I hope everyone that finds themselves here had a warm and wonderful Mother's Day regardless of all of the issues that we are forced to deal with each and every day because of WHs, OW, and OC. I thought it telling that everyone fell so silent during the past week so I know many of us are struggling to deal with Mother's Day. It can now be so bittersweet when it used to be so easy and magical. While it's very difficult, I think it brings a special new meaning to Mother's Day for us survivors because we have had to endure more as Mothers and Wives than anyone else will ever comprehend or appreciate. Anyway, I hope you are all finding some peace in the midst of the messes. I think you are all amazing and strong women.
I have told my H since about 3 mo after D-day, I would support his decision either way, but I will not continue to support face to face meetings without including COM. I don't think it is fair to them and I hated lying to them. So until he is ready to come clean to the people that he needs to come clean too, he will only have phone C with OC.
While it's very difficult, I think it brings a special new meaning to Mother's Day for us survivors because we have had to endure more as Mothers and Wives than anyone else will ever comprehend or appreciate
THIS brought tears to my eyes. What a wonderful way to put everything in perspective. I really needed this because I did struggle with this Mother's Day.
We are NC with the OC because of several reasons. I told my fwh I would support his decision either way, my only stipulation being he could not visit the OC at the cOW's house (which he would never anyway). But otherwise I told him it's his mess, he needs to deal with it.
I had extreme guilt over him choosing NC. The "smaller" reason is he says he has zero bond with the OC (was not involved in any part of the pregnancy, delivery because after all, he met the cOW online and who knows who's baby that was until the paternity test), which as a mother hurts me. While he was a lousy husband, he is a stellar father to our COM and he adores them, and they adore him. So that made me feel hurt and even awkward.
However, as he said, that's something he could get over in time. The main reason why we are NC is because the cOW has proven herself to be off her rocker. She stalked and harassed my fwh for money, even tried to take him to court before the paternity test. She would always threaten to call me (but never had the balls to do it), the only contact she ever had with me was via facebook where she made a fake screenname and told me about the OC being born. She tried to get my income added three times. But that's not the main reason--the main reason is she has falsely accused BOTH of us of being threatening and hostile...and we are NC! I am an educator, and I have a lot at risk if she continues to make false allegations. She's gone as far as call MY human resources complaining about the health insurance I provide...so she has the balls to do that. She has put in court documents that we both have threatened her, degraded her...I have only sent her 2 letters in regards to the health insurance, and I have NEVER told her off (as much as I want to). She uses that poor OC for whatever she wants, my fwh and I both know she would just use him as a pawn to get into our lives as she has tried to several times now over the past few years. She told anyone and everyone (total strangers) at the courthouse that my fwh is a d*ck, he's this, he's that--all while holding the OC. Telling the OC smack about my fwh at the courthouse, in front of everyone (and again, no one cared). We know she's the type that would lie to get us in trouble. We feel it would actually be worse for the OC because she's so mentally unstable, she has already done parental alienation with him being so young. Witnessed by many!
She vowed to make our lives a living hell--she said it at the courthouse! And NO ONE cared! We know in this state that the state is on her side. We don't want any trouble...my fwh said he would talk to the OC later on in life.
I'll be back to finish later.
I'm having a lot of trouble being around my WH, which isn't helping us reconcile. Hearing him speak, looking at him, having him hug or kiss me makes me feel sick. I love him so much, but he's hurt me so badly. I am humiliated and raw and aching. For those who have come before me - how did you remain close to your WH in the immediate aftermath of receiving confirmation about the OC's paternity? Is it normal for me to feel nauseated by husband, even if I still love him?
I'm so confused and uncertain about our future together. And I wish others hadn't experienced this pain - but I am humbled to stand in your company. Please offer me any wisdom you can.
I found out the OW was pg as soon as she knew, which was pretty quick. So she was planning this. We didn't know paternity until the OC was almost 5 months old--she just wanted my fwh to accept he was his and thought my fwh wouldn't ask for a paternity test. Yea right...The day we found out my youngest was only 10 days old. I didn't have the chance to fully fall apart because I had a toddler and a newborn. That day luckily both my kids were asleep when he got the letter in the mail. I remember, it was raining and after I almost got sick to my stomach, I broke some shit and I ran outside to cry in the rain. He gave me my time and peace while he fell apart too. Afterwards, I would fall apart just a little bit at a time after my COM fell asleep. I despised my fwh, even more so once I found out how this affected us financially. I couldn't look @ him, be near him, I truly had hate in my heart for him. It almost ruined my maternity leave because of all the court stuff. She kept taking him back to court for more money.
cOW too has told my fwh she didn't want me involved...that with everything else has further pushed us to NC even more so. Nevermind I'm probably the best step parent because of my background! And I feel terrible for the OC, I was prepared to somehow include him in the family but after the cOW's actions, there is no way its safe for us. She is too dead set to ruin us, and she is unfit to coparent with. I did tell my fwh initially we needed to get us straight before we complicate with C. But that was before the complete crazy came out of her (she was crazy before, she became 100X worse after paternity). NC has its own brand of hell.
