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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 7
DevastatedTwice
♀ Member
Member # 29061
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, January 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi. I posted here a couple months ago. I feel bad because I got really overwhelmed and never responded to those of you who replied to me. I did read your responses. It's good to know that many of you understand.

I have been married 17 years and dated my husband 5 years before that. He was the love of my life and I was his. We were so close and had such a bond.

He struggled with porn throughout our early years, recognizing it was a problem but not getting help.....thinking he could control it. He had an affair with a coworker in 2007. When he ended it, we worked hard to recover. He was WONDERFUL and did everything I needed, even on his own. He was a saint. The problem was that he didn't see his affair as part of his addiction. He was convinced that he would NEVER have another affair. A year and a half into our recovery, he began a new job and started affair #2. That's when he realized his addiction had escalated. He is a very sensitive person and his guilt and shame were so great that he ran to the other life and the other woman. It took me many months to work through the grief and distance myself. I filed for divorce when he continued to choose the other life. But I knew he was miserable. I knew he knew how great our marriage had been. One day before our divorce was to be finalized, he left his job and OW. I stalled the divorce to see if we could make it work. When I found out a couple months later that he was still in contact with OW2, I was sick. At that point, he was really broken and was crying out for help. He began going to SA meetings and counseling. I decided to give him one more chance. Little did I know that he was already crossing lines with OW3 while he was crying for help.

He has gotten better and better at lying and hiding. He changed all the tactics that he had used in the past. I was very confused all last year because he was home every night, going to recovery things, etc. but I still felt like I didn't have his heart. He was NOT the caring man he was after affair #1. Now I know why. He's been living a double life all year. The crazy things he did to hide his affair not only from me, but to hide me from OW3 is sickening and shows the depth of where addiction can go.

I am going through with my divorce. I hate it. It hurts so much. I so badly wanted to be a success story, to know that all my pain would be blessed with a happy ending of healing and restored marriage. I tried so hard. I did my part. I feel so wronged.

I know he still loves me and is dying that he's lost everything. But he may never get help. I'm trying to take care of me....and my children.

Thanks for listening.

[This message edited by DevastatedTwice at 1:05 PM, January 20th (Friday)]


Me - BS - 39
Him - WH, SA - 39
Married 17 yrs.
3 kids- 16, 13, 8
Dday#1 - 3/16/07 PA
D-day#2- 9/21/09 PA, began recovery 6/8/10
D-day#3- 11-8-10 False recovery.
D-Day#4- 12/27/11 Third PA, divorcing
Divorced- 6/6/12

Posts: 405 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: California
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, January 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Sabina)) I'd start keeping a spare key outside the house, LOL. Or always take keys with me when I leave or go outside.

((WS)) LOVE the dream. I'm sure it was terrifying at the time, but what a relief you must feel now.

(((Notmetoo))). I *love* the way you handled it though.

On computer scanning. In my course, one of the CSATs presenting mentioned that she was in line at the apple store, and the couple in front of them were getting something done to their laptop. The tech started working, then he said "Excuse me" and came back with a security officer. They said you have to come with us. The woman said "I thought you told me you got rid of that!" and they all left. She said, now, clearly, maybe it was something like pirated music or whatever, but if it looks like a duck... Bear in mind this was an audience of SAs and SA spouses, so she wasn't targeting a message for either group I don't think but I do think she was sending some sort of warning message.

I personally would not send a computer anywhere else that I thought might have suspect stuff on it. (Or identity-theft related stuff, but that's another issue). One of the things that WH did while I left town immediately after DDay was try to format his old computer that he said crashed because of something *I* did. He said he couldn't even get it to fire up. At the time, because I was being a hardass, I told him if he was trying to erase evidence from that machine, I already had everything I needed and he was wasting his time. He did not seem flustered by that, but it didn't stop him from trying to get the computer up and running. And he didn't know at that time I would get the pix he took with his phone through other means.

Ugh. I haven't thought about that machine in months. Should I try to see what I can glean from it or WH? My position has always been if I ever found kiddie porn, I would report him (or anybody else) to the police. "Teen" porn, IDK, I hadn't really considered there is a market for those of age that LOOK young vs. true teen porn and how to tell the difference.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, January 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((DevastatedTwice))))
Your post made me cry. It's similar to my story in several ways: the original acting out, the sensitive husband, the wonderful "recovery," and then the escalation and the double life and treachery the second time around.

I think this addiction hardens people. Last week I asked if it strips them of all love and humanity, but I'm beginning to believe it's just so all-comsuming that they have no time or energy left over. They use so much energy acting out, plus keeping up a double life is also exhausting. There's nothing left. The secret life becomes their real life, and everything in real life becomes secondary - no matter how much they love their wives and families and friends.

I hope this makes some sense. At any rate, I am so sorry to read your post. Taking care of yourself and your children is the most important thing at this point, I agree. Please keep posting and feel free to PM me anytime. I've been separated since Sept. 14, the last and biggest D-Day.

