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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 7
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, January 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone, I've been lurking here but not posting for a while because I've been overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done when you divorce a SA. Like dealing with custody.

It would be so much easier to walk away if WH was mean and hateful and a horrible Dad.

My two youngest kids (6&5) beg me every day not to D.

GG, for many years this was me - my children are even the exact same ages. My husband is very good at compartmentalizing. In fact, if he wasn't a rage sex addict who acts out so dangerously and compulsively, he would have been a perfect husband.

I just wanted to say that my husband got lots of help throughout our marriage, though he never did inpatient treatment. And he always, always relapsed. I think we were on one- or two-year cycles. Everything would be great, then I would get suspicious, I would start stressing out and snooping, and sooner or later I would find evidence. Then, back to the CSATS and the 12-step programs. Things would be good for 1- 2 years.

It took a while to build up to this, and I didn't have proof for the first eight years of my marriage, but now I realize he was always like this. It just got progressively worse each time.

As for me, well, I'm still working on why I ended up in this relationship. I and the rest of the world thought my husband was GREAT - handsome, funny, successful, kind. And he compartmentalized things very well. Yet I did know something was wrong from the beginning. I found sex ads circled under his bed and allowed him to tell me that they belonged to his apartment-mate. It made so sense, and probably most young women would have dumped him at that point. But I did not, and so started the 18-year cycle. I will say that I was a very naive 22-year-old when I met him. I was shy and didn't date a lot. I thought he was amazing and that I would never find someone as great as him to marry.

When I look back now, I realize that's ridiculous. I was starting a successful and glamorous career, I had tons of friends, I was filled with promise. So I guess I have to do a lot more work on why I married him in the first place and why I stayed for so many years. Oh, and extended marriages are the norm in my Catholic family too - and I don't have ONE friend who is divorced. I fact, I just went through the directory of my children's school, and only a handful of the 250 families have parents living at two different addresses.

Ugh.

Anyhow, I hope everyone has a peaceful weekend.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, January 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((choosinghope))))))
It takes a lot of guts to walk away, because there are always good parts, but sometimes it cant outweigh the bad. You have to protect you and the kids, and Im sure you are making a well thought out decision. Sending you much strength and good wishes.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, January 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was looking back through some old "i can relates" and saw some REALLY good stuff on boundaries written by 7yrsbetrayed. You can find it here http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=365485&AP=821&HL=27429
If that doesnt take to the directly, its page 42.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, January 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WIP is work in progress. I am so sorry, I tend to use shortcuts a lot and forget people don't always know my acronyms.

(((Godsgirl))) That sounds like such a hard position to be put in. I suppose to some degree you can't have absolute NC now that there is an OC involved. But I guess also that means you don't have to put up with it. What I learned in S-anon, is you don't have to decide things like that *today*. You can decide to stay married *today*, and work on what you need to do to heal yourself and what you need to stay in the relationship. Then you can decide if those needs will ever be met. On *another* day. One day at a time.

I cannot imagine a 5 and 6YO begging for you not to divorce, that must be absolutely heartbreaking. IDK if my kids (8/6/3) even know what divorce is exactly, although they do know some kids have 1, 2, 3, or 4 parents and they don't always live in the same house, aren't always a man and woman, etc. What I do know is that a 6YO is not capable of making very deep decisions. They may say they don't want you to divorce, but they probably really don't understand what it means. They are more concerned they won't see dad anymore, that their parents don't love them anymore, or that they just don't like change (come to think of it, isn't that what we are thinking, LOL). That 6yo begging you not to divorce today may likely become a 16YO yelling at you later why did you stay, didn't you love yourself and us enough to leave? THIS is what I struggle with every day anyway. I know every sitch is different.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, January 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, WS, I so identify with the way you reacted to what your WH said. Even though I don't have the fallout you have to deal with, he has said some real doozies that clearly indicate he had no clue. He's only beginning to understand now. And part of me wonders if it's too little too late. But then again they *can't* see it, they are not capable until they get to that stage in recovery. If they were able to see it, they wouldn't have been addicts in the first place.

Just wanted to know I hear ya and highly agree.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, January 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been gone for a couple of days and I've missed so much!!