I can say time does help heal. I'm going on 3 years soon out from dday, 16 years until the cOW is permanently out of our lives (from a legal standpoint at least). We keep a journal for the OC, as well kept all the court documents, nasty texts and emails. I have put my energy on focusing on ME and the family, and working on R. Its a slowwww work in progress, but we have come a long way in what I consider to be a very short amount of time.
(((Madge))). We are here for you no matter what your decisions are . Time is going to be your ally as hard as that sounds. IC is so very important too, its good to have a private outlet to get out your raw feelings. I have said things to mine that I would never utter out loud to anyone else, and getting it out, knowing its ok to feel those emotions, and being reminded that we are human, we have been hurt to our core...it has been incredibly helpful.
Take time out for yourself. Remember you are a good person in a crappy situation. (((Madge and everyone)))
Also wanted to bump up for someone new in JFO. It always breaks my heart to see more of us--it's so much more common than we would wish. But it's great to have folks who understand and who care and who can give a lending ear and support.
Disrespected666 - thank you for bumping.
I only wish I didn't have to come in here. But here I am
Mixed bag of emotions. Asking why. Exactly as Sage. Why do I have to face this, haven't I had enough challenges in my life so far. Haven't my kids endured enough.
I hate him for doing this. I hate that I yet again have to work through emotions. And not the normal one or two emotions a day. I now have to deal with a million emotions a day.
As much as I hate him, I love him too. But I don't feel he deserves my love, I don't think he deserves to hear me say I love you. But I need him too. I need his comfort, I need him to say that it will all be OK.
I have come to terms with the fact that our relationship will never be same. That the relationship we had for the last two years feels non-existant. That if we are to move on, we are going to have to start from scratch and establish a new relationship.
Can I do that but. I don't know :(.
ONS under the influence. No contact with OW since ONS.
OC - DNA confirmed she is WS
WS is still to come to term with the idea that he maybe a dad. He is wanting a paternity test first. And I think we need this time to work out where we are going. He is in no state to even contemplate seeing or dealing with the emotions of having a child.
She has blocked him on facebook so he can't see any pictures. I however am not and I have messaged her and she was pretty good with her response for my question asking if it only happened once.
They have had encounters previously before we started our relationship. But I needed to find out if anything else had happened during the two years we've been together.
Everyday I go and have a look to see if she's put up any new pictures of the baby.
I'm suprised by the mixture of emotions I feel when I see them. There is hurt from what he has done. But when I see the baby I gush as well over the thought that this is a little 'him'.
Maybe this is eased by the fact that I already have kids and while we had discussed having a child together late down the track, I was also slightly hesitant as I was happy with my two.
He has had to accept that my two (as much as he loves them) aren't his and have an active relationship with their dad. So he has to witness that bond they have with their dad that he would love to have but knows it wouldn't be the same.
I don't know if it's this that allows me to feel compassion towards his "mayby" baby. She is beautiful though , how can I say that???
Why do I seem to be coping OK with the idea of there being a child. Why am I not rampant and what to kick and hit everything.
Dont worry I am rampant and want to kick and hit everything but not because of the baby. I want to because of his actions towards me.
The emotions are a rollercoaster. All of us see the OC as an innocent little person who didn't ask for this mess. It's the pain of the betrayal, and for some it's hard to disconnect that the OC is a reminder of that betrayal. And then there is the OW. The impossible to deal with OW.
You know, the $ part of the OC situation actually bothers me 1000X more than the fact there is an OC. I wondered why I felt like that as well--I mean shouldn't I be pisssed that my fwh had an OC? Instead I'm pissed over the financial hit this took vs. the emotional! Maybe a part of me felt that ultimately this would happen since my fwh had had multiple As previous to this one. I have wondered if I was losing it many times!!!
