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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 7
KickedintheGut
♀ Member
Member # 30086
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, November 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ghost - that was a total CYA move and he's gaslighting you trying to say any different. Don't let him screw up your head and turn the focus away from what he's done.

{{Hugs}}


Me - BW (38) Him (calcitro) - SAWH (38)
2 Kids Working on R
DDay#1 - 11/9/10 - 2 year EA/PA
DDay #2 - 12/9/10
Disclosure - 4/8/11
Timeline - 5/9/11

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2010
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, November 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Choosing Hope, he said nothing about my posts, but I did notice his behavior towards me "softened".

Kicked ~ I agree it's a CYA move and I'm furious,honestly.

Everytime I WANT to find a reason to trust this man, he lets me down.


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, November 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ghost, I'd tell him exactly that. Every time I give you a chance, you let me down. When you erase history, I feel you are obviously hiding something. It is insulting to me, and quite honestly I can retrieve it so why do you only further dig a hole for yourself? If you continue to do so, I will not consider R. You want to start over fresh? Fine. You are at level ZERO. I have ZERO trust in you now. Your trust and love tank/bank with me is at ZERO. It is not my responsibility to fill or manage your trust and love tank/bank. You want me to have trust in you, you have to EARN it. Through your actions. Transparency with history, accounts, passwords is a start. Getting evaluated for SA, also a start. Going to IC, 12 step, etc all means of refilling the tank/building a positive balance in the bank. But it's up to you, not ME. I do not have to reciprocate, I did not betray your trust in me. I was revealing your secrecy, protecting MY safety.

BTW, related note. WH told me this week he stumbled on an inappropriate link, and he clicked away immediately when he realized what it was. Was happy to show me the history so I could see how it happened and that he was proactive about it. Did not want me to stumble on it myself and have doubts. So I feel good about that. THAT is an example of earning trust. Not a huge gesture, sure, but its all the little things that can add up to a big deal.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, November 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I need to work on rewarding good behavior. With WH and my kids. I have not been proactive about that. I generally like to wallow in righteousness about why should I reward things they should be doing anyway, but the truth is the kids are little and need help learning good habits. And WH, he is compromised and needs help learning new habits too. He just called to tell me he talked to our estate lawyer, who is updating our wills and such to reflect the impending post nup, which has been a sticking point with me that he was blowing off. I made sure I told him thanks, and that it made me feel good and secure, etc.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, November 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ghost, stick to your guns ok. Deleting history the history would definately be red flag for me. I agree with Hath, tell him exactly how you feel in a calm way.

Hath, great insight on the rewarding good behaviours! I am so new into this, but I really should be acknowledging the good things he is doing like entering treatment, sending the mass text telling all the women from his meetings he no longer will be texting with them, deleting them from his phone etc and he did it all without complaint! Sure he has been mean with his words at times but he is very sick and is doing all he can to make sure he gets healthy. Way to be inspiring Hath and thanks! Got me in a more positive place!


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, November 15th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all,

I just wrote down the beginnings of what my boundaries and "rules" are in order to work on r after his treatment program. As I said earlier thank heavens his ic stepped up and agreed with my first one! It feels good to have some of me issues out on paper as well as I was able to pinpoint what would be deal breakers for me. I am still very anxious for saturday, he goes into treatment at 1 pm...hope you all have a good evening. Take care and big hugs.


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, November 16th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Ghost)),

I agree with the others; stand your ground & tell him how you feel. It'll help you feel better and SAWH needs to know thiageat there are consequences to his behaviors. I have to say that IMO what he did & said is complete gaslighting & CYA behaviors. I relate to needing to see proof of what our SAWHs are doing, I'm there too.


Hathnofury-

I bought a used copy of this cool book called "What Shamu Taught me About Life, Love and Marriage: Lessons for People from Animals and their Trainers". Amazing book. Works with kids, although I found SAWH highly resistant. Big surprise.

Hurt-

Good for you for working on boundaries! I know I'd feel even better that the IC was backing me up on them.


I'm off to the dr. for tests & such. SAWH is suddenly nice to me now that my health is suddenly iffy. @$$hole.


~ Sabina


Details & story in profile

"Live a life not an apology." Edward R.Murrow

"I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it."

Maya Angelou


Posts: 1350 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Metro DC
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, November 16th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Sabina. You have spurred me to finally figure out how interlibrary loan works here, which is inordinately complicated but I have requested the book. This is good, maybe I won't have to keep buying books about SA related stuff since they don't have any at my library.

