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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 7
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, December 12th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Sabina)))

I'll say a little prayer tonight that you get good news tomorrow.


Posts: 1434 | Registered: Oct 2011
Melody3
♀ Member
Member # 33591
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, December 12th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you know if your H is a sex addict? I've recently been reading about it and i'm seriously wondering if he is....


BS (me): 37
WH: 37
Separated: 9/2/2010
DDay: 10/2010 PA with OW. Married 13 yrs, Together 20
Two kids, 7 (daughter) & 3(son)
Divorced 12/2013

Posts: 752 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, December 13th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From therapy and talking with addictions counselor I have learned that they usually know more than we think they do and so we need to be open but cautious. Hugs to all

Hurt94, thanks for posting this. If you learn more and feel like sharing, Iím sure it would be appreciated.

{{{Driving}}} That is a tough question, about what to tell the children. Usually, you want them to know about addictions, so they can prepare themselves for living with them and guarding against them in their lives later on, but with SA, itís a land-mine of a subject in so many ways! Itís scary to think that mine know more than I think they know. What a nightmare.


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, December 13th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Melody,

Here's a website where you could start reading. An evaluation by a CSAT would help you determine what you are dealing with.

{{{ Hugs }}}

http://www.sexhelp.com/

edited to actually add the link

[This message edited by Compartmented at 7:34 AM, December 13th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, December 13th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sabina ---- sending good wishes for your results today!!!!!!!

Ghost, im sorry you are going through so much. Hugs!

hurt, sager........ how did you manage to bring it up? I just cant. I dont even know how to talk about addiction in something like this! Im worried about how this is going to affect her sexual future (she isnt active yet, never had a bf yet).

hath, you go girl. You are making so many personal changes for the better. such an inspiration! (sorry Im sure my inconsistency with caps and lack of apostrophes must bug ya, lol. I used to be that way but now Im laaaazy).

Melody, I think as you read it will become more clear to you. I had many doubts, and still have some. It can be hard to realize, esp if they are not on the extreme end, and even harder to accept. Will write more to you later when I have a chance.

Going to his csat with him today. Not sure why csat asked for me to come along. hmmm.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
Melody3
♀ Member
Member # 33591
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, December 13th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Compartmented
and Driving Past.


BS (me): 37
WH: 37
Separated: 9/2/2010
DDay: 10/2010 PA with OW. Married 13 yrs, Together 20
Two kids, 7 (daughter) & 3(son)
Divorced 12/2013

Posts: 752 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, December 13th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was able to open the door on talking about addiction in general by simply talking about drugs and alcohol. Then we talked about all the other kinds of addiction, gambling, shopping and even sex. My children are older and could recognize some problems already so we had to start talking.


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, December 13th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My kids are older. Young adults. I think they know some of the facts if not the details. When I first found out about strippers, I thought the extent of it was that and EAs. I specifically told them that he had NOT had an affair, that we were dealing with "an addiction."

That said, I think they know there's other stuff. He needs to tell them. There's addiction of various types on both sides of our families. DS#1 deals with depression and, I fear, some alcohol abuse. I see signs of PA behavior in both of them. I worry that they'll believe I lied to them, yet at the time, I believed what I told them (about no affair) I also want a chance to tell them why I chose to stay.

H wants to tell them on his own. He believes, with considerable credence, that they will think that I am orchestrating the "confession"

I believe they are incredibly awesome people and will be compassionate and understanding of him, and ultimately of me. And I believe they HAVE to know, both to protect themselves from the same behaviors and to keep them from ever doing this to any partner.

Sager, welcome back!
Sabrina, honey...prayers and positive thoughts...


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, December 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sabina, I am thinking of you today and hope you find good news with your results.

So yesterday I had my followup HIV test. That means I have not had sex for six months. Gah.

I am immersing myself in the holiday craziness. I have this thing, I make little faux gingerbread houses out of graham crackers for my kids' classes. Yeah, that means about 60 houses, because they are not old enough yet to be able to construct them themselves yet, just decorate. Yes, I am insane. . There is nothing like cussing out an uncooperative cookie at midnight.

Anyway, it's something I really enjoy doing for the kids, and they love it. I just wish I hadn't scheduled doing it the same day as the school holiday concerts and the day before their holiday parties. That was unwise. I am also upping the ante by bringing the 3YO with me when I do them with the kids.

So when all this settles down, I need to write out my boundaries for WH (he still is waiting on pins and needles for them, LOL). And I also realized what I'm most pissed about with his recovery (no current CSAT, no SA sponsor, no recovery or relapse plan) I don't have 3 out of 4 for myself. So I can't really rail on him about that without doing those things for myself first.

