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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 7
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, November 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MovinogPast, thanks for the update. I need to hear that people are succeeding occasionally. Sometimes it does feel like I'm immersed in reading/hearing about bad relationships all the time and you are absolutely right, we all need exposure to healthy ones.

You bring up a very valid point for me. WH and I have moved out of state many times over the years. So we have not had a consistent source of local friends, local healthy relationships to be exposed to. Over the years we have slowly moved to having our own friends, not couples we could hang out with together. This last move we have hardly made any new friends at all, and of the few recent friends I made, most have moved away.

My therapist was bringing up your point indirectly, I see that now. She was asking about our neighborhood, etc and asking why we don't just move. Move to an area with people more like us, etc. as well as possibly better schools for the kids, etc. Of course my POV was I'm in crisis mode here, not supposed to make any major decisions for the next year. WH only wants to move if we buy (we currently rent), and I don't want to buy when we are in crisis mode, and I'm not convinced buying *here*, in an area more heavily depressed than most of the country, is a good idea in any scenario if you don't have long term roots and plans here. So it seemed to make sense to stay put.

But she's right. We should move. Get a fresh start somewhere else (still in the metro area, just not this neighborhood). Be around people more in common with us, better schools and potentially better for the kids. All of us make new friends, and hopefully have some positive healthy relationships to be exposed to and model after. Part of committing to a whole new life, a new beginning.

And honestly, if worst case scenario happens and we do split up, I don't want to be here. Not in the house where how I found out all went down. Why would I want to be here in times of promise either?


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, November 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Moving past, thanks for checking in. Glad to hear you are getting some closure. I think thats one of the important steps, and many of us dont feel like we get it (I know I havent yet).

Hath,
I really did a lot of thinking about "fresh starts" especially a couple months in. Im mostly over it now, but still think of it from time to time. We moved a lot and finally found somewhere to settle down. Problem is, I really dont want to leave this city and we bought a house here and his job is pretty good. It just sucks knowing that he knows all the places to "find" the lowlifes and we have to drive by those places everyday.

Since you are renting, I say go ahead and move! I know I would unless there were other circumstances that made it better than any other options. Dont think I would be ready to buy a house right now though... unless I felt really secure about the future (marital and property value wise).


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, November 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Movingpast,

Thx for checking in, its always refreshing to get mostly good updates.

Thx everyone for your responses to my newest problem. I went immediately this morning to my ic. At her encouragement I will speak to the powers that be at his treatment center. We live in a small city this is the only treatment option so hopefully at minimum they will be kept separated. I am going to let my concerns be known and then do my best to just accept that this is out of his and my control. I have to believe he will be workking his program and stay away from her. For now tons of prayers positive thoughts whatever would be appreciated. My peace at his being in treatment is gone...


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, November 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Movingpast ~ I am so happy for you. Thanks for the update.

Hurt~ sending good vibes your way. I am so sorry your peace of mind is now gone.

Tonight, I picked my WH up from work. I have done this for 7 months, since he has a pending DWI charge, committed during one of his sexual affairs. He kept me waiting outside his office for 20 minutes, since he HAD to take a call.

I told him I was upset and he was ungrateful for all I had done for him. His response? I, yes, I am a narcissitic, ungrateful bitch. WOW! Transference much? Guys, I am so done. My kids are flying in for Thanksgiving, but after Xmas, I've got to get out of here. He is toxic and destructive to me. I so wanted to make this work.


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, November 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Moving good for you! Althiugh you are familiar with that blasted roller coaster, yes? Keep the positive aspects in a corner of your brain to pull out when the going gets rough. Trust but verify.

@Living there are far more female SAs than you know. And although it is correct that many are in the LOVE part of the addiction that seems to be changing IMHO. We have only one male in our Sanon group but my fWh speaks of a growing number of female SAs at his 12 step meetings. I second what everyone else has said and STRONGLY encourage you to fuind a 12 step group for you. We are an equal oportunity shoulder. I haven't heard of that particular book,some of them do tend to use female spouses and male SAs, although the concepts are the same. I highly recommend DECEIVED, and YOUR SEXUALLY ADDICTED SPOUSE. And Stephanie Carnes work is particularly geared to the SPOUSES of SAs.
It isn't you. They are broken. Badly. You didn't cause it , can't control it, can't cure it.
Welcome to our sister/fellowship. We are awesome.in our mutual support.. And we are here for you..


