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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 7
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, November 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sabina, I hope the mystery substance turns out to be nothing. Straw, totally second finding a S-Anon group to find strength in numbers, it really helps.

Kat, that's the million dollar question. I totally feel the same way, although I am only beginning to explore it in therapy. I still go through the motions of glass-half full stuff, I say all those things, etc but I don't feel them in my heart any more.

I went to IC today after missing last time. Gah, have a synopsis of my life for the last 15 years and it's so depressing. Seriously, my whole life has been one step forward two steps back. WH and I have been hit with a number of negative life changes and each time we get back up again, we get knocked down by things out of our realm control. Seriously Lifetime movie type stuff, LOL. And the whole time, I'm trying to spout half glass full type comments but I can't believe my own life story sometimes. So while there's no sexual or substance abuse, no physical abuse, etc in my life story (and not in his either) there's lots of death, layoffs, moving cross country multiple times, kids with massively time-consuming medical and behavioral issues, crushing debt, etc. So anyway it's no wonder I didn't see the SA freight train coming, LOL, I have been furiously scooping water out of the lifeboat for years.

Don't like to think about that stuff. I like to forget and be grateful for what we have now, look for opportunities in the future. But I guess you never know where you are gonna go until you know where you have been. Maybe that's it, Kat. So much unresolved stuff outside of the SA, that needs attention an has been neglected as a result of the SA time/energy suck, that we are angry we can't deal with our stuff as we should. We are digging ditches with spoons, because SA took our shovels.

Which if we were given back our shovels, we would be inclined to hit our WH with them and then bury them in the back yard.

Ok, clearly it's bedtime for me. loopy and tired.

Hang in there mamas.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, November 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sabina, I hope the mystery substance turns out to be nothing. Straw, totally second finding a S-Anon group to find strength in numbers, it really helps.

Kat, that's the million dollar question. I totally feel the same way, although I am only beginning to explore it in therapy. I still go through the motions of glass-half full stuff, I say all those things, etc but I don't feel them in my heart any more.

I went to IC today after missing last time. Gah, have a synopsis of my life for the last 15 years and it's so depressing. Seriously, my whole life has been one step forward two steps back. WH and I have been hit with a number of negative life changes and each time we get back up again, we get knocked down by things out of our realm control. Seriously Lifetime movie type stuff, LOL. And the whole time, I'm trying to spout half glass full type comments but I can't believe my own life story sometimes. So while there's no sexual or substance abuse, no physical abuse, etc in my life story (and not in his either) there's lots of death, layoffs, moving cross country multiple times, kids with massively time-consuming medical and behavioral issues, crushing debt, etc. So anyway it's no wonder I didn't see the SA freight train coming, LOL, I have been furiously scooping water out of the lifeboat for years.

Don't like to think about that stuff. I like to forget and be grateful for what we have now, look for opportunities in the future. But I guess you never know where you are gonna go until you know where you have been. Maybe that's it, Kat. So much unresolved stuff outside of the SA, that needs attention an has been neglected as a result of the SA time/energy suck, that we are angry we can't deal with our stuff as we should. We are digging ditches with spoons, because SA took our shovels.

Which if we were given back our shovels, we would be inclined to hit our WH with them and then bury them in the back yard.

Ok, clearly it's bedtime for me. loopy and tired.

Hang in there mamas.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, November 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

S. Kat ~ I am so sorry you are struggling. I've always valued your advice and input -- and admire your strength!

That said -- SA seems to be a different animal. The discovery rocks one to the core. I am at the very start of this journey with a spouse who had done little to nothing to address his addiction. I am hypervigilant, suffer from PTSD, situational depression and anxiety. I have always been a strong person who has survived many tragedies, but this experience has been my tipping point.

I told my therapist that even the strongest swimmer drowns in a tsunami. This is our tsunami, hon. But I will not go down without a fight -- and neither will you. Keep fighting! I will send prayers that you once again feel happiness. You deserve it. We all do. I hope you find your smile again. Hugs...

