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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 7
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, January 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto Hurt94. In a lot of ways, I am enjoying living in a non-tense environment while he is in treatment, at least when I'm at home I mean. It sucks being alone, but there is comfort in predictability. I'm not constantly on edge waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't know if I truly want this life either.

I hesitate to share too many details in public forum due to legal issues, but I think this will be general enough to share. I am a teacher. He was a teacher. His SA, to some extent, involved students...

When I went back to work, many students said they were sorry that they hadn't told me anything sooner. They've known about inappropriate activities for several years. I found out WS had been involved with some of my closest and favorite students...it is very hard to be back at work.

Many people, perhaps rightfully so, are angry that I am still wearing my wedding ring. Many people assume we are getting divorced. Many people did not understand why I was back at work, thinking that I should have quit and moved back to where I came from originally.

The answers to that question of course are: 1) I need the salary 2) Health insurance 3) I don't want to have to explain a gap on my resume when applying to future positions 4) I don't like the idea of quitting in the middle of something.

Reflecting back on our relationship, I realize that my WS and I have been through this cycle about 20 times over the course of our 9-year relationship - it really is abusive. The cycle is this: We're happy. I "sense" something is wrong. I discover inappropriate activity (previously online stuff). He is immensely sorry, ashamed and seems determined to change. We take some action to ensue change (counseling, limiting internet, etc.) He transforms into best partner ever. I think we've handled problem and moved on. We're happy. I "sense" something is wrong. I discover something worse, etc.

Although I always forget about these cycles (perhaps intentionally so), when I make a conscious effort to remember, I have to admit there's been a lot, and it has been consistent and progressive - it is without a doubt, abusive. I never thought I would put up with an abusive relationship - I just always associated abuse with domestic violence before. But this is definitely a cycle - what makes me think that this time will be any different?

[Sigh.] Who knows anything anymore. As Sager will no doubt remind me, I just need to take it a day at a time - no major decisions need to be made yet. It's just so hard to take it day by day. I'm not good at being patient - it has always been a fault. I'm a planner, a goal-setter, a dreamer. It is so hard to let go of the control, or the illusionary control of one's life and just be, to allow to happen what will happen, to accept things as they come rather than try to orchestrate their direction.

At least the crying has stopped.

Love to you all.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Haven't posted here in a while been lurking and reading.

Sager, so sorry about your basal cell carcinoma diagnosis. I guess the only upside is that if you have to get skin cancer it's the best one to have treatment and prognosis wise. I'm sending healing thoughts your way.

Finally found a CSAT about an hour's drive away and WH has an appointment next week. It's strange, we live in the biggest city in our area and there are no CSATs here yet the one we found is in a small rural university town.

Anyway, I will be interested in hearing her evaluation of my WH and whether she will diagnose him as a SA. He has some of the signs but not all and no history of abuse as a child. I still don't know what to think. After acting out progressively more and more for at least the last 15 years he appears to have managed to stop cold turkey. I'm holding my breath just waiting for something to happen. In some ways I almost want him to do something because that would give me my out. It's not that I necessarily want to end our M (in fact I don't), but when I think of what he's done and the extent and level of betrayal, I "feel" I should. I feel that anybody who knew what he'd done would think me a fool to stay. This leads to me constantly second guessing myself and my choice. It's like I don't trust my own judgement anymore.

Happy new year to all.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Notmetoo, I completely understand your feelings. Mine also has some signs, not all, no abuse. Mine also quit cold turkey. Its good but it raises more questions. And the thing I wonder about most is, the relapse... when (or if???) it will happen. Sometimes writing about my h makes me sick and embarrassed.

I also had a lot of trouble finding a csat even though we live in a decent sized city. There was one that is highly religion based(not for us) and anyway he only does group not IC. The one he is now seeing is a good 45-50 mins away. Im not very impressed with him either, honestly.

