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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 7
PlainsGirl29
♀ Member
Member # 33520
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, December 18th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think Wh is coming to terms that he is an addict. He imo is both a gambling/sex/love addict and a compulsive liar and is afraid to be alone. I do not think he has hit bottom yet. He did get a jolt into reality on friday night when I found him at a bar with a new OW, and he has realized he is not 'okay'. We are still moving forward with the plans to have him move out after xmas, and in a way I know that this is going to help me, but I am scared to death he may only get worse in his addictive behaviors. We are most likely headed for D at this point, but I still love and care for him and even if we have no hope in the M, I want him to get better at least for the kids sake. he is worried about the financial aspects of seeing an IC, so i have told to at least get in a a 12 step program, he needs to take the initiative though and now that he realizes he has a problem I am just hoping he does seek the help he needs.

Posts: 1146 | Registered: Oct 2011
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, December 18th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Got rid of gun - gave to a friend for safe keeping. Now I'm mad as hell and disgusted with him beyond belief, even more so than before. Was he going to do it? If so, how selfish and cowardly! If not, was he just trying to manipulate sympathy from me? How do I know? Why am I even thinking this way? Someone please tell me this gets better. I feel like I'm going crazy.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
cheetabump
♀ Member
Member # 29596
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, December 18th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, WS....That is some scarey shit!! Glad you removed the gun but not sure what you should do about all of that.
I hope someone with more under their belt can post something to help you there.

Just wanted to share with everyone too that I finally had my little talk with H about him possibly being a SA and his porn addiction etc.

It was a major step for me and I did it lovingly, firm, and with conviction.

He took it well for the most part. He didn't say too much just listened. BUT later that night he couldn't sleep, he kept tossing and turning. I finally asked him if he was alright. He said, he was thinking about our conversation. I asked if he needed to talk and he said no. About 1/2 hr later, he got up and went downstairs.

NOW...this is where I have changed. I normally would've felt guilty, got up, follow him and tried to make HIM feel better. I had not urges, inclination or desire to go to him. Afterall, the restless nights, can't sleep, too much stuff in my head....well...welcome to my world bub!!

He has since recovered and I am so glad I did not waste my precious sleep or brain on him. How nice is that!?

I have let go too...it is up to him to get help. All I can do is take care of me...have a nice holiday in spite of things and enjoy my kids, grandson!!

Thanks for giving me the support I needed to do this.

I have been reading everyone's post. Sabrina...so glad your results were good!! Hooray!!

Everyone, Please be good to yourself. Pretend you are your own best friend and give yourself a hug today!!

More to come...I am sure of that!


Posts: 638 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: NY
oldtimer97
♀ Member
Member # 2365
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, December 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a quick note that I've belonged here for 14yrs, 'cept SI didn't exist then. You can read my growing profile for details.

After this horrendous journey, I've come to the conclusion that my now again WH has more than a roaming eye & more like a personality disorder such as Bipolar or BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) Both conditions are marked by hypersexuality.

I thought I'd pass that around to the group because it can explain those of you who are like me and been affected one too many times and why they don't get a clue.


FWIW, because of brain damage, I write in storyteller form, so hardly any short posts from me & bad eyesight gives me a 50% edit rate..Apologies in advance!

Posts: 3168 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: Sunny Arizona
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, December 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to pop in and say thanks for all the posts. I have been reading daily. I also wanted to encourage those dealing with the co-dep issue. I believe we do what we need to do to survive for the amount of time we need and then slowly we begin to move forward and change ourselves for our betterment and health. I'm not a fan of the term co-dep but I realize and respect that there are some who believe in it. As for me like I said I think our natural flight or fight instinct takes over and we do what we need.hugs to all


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, December 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oldtimer97,

Yes Bipolar does has a component of hypersexuality. Is your Wh seeing a professional and being medicated appropriately? I am not including the Borderline diagnosis in my observation simply because its incidence of occurrence is 3:1 female vs. males, and is not a common diagnosis for a man (not saying that men aren't, it just is very uncommon).

My H is without a doubt NOT bipolar or personality disordered. He is definitely a SA. He has the childhood sexual abuse angle (by his father), along with physical and emotional abuse, and the addiction started prior to junior high. The escalation over the years has been classic SA as well. He has also responded very well to therapy with a CSAT and 12 step group, the prescription that Carnes follows.

