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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 7
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Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, October 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
TooManyYears
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Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, October 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7yrsbetrayed's excellent post on resources for those dealing with SA:

List of resources for Spouses/Partners of SA
This is the advice and list of resources I give to all members newly dealing with a possible or confirmed SA partner. This is all good advice even if you don't stay together. If you don't educate yourself about SA and codependency you're very likely to end up with another addict partner.
~~
Educate yourself about sexual addiction.
First and foremost you should read these books:

"Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts" by Stefanie Carnes.

"Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies and Secrets" by Claudia Black PhD

and

"Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal" by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means
~~~~
His best hope for recovery is for him to seek treatment with a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) Here is a resource to find CSATs by zip code:
http://www.iitap.com/find_csat.cfm

You might also want to start on that website to find a good therapist for yourself. He has to work his recovery on his own and even if he doesn't get help you'll need counseling to recover from the trauma of being married to a sex addict. And believe me, it IS a trauma. You need to find counselors who are experts on SA otherwise you're in for a world of confusion and pain. (This is my opinion based on experience)
~~~~
Online resources:
http://www.sexhelp.com
This is Dr Patrick Carnes' website. He is *the* expert on SA.

http://www.sa.org
Sexaholics Anonymous
If your husband faces his sex addiction and seeks treatment he'll most likely be directed to a 12-Step group. This is the one I recommend. If you look at their site you'll also find information for yourself that may be helpful. (I personally recommend SA not SAA because SAA is too lax in their definition of healthy sexual behavior. This is my opinion.)

http://www.recoverynation.com is an excellent online community with online recovery workshops for both the SA and the spouse. (This should not replace seeing a CSAT (see below) and going to SA meetings (see above) for the sex addict but is a great addition to those things.)

http://www.candeocan.com This is an excellent source of information. They focus on what they call "porn addiction" however, there is no such thing, it is ALL sex addiction. The info on their site is so good that I still recommend it with the explanation that "porn" addiction is in fact "sex" addiction.
~~~~
To fully understand SA you both need to do some reading. If he doesn't face his addiction you should still do the reading to help yourself and decide what you want. I don't advise women to stay with SAs who are not in recovery and who are not sober.

I recommend for the partner (in addition to the 3 above):

"Don't Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes (I recommend you read this after you've read "Mending a Shattered Heart" and the others, but not before.)

For the SA:
"Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes
(I don't recommend you read this book, but it would be an excellent read for your husband to start if he's willing to face his addiction, while you read "Mending a Shattered Heart")

Most SAs have a serious porn habit, this book "Porn Nation" by Michael Leahy, would be a good book for the SA. Mr. Leahy is a recovering sex addict who had a serious porn addiction that cost him pretty much everything before he finally hit bottom. (I don't recommend that wives read this book at first. It's too triggery for "just found outs")
~~~~
Sadly, a really helpful post regarding boundaries and consequences has long since been lost. Here is a link to a website with good info on it:
http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

This is going to be vital for you going forward. You cannot force him to seek treatment and you cannot control him but you do have a right to set boundaries to keep yourself safe.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
TooManyYears
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Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, October 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Always hard to jump to a new thread...

hathnofury,

I didn't mean to make it sound like I struggle daily with the fact that I stayed with my H. I would say that in March of this year, I finally had reached a point in my own recovery that I felt committed to the marriage again. I would say that up until that time, I still thought about a life without him and pointed the finger at him as much as possible. What changed for ME was that I started working on my recovery harder. Working my steps and seeing the CSAT. I had been attending S-Anon for almost a year at that point, but not engaged on working on me as much as I needed to.

Obviously, I have a ton of FOO issues. I grew up in a pretty bizarre household with abuse, shame, and addiction, too. But because I was not the one who was choosing to act out in the way that my SA was (workaholism is very accepted, and I kept my alcohol use secret), I was not the bad guy. I could point the finger at him and say "how dare you". Now, I am NOT absolving him of responsibility or making excuses for him, but I found that as I owned my own behavior more and examined my choices I felt less discontent with the marriage. Interestingly enough, self care activities have also become easier as I have made progress in my recovery, too. I find that I am taking better care of ME. Also, my relationship with my children has changed, too. So many benefits of working recovery as a spouse!

My H is also in a very strong recovery at 2 years out. He is finishing up his 9th step, he goes to 12 step every week, sees his CSAT and goes to a CSAT led therapy group every week. He is putting the consistent effort in, and it has made a difference. In many ways (because his therapy was so much more intense in the beginning than mine was) he has made a lot more progress than I have.