I hope your husbands counseling goes well. Is it IC or MC as well? Have you gotten full disclosure? If not, it is something most csat stress upon.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS, that must be difficult, but like others said, you did nothing to be ashamed of. Stay strong.

I think its good that you are coming to terms with the abusive/addictive cycle of your marriage. It looks to me like you are realizing you dont have to put up with it forever. Only you know when you have had enough. Hopefully he has hit bottom and he is ready to do the work it is going to take to change - the treatment center is a good sign.

Happy new year to you all...


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have a question, especially for the older members, but anyone really...

Has your SA spouse ever had a relapse?

I read the rate of relapse is so high, I wonder if anyone here has experienced it.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sage, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Many hugs to you and hope that you will fully recover.

I have to say that the books are so right when they say legal divorce proceedings only intensify the SA.

Like many of you, I wanted my M. Heck, the SA just asked me last week to go to counseling and that he doesn't want a D. I am smart enough to know that this is only to cover his shame and guilt. I don't feel he will really love me and put forth any effort. He is not in recovery and still denies everything.

The kidss are suffering but at peace when we are alone. So much better then the outbursts they had to witness on a daily basis from him.

Still blames me and no accountability.

Question: Do you think it is part codependant that some of us keep taking and taking their abuse, their lies, their cheating year after year and are still with them?


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T2B, in my case I am positive it is my co-dependency that keeps me with SA/WH. There are other factors, of course, but my FOO issues set me up for this and have made it very difficult for me to just walk away. Even though I know it's the right thing to do, I second-guess myself and am astounded at the level of deception & abuse I have knowingly & willingly put up with. I am a strong person in so many other areas of my life except my marriage.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8778 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a strong person in so many other areas of my life except my marriage.

Me, too. And I have a stable FOO - no abuse, neglect, etc.

Does anyone have an explanation for this? Are we too hopeful? Too naive? Too unconditional in our loving?


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been too tolerant, but he says I'm intolerant. I've been too forgiving, but he says I'm unforgiving. I've been non-judgemental, but he says I've been nothing but judgemental. The nicer & more understanding I've tried to be, the worse things have gotten because I was enabling him. I've tried to just compartmentalize his sexuality & ignore it, but then when I realized he was actively involved in an EA with a heroin/meth dealer who was serving a 6-year sentence for her crime, I realized that ignoring this wasn't going to work, either.

I do not know why I have put up with this. I mean, on a budding awareness level I'm starting to understand, but really it's still a mystery to me. I can't begin to express how horrible that makes me feel about myself, so I try to compartmentalize those feelings, too. Which is why I ended up in the ER last year with near fatal blood pressure problems. My marriage is killing me.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 elementary school-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 8778 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP in answer to the relapse question, sadly yes my sawh has always relapsed. Of course I didn't know the extent of his addictions until last October, but he was in outpatient treatment, and attending 4-5 meetings a week and seeing addictions counselor and even an csat for almost a year and still relapsing all the while having fooled everyone. He now has gone to inpatient program and has been out only 5 days.. I have been back and forth on the issue of staying in M. I don't want this life. I love him but can't take a relapse. To the others with health issues, I'm right there with ya. This disease does affect our health, its so common for spouses to become ill. I'm praying for you all.


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DP
Are you separated from your WH or trying to R? I wasn't sure from your profile and recent posts.

As far as I know the CSAT is going to be IC. He has been seeing another IC locally who claims he specializes in sex addiction who he has found helpful but wanted to try and find someone who actually was a CSAT. I will give him credit that he is trying to own his s**t. He has phoned SAA to try and find a group near us to no avail. The only thing they could suggest was a conference call type of online or phone meeting. They are typically late night in our time zone and he is hesitant to explore that route because of the possibility of our night owl teenagers overhearing. The CSAT told him on the phone that she has a small group that gets together so that might work for him.