Have a good day mamas, and do something nice for yourself.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Content  Posted: 9:20 AM, December 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone~

Thanks so much for all of the good wishes & support!!

Results all came back benign! Thank goodness! I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I have minor issues that will need biannual follow up, but otherwise I'm in the clear.

Re telling kids:

Ours are young adults and know about the A's, but we've not told them about the SA because SAWH is in denial & adamantly refuses. However, the kids know I attended 12 step meetings for a year & we discuss addiction once in a while. This is not the best solution & I'm unhappy with it, but for now this is how I've managed it.


@ Melody3~

It's impossible to know if a WS is a full fledged SA unless they're diagnosed by a certified sex addiction therapist (CSAT). Try looking for one in your area here:

http://www.sexhelp.com/sex-addiction-help/sex-addiction-therapists

If there isn't one near you, try finding an addiction certified IC to evaluate your WS.

@ hath, re: houses~

You go girl! I've always wanted to go gingerbread houses, but have always made excuses. I bought a Wilton kit this year & plan to do it up all by myself.

~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
KickedintheGut
♀ Member
Member # 30086
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, December 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{{Sabina}}}}}

Woo hoo girl! I've been thinking about you and sending all my *benign*, *benign*, *benign* thoughts your way.

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, etc, etc!!


Me - BW (38) Him (calcitro) - SAWH (38)
2 Kids Working on R
DDay#1 - 11/9/10 - 2 year EA/PA
DDay #2 - 12/9/10
Disclosure - 4/8/11
Timeline - 5/9/11

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2010
2kidsandadog
♀ Member
Member # 33679
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, December 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, I want to say thank you for letting me post on this thread. I am not currently living with the SA because we have been divorced for 7 months. But, reading these posts helps me process what was impossible to process some 5-6 years ago when in the thick of discovery after discovery after discovery.

I had a multitude of decisions of why I stayed 5 years after learning what he was up to. I continued to wait for the "Ah ha" moments of acknowledgement of his shitty behaviors, and thought for sure I meant enough to him to start the recovery process. But, as addiction is present and fully functioning, one's priorities are but a faded fantasy!!

I am in the post-divorce phase of SA and have recently been feeling shamed and stupid for having sucked it up as long as I did AFTER discovering all this. My kids were just starting high school and my youngest ended up in drugs, criminal activity, jail and ultimately placed into rehab. He had been out of rehab for 1 year before I finally said "Fuck it, I've had enough of this bullshit"!!!!

On recurring feelings and triggers. I lost both my parents by the time I was 10 so the issues of abandonment and anxiety creep up for me quite often. I began counseling in 10th grade and stayed in it off and on for approximately 30 years or more. The one thing I've learned about those feelings that creep up every now and then is that they are always going to. I've had to learn to deal with them when they happen, and not let them debilitate my life. Life is a journey and hopefully one can learn more from their journey, than be taken down by it.

All I know is that friends and family waited patiently for me to finally be done with him, and come full circle with the process of leaving and divorcing. If I hadn't had children, I would have never waited so long. Would have left him and slept with him a million times while bouncing back and forth, but wouldn't have tried to shield the family because I would have thought more for myself. My ex (at least as of separation time) was still in denial of his issues. Claimed that I was trying to be his "arm-chair" psychologist, or something to that vain. So, I finally surrendered to trying to convince him and supply him with a plethora of materials pointing towards that. Like I said earlier, I finally said fuck it! I had to actually decide that my life still had some value left and start breaking the cycle of staying with a man that treats me badly in all areas. No, he didn't physically abuse me but there were times I'd secretly wish he did so I could get rid of him easiser. I know, sick but true.

Moving on to happier lives is more valuable than I ever told myself. In the end, I never thought I'd be able to live without him for some idiotic reason, but I do!

I have a great guy now and I continue to work towards self growth and being able to participate in websites such as this has made a huge difference in my life and soul. Thanks for letting me vent!!!

[This message edited by 2kidsandadog at 10:54 AM, December 14th (Wednesday)]


Divorced 05/11/11 -
2kids - 20 and 22 (Thank God for them)

Too many Ddays to count. Enough said!


Posts: 693 | Registered: Oct 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, December 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sabina, I am so relieved and happy for you! That is wonderful news!

One class down with gingerbread houses, one to go. My oldest's class, they are now old enough to make the houses look really cool and fantastic. And they are old enough to do it without much supervision, bonus. The teacher played carols and we all had a great time.

Tomorrow I get to do it again with middle child's class, but her class is younger and only two other kids did it with us last year as opposed to a third of the class being seasoned experts today. So it will be a little more challenging but still fun.