I realize everyone's level of dysfunction is very different, and not everyone came from abusive FOO. I realize that not all spouses identify with the co-dependent tendencies. I still firmly believe that shouldn't put us off of seeking recovery through the use of a CSAT and 12 step group. If nothing else, it at least provides us with even more support, and we could all use that.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
ChoosingHope
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Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was wondering if anyone's spouses did inpatient treatment for their SA? I was told that my husband has virtually no chance at getting better if he doesn't do it.

Then again, he has a million excuses for why he can't do it - some legitimate, some ridiculous.

Thank you.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
TooManyYears
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Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I am not mistaken, I believe sager's SAH did inpatient treatment. Otherwise, IRL, I don't know anyone who has.

Recovery from SA is pretty much impossible unless the SA wants it for themselves. I had known my H was a SA for many years. In fact, over 10 years ago he wrote it himself in a suicide letter. Even just having that knowledge did not bring about recovery. He did go to a couple IC's and white knuckle at times, but he always returned to acting out and with the typical SA escalation.

Successful recovery requires a huge time commitment and a dramatic lifestyle change. For most addicts they have to hit their rock bottom first.


Me- 40
H, rSA- 46
2 young adult children
Married 21 years
Last D-day 9/19/09 (Many before this)

Posts: 496 | Registered: Nov 2009
hathnofury
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Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, TMY, I hope I didn't make you think I thought you struggled daily with it, and hope I didn't imply that of me as well. I have my moments of doubt, and they spiral downward of course. I just wanted you to know you weren't alone in having those thoughts.

ChoosingHope, at our last class there was a testimony of a recovering SA of nearly 12 years. When he was confronted by his wife back then, they were in MC and she referred him to this SA center for testing. Back then the initial test was only 25 "red flags" if you will, SA behaviors. If you had six or more, they recommended you get further evaluated for SA by a CSAT. He never divulged exactly what he was into in his testimony, only made references to illegal activity and that he hit 23 out of 25 on that test. He went into a 30 day inpatient program (not here, not affiliated with this center) and said it saved his life. He continued his aftercare with the center and is still attending weekly SLA meetings. He and his wife got divorced, but they were headed that way before she found out, the infidelity was a dealbreaker for her even before the SA was diagnosed. He did not mention which inpatient program he went to, though.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
ChoosingHope
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Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you both. The first couple of times my husband got caught, I think he wanted to get better.

This time he's too far gone. I would say that he's hit bottom: lost his wife, children, home, friends, family.

But as a wise woman posted here last week, some addicts have no bottom.

I think that inpatient treatment would help him on some level. It won't save our marriage, but I'm hoping that he could possibly recover to the point where he could be a decent dad and help contribute financially.

Maybe I'm just still very naive.


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
al35118
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Member # 33649
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all, I think i belong in this section too. My WGF is a SA. My D-Day was Jun 17th to Jun 22. Still haven't had full disclosure. She seems to be handling things much better than I do. But she has made the changes needed to take this on. We have been going to MC with some IC thrown in.


Bh 48
FWW 31
Married Jan 24th 2012
D-Day June 17 2011
Then TT until Oct 19,2011

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Bama
Kalu
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Member # 33658
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all, newbie here needing some guidance and support.
My husband had an EA in 2009 which blew me out the water. I struggled to embrace reconciliation and found my husband engaging in more and more porn and adult dating sites. I finally insisted on MC and in discussion realised that my husband lurches from one addiction to another including alcohol, computer games, shopping and gambling (we have 60,000 worth of debt) and now adult dating sites. The MC suggested SA but said there is almost no help out there in the Uk for this issue and that he wasn't able to help. Since then as a couple we have done a great rug sweeping job!
Now all of a sudden I see signs his addiction is developing with less straight porn and more webcam/dating sites. I also spotted him watching me in the shower when I didn't know. Our sex life is good but he has started to talk about how often we had sex when we were first together compared to now ( we met when we were teens!) I have also noted that he has started to look at the gaming site he was previously addicted to and he seems to be flirting with a woman he works with, offering "emotional support".
I'm in a much better place personally now in that I am financially independent, the house and all our assets are in my name, my children (6&7) are well cared for and happy, I have lost 20kg and am fit, healthy and my own person. And now I want to tackle this issue. I have an STI test booked for tomorrow ( I know, better late than never though) and do understand that this isn't my battle alone to fight. But after a year (and more) of totally avoiding this issue how do I start the discussion again? Maybe it just because I'm coming up to an antiversary but I'm suddenly panicking about how far down the denial route we have both gone and how things might be getting worse.
I am slowly working through the previous threads and learning lots of good stuff but feel quite paralysed by fear regarding addressing all this when there seems like there is limited professional support out there for me. I just need to know where to start.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: UK
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Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kalu,

You might look at RecoveryNation.com online. I found the information there to be quite good. There are sections for each of you.