I'm pretty sure I have full disclosure. There's not much more he could have left out that would have made it any worse. 2 LTAs with friends, 1 LTA with an employee, several short term As with employees, ONS, Ashley Madison hookups. BDSM parties in NYC while there on a course (OW at the time went with him). It's all sordid and shocking and I never suspected a thing. We had minor problems but on the whole I thought we were happy and soul mates.

That's the hardest part. I tend to be cautious who I open up too (don't know why but i always have a fear of rejection if i let people get too close). As a result I have few really close friends who I would confide personal things too. He was the one person I opened myself up to wholly, and trusted with my feelings and look what happened.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's the hardest part. I tend to be cautious who I open up too (don't know why but i always have a fear of rejection if i let people get too close). As a result I have few really close friends who I would confide personal things too. He was the one person I opened myself up to wholly, and trusted with my feelings and look what happened.

One of the things I've noticed since WS has been away is how isolated I was. I interacted with other people on a regular basis due to work but didn't really nourish any of my friendships other than that. All of a sudden, I am talking to my girlfriends on a daily basis and doing things (like going to the gym, phone calls, just plain hanging out) which I haven't done in 9 years. I am realizing how much I've missed having a life outside of work and marriage. I'm realizing how unhealthy our relationship probably was.

We moved a lot when I was a kid due to my dad's job. I learned early that anyone I got close to - I would inevitably leave. In order to avoid that heartache, I stopped opening myself up to those connections. I would enjoy others' company but I wouldn't let myself get too attached. Ironically, I opened myself fully to my husband because I thought he was the one person I would never have to leave...and like you, look what happened.

I wonder if this is common among SA spouses...this caution with truly opening up to others. Maybe that is why we are so hesitant to leave. It takes so much energy for us to open up, that once we do, it's that much harder to leave.

Is anyone else like this?


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, lots of good discussion questions tonight!

In terms of cold turkey... I know that men are very different from women. I know many men who decide one day to quit smoking and never have another cigarette. We had a president who said he quit drinking cold turkey. I'm sure we all know lots of examples where people have been successful without support. But I'm wary of quitting SA cold turkey. Sexuality is such a part of who we are as humans. If they have had an inappropriate idea of sex and have acted on that, I'm thinking they really need to understatnd what brought them to that point. Without that self-knowledge, I think the recovery is too fragile to count on.

In terms of addicts needing to have had a poor childhood of some kind.... I think WS brought up the theory that since porn is so available on the internet, more "normal" people are getting easily sucked in. I think there is something to that. Our minister was telling us that porn addiction is rapid addiction amoung clergy. Primarily because porn seems like a "harmless" activity. They can engage from the privacy of their offices. It's once they are hooked there that I'm sure the need for more for the same high brings them to places they never thought they would be.

As I have said many, many times on this site, I stay for my husband for many, many different reasons. Financially, socially, co-parent, don't want to be divorced, fear, liking our family, selling the house,and sometimes I even like/love him. I have come to believe that just like I trusted myself to know he was the right one to marry (and I do believe that based on who he was at the time), I have to trust that I will know when it is time to end the marriage as well. His job loss and arrest brought me very, very close. He knows that he is on borrowed time and he knows what he needs to do to earn my love and respect back.

For me, one of the confusing messages is that SA is an illness or disease. Okay, I buy that. But where then does that fit with my marriage vows, "for better, for worse, in sickness and in health"? Granted, I didn't consider sex addiction in that, but still.... And also, I know that he broke his vow to me, but really, that's his problem. I know one would hold it against me to divorce him, but how would I feel? If he had cancer, would I leave? If he had suicidal tendencies, would I bail out? What is it about this disease that makes such a consideration acceptable.

What I have realized is that it is not the disease or even his behaviors that I find unforgivable. What is unforgivable is that all the help necessary to get well was available to him, and he chose not to get well. He has a lot of explaining to do on that one.

Enough for tonight.

Sager


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS,

I'm glad that you got through your first day. it will get easier from here.

