and several surgeries, well our long road to correct all this begins Jan 7th with his first on many surgeries. I have been trying to stay strong but I am tired of explaining it over and over and I finally lost it when my grandma asked me how I am doing. No one asked me that and I am so tired of being strong for everything, H mistake and being strong for our M and our kids, being strong and comforting my middle child who is very nervous, he's only 5. My mom keeps telling me "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" well WHY did he think he could throw me a child born too early spending time in the Neonatal ICU(1st born) a child born with a birth defect (2nd child) a very complicated 3rd pregnancy requiring bedrest and hospitalization and a H who took up drinking because of guilt. (He no longer drinks now) Just found out my younger brother was arrested for the first time ever for a dwi, resisting arrest and trying to comfort my mother. No one in either family knows about H biggest mistake in life and that's because if they did I fear we would be forced to remove ourselves from the family because of how my family would treat my H. All this happening in 7 years and I am only 26. We started out on rocky terms with my family but that is now water under the bridge. I have been through more than most people know and am not near done. I have lost some faith because I don't understand why God would allow such a heinous thing to happen.
Sorry. Venting. Just really ready to final close this fucked up chapter and get on with my wonderful life with my beautiful children and truly remorseful H who really is amazing man and should not be judged by a mistake that took place when he was so intoxicated.
Hope everyone has a great 2013 filled with positive and happy memories.
I am the same. I am happy we have NC with OC/OW. H says he has no feelings for the child. Was never there to bond and never wants to be. It was a drunken night that got him the OC and doesn't see it fair to force himself to love a child that he had no choice in having. Where a mother has the rights to put the child up for adoption or abortion(I don't support btw) is the mothers choice the father doesn't have a say. This OW wanted a baby and her H never wanted one. She knew exactly what she was doing. It's not fair to the child to have someone pretend to love him. This OC now has a "father" OW is engaged already and claims that he will adopt this OC. I don't see it happening because then she will lose her hooker money.
So some may see the OC as a blessing but given my stich OW my ex best friend who lied and betrayed me, who my 2 boys called "aunt" and I was even godmother to OC it was harder on me to do NC with OC because I did love OC but seeing OC was a constant reminder of how little respect both these people had for me and my children.
I am happy to say our M is getting stronger. I no longer cry and its not constantly on my mind but still comes and goes. This life we only live once and since he is truly remorseful and has showed me I can begin to trust again, I don't want to live in anger, resentment or anything negative because life is too short and I want to make it the best I can for myself my marriage and my children.
H says he has no feelings for the child.
We are NC, and my H feels the same way. He also says that he had no control over the situation (pregnancy/child support/etc.) and that he feels like this is the only decision he gets to make, and he refuses to try to force a relationship with a child that he did not, and does not, want. Also, OW is so, so terrible, that even if he did want contact, she would make it hell.
I feel sad only because I am a mother, and a daughter. I would hate to live my life knowing that my father never wanted me. Or that the person I conceived a child with did not want it. I feel sad, FOR THE OC ONLY.
However, I must admit, after many emails the OW sent me, calling me every name in the book, telling me she hopes I lay awake in bed thinking of her with my husband's baby in her baby, I told her off, how beautiful the baby was, just like my H, etc., etc., I totally rubbed her nose in it, told her look at what a dedicated father FWH is to our COM and my stepDs, YOUR child is the ONLY one he doesn't want because of YOU, you were discarded like the trash you were, and he would rather not see his own child than deal with you.
I am only sad for OC, as OC is innocent. Lots of people have tried to speak badly of my H's decision, but none of them have been in this situation. Don't feel bad that you are happy to not have contact with the OC.
As for me, I bit the bullet and finally emailed AND Facebooked OW about adoption, and that if that is what she wants done, it needs to get started (during last child support hearing-over the phone- she told my H "If you would just let (new husband) ADOPT OC, you wouldn't have to pay me anymore child support!").
We shall see how that goes. ALL communication will be going through ME.
But I'm BACK!
We are still NC--in fact the only C we had from cOW last year was when she sent an email with a pix of the OC (which my fwh deleted) and her asking why the additional $ (my husband has to part with a small % of his performance pay per the CS order) was so little. Of course it was about $. She had the nerve to tell him to have a nice summer with his family. And she got ZERO contact back. They still go fishing, even with NC.
I used to have tremendous guilt over NC. As an educator, who works in the inner city and sees children grow up with no father, I felt like such a hypocrite, like a complete ass. My fwh has chosen NC--for pretty much the same reasons. No bond, no desire, the cOW is a nutjob who would make life worse for us and the OC. She has lied to the courts so that alone makes it so we want zero to do with either of them. I had to finally realize that it's not my burden to bear, it's not my guilt to carry. The very few friends who know have been very supportive, although a little taken aback at first over the decision to NC. I honestly would've been on-board with C, after we worked on the M for awhile, but left the decision for that solely in his hands. But they have been supportive and seem to understand the reason. It's what works for our family, it's what works to keep us out of the courthouse, and I'm 100% certain it will keep the OC out of additional drama the cOW would put him thru, since she is most likely BPD. It's been VERY quiet on the cOW and I PRAY that it stays that way.
