We all have
And Some take us
I figure STD testing is always going to be in my life. If/when we resume having sex again, I don't see how I can NO have full panel STD testing every year. Because I don't know how you could EVER be sure. And it's not worth risking your life not to know.
Ghost, the STD tests only took a minute. And they took a bit of blood from my arm, which took less than a minute. WHEN you're ready, I hope you will decide to take the tests. They weren't that bad. The nurse was so incredibly kind - she's on my list of "angels." When I get the results back, I feel like I'll have such peace of mind (depending on the results) - I will know that I am healthy, strong, physically unscathed, and free to move ahead with my life.
It's ALL about self-hatred. My crazy husband is torturing me about visiting the children - sending angry emails. I talked to the CSAT about it today and he said that most SAs actually are not raging mad; they don't show signs of anger; they just easily compartmentalize, act out, and seamlessly go back to treating their wives like gold. My husband has always done this in the past.
But this time, he's pretty angry. The CSAT said that his emotions are so out of control that he's acting more like a drunk than a SA at this point. Maybe it's the same with your husband. In fact, the CSAT told me I could skip the COSA meetings from now on, and suggested Al-Anon instead, since my husband is more like a drunk in many ways. Anyhow, not sure if this helps, but the anger seems to be a little unusual, at least according to my CSAT.
Loved your post. I'm saying lots of prayers that my tests will be negative and I'll be a bad-ass grandma someday, just like you. Thanks for being so positive and funny - needed that today!
I know I didn't have the hepatitis, for example. They said my insurance wouldn't cover it, but that it is routinely done every year as an internist visit. So I'm setting that appt. up.
Thanks so much. Given the circumstances, I didn't ask enough questions yesterday.
((HUGS)) to all of you and thank you again for posting here. I don't post often, but I read it all and it helps.
Sabina, I am praying for your tests as well.
I am not sure if he went in or was testing the waters to see if anyone followed him there.
This was the place I hired the PI to investigate and when I confronted H about it..he didn't believe I hired a PI! I mean, he really does not believe me and I AM telling the truth..go figure.
Anyhow, I did a brief search for the heck of it but didn't find any videos around but he could have hidden them in the car for the time being.
The more I attend my SCAT counseling sessions the more I am convince he is addicted to porn. All the past behaviors make so much more sense to me now. Now..the hard part is to communicate to him what I feel about that.
I am sure he will be in denial about it. I just have to present the facts of porn addiction and how it is affecting me and our life together.
Does anyone know of the online test to see if you are a SA? At very least, I hope to get H to test himself. I know, that I can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink so don't worry about me co-depending here.
I would be lieing tho if I said it didn't bother me. I told him that he had no business being there and that I was upset and it was unacceptable to me. I know that was a loose boundary but in a way..I was hoping beyond hope that he would honor it.
I see the pattern too that he turns his phone off when he is going to ABS (I think he thinks I am tracking by his phone)
We are getting no where unless the all the worms are out of the can!
I hate this sh*t!!
my H is into photography and video making(scary thought). There are sites on the internet to learn new techniques and see what others are doing.
While I was out of town, on the first day I left, he admitted to me that it crossed his mind to "do something" but he immediately told himself no and changed thoughts. According to him it never crossed his mind again(I was gone over a week). When pressed for details he said it was watching porn that crossed his mind, not craigslist or chat. Not sure that I fully believe this, but was still very disappointed to hear. He has always maintained that he was not that attached to watching porn, and didnt do it much(but did do it when I went out of town during most of our marriage. I knew about a lot of those at the time).
Anyway, for some insane reason the web history is not working on the computer he used! It was happening before I left and happens when I use it as well. I have no idea why this is happening. But it seems keylogger is picking up so I can still find out. But I cant confront since its not in history!
Tell me whether these things sound like slipping/boundaries or normal, please.
That website I mentioned earlier sometimes has "artful" nudes. I dont feel like I can offlimit all the photo things but they almost all contain such things. How do I handle that?
Im sorry this is longwinded but Im trying to give the full picture. When you are on that website, it will give thumbnails and titles of videos other people made. You can sort by date posted, and other criteria. Then you can click the thumbnail if you want to watch.