I read your profile, and your WH is very screwed up no matter what his diagnosis is. Is he really willing to get help and change? If not, then it is an exercise in futility to try to pinpoint his dysfunction, and the bottom line has to be what are you going to do for YOU. Like many of us, you grew up in dysfunction, too. You have experienced relationships of dysfunction as an adult. I am NOT in any way saying that you have any sort of responsibility for his acting out, because you don't, and you can't influence him one way or another at this point. You can choose to work on you. I think that is the point that many of us are at.

[This message edited by TooManyYears at 2:05 PM, December 19th (Monday)]


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, December 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS is an Addict,

I will speak to your suicide scare with your WH. First of all, you did the right thing in taking away the gun. Any time a threat like that is made, you have to take is seriously. Good job!

Secondly, yes, I have experienced this two times now. The first time was when I first heard the words "sexual addiction", over 10 years ago. My H had been on personal sites at that time, and also a suicide letter site. I was absolutely repulsed by the women he was trolling on the personal site (morbidly obese, low education, and other physical characteristics that made me ill...basically he was trolling for vulnerable women), but I digress. He also had left a suicide letter on a website that I saved a copy of with the personal ads to confront him with. The suicide letter contained the admission that he was a sex addict and could not stop. At the time I really had no understanding at all what that meant. I knew he had been with prostitutes early on in our marriage, and I was always on high alert and playing the detective. Anyways, I came home, sent the kids to a neighbor to confront him. He told me he was going to kill himself to spite me. To spite me? The one he was supposed to love? I know, how bizarre, but this addiction is, cunning and baffling as we say in 12 step. As I said, I didn't understand SA and was not knowledgeable. He white-knuckled for a time and went to an IC at that time, and it did not help.

Fast forward to our last d-day. Without going into the whole sordid tale, our children found out about his latest activities, and there was a police investigation. On d-day the kids and I left and went and spent a night in a hotel. That was one of the longest nights of my life. I went and confronted him at home alone. He of course, pulled the suicide card, and had all the pills in the house on the table. I told him that in no uncertain terms was suicide an option for him until both our kids were 18, and that I expected him to continue working and providing child support. He also agreed to all my terms for our post-nup. Obviously, he did not kill himself. He did take the initiative to research SA and enter treatment of his own accord. At that point, his CSAT gave him books for me to read, and I started learning about SA.

As for the manipulation vs. sincere suicidal desires, I am not sure. I know that my H definitely did feel helpless and suicidal, but yes, I do feel it was all manipulation. But if I would not have taken it seriously and he would have killed himself, I would have felt guilt, so it was best to err on the side of caution.

It gets better when you start to focus on your healing. It is easy for us to focus on the SA and their disease when we are living with them. Please learn all you can, get a CSAT for yourself, find a 12 step group, and take care of you. Self care is so important, especially at this time of year. YOU are worth it!


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, December 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm signing WS up as a dependent on my health insurance. Are there special rules I should know about / have to follow so that his stay at the addiction in-patient center is at least partly covered? Or is that just a hopeless cause? I'm with Humana. Every time I call them, they give me a different answer about what's covered and what's not. If anyone has experience with this and can give me a straight answer, I would appreciate it.

Driving WS to his parents tomorrow (12-hour trip, they're meeting me 2/3 of the way). Then I will be alone and really have to deal with my own feelings / needs. Dreading this beyond belief.

Thanks again for the support. Somehow it helps just knowing I'm not alone.


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, December 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My. Such deep deep topics. Hugs to all of you that have/had to deal with suicidal WHs on top of everything else. Like they haven't done enough already to make your life difficult. Jeebus. I guess this disease knows no bounds.

I've been totally focusing on my own shit and completely ignoring his. Not entirely on purpose, there just aren't enough hours in the day ATM after dealing with kids out of school. So today he tells me he wants to talk to me about his new potential CSAT, out of nowhere. So I guess, even without presenting my written boundaries yet and all that, he's finally listening and doing what he needs to do.