Edited to add ~ shout out to Hath who always inspires me! Keep smiling, darlin' and hugs as well to you.

[This message edited by Ghostwalker at 9:00 PM, November 28th (Monday)]


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, November 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all. Just wanted to say that all of you are so very brave.
Sabina I am praying that you health comes your way.

After reading the last few days here, it seems that some believe they have lost themselves or are struggling. We have all been surrounded by the addiction, recovery or acting out that we can't think about our own goals, our own lives. We have been focused on our marriages and what, how, when SA will or if they recover. I revisited something I enjoyed a long time ago and have spent some time by myself each week. It has done wonders!!!

My SA and I had a blowup. He continued to deny anything happened, said he took me for granted, is only being treated for depression and asked me to go to marriage counseling again in the same sentence he accused me of having an affair! He said I have issues.

You know what happened last time in MC? He belittled me and put his wall up. Besides no MC should occur until he is in recovery for himself and he is still angry and abusive to me.

I think he just wants to prolong the D so his image won't be shocked.

I say let's all have some chocolate together!


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, November 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Torn - You bring the chocolate and I'll bring the wine!

Sabina - so glad to hear the procedure went well. Still sending you healing vibes on the mystery area.

Hath - Thank you again for your posts. You are so articulate and funny too. I wonder if you really know how much help you are to us here?

Ghost - So glad you survived TG!!! I felt so lucky that we live away from family so we could just be alone and not have to deal with people.

This board and this thread in particular save my sanity. There are no SA groups here or S-Anon either. I'm going to Al-Anon (SAWH is 20 years sober) but I can't imagine telling my story to people I'm likely to run into IRL. This is such a small town.

I really wish we could do some kind of live chat or skype group. I'd dearly love to be able to communicate with you ladies in person. It is SOOO nice not to feel like a freak.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 917 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, November 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Re: Finding ourselves/Feeling lost-

For a long time I too believed that I wanted 'the person I used to be' back, but I've changed my mind now. I used to be a person who ignored the danger signs, who absolutely refused to step out of her comfort zone, who wouldn't know a boundary if one bit her on the @$$, I was a woman who stepped over almost any personal line in order to 'keep SAWH happy'. After much trauma and stress and whatnot I'm a different woman: more honed, more sure of herself, less cringing, less fearful, a learner. I don't want to go back to who I used to be.

Similarly, I don't want my M back to 'the way it used to be' either. I mean, SAWH got away with bloody murder- with my blessing and, unknowingly, my help. I know what I want, and am slowly reconciling with the fact that I'm highly unlikely to achieve a new relationship with SAWH. Given SAWH's actions and behaviors, my M is, in fact, headed down the $h!tt3r. Not something I wanted or foresaw or worked for.

Anyhow, that's just my .2 cents, I value the variety of perspectives we have here. It's always good to know that other couples are having success & are becoming healthier.


Hugs~~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
DevastatedTwice
♀ Member
Member # 29061
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, November 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everybody. I've been at SI for a while. My husband is a SA. He's had two affairs and almost a third. After the first, he was completely broken and was the best trust rebuilder I've ever heard of. When he started a new job, he got involved with someone else. It was then that he realized that his affairs were part of his addiction that had been a porn addiction up until then. He couldn't face his shame and remained with girl #2. I filed for divorce and moved forward, but the whole time still loved him and was mad at myself that it wasn't easier to move on. One day away from our divorce, he left his job and the girl and said he needed help. I postponed my divorce. For the last year and a half, it's been up and down. I found him still chatting with girl #2 a year ago and was out the door until he started attending SA and counseling and appeared to be completely broken. In the last year, things have been up and down. I've had to give him ultimatums regarding doing his step work and getting a sponsor. He always does what I expect. Sometimes he's the sweetest thing to me and other times recovery seems like such a chore to him. That has been a red flag to me. His iphone has always been a huge trigger for me because he used it to completely fool me while with girl #2. He did EVERYTHING he could to hide his affair and keep me. He's gone to great lengths in the past to avoid being found out and face the shame of what he's done.