I am now starting to see that time does heal. I never thought I would feel that way. We are closer. We go to IC. We both go to MC together like clockwork. He has been devoted to the family. We have been a happy little family and honestly, the cOW/OC situation doesn't even come into play like it used to anymore. Either the cOW has found someone else to harass or she finally got the hint. Either way, it's been bliss.
I know someday I have to tell my COM, and/or the OC will be told and will seek out a relationship with my fwh. My fwh has kept a journal and plans on talking with the OC later on in life, when the cOW has less input/interference.
The $ issue sucks, but we have readjusted our lives to accomodate that monthly "bill". Now it's just a bill like the cable or the water bill. It's a bill with an end-date. I promise I will have the biggest party when that happens and everyone is invited, even the cOW!!!
I will be more diligent to be on more frequently. I did miss everyone. I had to put my head back into the M and R, and I had to step away from the internet to do so. But I do miss helping others.
[This message edited by IslandWahine at 10:13 PM, January 18th (Friday)]
I also had no COM when OC was born, and it was a different kind of pain. OW really rubbed it in, asking constantly "Are you jealous? Are you jealous that I'm carrying your H's baby, NOT you?"
Well, I got pregnant exactly one year onto R. COM is 14 months younger than OC. She has nothing to gloat over now, as H is a phenomenal father to our COM, and has no contact with OC.
Now that I know how difficult it is to be pregnant and have a baby, I can only imagine how it was for her to have to do it alone for a year (until she met her new H, who OC calls "daddy"). While we were enjoying the last year of our life without the responsibility of children, she was at home, doing it all alone.
That is what the home wrecker's life will likely be like, looking at yours, and you guys being in R, while she is at home alone with a likely fatherless child. No one to share midnight feedings with, diaper changes, big milestones, etc.
I know it is a risk. But relationships are so very very hard without it and WS had been wonderful in allowing his privacy to be open with me.
TTf - u gotta do what is going to work for the both of u. Your relationship should be no.1 priority.
Also I hear u both mention about hubby's not having feeling for child no do think this could also be a defense mechanism as while they develope feelings for the child (which is natural) it also stirs up guilt within themselves cause it reminds them of what they done. I know with WS (w (we have contact with OC) he always battles with this too. While I battle with the reminder of what he did. He battles with the reminder of his guilt ad the pain he has inflicted.
IW - am happy to hear that it's going we'll for u too between yourself and hubby. It certainly is a work in progress this reconciliation stuff.
Too the new comers I am sorry u guys are here. It is quite a journey to work through, a long, emotional roller coaster. (((Big hugs)))
From what the attorney told us it may take 4-5 years to get 50-50 custody which just seems like torture.
(((Bluestar))) My fwh and I are 100% NC but there are some of us on here who do have C and even significant C. It's a little slower on the weekends, so sit tight I'm sure someone will be on!
My fwh told me today he was extra bummed out. He will have moments where he will just get overwhelming sadness over everything that has happened. Sounds kinda crappy but it gives me reassurance that this is his rock bottom. We also know this time of year the cOW contacts and he is dreading it. He also has to take her back to court in a few months because he's almost done paying the arrears (arrears built up while we were waiting for paternity testing) and he knows she is going to pitch a fit because she will be losing over $200 a month, but if he's paid it off then he's paid it off. Bad enough that she lied about the amount and actually got an extra $1800 out of it! But we need that money!
I will be back tomorrow, hope everyone is having a good weekend (as good as we can!).
Island Whine I sent you PM last week.Could you please get back to me today if possible?
My WH feels awful for what he has done and he hates seeing me in so much pain. Unfortunately, there is nothing he can do to rewrite the past so we just have to move forward from here.
@Peace. I am actually not married yet, but when this all happened with my SO and I not only did we not have any children together, he had no children, so this was his first child. It was a VERY BIG pill to swallow, but it is possible. It has been 4 years since my DDay and we are doing very good. As a matter of fact we are going to be getting married this summer! We have come a VERY long way and the road has not been smooth by a long shot, but it is possible.
@bluestar. We have very frequent contact with my SO's child. She spends weeks at a time with us. We did experience once instance where her mother tried to keep her away, but I think she realized if she does that she has no breaks, so it only lasted for two months. But yeah, she spends alot of time with us and she is a delight. I love her dearly and she and I have a special relationship. I told myself at the beginning of this crazy journey that I was put into this child's life for a reason, so I just want to be a good role model for her and surround her with love! I had my first year of ZERO DRAMA last year! it was great! I am hoping this year is just as good, so far it has been. Her mother seems to have matured alot over the last year (she was only 18 when she had her)and doesn't do some of the childish and manipulative things she used to. Anyway, I am happy that we made the decision to have contact with her moreso for her than for us. I do definitely experience some feelings that are unique to this arrangement. Like feeling helpless when I feel there is something that is going on with the child that needs to be addressed but my SO disagrees...because I am NOT her parent and at the end of the day I have no say so what so ever in what happens in her life when she is not in my home or under my care. I know that this is a feeling that any parent that shares custody may feel, but the difference is that you feel that way and you KNOW it is true and there is nothing, you can do about it because at the end of the day you have not real rights regarding the child.
:-) Married 7/27/13 :-)