@ WSisanAddict said~

..is he changing...or am I just seeing him differently? Or is it both? Will I ever be able to "see him" in a loving way again?


For me, I realized that I was *finally*, after 22+ years of M, seeing the real, authentic, actual SAWH. My own denial and refusal to see the truth was finally completely shed on the third DDay (last June). I recognize that the addiction cycle of positive and negative behaviors are both him. For a very long time I wanted to believe that the 'positive side' was my "real" SAWH and the "negative side" could be cured or banished or exorcised. It has taken me a very long time to accept the entirety of my SAWH's actual self. Please note that this doesn't mean I like who he is showing me.


Re: Separation

We've never separated. Initially this was because I felt that S would devastate the kids and meant I was a quitter (and WH wasn't diagnosed SA until 6 months later). Later there was an incident where I went to help my mom do some painting and SAWH told our CSAT I'd abandoned him and the kids and would file for divorce- the CSAT called me and told me I needed to come home or there could be legal repercussions. So in the end, I've never S. Because he's shown me that he'll do everything he can to keep me here. My living situation has become *more* emotionally abusive as time has gone by- not less.

I wish I could offer some insight on how or if S helps or hinders, but unfortunately I don't have any experience with S to share.


torn2bits said~

Question: Do you think it is part codependant that some of us keep taking and taking their abuse, their lies, their cheating year after year and are still with them?

Speaking for myself, I stay because of financial dependency. During our M I've only worked part time and immediately before the A's and the diagnosis I'd been out of the workforce completely for three years. I took a job training class and now I have a part time job close to my home that's on the bus line if we S & he won't let me take the car. I'm looking for a full time job and I'm saving my pennies so I can move out. Meanwhile, DS16 moves closer to graduation and I'm in therapy and am getting mentally and emotionally stronger day by day.

Yes, codependency also plays a part in why I stay. My personal history is written in my posts and is in my profile. Codependent is how I was raised. Changing my frame of reference and my thought processes and actions is hard and takes time. Fortunately time is on my side and I'm working on these things, and as the incidents with SAWH continue to happen at regular intervals, my motivation to find a FT job has remained high.


Hugs to all of you ladies, we need each other in the day to day struggle SA brings into our lives. No matter the differences in our individual situations we depend on the love and support that can be found here.

The latest incident is a doozy. I was stopped by the police because the rear license plate was displayed in the back window, not mounted on the back of the car as required by law. While stopped the officer discovered that the tags had been erm..."manipulated" by SAWH. Not only that, the window tint was too dark. The "manipulation" is a class 1 misdemeanor in my state: they could've taken me down to the station and impounded the car. Arrested me because I was driving the car. Fortunately, the officer didn't do that & merely took the plates. And wrote me tickets for which I have to go to court. So, my own ignorance nearly landed me in jail. When SAWH told me the plated were fine and he'd updated everything online (in Nov.) and the car was ok- I believed him. I went to work in tears, late, because the officer rightly pointed out- the car is in my name too & I'm legally obligated to ensure that SAWH is actually obeying the law. In other words, ignorance is no excuse.

O.M.G. FML!!!

Anyhow. Cop takes the plates. DS23 takes me to work. I'm a complete mess all shift. SAWH picks me up later- has nothing to say except that he's "sorry they had nothing better to do". And "I'll fix the car on Wed." Other than that? Nada. Today the car has newly issued plates- valid ones.. How ironic is this? Are you ready?? My court date is Valentine's Day. The Universe is sending me a message.


Hugs~ Sabina

[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 10:23 AM, January 6th (Friday)]


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
Godsgirl
♀ Member
Member # 27521
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, January 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you ladies for the wise words and hugs.

I saw my IC today and discussed everything with her.

She basically said the same thing that hathnofury mentioned, that I can go ahead with my legal seperation ( I want this for my healing and to show SAWH that I'm meant what I said and I can in fact move on) but I don't have to make the decision to D now.

She also said that I need to back away and tell him that he's welcome to pursue MOW but not to bother trying to come back to me at the same time. (Basically, I need to 180 in a friendly way and show him the healthy, happy me)

I just want you all to know that my thoughts and prays are with each one of you.

