Things are going good with H and I. He is still working 2 jobs but will hopefully get to quit 1 by Oct. We miss each other. OW and BIL are still married. Neither are working regularly, just living off CS. We see OC about 1-2 times a week. He has stayed overnight twice.
Sometimes I get depressed about OC and how our life has changed. I sometimes wish for us to have another COM, but wonder if it would be fair since so much time and energy is devoted to our DD with autism. At least OC is part time sibling and everyone gets a break from sibling rivalry.
I wish I had some words of wisdom but all I can say is take care of yourselves. Think about your feelings and what you need. Sending positive thoughts your way.
While going to your FWH and saying "Choose between me and OC" would not be advised, I certainly advise sitting your husband down, telling him how you feel and that (if you decide this) the pain is too unbearable, and that if contact with OC is continued that you cannot stay in the marriage. That is being honest and true to yourself. He can decide what to do with that information (continue contact or continue marriage).
NOT telling him is not being true to yourself. Yes, OC is innocent, but so is the betrayed spouse.
Yes, OC DESERVES two parents, but BSs deserve spouses that do not betray them. No one in these situations is getting what they deserve.
Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for telling your H that you cannot be in the marriage if there is continued contact with OC. They haven't been in YOUR shoes. They cannot know YOUR heart.
Feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk.
Sometimes I feel like I am just coping with there being a OC because its the right thing to do. Accepting them as you would another child because its the right thing to do??
Mind you I haven't met this OC yet. We haven't even told his parents about the OC yet. So not only do I have to prepare to go through telling his parents. I've also got to prepare for the meeting of the OC and the OW.
Sometimes I just wonder if this is just some harsh joke that God wishes to put upon me. WS tells me that he didn't even "come in her" but far out. Somethings that was a ONS, still unprotected, he not even coming in her. And a baby still came about.
I'm just over the roller coaster of emotions. Life really does suck :(
ONS under the influence. No contact with OW since ONS.
OC - DNA confirmed she is WS
I don't have any answers, but I can tell you that I share your anger, sense of betrayal and heartache. Everyone says that time will help. I find coming to this site and sharing with others dealing with this is helpful to me. Good luck.
I hope all goes well for you this weekend. I wish I had advice but I don't. Best of luck
Thanks everyone for being so great! and hope your day is going well.
[This message edited by Masks at 4:21 PM, August 16th (Thursday)]
:-) Married 7/27/13 :-)
I am yet to met OC as is WS. I just dont know how I will feel. I have seen pictures and there are times where I gush at how cute she is.
Buy my pain is going to come when she grows up to look like her mother. I'm going to have to find a way to over look that if I am to cope with it.
I'm a bit saddest because I do look forward to meeting her, but I absolutely dread the emotions that are going to go with it :(. I think WS and I are going to need an army of support there when we do.
There is no right or wrong here. NC, C, joint custody, custody, they are all a personal decision. My journey with the OC situation is pretty much over. Last Tuesday, I gave custody of the twins to my husband and he already had custody of OC. On Thursday, my divorce was final after 24 years of marriage.
I did everything in my power to accept the OC, I even raised tehm for 5 years and treated them as my own, only to have my ex-h choose to go back to OW. At the time I made the right decision for my family. Each one of us is different. I thought I would be raising these OC until they are 18 so this was a total shock to my system.
I will tell you, you need to act as a united front no matter which way you decide to handle this. Hugs to you all, I will check back in and see how everyone is doing. One day at a time.
tryingtoforgive3, I am always thankful that I at least don't have to worry about our children wondering about her existence or how they feel about her. I've already thought about our future children asking how mommy and daddy met and us telling them when and how we met and them doing the math and wondering how his daughter came into the picture. We've talked about this (because I'm sure that day will come if we have children, when they will be old enough to wonder). He says he will just be honest about it all. But I am glad that is not something I have to worry about right now, and my heart goes out to all those that do.
To both tryingtoforgive3 and MsSassy909 I can tell you that first meeting will definitely be hard. I know when we first saw her (she was 1 month old) I went there thinking I was good, I have been preparing myself for this day for the last 10 months... but I got there and was holding back the tears, and I left there and was a mess... It was harder than I thought it would be.
My So's daughter actually looks JUST like him, which I am thankful for. So glad that she doesn't look just like her mom. *sigh*
tryingtoforgive3 what you said about him being more proud about our children together, there is no doubt in my mind that he will be. And it will be an all around proud... from the very beginning, where as with with his daughter he was definitely NOT proud during the entire pregnancy, if anything he was embarrassed. I am just happy he and I could agree on him NOT taking part in any of the prebaby stuff so that at least we can have all of that be a first for both of us and dealing with a newborn will be a first for the both of us too...
*trying to be optimistic*
Here's to an awesome day for us all... (((everyone)))
How have you all handled the OW. I don't know if I would be comfortable with WS having direct contact with her. He has no feelings for her but I do suspect she has feelings for him.
I guess we aren't going to know what happens until we get there.
My SO is a very nice guy and he would rather avoid conflict,(If I had to chose the one word to describe him it would be NICE... if I had to chose 2 words to describe him they would be TOO NICE) this has created many issues and is the reason why I would do things differently if I were given the chance. We are at a MUCH better place today, but it was hell getting here.
[This message edited by Masks at 1:05 PM, August 28th (Tuesday)]
The cOW has kept her distance, only contacting once this summer to ask why the performance pay was so much less. Well, it's extra and sometimes it's a lot, sometimes it's a little. Oh well. She tried to be "nice" asking in an email if my fwh wanted to know more about the OC, enclosed pictures (which he just deleted), and told him to enjoy his summer with his family. Wtf?! Remember, this chick is crazy so although it sounds "nice", she's fishing for info and twists our words around (and we have the documentation of this). Sad that there is 100% NC with the OC, but due to our circumstances it's what is safest for all.
I actually told my fwh that if I accept him I have to accept the OC. It's his decision to be NC and I support it. I will secretly say I'm relieved by it too to be honest. This woman has tried to make our lives a living hell so the less I have to deal with her, the better.
Just posting and running, letting everyone know I am ok. Sorry to see new members, but remember this is the best place for you to get info, support, and advise.