Sunday night, I was triggered by his phone and asked to see it. He's told me several times lately that he is willing to do whatever I need to restore trust. I asked to see his phone. He agreed but when I went to take it, he got upset and said he didn't understand why I was questioning things. He got extremely angry when I pushed to see the phone. The only times I've ever seen him this way is when he was caught or almost caught cheating. I gave him several chances to give me the phone. He wouldn't. I told him if I left the room, we would have to be done because I would never believe he had nothing to hide. He let me go saying he was sick of being watched and tired of the prison of having to account for everything he does.

I know that either way, I can't be with him. I'm about 95% sure he's cheating or hiding something. There's no reason he wouldn't let me see the phone otherwise. But even if he's not, he's unwilling to do what I need to do to rebuild trust.

Now, he's apologizing and saying that he was wrong and was being stubborn and that theres nothing to hide and there's no one else. He's saying he's just mad at himself for all the consequences he's caused us. He's texting me and telling me where he is and what he's doing. I told him that was unnecessary now. If he can't rebuild trust all the time, there's no reason to do it sometimes. He keeps apologizing for making recovery seem like a burden and saying how great I've been and on and on.

I saw my counselor yesterday. She thinks I should give him one last ultimatum. Check himself into a 30-day treatment program. I'm not sure.

I know I can't be continually emotionally abused. It's just so hard to make the tough decisions. It's so hard to know your children will be destroyed. It's so hard to know I will face months and years of pain. But staying in a mediocre marriage isn't a good option either. The hardest part is that I still love him. Why do I still love him? Why do I still wish things could somehow work out after all he's put me through? Just needed to vent. I would appreciate not being told what a jerk he has been to me. I already know it. :(


Me - BS - 39
Him - WH, SA - 39
Married 17 yrs.
3 kids- 16, 13, 8
Dday#1 - 3/16/07 PA
D-day#2- 9/21/09 PA, began recovery 6/8/10
D-day#3- 11-8-10 False recovery.
D-Day#4- 12/27/11 Third PA, divorcing
Divorced- 6/6/12

Posts: 405 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: California
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, November 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cheatermagnet: what kind of choc do you like? Yes, I agree, I wish we could have a wine party in person. Me, you, sager, hath, sabina...all of us.

Devastated: I am in the same place, however, I have not taken him back since I filed. Unbelieveably, same behaviors! Mine even told me this morning where he was going and his daily agenda and I am asked him for the settlement agreement last week!! He wants to keep up the facade, the fake "happy family". Also, he doesn't want to pay for CS/SS after 22 yrs of M.

I know you did not want this for your kids, neither did I. We didn't cause this, they did! Our kids will be ok.

I want a real marriage too. Not something that is half baked. My IC told me a long time ago the same thing. "But he's doing xyz". That's not enough for me. I can't tell you what to do. Have you seen real changes in his actions? Can you live like you are now for 2-5 more years while he "recovers"? These are what I asked myself.

I just wanted to say that I had the same decision before me and I chose to let him go. I don't want to checkup on him and the trust is gone. To me, no trust, no marriage. Besides all the daily abusive actions toward me.

Hugs to you in whatever you decide.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
DevastatedTwice
♀ Member
Member # 29061
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, November 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

torn- Thanks for understanding. I guess I just need to be heard. To have someone tell me this sucks. He's been doing just enough to "get by". He thinks he's in recovery because he goes to SA and counseling. He hasn't gotten a sponsor. I gave him the ultimatum to work through the steps and I got the most sincere email about how he was so sorry I had to even ask and that I deserve everything I've asked for and he agreed that he would do the steps in my time frame. He did them the week before my deadline and finished the night before......I had given him 3 months. He goes to SA meetings weekly and is late every week. I feel like he's trying to do just the bare minimum so I won't leave. That's just not good enough. Everything I ask him to do....he agrees to do lovingly and then he either never gets it done or does it begrudgingly.