Separately, Hath and others: I nearly had my H's computer scanned, but I was too afraid too. In fact, my own laptop needs some work and I'm afraid to bring it in to the apple store because I have spent countless hours shadowing my H's fetish activities online - and now I realize it's all on my computer history. I don't know how to erase all of it. And the worse part is that I can't stop doing it.

(((HUGS to all))) None of this is for the faint-hearted. Wishing you all some peace over the weekend.



Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
DevastatedTwice
♀ Member
Member # 29061
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, January 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you choosinghope. That makes so much sense. I appreciate the validation.


Me - BS - 39
Him - WH, SA - 39
Married 17 yrs.
3 kids- 16, 13, 8
Dday#1 - 3/16/07 PA
D-day#2- 9/21/09 PA, began recovery 6/8/10
D-day#3- 11-8-10 False recovery.
D-Day#4- 12/27/11 Third PA, divorcing
Divorced- 6/6/12

Posts: 405 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: California
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, January 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Devastated)))))

I am so sorry this is happening to you and your family. You are strong, I can tell. Holding you in the LIGHT!


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, January 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Devastated, I am so sorry your marriage is ending. It is clear you still love your husband -- and you wanted to make it work.

I expect I will end up in the same position eventually. My SAWH won't even consider treatment, as he doesn't believe he needs it. Every day, I am tortured with thoughts of his acting out. He claims he isn't, but he is an accomplished liar -- and the King of Denial. I keep bracing myself for the worst. It is a horrible way to live -- and so very unhealthy.

Sending strength and hugs to you and your children. Keep posting. We're here for you.


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, January 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Devastated

So sorry for your pain. At least you know you have done everything within your power to make your marriage work. Now you must put yourself and your kids first even though you had hoped to avoid D.

You sound like a strong resilient woman. Look what you have been through already. You will get through this and find happiness again. Hang in there. Sending hugs to you and your kids.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, January 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Devastated))))))


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, January 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dated my husband 5 years


He struggled with porn throughout our early years, recognizing it was a problem but not getting help.....thinking he could control it.

He has gotten better and better at lying and hiding. He changed all the tactics that he had used in the past...but I still felt like I didn't have his heart. Now I know why. He's been living a double life all year.

Devastated - I feel like I could have written these words myself. It sounds like you did everything you could for your marriage. Now all you can do is take care of yourself and your children. I am so sorry that things have turned out this way. F* addiction for stealing our husbands. Today my prayers are for you.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, January 20th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those of you who went through a formal disclosure with a CSAT...

What was it like? Was it as bad as Dday? Were you able to function afterward? Did you have a day-after session? Do you think I'll be able to safely drive 9 hours home following the day-after session? Are you glad you did it? Was the full truth disclosed as far as you know?

Just looking for input...mine is scheduled for Feb. 2nd...

Thanks


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, January 21st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


DrivingPast said~

Sabina, thats terrible. And wait a minute, he locked you out of the house? How is that turning a new leaf? Did you or your son call him? Theres no excuse for forgetting your kids.

He isn't turning over a new leaf. He continues to want to rugsweep. I've taken my keys out with me for a long time, in case of just such an event, but that night I was badly triggered & went out without them. DS16 didn't call SAWH because SAWH doesn't have a cell, DS called me & I went to pick him up. SAWH had receipts & paperwork for a filling station & the gym so I know where he was. I agree there's no excuse.

Re youtube- It'd be a flag for me for sure. SA's are different from 'regular' WS and the same rules don't apply.


Edited to Add~

((DevestatedTwice)) I expect to be down in S & D eventually too.

Re cleaning up computer: SAWH used to have a work issued laptop so I wasn't ever able to investigate it. He had DS16 wipe & clean it several times while he had it.


~ Sabina

[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 8:59 AM, January 21st (Saturday)]


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
cupcakegirl
♀ Member
Member # 33594
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, January 21st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone, just popping in to say hi.

Oh my, (((DT))) My heart breaks for you.

WS:

For those of you who went through a formal disclosure with a CSAT...

What was it like? Was it as bad as Dday? Were you able to function afterward? Did you have a day-after session? Do you think I'll be able to safely drive 9 hours home following the day-after session? Are you glad you did it? Was the full truth disclosed as far as you know?

WS, SAH and I did formal disclosure w/CSAT.
It is the best and worst thing. Mixed emotions came from this. Better than D-day because:

1. I know already SAH has a problem; just needed to know to what extent. What on earth was I dealing with w/o too many details.
2. Had a trained MC/CSAT in room w/ me hearing this mess making sure SAH did not use any blame etc.
3. CSAT had a private session to prep me on what I was about to hear and how to do that.
4. SAH needed to go through what it is like to tell the whole truth for the very first time in his whole life.
5 Marriage must have intimacy to survive. Secrets destroy intimacy and give SAH power. Controlled disclosure gives the spouse more power in knowing all the dark and dirty things SAH covered up while he would come home and act like an ass to me. This knowledge gives me so much power. SAH is much humbled knowing that his double life is no longer secret.
6. Disclosure was followed up w/poly-g so I know what he told me was true. I got to ask as many questions as I wanted.

