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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 7
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, November 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath, I wish I could get away. But in 3 weeks I am hosting Thanksgiving at my house for 16 family members. I have so much to do, I feel overwhelmed. I work full-time and I can barely put myself together to get to work.

Thank you all for your kindness. It means a great deal to me during this difficult time...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, November 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, thank you ALL for being so open and honest here. It is so valuable to not feel alone in this horrible place that my life has become.

Never in a million years did I think I'd end up here. And I hate it. And I hate my WH for bringing me here.

First, Ghostwalker do get out as soon as you can. I know from experience with my XH that verbal abuse will eat away at your soul until you have nothing left. And it happens when you aren't looking. You THINK you are fighting it because you KNOW it's not true, but it eats at you in the dark and it never goes away. I can still hear as clear as day my XH telling me I am "A worthless piece of shit." I will never stop hearing those words and we've been D for 8 years and S for 10.

I am struggling with my WH's SA. We both agree that he is SA but where we live there are NO CSAT's and no 12-step groups. I am going to Al-anon tonight (WH is 20 years sober alcoholic as well) and hope that will help.

I am too ashamed to tell most of my friends/family. They all think he is such a great guy (and I did too!) and I don't really want any of them to think of him as this depraved pervert (though I guess he is). It's so hard!

He is definitely remorseful and doing everything he should be doing, but I am still struggling. I know that the norm is for there to be lies and lies and lies. But he insists that he only had 4 in person CL encounters and the 1 time with his ex-wife. He admits to lots of porn and lots of email correspondence talking about hooking up, but that most of the time he would just masturbate and then stop the contact before the meeting was ever accomplished. The 4 encounters were with transvestites because he rationalized to himself that it wasn't as bad if he wasn't cheating with women.

We've been making love but the last time he started talking dirty to me, nothing major but it still make me want to crawl out of my skin. I was SO grossed out I almost cried. When I told him the next day he was very ashamed and sorry.

Like I said, he is doing everything right, and swears that I know everything. But I know that this isn't the usual.

I am just rambling. Thanks for giving me a safe place to vent.

HNF, I have been following your story and I admire you SO much.

T2B, I understand your feelings but I re-iterate what I said above about verbal abuse. Especially in front of your kids. After our D, when he didn't have me to abuse any longer my XH started in on my teenage daughter. Telling her to forget about going to college because she was "too stupid" and telling her to give up her dream to live in San Diego because she'd never make it. I had to "rescue" her in the middle of the night to get her away from him. In the process she missed her prom and graduating with her class because of her father. I would cheerfully strangle him if I saw him.

Anyway, HUGS to each and every one of you. Your posting here is truly helping me. I appreciate you all so much.

[This message edited by CheaterMagnet at 5:35 PM, November 4th (Friday)]


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 916 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, November 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ghost, when you say host, do you mean they are all staying there or just eating a meal there? A few ideas:

Outsource as much of the meal as possible. Even local grocery stores will often sell prepared fully cooked T-day meals you just have to heat up, if catering or eating at a restaurant is not possible. Or if they are all coming from local areas, pot luck it.

You can still go to a hotel or sleep elsewhere locally, if you can afford it, if he won't go. Or stay at a friend's, make up a story about paint fumes or something, say you are fixing up the house for company. And go back during the day or whenever WH is gone to get done what you need to get done to host. Even if you only do this one night, it makes a statement to WH, especially if he won't get out on his own.

Thinking of you mama. I'd go batshit crazy if I had to host a Tday dinner while my WH was doing that. I'd go crazy now, LOL, I can barely feed everybody every day.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, November 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My children from out of town are staying here, not the others. I simply have TOO MUCH to do, I can't move out right now. BUT I will consider it once Thanksgiving weekend is over. I seriously can't stand to look at him right now.

Thanks for the support, hath and others. XOXO


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, November 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so confused. Other posters are saying that there is no way my WH is straight if his CL encounters were with cross dressers, but then I see on other posts that he CAN be straight if he is SA.

I am just so freaked out. WH swears he is straight. That the CD encounters made him feel less like he was cheating (since they weren't women) and that he was disgusted by his behavior.

*urk*


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 916 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
cheetabump
♀ Member
Member # 29596
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, November 4th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CheaterMagnet,

Only your Spouse knows for sure. Is it the truth? That is the ultimate question.

My H has been going to an ABS, which I have nicknamed, Kinky's.

At first I thought it was just a regular ABS. BUT I noticed he would spend up to an hr in there.

I got the nerve to go in and the place where the videos is small. There are arcades in the back room where you can view porn.

Since I was only able to get limited information about the place, I hired a PI.