In terms of those who are angry that you are still wearing your wedding ring. Well pardon my french, but screw them. This is your life not theirs. It is none of their business. Period.

And for those that think you shouldn't be back to work, well screw them too. You have done nothing wrong and you have every right to continue your employment. While finding another job for September may be something you want to consider for your own comfort, again, that is up to you. Don't let anyone push you around. And don't give them permission to make you feel "less than".

You are already stonger and more worldly than any of them.

Sager


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well screw them too


Right answer as always, Sager. Seriously, are these people without problems in their families? Sheesh.

WS you love your job. Unless and until you don't anymore, ignore the naysayers. They'll soon have other people to rag on. Hopefully, they'll rag on each other.

Co-dependent? Certainly. That cycle of abuse fits me to a tee. And as a result, co-de all the way. After all, WE were the only ones who knew about the "inappropriate" behavior. It made us a team.

And I also am on the same page with Sager about the "why I stay" Although younger and childless, and with if-I-knew-then-what-I-know-now knowledge, I truly would not have stayed if there were not solid, rational, hard recovery plans in place that I had a part in.

Relapse? I would be out the door. Slips? That is something else. The distinction in our plan is there is to be NO interaction with other people. Porn is slipping. There are consequences for that. Of course it all assumes that I would know about it.

If any of you have not been able to get to an Sanon or Cosa meeting face to face, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, please go. You will find the support you need. It is wonderful to have family, friends, good IC etc. But these folks GET IT.

Unfortunately, this is a life sentence. This addiction is always going to be part of our lives. He will always be an addict, in recovery, one hopes, but always having that plan in place to prevent slips. I will always be hypersensitive to some things, triggering at others. I will always feel pain at the damage caused. I can choose whether to stay married and try to make this relationship work or choose to end it and be alone. Right now, I don't choose that. And I expect I would never want another relationship, I'm too jaded, too wary, too suspicious to EVER trust a stranger.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 8:06 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This post is going to address part of the theory of how SA begins in childhood. EVEN IF THERE IS NO SIGN OF CHILDHOOD ABUSE.

This may be old news to some of you. It may be in the Carnes books. I haven't read them in their entirety. But recent posts about their H possibly being SA even though there was no sign of childhood abuse reminded me of this theory...

SA is the first addiction. All addictions begin with this one. It requires no other substance. Children naturally masturbate. [I think boys more often? This is me speaking, I raised two boys, their equipment is just so...AVAILABLE ]Anyway, the theory is that kids masturbate as a way to soothe themselves. In homes with a lot of tension, stress, arguing, pressure, whatever, kids masturbate more. They then begin to do it compulsively. Thus the addiction begins. The stimuli becomes tame, after awhile and outside stimuli is needed, pictures, porn, internet, which progresses to nasty ugly stuff, no longer porn but violent images, distorted images, whatever and, well you get the picture.

So it really doesn't have to be dysfunctional family background, just a normal childhood behavior that goes horribly astray.

It's scary.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, January 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kat - It's interesting that you would bring that up! It is something that has come up in conversation with my WS since this past DDay. He'd never mentioned it before.

He says he feels like he's not as much addicted to sex as he is addicted to masturbation - the other activities simply help with the masturbation. He has even described it as "soothing" - something to wake him up in the morning and to help him fall asleep at night. I had no idea this was a daily activity for him until this past Dday.

I really do think he is a good guy with a real problem outside of his control. I always thought he would risk losing me, but when he risked his job...that's when I knew it was an addiction. He loved his job. He was great at his job. It is a real shame.

Thanks for the backup all. I will continue to wear my wedding ring unless or until I decide to end my marriage!!! And I will teach those kids that when tough times come, you put one foot in front of the other and just keep going!!! And if anyone says anything different to me I will say screw them (inside my head of course)!!!

Love to you all!