As per insurance, no idea how inpatient/outpatient stuff works, but I know the treatment center we go to gives us bills with the same 5 digit or whatever codes any doctor uses to bill. My IC uses ones to treat depression and anxiety for me, the group therapy uses group therapy codes, IDK what codes WH's IC used before he stopped going. The center we use does not file at all, just gives us the paperwork to file ourselves. So I imagine they pay up to X amount for Y number of times for each kind of code or whatever. The billing person should have some insight on how it all works. Depending on whether the insurance covers any of the bill, we either submit it as a claim or towards our flex spending. Does that make sense? WH does all the insurance stuff now, I haven't handled it in a long time but that is how I remember it working.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, December 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS, in dealing with mental health issues and insurance: usually they will only pay for conditions that are in DSM-5. Unfortunately, sex addiction was not added to the latest edition, although, according to our therapist, it was considered and heavily lobbied for by many health care professionals. Most therapists diagnoses depression, anxiety, or something related to get sessions paid for. In- patient treatment for SA is very tricky to get paid for by insurance. And it is my opinion that treatment needs to be at a facility that is specific to SA. There are several around the country. My addict husband went to a place called "KeyStone" near Philly. We paid out of pocket and it was about $11,000 about 9 years ago. KeyStone is the cheapest of the programs available. We are by no means rich people and needed to take a mortage out on the house to pay for it. In the long run, I think it was a good investment (even though he didn't stop acting out until 6 months ago).

Other folks here may have had a better experience and may be able to provide you with more up-to-date information with insurance.


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, December 19th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, small world. KeyStone is where he is headed. It costs more now, over $20,000 for about 6 weeks, but like you said, cheaper than other places and specialized in SA. Whether we stay together or not, he needs the help and it's worth any amount of money.

What was it like when he first got back? Did you go visit at all?


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, December 20th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS,
I think your h will like KeyStone. Very warm and friendly and they work them hard there. Just as good, if not better than lots of the other places.

It is a very long story, but the "we" part of us had a very bad time while he was at Keystone and when he got back. No fault of the program. No fault of ours really. Just a bad set of circumstances. So I don't think I could provide accurate insight into what most people experience. (At the time, my h was with a VERY, VERY mentally ill therapist here at home.) But I would say that if they offer for you to go for family/couple therapy to go. If they advise him to go to a halfway house after he is discharged, encourage him to do it. Both will help support his recovery and give you insight into the addict.

Keystone also has regular reunions and have a annual session where the spouse and partner can participate. H went to one reunion a while ago. Now that he is sober, he may go back to a reunion or something. They send really nice holiday cards each year also

[This message edited by sager at 6:36 PM, December 20th (Tuesday)]


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, December 20th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, something on the slightly amazing side happened today. I was putting the lights up on my mother's tree and I suddenly felt (dare I say it), happy. Nothing of any significance has happened. Therapy yesterday was nothing special. H is still an addict and facing felony charges. We are still as poor a church mice. But I'm just not feeling the stress and uneasiness.

And you know, I'm going to ride this wave for as long as it lasts!


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, December 20th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am scared. My husband has been in inpatient treatment and worked hard. We have done the family program through his centre together, done communication sessions together, had full disclosure, the whole nine yards. My fear is that he is coming out Dec. 29, he will be going to a half way house which I am thankful for, but I am terrified of him being out if that makes sense. He has expressed wanting to have a sexual relationship with me and I have told him I'm not ready. In counseling today he told both the counselor and I a relapse would mean suicide for him. I am just all around feeling terrified of the unknown, and the talk of suicide scared me even more. I have set my boundaries, stopped my co-dep behaviours a while back, and have been feeling pretty good and now its new fears and its all so unknown. Can there be a real marriage after this? Can we move past this disease? I don't know what I have in me to give.. I guess I just needed to vent it out. With the looming holidays and the release of suspect names in our families murder case is it ok for me to set this aside and focus on my family instead right now?


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, December 20th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hurt,
It is absolutely okay for you to focus on your family right now. They need you and you need them.

In terms of your H coming home. Maybe you don't need to do anything. No decisions. No need to push yourself in one direction or another. Maybe just let the time after he comes home to just unfold as it will. In so many ways it is up to him to prove himself worthy of your trust, love, commitment. You may just need to listen. Maybe you just need to "be".


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, December 20th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Just Wow. I think it is so brave of all of you. Oldtimer, I share the length of time dealing with the dysfunction but certainly not the extremes. My H is BP 2, meaning the cycling isn't as frequent or extreme. To have lived with what you have is, well, I don't know how you have survived.