What the PI found out is within those arcades is a partition window where the participants can jerk off together while viewing their videos. This is from the front entrance of the building, which happens to be on a main road for all to see who comes and goes in that place (one of the main complaints on a review I read about it online). There is a back entrance, which only regulars or those that pay under the table can get into and there they have glory holes (holes in partitions and the guys can get their members serviced!) You can't see who is on the other side.

Well, I am mentioning all of this because it is obvious that the clientele is men. They did tell the PI that they tried to get women in to do the BJ but well, they didn't get rave reviews so they kept with the men..cause well, men know what men like!

In the times, I actually went and watched I never saw H go to the back area. It is possible he did but I have no way of knowing at this point.

Bottomline is...It put a BIG question mark in my head...is he GAY? is he BI?

I am seeing a SCAT and she tells me that not necessarily so. Todays trend (and I noticed this trend alot with HS and college kids) is to experiment with the same sex. They are not gay, bi but just acting out cause well...because they can and it is different..taboo.

SO, while my H adamantely claims he is not GAY..is insulted that I would even think such a thing after knowing him for 25 yrs...I just don't know what to think...I thought I knew you too buddy!!

As someone else posted on JFO form..Bigger I believe...I need to know that before I can make any other decisions. You know what I mean...if he is gay...well, that is a done deal. If he is BI or curious, acting out SA...depends on how he will handle this..will he admit and get help, do the work or not.

In the meantime. It doesn't define me. I need to work on me and keep on trucking..

Hang in there and keep posting.

BTW: I am so tempted to sit in front of the place and yell out I am going to tell your spouse as these guys walk out!!

[This message edited by cheetabump at 10:17 PM, November 4th (Friday)]


Posts: 638 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: NY
PlainsGirl29
♀ Member
Member # 33520
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, November 5th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't see a thread for it, but does anyone else have a so with addictive personality disorder? WH hasnnt been diagnosed, but we are pretty sure he has it. He smokes, had gambling addiction ( gambling was his cover to meet ow for rendevous). Not sure where to start, atm wh is refusing counselling because if financial reasons. Wh has has lots of online dating, porn activity. He admits he tried to stop the A several times but kept going back until ow got a new job and I also found out about A. What should we do? Are there support groups for APD in general? Thanks.

Posts: 1146 | Registered: Oct 2011
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, November 5th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cheetah-

The boundaries I most often see are things like no physical contact and in house separations.

I've also seen boundaries where someone will state that are going to a hotel for a night or having a day a the spa, paid for by the addict.

My situation is different in though, in that my husband is in recovery and wanted to stop his behavior.

My boundaries are slip= visit to CSAT and any specific recovery work needed (Recovery is now just integrated with normal living)..Relapse=divorce.

I also realize that these won't work for everyone. I prefer simplicity when dealing with my husband's addiction.


Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, November 5th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, when I go to the first meeting I will check if they have childcare. One step at a time, LOL.

CheaterMagnet, IDK if CD has any special implications on SA. There are lots of people into CD that are not SA, and not gay, so I would think in and of itself it does not mean he's gay. Just like being SA does not mean he's gay. But there are many other things at work, right, and you don't have all the answers so who knows. Sorry if that's not helpful, LOL. It is what it is.

Ghost, totally understand. Hope you can keep it together until then. Hang in there, the light is at the end of the tunnel.

Plains, IDK about that diagnosis specifically, but I do know that if you are an addict of any kind you are likely to have multiple addictions. And hop from one to another to avoid hitting bottom with any particular one. They tell me in our SA class that you have to address all the addictions at once or you will never break the cycle.

IRN, I like your approach. I think I may take it as well. Even if he doesn't have a CSAT at the moment, I think I'm going to force the issue. I don't see how I can live an authentic life any other way.

I am a bit down today. Group class was a little depressing, I had to cop to a lot of behaviors I have developed in the past year that I don't like. And admit my new reality. Not fun. Now I get to accept it and figure out what I *can* do as a result. Bleah.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, November 5th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hath, I am sorry to hear you are down today. It's got to get better, right? I appreciate your support and want to offer support in kind. Stay strong -- and hugs...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
sbcoll
♀ New Member
Member # 31962
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, November 5th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i dont even know if my husband is a sex addict, he claims thats why he ended up with hookers. started with craigslist, adult friend finders, chatting and then got bored of that and progressed to hookers. He was with 5 , probably about 10 times in total. Its been over a year and half since his last time. We have been working on R... One thing that drives me crazy is that he still watches porn almost daily. I know this from looking at his history and what he downloads.. I dont get it, i know he is always very horny and sexual and we do have sex often. Am I wrong in asking him to quit the porn... so sick of this shit period...