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, November 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Movingpast, WOW! I am so happy to hear that there is some couples who can make it work!

Hath, my fresh start is just about to begin. I feel optimistic about my future.

Hurt, I wish my SAWH could get treatment, but ofcourse "there is nothing wrong" with him.

Ghost, I know exactly how you feel. Mine is abusive every single day now. He knows the walls are caving in. Begin to make your plans. Enjoy the holidays. YOUR day is coming! Many hugs to all.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, November 21st (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading all the posts tonight I really just need to be so thankful that he is there doing his part. Does it suck she's there yes but ya know what he told his counselor about her, they spoke to her telling her straight up no contact except large group, he's doing everything right and all he can! I am sorry for my pity party vents. And appreciate this fellowship so much.


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, November 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ghost posting from my phone-not always a good thing. it's one am and I can't sleep. I've just caught up with your story. I'm exactly your age.Know what you're feeling about starting over, being on your own at 57. But I know that I could never have continued to live with the verbal abuse and anger either. I KNOW we deserve better.
And I recently heard of two friends


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, November 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ghost posting from my phone-not always a good thing. it's one am and I can't sleep. I've just caught up with your story. I'm exactly your age.Know what you're feeling about starting over, being on your own at 57. But I know that I could never have continued to live with the verbal abuse and anger either. I KNOW
we deserve better.
And I recently heard of two friends


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, November 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(here's the rest) from a previous job who's marriages ended recently. They are both in their fifties. Neither is a femme fatale although they take care of themselves. One is remarried to a great guy, apparently, and the other has an active and happy social life. They did it and so could we. It's time we put ourselves first, no matter what that scenario looks like.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, November 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for much for the encouragement, S. Kat. No one deserves verbal and emotional abuse, especially a spouse who was willing to R -- after the endless betrayals.

My life will go on. With or without him. In some ways, it may be preferable. I cannot bear to be hurt anymore.

Hugs and good wishes to all...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
npain
♀ Member
Member # 33539
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, November 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've read through part of this post before because I suspected SA in my WH, but now I am sure. I needed to rearrange my bedroom furniture and in cleaning, I found a video tape.

My WH had a 4 yr affair and on the tape he had invited the OW over. They were probably in a EA but not PA at this time. He set up the video camera and covered it to watch her go to the bathroom! I know that it was him becuase he kept coming back to check on the camera and kept checking to make sure it was trained on the toilet area. I found another tape previously dated about 2 weeks later, but it didn't catch anything. In a wierd way, it actually makes me want to laugh at the OW now, cause she helped to screw up my life by having an affair with my husband in my face ( we were all friends) only to find out that he is a pervert. I think that may just be just retribution.

Obviously my husband is into voyeurism. What complicates things exponentially is that OW's twin sister and her husband rent the apartment right below from us and I found that WH has recently purchased a spycam. It is a pen one, so it could be hidden anywhere. No matter who he bought it to spy on, it can't be good. I haven't confronted him yet on the SA issue yet, it's still a bit of a shock to finally confirm it. Any advice?


S,beginning D

Posts: 507 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: New York
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, November 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are some websites that were posted earlier in the thread to help identify sa in people. I am using my phone to post so I can't easily scroll through to find them. Seek help for yourself and maybe discuss your concerns with counselor before confronting wh. SA isn't something many will accept they have and it could make things so much worse if approached wrongly. I am keeping you in my prayers. Good luck and big hugs


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, November 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

npain ~ I am so sorry you came to this horrible realization. I am still wrapping my head ahead it. It is incomprehensible!!!

Since what I've done regarding confrontation has been a bust, I know more experienced members will come along with some great advise and guidance.

Just wanted you to know you have been heard. Sending strength and hugs to you...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, November 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

S.kat/ghost: We do deserve better. I am 42 now and he has already taken 2 years of my life. Life without emotional and physical intimacy. Life without my best friend. I miss it. Stay streong and seek your own path. This too shall pass and all will be well again.