I guess I know that even if I have no proof that he's still cheating, I do have proof that he's really not serious about making amends......until he thinks he will lose me.

I just hate the injustice of this whole thing.


Me - BS - 39
Him - WH, SA - 39
Married 17 yrs.
3 kids- 16, 13, 8
Dday#1 - 3/16/07 PA
D-day#2- 9/21/09 PA, began recovery 6/8/10
D-day#3- 11-8-10 False recovery.
D-Day#4- 12/27/11 Third PA, divorcing
Divorced- 6/6/12

Posts: 405 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: California
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, November 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hola mamacitas. So yesterday was IC with the CSAT, and today I finally got to go to my second S-Anon meeting. Go me!

This meeting has an optional step work component beforehand, that I will attend (because when else am I going to be able to do it, LOL). Today I worked on step one, and I took my shovel/spoon analogy a bit further.

Said that SA has consumed my life to the point even mundane daily tasks have become overly difficult and sometimes nearly impossible. That it is like digging ditches with a spoon, instead of a shovel. And when you are used to digging ditches with a shovel, you really come to resent that spoon. You hate your WH for putting you in a position that you have to use a spoon now. You hate that your higher power has taken your shovel away. You hate yourself for not being grateful that at least you have a spoon. And it all just makes you angry and further pushes the cycle of the vortex of SA consuming your life.

So I meditated on it, thought about it, prayed about it. This is what I came up with. Right now, I need the spoon. If I had the shovel now, like I mentioned before, I'd whack my DH with it and bury him in the back yard. And that wouldn't really help anybody, LOL. And now that it takes so long to dig ditches with a spoon, I have to question everything I do. Is this a ditch that I *need* to dig, that is essential to my existence, my healing, my recovery, my health? Or do I want to dig it because I've always dug it, never questioned why I dug it, and I don't know any other way? Is my time best served by digging this ditch, now or ever? Do I need I to dig it all? Or maybe I need instead build a bridge. Or, as someone else pointed out later, maybe I need to use the spoon to feed me instead. Right now I need to question everything, make sure that in this new chapter in my life I am dedicating my energy to the right things.

And THAT is why I have a spoon, why my shovel was taken away. It is a blessing in disguise, and I need to stop being angry about it.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, November 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sabina, to take Hath's spoon analogy one step further, you've given me food for thought...

I make a MEAN chocolate cheesecake....


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2924 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, November 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DevastatedTwice,

First of all, welcome. Secondly, check out the resources on page one of the thread, learn all you can, and find support.

The IC you are dealing with, are they a CSAT? Only a CSAT is qualified to diagnose and treat SA. If this particular IC is not a CSAT, ask for a referral to one or use the internet to search for one in your area. It would be like if I needed open heart surgery, I would not see a general practioner, I would see a cardiothoracic surgeon. My H did see several IC over the years when he tried to appease me and white knuckle. They were absolutely not qualified to deal with his addiction, and addicts are cunning, so he fooled them quite easily, all the while his SA was escalating to very dangerous and even illegal behaviors.

Is your WH interested in exploring whether he is a SA or not? I honestly don't see any value in a 30 day treatment program if the SA is not ready to embrace recovery. Sure, the SA can suspend their behaviors and white knuckle for awhile, but for real recovery to occur, they have to be completely ready to change because they have reached their rock bottom, not to appease you or to save a marriage. They have to want to change because they are utterly miserable with themselves. Changing for someone else does not work with addiction. Addiction is rooted in issues deep inside that must be dealt with. It is a very intense life changing experience to embark on recovery.