I really hope your medical issue turns out to be nothing. ((hugs))


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
KickedintheGut
♀ Member
Member # 30086
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, November 16th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{Sabina}}}

Thinking about you today. Hope your tests come out ok. Possibly your medical issues have brought out the KISA, eh? Hate that damn suit of armor.

Thinking positive healthy thoughts for you today :)


Me - BW (38) Him (calcitro) - SAWH (38)
2 Kids Working on R
DDay#1 - 11/9/10 - 2 year EA/PA
DDay #2 - 12/9/10
Disclosure - 4/8/11
Timeline - 5/9/11

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2010
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, November 16th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Special hugs to you today Sabina!


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, November 16th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Sabina))) good luck with your tests. I'll be thinking of you and sending lots of good wishes your way.

I have my own medical story today. I finally went in and got tested for STDs. I was so scared and broke down crying in front of the nurse. Then the doctor came in, and the nurse had to prompt him to do the STD testing. Meanwhile, the doctor and I had just been talking about my children. There was an awkward pause. Meanwhile, I'm lying there with my feet in the stirrups. And the doctor doesn't know what to say, so he comes up with something like, "So, are you a single mom, dating? Or do you have a partner?"

And I burst into tears again.

Anyhow, we all recovered, and I went into his office afterwards. He told me over and over again that I'm so beautiful (yes, he tells ALL his patients that - he's old and obviously not very up-to-date on political correctness). THEN he told me I would be remarried in no time at all and that I should get the separation document signed asap and start dating. Like next week.

Then he offered me prescription anti-depressants!

So, how's THAT for the world's craziest gyn appointment? At least I was laughing at the end.

Sadly, though, my world imploded only nine weeks, two days, ago. I will not be dating or remarrying for a very long time, if ever. Probably never.

I just had to share this nutty story with someone. At least I can still laugh - it's such a strange world sometimes.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
DrivingPast
♀ Member
Member # 32984
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, November 16th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sabina, thinking of you, and hoping it turns out to be nothing major!!! :(

Ghost, that is bs. That stuff is infuriating and I echo what hathnofury said.

hurt, try to hang in there. It is pushing a boundary to text women for support. Hope his inpatient will do a world of good for you both, though it is hard to be apart during the holidays.

choosinghope, that is kind of wild! At least you got some compliments hehe. If a man finds you beautiful with your feet in stirrups, then you better believe it!


BW
married more than 10 yrs to a possible SA
D-Day May 5 2011
"Because one knows people best through their fears - the ones they overcome and the ones they are overcome by."

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Aug 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, November 16th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Driving Past -
Well, the guy is like 80, and it's highly inappropriate to call all your ob/gyn patients "beautiful."

It's always annoyed me. (And now of course, I'm so hyper-vigilant that I'm wondering if he's a closet sex addict!)

But hey, today it was so ridiculous that it made me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry.

I should have let him prescribe me some meds though!


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, November 16th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sabrina ~ Hugs, hugs and more hugs. Praying all is well.

Choosing Hope ~ it had to be a horrible ordeal. Glad you could find a reason to laugh in the end. Hugs...

Waiting for the 2x4's: Confession: I have not yet made my appointment to be tested. My H's results were all negative. I do know HPV is only diagnosable in women. I can't bring myself to do it. I feel paralyzed. So kudos to you Choosing Hope for your courage! I am a coward.


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
cheetabump
♀ Member
Member # 29596
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, November 16th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone! Just caught up on all the posts.

what a wonderful group of people we are!

Sabrina..hope all goes well with your appointments and tests.

ChoosingHope...glad you went for the tests. I agree about the Dr but he probably just was trying to make you feel better. Now..if he was MY Dr...who is young, cute etc...you would be on cloud nine!! LOL

Hurt94...I wish I could ship my H off with yours to the treatment!! How scared you must feel but at the same time..he is making a move. Use the time for yourself and the kids.

Ghost, it is shitty when we have to deal with this stuff. Today my H went to the ABS that I had previously told him was unacceptable to me.

He doesn't know that I know. So, I have to figure a way to get my message across with out giving things away.

I have been putting off my talk with him due to other issues in the family and work place. I just feel my plate is so full that I can't seem to find a good time for it.

Bottomline..is I have to make time, find time. I can't keep going in limbo here.

I attending my group thing today and it was pretty good, interesting stuff. I wasn't feeling pressured into confronting him but when I saw that he went to the ABS..I feel like I want to burst.

Well, I just wanted to stop in and let you all know I am still alive and kicking.

:-))


Posts: 638 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: NY
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, November 16th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone. Just wanted to pop in and give all of you some bigs hugs!