Hurt, truly, Sager is right. Take the steps to heart. One day at a time. Unfortunately, this IS a life long disease. Fortunately, 12 steps and good CSAT support can help the addict in his recovery. You MUST focus on you. And you have the right to choose when to resume a sex life with him. YOU choose.

Small world indeed. KeyStone is where H went to his first 12 step meeting. Scared him sober. (to start) They have a meeting for out patient attendees and I presume, some of the in-patients attend as well. Since part of his issues deal with the fact that he wanted to be powerful, rich, a "player" in his profession, and never quite got there, it was quite an eye opener to see some formerly rich, powerful "players" brought down to earth, some of whom had lost everything, families, money, positions, and some who were facing jail time for their activities. Of course, I only know that generality, no specifics, but it truly scared him. He attends there from time to time still, but mostly is a bit closer to home. It is a great program, as I do know of others who have gone as inpatients.

I have had a bad month. My dear friend's mother died suddenly last week. I look at my own mortality and all the years wasted, I think back to all the Christmas seasons where he was an abusive ass, there are people at work who are selfish and petty, I have a hard time being in the here and now. My sons are great, and frankly, except for one day when I was particularly bitchy, my H has been great, understanding and patient. I think I just have to get over it myself. Thanks to all of you for allowing me to vent!!!


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2924 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, December 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Took WS up to stay with his parents. Part of me is relieved not to have to see him every day or "watch him" because of the suicide thing. My mother has come to stay with me. It's probably the strongest I've felt since Dday.

Just finished "Mending a Shattered Heart," that was recommended on the first page of this thread. Oddly the idea from it that repeats in my head is that we all need "witnesses of our lives, someone to acknowledge that we existed." Maybe this is a self-esteem thing, but I worry that my life is wasted now, that I am wasted now, and no one (other than my WS) can ever be a true witness to my life. And I'm not sure that he's even a real person anymore, just a shell, an illusion.

I think it may be just feeling the difference in intimacy between me/WS and me/mom. I know she loves me, but she doesn't "know" me as he does. I feel like I have to be careful of what I say to her, and what I reveal to her - not because she is a bad mother by any means or not even because we're not close - but just because she is my mother and not my spouse.

I miss having my WS who I didn't have to hide anything from - even though ironically, he was hiding so much from me.

Hurting. . .


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, December 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS,

I too miss my spouse. Its weird how hurt and angry we can can be from them yet they are who miss and want to lean on. Hang in there, keep posting and keep reading. This is a wonderful group.


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
sager
♀ Member
Member # 173
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, December 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS,
Feeling like a shell of a person is very normal at the beginning of this journey. It won't last forever. Figuring out who to tell what to takes a bit of time. My whole family has known has known the full story for a long time, but I kept it hidden for a few years. My REAL friends also know. some have fallen away, but if they can't be there in the bad times, why would i want to share the good times with them?

Hurt, I understand the missing... while I miss the H I married so much, I think i miss my innocence the most.

Sager


married 21 yr.
d-day #1 8/17/01
d-day #2 7/9/11
3 children - 20, 18, and 16
H in addiction recovery
"Well-behaved women do not make history."

Posts: 1192 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: Upstate NY
WS is an Addict
♀ Member
Member # 34223
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, December 22nd (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm half way through "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal." Really identifying with this one - it's putting words to what I was having trouble expressing before.

I think a lot of what I'm feeling right now is what the authors have deemed a natural response to trauma in general. I don't want to leave the house. I am paranoid about going back to work. I ran around the house hiding things that triggered bad memories. I generally feel unsafe and want to "protect" myself. When my mom asked me to drive 3 hours to spend Christmas with the rest of our family (a logical thing to do!), I couldn't explain why - I just didn't want to go!

Now that I know this is quite likely my sub-conscious brain in survival mode, as opposed to my conscious brain in crazy mode. . .there's something relieving about that. Liking the premise of this book quite a bit. Thanks to SI for posting the list and to sager who encouraged me to educate myself!


DDay for physical infidelities: 12/14/11
Me: 30 Him: 29 (SA - diagnosed 1/2/2012)
Married 4 years, Together 10 years
Reconciling, as long as he remains active in his recovery.

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2011
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