I don't mean to sound so pessimistic, but you cannot force an addict into recovery with an ultimatum. The most important thing you can do right now is to embrace recovery for YOU with the help of a CSAT for you (for IC), 12 step group, and self-care. Regardless of whether he ever embraces recovery or not, you have a lot to deal with now. Take care of YOU, YOU are worth it!

ETA....I just read your second post. I see he is going to SA. You are right that the bare minimum is not going to cut it. Is his IC a CSAT? My H does 12 step, CSAT led group, Recovery Nation, listens to podcasts, and does workbook activities. And he is over 2 years in recovery now. Recovery has to be a complete lifestyle change that the addict embraces. Hours per week of replacing old behaviors (not just acting out, but other unhealthy behaviors, such as being lazy and watching tv instead of housework and exercise) to become more physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally healthy. It has to touch every aspect of the addict. That is what a healthy sustainable recovery looks like. What you are currently describing is white knuckling. It is full of resentment....being "forced" to go to group and be transparent.

Also, the steps shouldn't be completed "on my time frame". The steps need to be completed slowly and with true contemplation. The book my H is using to complete the steps through is a Carnes book "The Gentle Path". My H is just finishing his 9th step after over 2 years. And if he doesn't have a sponsor, someone seasoned in recovery to discuss the steps with and the actions he needs to take, why bother working them? You need to let go of that. You cannot control his recovery. I am not trying to sound harsh, but that is a role for his CSAT and sponsor.

So again, my question for you is what are you doing to take care of YOU? The focus needs to be taken off him and his addiction. He will either choose recovery or not, that is outside of your control. You have choices, you have power. Take that back.

[This message edited by TooManyYears at 5:29 PM, November 29th (Tuesday)]


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, November 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sabina,

That was an excellent post. I know that I certainly don't ever want things to go back to how they were. My life was a living hell and a continual nightmare of keeping up appearances and pushing all the crap under the surface. That is so stressful. I think the stress contributes greatly to our physical health, too.

I am not trying to say that what you are going through is the direct result of living with an addict, but we shouldn't underestimate the effects of the stress on our bodies. I am thinking of you, and hoping the pathological results are good. It takes up to a week to get a pathology report back, so I don't think 2 weeks is an unreasonable amount of time, but it sure seems like a long time when you are waiting.

I hope as always that you are taking care of yourself. Be extra good to yourself.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, November 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hathnofury,

It sounds like you are making great progress! You are a quick study. The IRL support of S-Anon is invaluable. I am so glad you have found a group. Recovery is for us, too.

I also wanted to share something with you. There is a saying in one of the S-Anon readings that we do at every meeting about how after you are in recovery you will be amazed at how it effects everything in your life, including your finances and relationships with others, and it is true. I know that in the last year especially, life doesn't always seem like that constant struggle. I am not the victim. I have reached out and made friends. I am the most social now that I have ever been. We have accomplished so much around our house, and our finances are in the best shape they have been in years. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I am a huge cheerleader for recovery because I know it works. It is hard work, but it does pay off.

[This message edited by TooManyYears at 5:46 PM, November 29th (Tuesday)]


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
♀ Member
Member # 26108
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, November 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

scaredyKat,

I could have written your post at the beginning of this year.

So girls (and any guy who may be lurking) give me some support here. WHY, after these 3 years, with a remorseful spouse, who is in active recovery, (he's stepped up things considerably) who let's me vent and responds appropriately, WHY aren't I happy? Why can't I regain ME? the optimistic, glass half-full, people are good, there's beauty in rainy days, ME??? I have only fleeting seconds of feeling happy! The last time I felt happy was June of the year before the August I found out about his stripper fixation, 2008. I used to get up every morning, THRILLED to be alive and healthy and to have a wonderful family...you get the picture.

I cannot regain any of this. I HAVE made the choice to. I was on antidepressants, it didn't help, they just kept me from crying all the time. I hate the way I am.

I have significant FOO issues that I dealt with prior to my marriage. Of course all this crap with him unearthed it. Maybe that's the problem, but they aren't issues I am unaware of so I do.