BS (me) 43
WS (him) 44
Married 18 years, together 25
1 kid - 16b
DDay1 - 9/13/10- 1 girl on CL
DDay2- 11/4/10-5 hookers over the period of 5/2009-5/2010.
Claims to be a SA, very remorseful

Posts: 16 | Registered: Apr 2011
hurt94
♀ Member
Member # 33734
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, November 5th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG! How much more can my family take?? On June 27th my 17 year old twin nephews were murdered, my sisters only children, 3 months later I discover my sawh is having affairs, after years of severe porn addiction, lies and emotional abuse, then today I discover that my sisters s is cheating on her as well.... wtf is wrong with us that we have picked such men? I am so angry and sad, and enraged at both our spouses! My sis and I are close, raised her boys together always, like they were my own kids too and in our most painful time this men put us through even more for their own selfish wants! WTF!! All I want to do is scream, yell, kick, hit anything but feel this pain, I am so wrapped up in this from every side, I never thought I'd deal with a double murder in my family, of kids no less and then deal with a cheating husband and then have my sister go through the pain of losing her children in senseless violence with no answers and then have more trauma placed... I am spiraling down, darkness seems to be surrounding me!! How do I be there for her, and keep strong myself... I can't take much more!!


BS: Me 33
WH: 32
Married 6 years, together 13
D:15 S:14

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, November 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hurt94)))

I'm so sorry, no words of wisdom, just tons of empathy. I'll be thinking of you and sending tons of good thoughts your way. Hang in there and please try to take good care of yourself. You WILL get through all of this!


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, November 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurt, I am so so sorry for what you and your family are going through. How heartbreaking! I am sending all of you prayers and strength. I wish there was something more I could do...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, November 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((hurt)))))) believe it or not, the sisterhood of this site can provide some healing. It just helps to be able to post and know someone is listening. I am holding you and yours in the *LIGHT*

SK


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, November 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I went with my SAFWH to see his CSAT on Thurs. I have seen her before, and the plan was to see her with him once a month...That hadn't happened, but it will now. I was frustrated that he hadn't seemed to make much real progress in R, and I was seeing signs of slipping. He had "slips" what someone here called "inner circle" behaviors, by looking at scantily clad women, but not genuine porn, but apparently hadn't admitted that to anyone, not even himself. I found it, freaked out, and he realized what he was doing. He's since stepped up his "work"

He is very unable to get past the first three steps; admitting powerlessness, giving himself to a higher power, and be willing to turn his will over to that higher power. IMHO that is key to addictions and key to recovery. All addictions are about isolation and control. They have no control of parts of their life, and their emotions, and they do not know how to deal with or express any emotion (except anger in the case of my WH) So they isolate in the addiction or the fantasy life of it, the control you (they think) by their hiding it from you, and eventually they do become out of control, although they think they are.

After the last and final D Day, when I found the first slip, that's when I realized how MUCH the addiction controlled him. I was still seeing my husband, the man I married and to some extent, still tried to rely and lean on, and he wasn't there. He had been replaced by this addict. He truly COULD NOT control it.

And until he can admit that, truly truly admit that, he's still isolating. And won't get well.

So he's begun attending an off-shoot class to the 12 step meeting designed to help those with this same issue. And really work to overcome this stubborn, typically male, frustratingly hard-headed attitude that asking for help, admitting you NEED help, does not emasculate you.

Another example. His CSAT wants us to do a check-in each day, 4 parts. One part, is to ask each other for something. Like, ask your partner to pick up your favorite candy bar, or ask him/her for a back rub. Each time we do this he says, I don't NEED anything, I can't think of anything to ask of you. He refuses to ask for help. I'm pushing it, because I think this is also key to his Recovery. He isn't alone in his dark thoughts, he can and should learn to ask for help.

I'm rambling now, but I do believe that is why so many people, especially men, fall into the addiction trap. They don't feel connected and won't BE connected. It's sad.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, November 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurt, I am SO sorry. Seriously it must feel like it never ends for you. But you know, maybe it's the Pollyanna co-dep inside me but all I could think was wow, at least you and your sister can lean on each other and support each other, so you have choices to stay or go as needed. I would give anything to have a family member or local friend IRL to lean on during this time.

SK, what are the four points in your check in? I'm curious. And for what it's worth, I'm sure WH has the same issues with the first three steps too. I really don't know, he hasn't shared about the meetings that much with me yet.

He got mad at me today, because shortly after I woke up (and had not had my coffee LOL) he came in with a new shirt. I asked where it came from, and he said I gave him the stinkeye about it. Got all pissy about how he bought it while I was away, with our 3YO in tow, that he had already told me about it. I confronted him later about it, said I have the right to question anything, he does not have the right to be pissy about it. He said he was just surprised I asked about it when he'd already told me, etc. and it was not reasonable to expect he NOT react in that situation. I told him I had the right to question anything, as many times as I wanted, and if he chose to react that way fine but he was sabotaging his own trust tank with me. I wasn't the one that had to regain trust, he was. So he was grumbly but more compliant after that. Made a point to show me all the other purchases he made while I was gone, LOL, so there wouldn't be any other incidents.