Sabina, I truly hope that you will come unscathed. The rest as well.

I find it to be an absolute miracle that I did not get a disease from SAWH. He is going down fast guys. He is self mutilating like he did 2 years ago. He shaves his forearms. Its not good. He did that when I first found out.

Its self hatred really, because I am certain he is "still" seeing/talking/maybe having sex with OW while being a church leader and giving communion. Also, he is an a$$whole every day to me.

What do you guys do when they act like this in front of other people? He does this in front of my sons's whole class and their parents. We were at a school function helping out together with other parents and kids and he yelled at me.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
cupcakegirl
♀ Member
Member # 33594
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, November 17th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Howdy Ya'll, just checking in...

Sabina, hugs, I am thinking of you during this difficult time for your health. Waiting for health tests is hard and adds so much stress.

CH, how hard that must have been for you at the ob/gyn. Nobody should have to endure that! hugs to you too!

Ghost, get tested for you. It was one of the hardest things i ever did. You are no coward, you can do this. Please take care of yourself.

Taking things one day at a time around here. All is eerily quiet for the time being. Going to weekly IC, every other week MC. SAH is doing his SAA phone meeting as I write. The other meeting is SAA, but at a local church. Seeing small changes in SAH, but most of all in me- for the first time ever, I am taking care of myself. I think this is apparent to SAH and he is much more respectful.

One thing I want to do is join a group for me. I am thinking of a phone group, due to my schedule.
hugs, ccg


Me:BS, 43
Him: SAH, 48
Married 21 years
DDay 1: 2007
First day of transparency in M: 10/17/11
Polygraph 1/13/12 passed!
Polygraph 7/8/12 passed!
Polygraph 2/4/13 passed!
Next Poly is 2/14 passed!

Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2011
carnelian
♀ Member
Member # 24824
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, November 17th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you guys do when they act like this in front of other people? He does this in front of my sons's whole class and their parents. We were at a school function helping out together with other parents and kids and he yelled at me.

This must be tough to deal with, but they're really tying their own methaphorical noose when they pull those kinds of stunts. By staying calm and not reacting in a similar way, you can demonstrate that you are a class act even while facing a tough situation. He's showing who he is and you can show who you are - a strong, collected woman.

I don't post much, but am grateful to know I'm not alone. Hugs and strength to everyone here today!

[This message edited by carnelian at 7:03 AM, November 17th (Thursday)]


What are you going to do when he leaves you?

Posts: 543 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Europe
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, November 17th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope, I SO understand how stressful and ridiculous STD testing is. I can only imagine throwing an 80YO non-PC doctor into the mix, LOL. Good for you to get it done. And it's not too late to call him back and get the meds, if you want.

Cheetah, gah, I worry about what I'm going to do if I find out he's going somewhere he's not supposed to. I don't want to give away my source, and honestly until the post nup is final I can't enforce an ultimate consequence.

Torn, I agree with Carnelian. Most ignore the mantrums and be the bigger person, but if it keeps up beyond a certain point there's nothing wrong with standing up for yourself in a respectful way. Meaning, don't stoop to his level. Mostly, I would just talk to him about it afterward, tell him what an ass he made of himself and how poorly it reflects on your family. If that doesn't work, he shouldn't be at those kinds of events.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
KickedintheGut
♀ Member
Member # 30086
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, November 17th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ghost - I know going for the STD panel sucks.

I put if off because SAWH's came back clean until one of the other members on the board tested positive for HPV.

The moment I read that I had one overwhelming thought. "There is NO WAY IN HELL that his addiction is going to end my life in any way shape or form"

I have two young kids. They are pretty much the sun, moon and stars in my life. I'm not leaving them. I'm going to be a Grandma someday and then God willing a Great Grandma. Out of sheer stubborness - a Great, Great Grandma.

No way I was leaving that up to chance.

I do have to say that it was a very liberating experience to request the full STD panel from my GYN. I told him "My husband cheated and I need to make sure his stupidity isn't going to be what kills me." It was so appropriate on so many levels and saying it out loud to another human being was actually very empowering.

Any of you that have NOT gotten tested - if I could grab you and drag you to the dr's I would. Please go get tested. This future great-great-grandma would like other old biddy's to hang out with in my dotage. I'm going to be one bad ass Granny!


Me - BW (38) Him (calcitro) - SAWH (38)
2 Kids Working on R
DDay#1 - 11/9/10 - 2 year EA/PA
DDay #2 - 12/9/10
Disclosure - 4/8/11
Timeline - 5/9/11

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2010
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