I'm beginning to feel a little more at peace this season. WH hasn't really done anything different as far as his recovery, I think it's just the changes in *me* that are helping. I am so glad I have had you ladies, S-Anon, and my class to help me get here.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
2kidsandadog
♀ Member
Member # 33679
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, December 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to hear you got cleared Sabina! This kind of good news is always good to hear especially around holiday time.


Divorced 05/11/11 -
2kids - 20 and 22 (Thank God for them)

Too many Ddays to count. Enough said!


Posts: 693 | Registered: Oct 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, December 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2kids, thanks for sharing. I struggle daily with the decision to try and work it out. It's a hard road to follow, and it may ultimately end up in divorce. What I am learning in S-Anon, tho, is everyone has to make their own journey on that front. That it all happens for a reason, and you are shown the way and there is a purpose in taking the route you do and the decisions you make at the time.

It's hard. Not a day goes by that I don't question why I am still here. What kind of example am I setting for my children, staying with someone that could do this to the person they are supposed to love most. But I also know, if it comes to divorce, I want to be able to look my children in the eye and tell them I did everything to save my marriage, me, and their father. I know mistakes will be made on both our parts and our children will be negatively affected as a result. But if I don't go on this journey, I will not be able to tell them that in good faith.

And I bet it's similar for you. I hope it's similar for you, that there are no regrets that you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. And that you are now at peace with that, in your new, happier life. I know if nothing else *I* learned something from reading about your experience.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, December 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath,

I am so glad youre feeling more at peace. And thank you for sharing so much about S-Anon. Since I started going things have "clicked" inside me and I see changes already. The family program I am in through sa treatment centre is amazingly helpful too.

Sabina,

Woohoo, congrats. Hope you rest a little easier now!

And just another note on telling the kids, for me personally and from what I have learned at the family programing, its important that they know the situation but don't need the details. It needs to be clear this is an addiction like any other addiction, and that there is something different in the brain of all addicts and that once active addiction starts the brain gets damaged, but can be repaired through treatment and recovery. That said,we also need to be mindful of how we say what we say and also if we avoid telling them (especially with tweens and teens) we need to be mindful of what ideas they are getting about sex, and healthy relationships as well. As I stated before the counselors at family program were very clear to tell us that kids of all ages usually know more than we think they do, because even behind closed doors they might overhear, or if they can read may have inadvertantly stumbled upon some of the literature we read. Just wanted to share what I have learned so far.

Have a good day all! Do something for you this week! I did family program!


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, December 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sabina ... SO GLAD to hear the good news. What a relief that must be for you!

RE: telling the kids, I think I would have an easier time saying he had an affair, than talking abt the sa part. Still dont know what to do but I need to get her in counseling, and beginning next year our insurance wont cover any of it. Which totally sucks.

2kidsandadog... you shouldnt feel ashamed that you did everything you could to help him and save your marriage. I think of it as an honorable thing, and best of all, that you knew when it was time to get out.

hath, glad to know you are finding more peace. I think I am too (though it didnt look that way last weekend.)

Another question for the group... Do you think you are co-dependent and why? Im thinking about this today.


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, December 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hooray, Sabrina!!!! I am so happy to hear your news!!!

Again, thank you all for sharing your stories. I am reading and learning everyday.

[This message edited by Ghostwalker at 5:11 PM, December 14th (Wednesday)]


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, December 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SABRINA!!! Thank the stars and moon and whatever higher power you pray to!

Merry Christmas! A blessing to all of us who value you as a friend, cyber and otherwise.

(((((((Smooch!!!!)))))))))


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, December 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{Sabina!}}}}

What wonderful news!

To 2kidsandadog: thank you for your post. I didn't take it as a vent. I learned a lot from it, especially as I move forward myself in this crazy divorce process. I'm so happy that you're doing well. And I'll try to remember that life is a journey - and that I don't want my husband to take me down with him.

I think you're pretty brave. I probably would never have left my husband if he didn't leave me first. Now he's begging to come back, but it's too late.

Driving: Yes, I am co-dependent. I've been locked into a huge battle trying to save my husband over and over for many years now. It has exhausted me and isolated me from others. I try to stop him from his behavior. I try to prevent it by being perfect and making him happy. I snoop. I lie for him.

Yup. I've become co-dependent mess. Even now, 13 weeks after D-Day and our separation, I snoop on Craigslist and think about how I can stop his destructive behavior. How I can fix him so that my whole life as I know it won't be over.

But luckily the separation and impending divorce moves forward. It's good for me to keep busy and forget about him for a few hours a day. I can relax a bit thinking that at least if something happens to him, it won't reflect so much on me. Yes, I know - this sounds mean. But maybe it's also a good thing because I'm concentrating on and protecting myself for a change instead of my SAWH.


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