The thumbnails he clicked were mostly nature scenes. Except:
1. a woman sitting on a couch playing a ukelele. He only watched about 10 seconds of that.
2. "firedancers" and it was titled such. the thumbnails was a woman with her back to the camera but clearly wearing a bikini type top(like coconut shells) and I think it was a hawaiin type luau dance(later in the video men were dancing as well). I could see how someone may be honestly curious to see(even myself)but was this innappropriate??
3. a college aged girl in a sports bra and sweatshirt. Again he only watched 15 seconds of it. She was just standing there.
Here is where it goes worse...
4. a woman in a sundress sitting on a bed. It looked innocent, but why click on videos of women at all? WELL it turns out the woman gets nude later in the video, however, let me be clear, he only watched 20-30 seconds. She began to lay back on the bed and he right away clicked off the page. Good sign I guess. BUT THEN he closed the window, and reopened internet explorer and went to the history! Why???? the video he was watching was not in the history. He clicked another video that was in history, then restarted searching for videos.
he was watching tutorials on youtube (most of this is in one or two days time but a couple are scattered. Its not all in one day.)
One video he watched was some sort of belly dancer and it said "amazing must see" or something. I dont know if he saw the whole thing. Somewhat more troubling is on one completely innocent tutorial, there was a link to something with huge boobs. I can see from keylogger that he RIGHT CLICKED on it. you know right click brings up a menu saying "open in new tab, email link, etc.". I wondered if he was seeing if there was a way to watch this undetected. He ended up not opening it but still. I also wonder if he suspects I have a keylogger on there :(
At least he is showing restraint but the disappointment is he didnt tell me about any of this.
The only thing he told me about was one video of a "dancer" which comes up on the front page, and he said he thought "if I clicked that I would be in big trouble" and that he wanted to tell me he had inadvertantly seen it(its just an butt shot and the woman is wearing some bikini bottom thing). Sigh. Input?
I have more questions but will stop for now.
[This message edited by DrivingPast at 7:32 PM, November 19th (Saturday)]
I opted for every test available to me:
herpes simplex i and herpes simplex ii
atopobium vaginae (bacterial vaginosis)
clamhydia trach by multiplex pcr
GC by multiplex pcr (gonnorea)
various bacterial STD infections:
ureaplasma by multiplex pcr
mycoplasma genitalium by multiplex pcr
trichomonas by multiplex pcr
gardnerella by multiplex pcr
mobiluncus mulieris by multiplex pcr
mobiluncus curtisi by multiplex pcr
Various yeast tests:
Blood test for HIV and syphillis.
Pap smear for HPV.
And WH went to Planned parenthood and got the HIV, syphillis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and herpes tests. I don't know that all the other tests are available to males but I'm pretty sure most are not.
As far as I know, those are all the tests you can take. So if you want an exhaustive list, here it is LOL. These are straight off my lab bill, which ran about $1500 but my share from my PPO was only about $100. You can probably get a lot of these tests from PP, but I'm not sure.
If you have trouble with the gray areas, and he has trouble with where the line is, what WH and I use is "Is it appropriate for our 3YO, 5YO, and 7YO to see?" If he's not comfortable showing said video or image to a child of that age, or his mother, then it's not acceptable.
The devil is in the details. He's going to want to press the envelope. But something like that, ok, so your ok with your mother seeing this? Let me show her then. That's pretty clear.
If you haven't discussed that specifically as a boundary, or maybe not ready to reveal your stuff, here's an idea. Tell him you think he's addicted to porn. If he wants a chance to prove he's not, don't use it for 60 days (or whatever timeline you want). Say no computer porn, no ABS (and I admit I have no idea what that is, but I'm assuming porn shop), etc for that amount of time to prove he's not addicted. If he can't do it, then he has to concede that he is and seek treatment. Then you can confront if he does go to the ABS, computer, whatever.
The other alternative is the dream thing. I had a bad dream that you went to that place again. Did you go there or do something you shouldn't have? Something is not right, I don't have any proof but I can just FEEL it. And gauge his reaction. The reaction will tell you all you need to know.