We WILL heal!!!!!!
We WILL show our SA's what a stong, awesome women (and men) we are and how valuable we are as not just women but wives and mothers and friend and lovers.

(((((everyone))))


Me-BS (38)
Him-SAWH (38)
4 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!


Posts: 836 | Registered: Feb 2010
1Forward1Back
♀ Member
Member # 11057
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, January 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ChoosingHope,

Your post is an amazing testament to a woman who is cognizant and in tune with what is real. I take my hat off to you.

I am a woman who posts here very infrequently. I am almost 60 years of age. I recognized my husband's intense SA in 2006 when I discovered his 4 month affair and two 1 night stands previous to that. I should have left then. I did not. Why? I'm not sure. I got all the right counseling, albeit bunny trails re: same, here and there. I look back and wonder at the points where leaving would have been beneficial to me and worked out more efficiently than any other time. Alas, I did not do what was best.

So here I am. A few months away from 60 years of age, living with an SA who beats himself up every day over his inability to deal with his SA in an appropriate manner. I no longer check his computer. I don't because I know I won't do anything about what I find. I really don't love him anymore and have not for a long time. But I like him. I enjoy his company on most nights and on holidays.

Why don't I leave? I was very sick for almost 2 decades. I had no real income. I have now worked for 6 years full time in a job that is secure and pays well. But I remain sick; just in a lesser manner but never knowing when my illness will flair and go into a major exacerbation. If it does, I can count TOTALLY on my SAH to care for me. I will never have to worry about my future with him, in that terms.

So what do I do? Leave him on principle to try and teach him a lesson? To save myself? I have learned to minister to my own needs in small ways. I wish I had left when it all blew up. But I didn't. So here I am. I'm very emotional at times and wonder why I am here. But most days, I just put one foot in front of the other, and trust my God to lead me in the right path. I waited too long, so I encourage all the younger spouses of SA on here to really examine their situation and make the right decision. If I had left my SAH 36 years ago and applied for an annulment, when I found out, on my honeymoon no less, that he had slept with another woman three or four times during our engagement, my life may have been different. Just some thoughts for consideration. God bless you all!!


Me: 60 Yrs. (BS)
Him: 60 Yrs.(FWH- life long sex addict)
-2 ONSs followed by an A-2005/06
-cheated while we were engaged
-seems to stray every 30 years or so
D-Day-June 10, 2006
Working on own recovery. His is his!
Married: 37 yrs. Grown ch

Posts: 966 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Canada
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, January 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Forward ~ Like you, I am in my late 50's. At nine months out from DDay, I have been all over the map with my emotions and doing what is right for me.

I would like to think that if I was younger, the decision would be more clear. I could start over and leave my mess of a husband behind. I also work, and I love my job, but I could not support myself on what I earn. It's not easy at any age, but at our age it seems particularly daunting.

At least, your H seems remorseful. Mine is overly defensive and wants me to be his partner in rugsweeping. It is taking a toll on my health, physically and emotionally.

In the end, we all must do what is right for us. If money was no object, I suspect I would be gone. I so admire the women on this site for their strength and courage, no matter what stage of the journey they are on.

Good luck to you. I hope you will post more often. Your post resonated with me...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, January 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi 1Forward~

Your post resonated with me too. I'm scared I won't be able to leave (for various reasons, primarily financial) but I'm even more scared to remain stuck with SAWH. No offense intended, but I don't want to be in your position later. I really don't. My SAWH is similar to Ghostwalker's in attitude and I refuse to live with him longer than I have to.

I just wanted you to know that your words have been heard and appreciated this morning.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
Taurusinpain
♀ Member
Member # 30284
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, January 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you 1Forward1Back!!! Excellent points. I rarely post either but read often. such a roller coaster.


