The state I'm in goes up to 21 if the child still lives with the OW and is 100% dependant--so in other words if the OC wants to just live at home without going to schoo, work, etc. between the ages of 18-21, the OW can petition the courts for that. However, from case law that I have read, it seems to mostly affect divorce cases vs. out-of-wedlock cases. I hope so! We work with a father's rights group that is trying to get it to just completely end at 18 unless there are special circumstances, and it would be on a case-by-case basis.
Use the guidelines to your advantage.
Good luck and you can always PM me...I know how it feels to be in an anti-noncustodial parent state...
[This message edited by IslandWahine at 7:50 PM, February 29th (Wednesday)]
On the CS issue, I don't have to prove how the money was spent, but I do keep all receipts that I can that are things paid for for my COM. NOT counting shelter costs, food and clothing, I have over $7,000 in receipts for my COM for 2011. I know if my exWH asked for proof, it would actually make him look bad once I calculated in his portion of the shelter costs which would add another $8K or so. So, just be careful what you ask for. Best not to dwell on an area that is likely to NEVER change, at least in our lifetimes. But...vent away!
[This message edited by debbysbaby at 8:48 PM, February 28th (Tuesday)]
As far as her accounting for it, she doesn't have wiggle room after the CS pays ALL of her rent, utilities, some food (she gets food stamps and wic also), etc. I think what pisses me off is that my fwh IS maintaining 2 households since she doesn't work. Its why we know and understand now this was a plot to pay her bills.
The good thing with the new guidelines for our state is that if she ever goes back to work, daycare is deducted from her earnings and she would qualify for state vouchers vs. My fwh paying half. We haven't come across anything as far as activities/etc, but that's NOT in the court order, she would have to try to petition for it. Since my fwh has to pay a % of his performance pay as additional support, that can be argued to cover any additional expenses the cOW comes up with. I personally don't need an accounting of every dollar, but I don't think its fair she isn't paying ANYTHING for this OC when both parents are supposed to be financially responsible. Also, she was a heavy smoker (not sure now) and where we live cigarettes are almost $10 a pack. I hate to think of the OC already living on the poverty line (only because the cOW won't work) and that $ going to fund cOW's habits vs. Going to help him have a better life. she miscalculated the date of when she got CS one time next and bugged the hell out of us for $ for food and diapers!
I do have to agree with debby, you don't want to have to put yourself in a position to fork out more $. I am already dreading remod because we know she most likely still won't be working, we are going to try to have income imputed, she knows it, and she will try to make it up some other way. The judge was already pissed she wasn't working (her claims of not being able to find a job are BS...in our area the economy isn't too bad and there are lots of smaller jobs to at least get her some income).
The other good thing about our state is that our COM did count first, which made the OW's CS less (which enrages her).
Hang in there everyone...
[This message edited by IslandWahine at 8:22 PM, February 29th (Wednesday)]
I will say, do whatever you think is right to protect yourself and your family in this situation. Whatever that works out to be in your circumstances. I invite you to read my story and see how even the best intentions can come back and bite you for years to come. Again there is not right or wrong in this situation and people who have not dealt with it will try and convince you that there is. Please, please protect yourself and make decisions based on what you can live with. It took me a long time to learn that my COM and myself, our family comes first. I do not regret for one moment what I tried to do for the OC and I hope they remember the sacrifices that were made on their behalf. I pray that I gave them a good foundation to grow and be responsible people. I pray that all of us here do not have to endure more pain and that we get to some level of peace. Hugs to you all.
[This message edited by BMC0415 at 4:44 PM, March 4th (Sunday)]
I am so sorry for everything you are going through at the hands of your WH and OW. It enrages me how much you have sacrificed to end up in this situation. You, of all people, do not deserve this.