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, January 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey y'all

Notmetoo, we are trying to R. We were separated when dday happened, but I moved back in a few weeks later (that sounds insane when I read it).

Sager, I completely agree with

If they have had an inappropriate idea of sex and have acted on that, I'm thinking they really need to understatnd what brought them to that point. Without that self-knowledge, I think the recovery is too fragile to count on.

I dont think, in most cases at least, that sa is something you can simply stop doing one day and go on with life. By cold turkey I only meant the acting out (for him specifically, going to craigslist was his biggest, he has also not watched porn, masturbated(he says), checked dating sites, etc. He even stopped watching shows like "Two and a half men" since dday.). He says he had no struggle to do it, no withdrawal. He also never tried to quit before getting caught.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, January 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kat, your post made me think about how my H's SA may have started. He admits that he started masturbating as a young teen and looking at porn magazines. His grandfather was a (recovered) alcoholic so the addiction tendency is in his family.

Sager, what you said about the disease aspect hit home too. I just ran into an old friend whose H suffers from mental illness. He hasn't been able to work for two years and the doctors feel he will never get better than he is now. She said he has good days but bad weeks . Her H was an executive with a large national company before he became ill, now he is constantly heavily medicated and can barely function some days. She commented on how sad she felt that this was all she had to look forward to for the rest of her life.

I had been feeling the same way about my situation but on reflection would not want to change places with her. I guess it made me realize everyone has their cross to bear.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, January 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a strong person in so many other areas of my life except my marriage.

Me, too. And I have a stable FOO - no abuse, neglect, etc.

Does anyone have an explanation for this? Are we too hopeful? Too naive? Too unconditional in our loving?

I think, ruling out self-esteem, co-dep, foo issues, etc. there are a couple things which cause people to stay. Just my theories here. One is commitment. When you have lived a long time in a very committed mindset, its not easy to walk away.
The other, and possibly the stronger, is that marriage is an enmeshment. You DO have a part of your life in that person. You invested your time, energy, love, money, future and past into that person and that marriage. They ARE a part of you. But the abusive side:
Imagine you are caught in a rockslide. Depending on how long you have been together, your level of commitment, how independent you are, and other factors, it may be a foot, a leg, both legs... which is buried.
Some may wait and wait, ever hopeful that help will come to them. Some will amputate. Some may never be able to cut it off and die that way. A few may be able to dig out and save the appendage, bruised and damaged, but able to heal.

My h's SA seems like more of a snowball than a cycle. Unless this was the first go round and its going to repeat. Which is exactly what Im afraid of.

Naturegirl, I think your H is still in what I call the pattern of negative thinking and it seems to be very common in SA. My h explained to me how something would spark a negative thought in him, which may or may not have been actual (like I didnt cook dinner). It would set off a cascade of negativity (she doesnt care about me, she doesnt show me respect, I go to work, come home and cant get a simple meal, its not fair, I deserve better, I dont even get a hug much less sex, last week she did xyz too, she never... Etc etc You get the idea). He says this was his number one biggest trigger, and one of the top things he needed to work on. Currently he is doing really good with this and is like a different person.

Scaredy, that makes total sense to me, about the masturbation. And something I havent admitted to anyone until now, Im sort of worried about my teen dd going down that path. I havent talked to her about it, thought of getting counseling, but how do you tell them you suspect your dd is masturbating too much?!
Also, oddly, my h claims that he did not masturbate alot(nor watch porn alot) until the last six months before dday, not even in his teens. Now, I do not discount the possibility that he is a. not telling the truth or b. doesnt realize the truth! In his case, he more or less claims that his craislist(looking for sex) addiction lead to his porn and masturbating 'addiction'.

And speaking of the filing for divorce making SA stronger... probably. In my case, it definitely got worse after separation. Probably a mixture of the increased time/availability and the extra anger/depression/loneliness of me leaving that added fuel to the fire. He says he developed an "I dont care" attitude about everything during that time.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

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