BW - 38
FWH - 41, SA since around 2005
Dday 4/9/10
Months and months of TT torture.
DD born 3/1/13
In R? Feels like going witht the flow.
Trying to get used to the new "normal"

Posts: 396 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: The worst place I can be - inside my own brain
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, January 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I'm back on the rollercoaster going down...just posted in recon., he claims he'll have a timeline for me next week with advice on how to present it to me. We'll see, I've heard that before. He also promised to do another thing, clean up an office where he viewed porn while I parented upstairs unbeknownst to me for many years. I've also heard that many times before. His backsliding into the defensive stance whenever I am triggered is the biggest problem I am currently facing. I am pissed but sliding slowly and surely into building that wall I am so good at building. Like those of you older women, I often like to spend time with him, love many parts of him, but have that under current of anger that colors all my days. I may just have to resign myself to the fact that it will never get better than that...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2924 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, January 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((((Kat))))))))))


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, January 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1forward, it's stories like yours that have emboldened me to pursue divorce. I ask myself if I stay, what's the likelihood that WH can really change - permanently, not just for a little while - and I don't think he can.

If I leave now, I have a chance at finding another partner, but the longer I wait, the harder it will get.

I am so frightened though b/c I'm leaving WH for the SA part, not because I don't love him and enjoy him.

But his being an SA just means my co-dependency likely will kick into high gear, taking care of him so he won't wander, constantly monitoring him. Ugh.

Clearly, I'm just typing out the circular argument I have in my head. I start to waffle, and then I remember something that hardens my resolve, and then I start to waffle again ...


BS 45, WH 38
M 8 years, together 10
Real DDay 10/07/11
Too many OW to count.
D final on 6/21/12
The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed.
- Martina Navratilova

Posts: 2793 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, January 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just remember and think...if you choose not to stay, there are no guarantees that your next relationship isn't going to repeat some of the old dynamics of the previous one. It isn't easy to change, and you do teach people how to treat you...I worry SO much about the proliferation of SA in out society, the easy "fix" internet porn provides, the messages about sex in the media. I don't know if there ARE people unaffected by this.

Bad day.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2924 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, January 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scaredykat

I can relate to what you said. I constantly battle with should I stay or should I go. If I leave and I did enter a new relationship at some point, maybe things would be worse. At least I do believe my WH truly loves me and in spite of what I now know about him, I still enjoy his company and like him (not sure if I would say I love him yet but hoping that will return).

You're right, I think SA is more prevalent than we think. With the ease of accessibility to online porn who knows how many people are affected or in the early stages of SA.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, January 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems like every time I turn around there's something about sex on the television - sex crimes, sexual predators, sex-based dramas, sexual taboo documentaries, sexy commercials, casual sex, etc. Has it always been this way or am I just hyper-sensitive to it right now?


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, January 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's there, and far too prevalent for my taste. I teach young children. On display in my library is a book about Taylor Swift. A close up of her smiling on the cover of a biography. The reaction from the 6 year old boy the other day? "Wow, she's hot!" It makes me sick. No doubt this would get a chuckle from some adults. Not me. It is, and always has been, a reflection of disrespect for women as people. I was PART of the women's lib movement. We haven't come far at all. In many ways we are backwards.

Look at the costumes of the "pro" cheerleaders. They are little more than higher paid lap dancers. My son has classified the cheerleaders at his college into two groups, the regular cheerleaders and the slutty cheerleaders, called the "dance team." They dress and dance in very provocative ways. I call them lap dancers in training. Why is this necessary?

Sorry. A pet peeve as you can see...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2924 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, January 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,

Just wanted to say thanks to all of you. The discussions here lately have been so good to read. I am especially thankful for all the postings about whether to stay or leave. I am really struggling with the idea of R, something I thought I desperately wanted before sawh went to treatment. Treatment was all I wanted, or so I thought..while he was gone and after I got used to the adjustments, I started to feel so independent and free! I am relaxed and happy, I have strength and confidence. Since he's been out and wanting R now I'm not sure. I know I enjoy spending time with him and love parts of him like you guys have mentioned, I just don't know if I want to take the risk. I am so very confused. Thank you for sharing your stories and thoughts, its so helpful just knowing we are not alone.

On another note I wanted to share something good, in my city I was nominated for A Woman of Inspiration Award for our community.

Lastly, remember to do something at least weekly for yourselves. I got my nails redone and tried tanning! Hugs to all of you. You are all women of inspiration to me and all deserve recognition for what you do and who you are.


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, January 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurt ~ Congratulations on your award! You ARE a woman of inspiration! I notice in your posts you are getting stronger and stronger. You have been through so much, yet you carry on with courage and determination.

Great big hugs to you...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
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