I think that although I was in S-Anon and my H was in active recovery, I was not putting the appropriate focus on me. It is so easy to fall into victim mode, especially when it is comfortable for you because you have grown up in an abusive FOO. I know that is my internal default.

You mention that you have FOO issues that you have dealt with. Perhaps you need to revisit them with the help of your CSAT? Just being aware of the issues is not necessarily enough to take care of them. I know that I started doing intensive therapy with my CSAT in March, and it has made a lot of difference. I have really opened up and told him things I have told no one else in life, not even my H. I am not 100% there yet, but I am making progress, and it has changed my outlook tremendously. I think I am much calmer (although I still have anxiety attacks at times) and that I am taking much better care of myself. I am much more optimistic about things, too. We hardly ever talk about my H and our marriage. Generally the focus is on my own FOO and traumatic feelings from even before I chose a SA spouse.

Your tagline says you are mad as hell. I don't want to minimize that you are mad, you have every right to feel that way. But on some level (and you know this, you are a smart cookie), you have to move past that. Anger is only going to keep you paralyzed. We can't go back and change the fact that our marriages were a sham for the first 90% of it. We can chose to move forward though. We all work through our anger in our own time and our own way. I know that when I quit feeling like he had wronged me and cheated me of the dreams I had, I started moving forward. I really think you ought to look into IC with a CSAT. Just my 2 cents. I don't want you to go through life crying and miserable, especially a few years out. I don't think long term anti-depressants are the answer, either (I should say that for some people they are a lifesaver). I think when they are just dulling the pain and it isn't being dealt with, that is not going to be effective. It is hard work to work through the pain, anger, and sadness. But YOU are worth it!


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, November 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TMY, can you be my sponsor? Gah, I wish you were in my group. We have a LOT of newbies and need more seasoned people. Not that you don't learn from newbies too, but I like to see different points on the timeline, especially ones that are different from my own.

I'm all for the chocolate and wine (although quite honestly champagne goes better with chocolate). And chocolate cheesecake, and whatever else. :giggle2:

Big hugs to everyone. The holidays are rough on us, no? Let's take a deep breath and hope we can get through all the December madness.

So this is what I did for ME today, other than going to group. I had 15 minutes of child free time to spare today, and instead of eating lunch I went to a local yarn store. Seriously, going to place that that for a yarn enthusiast is like a druggie going in a crackhouse, LOL, so I have not been in ages. But I did buy some really fantastic yarn for ME, and I'm more than halfway done working it up into a beautiful infinity scarf.

I had not been able to really do any knit/crochet work since DDay, could not concentrate enough to do it without messing it up. Then after all the pieces fell into place, the class, the IC, the 12 step, etc I suddenly could again. I've cranked out 5 projects in these past two weeks. Of course part of it was due to being quarantined with the sicky littles, but still I think it means some sort of progress is going on that I can do it again, and that I'm not using it to avoid dealing with my feelings and situation. Yahoo!


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, November 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the spirit of posting what we are doing for ourselves I would like to share a little about ME! In addition to having an sawh (who is in a treatment program, only after he was finally able to accept and admit he is SA) I am also a mother of two teenagers, a full time college student and a full time support to my sister who tragically lost her boys to murder only 5 months ago!! You guys have really shown me the light in needing something for me! The 7 weeks since I have foind SI have been the most informative and supportive! Anyway so for me in this last week I have joined SAnon, started working on step one, have journaled my feelings, and because of final exams in college happening next week I bought myself a wonderful cappacino. In such a short time my life has changed drastically and I want to remind you all that there is always hope, always some blessing to be found, I was reminded of that the other day by some great ladies right here on this site, so thank you ladies for that reminder, reading your encouragements is so wonderful to me.