Sigh. Seriously? After all you've done, you are giving me crap about that? WTH?


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, November 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's the points of the check in.
"1. Express an affirmation
The only criterion for this affirmation is that it is a positive statement that is true for you. Examples: 'I appreciate your work ethic.' 'I really admire the way you handled that situation even though it must not have been easy for you.'"

2 Share something from your day
It could be something that feels big, or perhaps something that feels light or even trivial

3 Share something that is on your radar

A hope, dream, vision or concern. It could be something way off on the horizon, or something that is with you right now. EX: 'I'm really looking forward to our date on Friday. It's going to be nice to see my family next week because I've missed them.'

4 Share a request you have of your partner.

There may be times when you truly do not have anything to request, but you are strongly encouraged to come up with something. EX: Every time you call me from work it helps me feel loved and appreciated. Please keep doing that. I know I've asked this before, but I'd really like you to hear me.

Stinkeye, really? He's lucky he isn't walking around with permanent BLACK eyes, am I right?



Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2921 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, November 6th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Boy am I feeling terrible tonight.

I've been a little hesitant to keep posting on this thread, since my husband has moved out this time, to be with another sex addict, and I am going to divorce him. In other words, I have given up, as opposed to most of you.

But tonight, I went through his old personal email account. It's still open, but he hardly ever uses it. I couldn't believe what I found.

Basically, I have been in complete denial about how many times/cycles he has fallen into his addiction. The emails tell the whole story: all about Christmas of 2008 when we were visiting his parents and I found all sorts of stuff on his phone. We got into a vicious fight because he grabbed the phone from me and erased it. I basically tore his shirt trying to get to the phone.

Then I saw the lead-up to this incident. Dozens of emails from me, asking him where he was in the evenings, asking him when he was going to get home. Me going through his computer, him denying everything in multiple emails. Me going crazy not being able to prove what I knew in my heart was going on again.

Also, his rush to find a CSAT. His email to him, admitting he was a SA, admitting he was acting out, asking for help and saying that he had been through lots of therapy with normal therapists, but this time he wanted to get fully better so he could fully heal and move forward.

Then within a month or two, emails from his CSAT asking him why he was missing appts. More excuses. Then finally, one solitary email from the CSAT about six months later, saying he still wondered about my SAH and wondered if he was okay. My husband didn't bother to reply because obviously he wasn't okay.

He went back to this CSAT about 16 months later when I found more messages on his phone. That was about 18 months ago.

Then he was okay until this spring. And then, this time, all hell broke loose.

I couldn't bear to keep reading back to what happened before 2008. But seeing it all in emails was so painful: the fighting over his behavior, my desperate emails looking for him, his notes about how much he loved me and the kids, his pleading for yet another chance. His lies. His truths, too.

I don't know. It's just so sad. What I also saw in those emails was tons of tons of normalcy and happiness in between his acting out cycles (though for all I know, he was always acting out, and the bad times were just when I started getting suspicious). I guess I'll never know. But all in a sudden, I feel such incredible grief for my lost marriage, my children's lost dad, just everything. I was married to my husband for nearly my entire adult life. I depended on him for so many things each day. I'm just so so incredibly sad and feeling so terrible right now. I am pretty sure that my husband is going to come to a very bad end without me and our children in his lives. It's just a tragedy. And my children - I still haven't told them the truth, and their dad has been living elsewhere for two months. I think that until tonight, I was sort of in shock. Tomorrow I retain a lawyer. It's suddenly real. I've lost my husband for good this time, and my innocent little children have lost their dad.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
SabinatheOwl
♀ Member
Member # 30023
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, November 7th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ChoosingHope))) & (((hurt94)))

I wish I could hug you IRL. Your pain reached out to me tonight, I can relate to how you feel in so many ways.

I really feel like a hypocrite tonight, everyone. I was working on my journal (private blog) & realized that I'm not detaching like I tell myself I am- like I need to. To the degree I need to. I'm still reaching out occasionally, asking him out on dates once in a while, being emotionally vulnerable. I guess I could pass it off as habit, but truthfully, I need to stop. According to the journal, I've told myself stop reaching out to him, stop carrying the job "sole emotional nurturer" at least twice before. My therapists have been telling me to stop carrying the load since last spring at least. And yet- as prepared as I am to move on, as much as I *have* truly let go, I still have occasional, almost reflexive, moments when I reach out to SAWH somehow. And typically I regret it later.

So in the interest of keeping myself honest, I wanted to post this here. As a kind of pledge, I guess. A reminder that a journey is made one step at a time.


Hugs to all~ Sabina

[This message edited by SabinatheOwl at 1:01 AM, November 7th (Monday)]


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