Edited to add.. Last night after letting him stay at our house but to sleep on the bed he came home around 8pm and I asked where he had been. He went to see them at the hospital for the 3rd time since Sunday! That was it, my breaking point.. I never deserved this.. I felt like he was choosing them over me and our daughter.. it is so painful to feel this and I'm so angry.. I think about them in the room him holding their "supposed" baby and her thinking he'll be with her and they can be a happy family. I hate what he's done, I hate them both for doing this to me and my daughter.. I'm just in a really bad place right now.. He came home to sleep on the couch sometime last night after I kicked him out he probably went to see her and the baby again.. wouldn't surprise me. I told him he can be with what he chose and he's not sleeping on my couch again.. My heart is shattered.
[This message edited by sage1000 at 12:16 PM, March 6th (Tuesday)]
I am so sorry that you are going thru this, but you know you are seeing a preview of what your future would be like if this is indeed an OC situation that your are dealing with. Hugs to you.
Sad to see so many new people on here!!!
Wishing for all of you on here to find the wisdom you need to help you through this tragic time, and the uncertainity the future brings..
My situation was changed from the "SO CALLED NORM" with the OW/OC but it really doesn't make the hurt any less, or the thoughts of what I went through any less :( Sorry for the bleak outcome.
Just wanted to let you know you all are still in my prayers every night
(((dreamer))) It's good to hear from you. I hope all is well for you. You know you are always welcome here!
Everyone's stories helped me get thru the darkest of times. I honestly don't know how things would've ended up or how I would've gotten thru this all had I not found strength from everyone else here. It showed me and taught me everything I needed to know to make R work and what to do if it doesn't...I am incredibly thankful for the love everyone shows here. No matter what you decide, we all respect that your decision is your decision. You are always safe here.
The whole family court system is SO state-specific. In other words, the laws/regulations/guidelines vary so much from state to state it's very difficult to really compare. I can say the WORST states are CA, NY, NJ, and MA. I think if your lawyer really reminds the courts not only of your fwh's obligation to your COM, but the fact that your special needs child is unable to attend the school he needs because of the CS, that may help. It may not because a judge can and will totally block the COM out and only focus on the OC as the only child in need (terrible, I know). It sometimes boils down to the judge. We got one that is incredibly pro-mother it's blatantly obvious in the courtroom. The OW acted like a complete gold-digging idiot and he did nothing to really stop her or encourage her to get off of her lazy ass to provide better for the OC. He was only more than willing to throw the book at my fwh, with a few little things thrown in to make him not really look as biased as we know he is. We went back and researched some of his public cases (good to do beforehand if you can) and eek, very pro-custodial parent.
I don't think courts are prepared for these types of cases--the whole OC thing, although they are more common than we think. THey are treated as child born out of wedlock cases, which they are, but since the father is already married with COM who also depend on him, the courts can't really leave them out of the equation them...although they do. Again, we got lucky that the courts recognized our COM first and based the OC's order AFTER our COM were taken into consideration. However the award was still so high that it has had a significant impact on our family--plus the fact that the OW doesn't work and isn't forced to work OR had income imputed on her.
I wish I had the chance to go to court with my fwh. If anything, to remind the judge that my fwh DID have a family out there that also depended on him. But my youngest was only a couple months old and not yet ready to be left with a sitter, plus I am breastfeeding and there's no way I would've made it all day without either nursing or pumping (I had major overproduction with both of my children). THen when he had to go to court later, I had zero time off because I used it all for my maternity leave, we couldn't afford for me to miss a day of work. The time after that? It was my older COM's first day of school and I was damned if both my fwh and I missed it. It's like the gods intervened and stopped me, which may have been a good thing because I was heated and would've displayed the most intense passive/aggressiveness I had in my arsenal! The next time he has to go to court though I WILL BE THERE, and lucky enough it's been long enough that my rage has died down.
I would say get a lawyer that is experienced in father's rights--DEFINITELY go in with a lawyer. To really get everything set up and going you really want someone who knows the law as much as possible, and a father's rights lawyer knows the guidelines and how they can best help the father. The first time around we did NOT, and we are paying dearly for it. Our lawyer now is really really good though. If you can find a lawyer who has done cases like this before, even better.