Controlled disclosure is a bitch because:
1. You know its coming. You now have to sit and wait for appt to hear something painful and nasty.
2. CSAT told me it would be waaay more than I ever imagined. It was.
3. What I heard was very sick and traumatic. (I excused myself to go barf afterward)I am still dealing w/what I heard.

WS, I am glad we did it. It was the only thing that really gave us a chance at R. We did this for 3 days, though. Intense MC, IC and disclosure all rolled into it. I was exhausted, but energetic now that I finally knew what I was dealing w/ and what my new boundaries are.
Driving 9 hrs home could be very hard if you just get disclosure and then drive. Disclosure for us was on day 1, and we did not have to drive until day 3, due to all the therapy So, if you are hearing the whole ball of wax and then getting in the car, I'd say no, don't drive. I could not eat or even think very well after disclosure. But CSAT planned for this and had everything set up for this event.

Take care of yourself. I know Feb 2nd is approaching fast. Distract yourself as best as you can, but I know that feeling of dread. Hugs to you!!


Me:BS, 43
Him: SAH, 48
Married 21 years
DDay 1: 2007
First day of transparency in M: 10/17/11
Polygraph 1/13/12 passed!
Polygraph 7/8/12 passed!
Polygraph 2/4/13 passed!
Next Poly is 2/14 passed!

Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, January 21st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS, sent you a PM. Don't go alone...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
DevastatedTwice
♀ Member
Member # 29061
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, January 21st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for everyone's kind words and support. Feels good to be validated and to be here.


Me - BS - 39
Him - WH, SA - 39
Married 17 yrs.
3 kids- 16, 13, 8
Dday#1 - 3/16/07 PA
D-day#2- 9/21/09 PA, began recovery 6/8/10
D-day#3- 11-8-10 False recovery.
D-Day#4- 12/27/11 Third PA, divorcing
Divorced- 6/6/12

Posts: 405 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: California
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, January 21st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(NOTE: I also posted this in General. I could use some "spouses of SA" support right about now, please.)

I have a "little voice" which occasionally tells me information. Call it a psychic ability, angel, intuition, whatever, but this little voice has never once steered me wrong.

So WH & the kids are out grocery shopping, and my little voice told me to go out & check his truck. This is HIS truck, not mine, I've never driven it, ridden in it, my name's not on the title. But I know where the keys are kept, so I went out & looked in the truck.

I found a big pile of Polaroids of another woman sucking WH's dick. There's probably 50 pictues. Now, it doesn't appear these pictures are present day, they look old. However, WHY DOES HE STILL HAVE THEM??? And of course our kids play in that truck, they could have found these pictures.

I brought the pictures into the house & have hidden them.

Please talk to me, people. I'm shaking, cold, my blood pressure is sky high right now, can't breathe... I'm having problems thinking right now. I did call my IC & left her a message, but it's the weekend so I won't be hearing back from her.

Please just talk to me...


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8778 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, January 21st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature Girl, I also responded on your other thread, breathe, girl, just breathe...

I am so sorry you had to see THAT! UGGGHHHH -- how horrible! No one uses polaroids anymore, so I assume the pics are old? Even so, totally disturbing!

I wish I could say something to make you feel better. Just sending you huge cyberhugs....


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, January 21st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, these pics seem old. But they're new to me, though, KWIM? And a brand new knife in my heart.

This makes three times now that I've found a stash of explicit pictures. It's like being in an alcoholic's home & finding their bottles stashed all over the f-ing house. Only these are images that, if my kids see them, they'll NEVER get these images out of their heads. This will F them up forever.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8778 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, January 21st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((Nature Girl))))))

I am so sorry. You don't deserve this. My advise is to get rid of those pictures. Shread them, burn them. But don't keep them. It's like having a loaded gun in your house. Even if you think you have hidden them well, children have a way of finding things. It's also not in your best interest to know that they exist. You should never need to see them again.

Any place that your children go is fair game in the snooping department. You don't need to tell him that you found them. Let him sweat it when he can't find them.

You are in my thoughts.

Sage

PS I'll check in after dinner to see how you are doing.


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, January 21st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Show him you have them. THEN burn them. You deserve to know the W,w,w,w,h before they are gone.

creep. Both of them.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, January 21st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SK, your tag line is certainly a fitting description of my life today.

Okay, I've calmed down because I'm really good at compartmentalizing. Not that that's something to brag about, but I can do it because I've had to. So now I am. I come here to vent.

I'm gonna triple wrap these filthy things & give them to my IC when I see her on Wednesday. I give her stuff like this as I find it because I need a third person to verify & hold on to my "evidence". Otherwise I honestly sometimes doubt my sanity or sense of reality. I've inhaled so much damn gas from his gaslighting & rugsweeping...

My spirit is very heavy tonight, though. So weary. Feel so defeated.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8778 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
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