Npain: I am so sorry you find yourself here. Do read as much as you can and get some help. Don't attempt to confront your WH without seeking some advice from a counselor. Many SA are in denial and become enraged when confronted. They are master manipulators and will do anything to protect what they are doing. Keep yourself and your children safe. Hugs.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, November 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ npain~

Voyeurism is 'stalkerish' to me & combined with SA?! Kinda..scary. I really don't know what to say, other than the usual advice to find an IRL 12 step support group and a CSAT for you to see on your own. And a warning that if your SAWH escalates using hidden cams, there may be serious legal issues unless he can get into recovery ASAP.

Big hugs to you, npain. I'm glad you found us, although I wish you didn't need to be here.


~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, November 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So many posts I want to respond to, so little time. Still have pestilence in my house with the littles, LOL. But I have to respond to npain, her sitch is new and dire.

Yes, he is most likely SA. You will need a CSAT to confirm diagnosis, but compulsive voyeurism, just like those who compulsively expose themselves or compulsively inappropriately touch people, is yet another flavor SA comes in, unfortunately. It's a little easier to demonstrate that the behavior is unmanageable and adversely affecting other's lives (in the criteria for any addiction) because it usually involves illegal activity, but that doesn't mean getting WH to accept he is will be any easier.

I have no personal experience in this area. However, I have heard many stories in person from those in your shoes in my group/12step. To spare this post becoming a book, let me just say my money is on the camera being in a bathroom. Look for hiding spots that would give a camera a clear view of the toilet or shower, like an AC vent or something. Start with your bathroom and if you can check your tenants' bathroom without them looking on, go there next. Also, I'd be checking for the videos - they are somewhere. On his computer, in an account online, on disks or a thumbdrive somewhere. If you find the files first, you will know where the camera is and who he's spying on.

Personally, I would go see a criminal lawyer to get a consultation and possibly representation for myself. The stories I have heard are from people that were confronted by law enforcement at their door, that is not a scenario you want to have. You have done nothing wrong, but you don't want to be liable for enabling or whatever state laws may apply. And you need to know what WH is facing if your worse suspicions are true. And there may be other cameras...and other victims. Please don't rule out he may be looking at underage victims as well if there is opportunity (even if accidental), which would involve a whole nuther set of authorities.

You need a CSAT for you, ASAP. You have been traumatized in finding out he is SA, and being confronted with the graphic evidence, and you need professional help with that. And gentle 2x4s, there may be a whole lot worse coming and you need your support in place if it happens.

Breathe, eat, drink water. It is ok to ask for drugs from your IC if you need them, this is an extreme situation. Figure out who IRL you can count on for support, you are going to need them when this all blows up. Even if he is able to dodge any legal troubles, there is always the potential for future ones.

Good luck. Keep posting. We are here to help.

Back to my quaratine ward. Just what I wanted for Thanksgiving, LOL.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
MovinogPast
♀ Member
Member # 30370
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, November 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks DP, Hath, SK, hurt, ghost! We are still working on things and still have arguments that escalate way too quickly.

I was lucky in that I caught it early in our relationship and most of his really bad acting out had actually occurred with his first wife and not with me. He did visit strip bars a few times before marrying me but dating me and he had multiple online accounts at hookup and porn sites. Still, I am in awe of what some of you have dealt with and are moving past.

Hath, I am in a similar situation as you in that I moved when I married so when I fund out about the SA I have one person I could actually confide in. To be in a new place puts an added strain on everything. Being out of my element has thrown me for a loop for sure.

Ghost, you deserve better than someone taking you for granted like that! And then insulting you when you are helping them out? Good luck moving on!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!


Posts: 129 | Registered: Dec 2010
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, November 23rd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so angry simply bc my husband is where he needs to be and I miss him. We lived separately but had so much communication (and finally good communication) and he was doing everything right for the two weeks leading up to his inpatient. I am really struggling with my family tragedy especially with holidays looming and I miss having him just to txt with and talk to. I feel so ashamed of missing him and being sad when he is doing what he should. I should feel more thankful but instead I feel abandoned yet again...what's wrong with me?


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, November 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurt~ sweetie, focus on your blessings and not your sorrows. I would be thrilled if WH made this commitment. My WH is still defensive and blameshifting. Our future together is looking grim.

Wishing you both a successful outcome!

Edited to add -- you've been through an incomprehensible tragedy. I can't imagine your pain. Sending you huge cyberhugs...

[This message edited by Ghostwalker at 8:31 PM, November 24th (Thursday)]


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
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