And although others may disagree or make you feel bad about it...don't feel bad about making YOUR family first if that is what is in your heart and the decision you want to make. I have had to learn to detach myself from the whole OW/OC/FWH triangle of shit and realize the only important people in my life are my fwh and my own children. I refuse to allow anyone else to take up free rent in my head and cause me so much grief. Perhaps if we were dealing with someone reasonable things could be different or better for the OC, but we are not.
Remember, if the OW can't have your husband, she will most certainly try to have his pocketbook to the full extent. They know to really hurt you and hit you, it's the best place to do it. In our case, the OC is treated ok (at least we hope so) because he is the meal ticket so of course he has to be ok. TRUST me when I say that the OW is NOT looking out for your COM, in fact they would rather your COM be out of the way when it comes to $$$ because it gives them a bigger piece of the pie and makes them feel more "relevant". So YOU have to look out for your COM and put them first.
(((rayofhope))) You will find some good stories here. There are lots of families who do have C with the OC and found a way to make it work, while having safe boundaries with the OW. There are also lots that are also NC with the OC for various reasons that are what's best for the families, and many times the OC too believe it or not. I wouldn't say there are "happy" endings, more like "do-able".
Health Insurance remains an unresolved issue- OW has insurance on herself but did not add her child, fWH has his insurance through my work, and my employer noted that the child could be added to my policy if we claimed her on our taxes (to show that we have a financial obligation) but the magistrate was reluctant to put the OC on a "stepparent" policy. I wish it could have all been resolved in one hearing, because now I still feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop and for financial devistation to follow...
The part of the hearing that was the most difficult for me was seeing the OW. I did not know what she looked like, and now I have a face and body type to add to the mind movies that came flooding back. It does not help that I am pregnant now, and I am not too fond of how my body looks while pregnant- which resulted in me crying in the middle of the night when the baby woke me up to go to the bathroom. fWH woke up and held me while I cried, answered my questions, and tried to assure me that he loves me and is attracted to ME and not her- but it is little consolation in the middle of the night.
In the end, I am glad I went. I have decided that there will be no more meetings between the two of them that do not involve me, while the conception of the OC was not my choice, anything that happens from here on out affects my family, so I intend to be there. Thanks to SI and the people I have met here for the support from afar!
My H and I have been married for 8 years, together since we were 15. We've had our ups and downs, but until the last year I never had any reason to suspect anything was horribly wrong.
I found out a week and a half ago that H has been having an A for over a year with a coworker. I confronted him with evidence and he admitted to everything. We decided to try and work things out (we have a daughter, not quite 2 yrs old). He broke off contact with OW, except for the limited work-related contact they have to have. I've been struggling with knowing they are in the same building everyday. But I felt a glimmer of hope that we could repair our marriage.
2 days after he told her it was over, she told him she was pregnant. I was devastated all over again.
We both (so he says) still want to try and repair our relationship, but I'm so sad about this latest revelation. I was so sure there was hope before this. Now I'm not sure what to do. At this point I think I've compartmentalized my feelings about everything. I can't even bring myself to think about a possible baby. Trying to focus on our relationship for now, and what we need to do to decide if we can make it back. But also feeling conflicted over that - am I just avoiding it because it's too hard to deal with?
Part of me wants to move away, disappear so we don't have to have any contact with her. Part of me wants to ask him to not have anything to do with child (assuming its true), and then I think I couldn't possibly live with myself if he abandoned a child.
How do you recover from this?
UPDATE: ALOT has happened, He is the father. I knew he was.. he has visited him once more and I am okay with that but he knows that there will be no more contact without me and without filing for partial/joint custody. I'm trying to figure out how he cannot contact OW without me being there. We are buying a house phone for her to call and I am hoping AT&T will block her # on his phone. I also get to see his bill each month. I trust him for the most part but still feel like I have to keep my guard up til he proves to me I can fully trust him. I'm in a really good place, he is not. I am surprisingly acceptable to OC being a part of our lives, I don't feel the feelings that I thought I would towards him. SO is feeling guilty, angry at what he's done to us and feels like no one is there to support him and the OC other than myself. This is a new journey we are walking together on and I finally feel at peace. Finally after a year I feel like we are not on any unsure grounds. It feels soo good to have it all happen and have a plan finally.