It's ok to feel whatever it is your feeling now, even if it's a jumble of emotions and lots of high/low. This process takes time. You may find once paternity is confirmed you will feel different, you may find you feel the same, you may find you don't feel any of the above! And that's ok too.
And trust me, I still want to do lots of kicking and ranting and punching, even almost 3 years out from dday! I actually channeled it into becoming a minor work-a-holic instead...not exactly the best thing either, but it sure beat busting up pillows! Plus it pays better!
What I found is that I coped VERY well with everything while the cOW was pg. Almost what seemed too well. When the the paternity test came back with a big fat positive, though...all that wonderful coping went right out the window. It's still hard and I'm still trying to cope, even if I've come a long way, thousands of miles.
One thing I will say is be VERY careful with the OW. I am paranoid, but she blocked your SO but not you. Could be an oversight, or could be she may not have good intentions and that was intentional. Just keep your guard up, keep your feelings, family, (and sanity) safe. Their mindset can change also when paternity is discovered as well.
Thanks for letting me know how you felt. It's kinda good to see my emotions are no abnormal. Also, we don't seem to dis-similar. I too was most livid about the $$$$ as my partner is in a very good paying job which means very good child support :S. At least this year wont be as bad as they work of previous financial year's income. However next financial year as they have just received a massive pay rise will be a different story. The year after not too bad because they will then take into consideration that I also have two kids that depend on him financially. But still it is a big chunk.
As far as the paternity testing. I'm not sure much will change as I already have a strong feeling that it is his and am running on the proviso that it is. I've seen the photo's. So my surprise will be if it comes back negative. But I don't think so.
With her blocking him. He told me he said horrible things to her when she told him she was pregnant. So maybe this could be why she has blocked him??? I don't know. I am cautious of her as she seems bit of a skank to me. His mate who also had a few 'dealings' with her has confirmed this as well. But I showed WS mate the pictures of the baby and he's with me on believing it is WS's??
Tonight I am off to my GF's to have a cry and have someone there for me outside of WS. I haven't told my mum. I want to but I'm still not sure of when I should.
So I wanted to ask othets who have been where I am now. How did you take the not knowing if it was your H's kid? When you found out what did you do, what changed what with your M? How did you handle things.
The waiting is INCREDIBLY hard. Your mind wanders, you wonder, you day-nightmare, etc. I tried my best to just focus on the here and now, and worry about paternity later when it was relevant. We found out paternity when the OC was 5 months old; we would've found out soooner but the cOW wanted my fwh to assume responsibility with NO test, and he told her to kick rocks and file. Finding out paternity made everything "real" and final. IT was a mix of emotions--a part of me was "relieved" to just finally KNOW yes or no, the other part of me was completely sickened and mortified. The rest of me was hurt to my core.
We are still handling things, with NC with the cOW and OC (long story short, the cOW is a liar who has lied that we have threatened and been hostile to her which we have NOT, and she has already lied to the courts/lawyers about it, so for our safety and to avoid more false claims, we have NC); we are each in IC, we go to MC. It's truly a work in progress. Time helps to heal the wound, but it's a wound that never really goes away.
(((B_A))). Has there been a confirmation of pregnancy (other than her words?)? Keep everything NC and strictly business, and demand a paternity test prior to anytyhing. No $ to exchange hands, no signing of documents, etc. without a DNA FIRST.
We are here for you.
OC's bday came and went, with NC! So far so good! Hoping the cOW has gotten the hint since we hauled her to court last year for harassment. Although we lost, I'm thinking she got the hint. Hallejulah!!! The triggering sucked, at least not as bad as last year, though. Time has helped, that's for sure.
The Rielle Hunter crap has been getting me all upset, though. I hate that woman because the cOW is EXACTLY like her--nuts, narcissistic to the nth degree, uses the child, etc. So it sickens me to read and to know she has a book AND is being interviewed, and making money off of her "fame" of being a side-piece that got knocked up.
And SO insanely sad that the OC will have to grow up and know all that is out there for the world to see So DAMN SELFISH!!! And the COM...to have to live thru this again...makes me so insanely sad that these 2 people made such poor and hurtful choices.
In regards to the OC we haven't heard anything yet. We're pretty just waiting to get a call for WS to have a DNA if mOC really wants to seek child support.
We have planned a weekend away this weekend. Just us two for his bday. We are using it to reconnect. I am looking forward to it and I feel I owe it to us to out what's happened out of mind for a couple of days so we can really focus on US.