On a serious note I too would like to add that treatment wont work unless its done on thier time, unless they want it completely for themselves first and foremost, unless they are fully willing and able to commit to a long time of hard work, openess, and accepting that they are SA. It can happen, it just doesn't happen for us or when we say it should. Csat and SAnon are great supports for YOU and can help you work your own recovery and allow you joy and happiness whether SA gets into recovery or not.

And now back to happy thoughts, YOU ALL are such brave and courageous people, you have been traumatized and yet still can give hope and comfort to others, you can share your stories and be honest. Some of us can love and give compassion to our sawh because we know how sick they are. I applaud all of you, and am honored to be apart of such a supportive and strong group. Keep your heads up, for through pain comes strength.


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, November 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TMY, you are wise beyond yours. Friends and companions, I need to vent and post some of my thoughts here. Please bear with me and ignore that which is not pertinent or helpful to you.

I absolutely agree that the anger is counterproductive. It's pointless and useless and I constantly give it away. And yet, it creeps back into my head, into the back of my skull, until it presses against my sinuses and erupts into another painful crying jag. I am SICK and F-ing tired of hearing about the addictive cycle, about 12 steps, about recovery. All I know is that my HUSBAND, the one who held my hand through two births, to whom I exposed all my hurts, choose other people instead of me, often vehemently and verbally rejecting me and all I stood for.

My IC is an addiction specialist with training in SA. She is going to try EMDR with me. I hope it helps. Because I am truly at a loss. EVERYTHING else I have tried to do in my life, I have accomplished. But I have failed to maintain the two most important relationships in my life. I know, I know, garbage, but that's the visceral reaction. I now look in the mirror and see an old, wrinkled woman and despise her.

I suppose some of this is a reaction to the abuse I suffered at the hands of my SAfWH. At least that's his assessment. He did a good job of convincing me that I was the problem. And I am a smart cookie. But he was smarter, or more clever, or something.

I don't know if I will ever get over the fact that 20/32 years were a sham. I sure hope so. And as we age, other things become an issue. I have osteoporosis. I'm not that old, so this is a problem. I lost 5% bone in one year, This might mean that I could be unable to do the kind of traveling I want to do when we retire. So one more dream up in smoke. Over the weekend, my H had an episode of sudden hypotension that caused him to pass out. He doesn't take care of his health. If he dies right after we retire, I am going to kill him!:)

I have tried to start going back to the gym. I stopped going in 2009 partly through paralysis and partly because I was paranoid that he wouldn't be home, I'd have to be home to check. I used to be a gym "rat" but partly that was the unhealthy "keeping so busy" codependency they talk about in S-Anon. I know the exercise would help be feel better all around.

So, yes, I still have a lot to work through. On a VERY positive note, HE is working actively on his recovery, and definitely "owns his own sh**." And that is HUGE.

And I have all of you. Gigantic.

Thanks for listening, and Thanks for sharing.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2924 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
cheetabump
♀ Member
Member # 29596
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, November 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi All,

Just wanted to share with you that I went away for a few days with DD and grandson!

It was a quick decision and am glad I decided to go.

I was a bit apprehensive leaving H but this is for me and well, guess we will see how he fares without me there.

I am amazed at all of you and the strength you all have. I keep reading and learning.

I like the taking care of ME attitude that is being talked here. Let's make one day a week a "ME" day!! Even if it is only for 15 minutes like Hathoffury had...just do something one day. I usually pen Wednesday's antiprocrastination day..I do something that I have been putting off. I think I will make Wednesday...MY DAY!!

Pick your day and share what you did for yourself!!

(hug) to all


Posts: 638 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: NY
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, November 30th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgive me for not replying to the posts lately. I dont feel I have anything constructive to add these days.

My H is finally seeing a csat. Only had 2 appts... but he is kind of bragging about how the csat seems to think he is so advanced in recovery, that he isnt in denial, how he and I have done so great on our own, that he is really impressed about the insight H already has.

[This message edited by DrivingPast at 5:24 PM, November 30th (Wednesday)]


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
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