Kick ~ LMAO! I needed that. OK, OK...I'll make an appointment.
Hugs to all you kick-ass, courageous, beautiful women!
Thanks for the support guys!!
I like the 3yo, 5yo, 7yo and mom thing, Hath..very good way to look at it.
I think I will just go with, bringing up the subject again because we also have not have sex (not that I want to at this point) and he has not mentioned one word about that. This is a new world record for us..never went this long in the 25 years together!!
I think I will start with that and then bring up the porn addiction. I will check out that site CH sent me and see if he would be willing to self test without me there so he can be his true honest self.
I will also bring up getting evaluated by a CSAT.
All I can do is point in the direction and it is up to him to walk to it and thru it..right?
Now...I have to find the time to do this. It is like one thing after another pops up and it gets put on the back burner. This weekend is our son's birthday.
I really would prefer if we could have a talk like this with the CSAT as a neutral party but I know he will feel attacked. Especially if we go to mine since he has never met her etc. Besides, he doesn't think women get what men actually experience as far as porn etc. His IC is not trained in SA so he is limited to helping him.
I can't stress enough to anyone here that may be at the threshold of finding a IC/MC..please, please do yourselves a favor and cut to the chase and get a CSAT.
I know my outcome of things would have been different if we had my counselor from the beginning. It may have been harder but we would have been dealing with it more right now.
So much time is wasted on this already. I guess it takes time to let it sink in and digest if what we are dealing with is real.
At first I had a hard time thinking anyone could have a sex addiction but the more I read and learn..boy was I shocked to the core.Never would have thought I would be dealing with this situation with H. Really?!?
Hang in there gang!!
So we were talking this morning and he said that he realized that every time we fight, he has the urge to go masturbate to relieve the tension. He says he isn't having any trouble controlling the urge, just never realized what was triggering it before.
It's a baby-step for sure, but I will take that any day.
Just wanted to share. Thanks.
I looked for CSAT in my area. And nothing came up! I live in a mid-size city and I was very surprised by this. So now what?
Hang in there, cheetah. Like you, coming to the realization that my WH is an SA is a bitter pill to swallow. We will get through this!!! Hugs...
One male, one female. I hit on the female one even tho she was further. I hit paydirt with her.
Problem, she will only see either me or him alone or as a MC. She said she has had bad issues in the past with one spouse telling her stuff that the other spouse didn't know and it did not go with her ethics. I get that.
Other problem I have right now is when I went to pull up the male on that I got off the ITAP site..his name isn't there anymore. I don't get that and neither does my SCAT.
ALSO, was looking at Carnes site and all their places are out west.
I agree..where are all the places on the east coast?!?
NYC is at least 1 hr by train. It could be an option but I am sure H would not even consider that. Especially, since he doesn't know he is a SA yet!!
Another thing is that I am seeing that alot of the material on the SA tests point to internet porn. H has not went that route. He is into ABS (Adult book stores aks porn stores). One in particular that I mentioned he visited again recently is what I call "kinky's". It has video arcade booths, participants can watch videos and jerk off, some booths have partitions where you can jerk off while watching the other person get off.
Gets worse, if you leave the store and go to the secret passage in the back of the building, they have glory holes there.
I do know that H has been in the front part but don't have proof if he ever did the glory hole thing.
I have to assume the worst. I can't trust anything at this point.
MY WH also did not fit the porno criteria. It's just not his "thing". He went the Ashley Madison route and had multiple sexual affairs. He preferred real live women. Lucky me!
Although we've made a tiny bit of progress. He ADMITS he fits most of the SA criteria, he has yet to make an appointment for any IC.
He goes to bed every night at 9:00 p.m. He just doesn't want to talk about it and I feel so frustrated and hopeless. What to do??? I wish I didn't love him, but I do. Trying to stay strong, trying to hang on. I empathize with you, hon...
Thanks again for taking the time to post it. I hope it helps a lot of women here.
[This message edited by ChoosingHope at 11:30 AM, November 19th (Saturday)]