Also, for yourself, Al-Anon meetings might help. I have been to S-Anon, Al-Anon and at times when I couldn't find another meeting, AA meetings. It always helps me get re-grounded when I go to a meeting.

Best of luck - being where you are is very difficult.


Posts: 1062 | Registered: Aug 2010
hathnofury
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Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Kalu. Welcome.

I think ScribblingMum is in your neck of the woods, she can probably tell you what is and is not available out there. Just the top of my head, what little I know that might help you:

I'm in a class for SAs and Spouses. Apparently additional addictions in SAs are very common. They hop back and forth from one to another, so they can feel "in control" of whatever one appears to be the real problem at that time. The class stated you have to address ALL the addictions at once, or else you can never break the cycle.

So in the vein of that thought, perhaps you should just look into AA (for him) and Al-Anon (for you), or therapists or groups that work with addiction in general, and go from there. It's worth a shot.

Second, I wonder what boundaries and requirements you have in place. When I confronted my WH with his stuff, I put the kibosh on all suspect internet activities, all porn, all questionable activities like strip clubs and whatnot. I told him I didn't have time to watch him all the time and sort out potential problem areas, he had to give it all up or there would be no R. He willingly agreed, and he knows I check the web history. He reports to me his agenda for the day and tells me if he winds up doing something different in real time. And I have other means to check he is not aware of. This is just something I arbitrarily demanded on DDay, and it happens to align with SA treatment. If a program was available to you, and he was going, they'd have similar restrictions on him.

The other thing I hear, from multiple sources, here, my lawyer, my gyno, in therapy, etc is whatever they admit to or you know about, it is safe to assume at this point in the game it is twice as bad as you think it is. If they are doing dating sites, they are probably having hookups (even if only by webcam). If they are seeing hookers, they have probably also already done random anonymous encounters, or at least looked into it and know how to do it. If they admit to two ONS, it's probably at least 4. Etc. So if you are seeing all this stuff on the computer...chances are there is other acting out you are not aware of. So when you are making your plans and decisions, keep that in mind for the time being.

Other than that? IDK. IC. Some sort of group support, like Al-Anon. Tons and tons of books are available on the subject, and they have different takes on it, so it's helpful to read as many as you can and take what applies to you. And mainly just working on yourself, which you are doing well, and figuring on what you want, and what is in your realm of control.

Good luck. Keep posting. Every post helps more than one person, I assure you.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
NOTINKANSAS
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Member # 31199
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,
I am really struggling with something. I'm constantly imagining my H out having fun at my expense with sexy, attractive women who have awesome sexual skills and bodies, despite him telling me his SA was NOT fun. I posted more details over in reconciliation. Has anyone experienced this and can offer some advice? I'd really appreciate it. I'm torturing myself. I feel like I can't see past my own perspective that sex is fun and exciting. It's hard for me to believe that it was as bad as he says because he kept doing it.


I'm 33
He's 31
Recovering from SA
4 kids
D-Day 01-06-11 (Husband confessed sex 2x in 2009 with "trashy" girl from the ghetto)
D-Day 2 May 7, 2011 (confessed the rest of the betrayals)

Posts: 234 | Registered: Feb 2011
hathnofury
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Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Notinkansas, I think you have to think back about the post about competing with the electronic image. I can't remember who said it at the moment, but basically those girls (and boys?IDK) don't burp, fart, tell them their tie is crooked, etc. Same deal with the live ones.

In my case, as far as I know ATM, it was hookers. I had the mixed blessing of stumbling on pix from his phone. So I know what they look like, ew. They don't have stretchmarks from 3 kids, are not in their 40s, etc. but still, ew. She was paid to show up and do what he wanted. She wouldn't say no to his kinky requests. She wouldn't say she had a headache or that she heard the kids having a nightmare. I don't doubt the more successful ones know to act excited and act like they are actually attracted to them.

But honestly? I think they hate their jobs, but it's the only way they can get the amount of money they need to support whatever expensive habit or trouble they have (and it doesn't necessarily have to be nefarious or illegal trouble, but it likely is). The only thing they enjoy about activities with their johns is how easy it is to take their money. Over and over again. And honestly they probably laugh over who comes to see them, as a coping mechanism, if they bother to think about them at all.

I suspect anonymous hookups are similar. They are so excited about the deception, the hunt etc that they forget to actually look to see if the person is attractive and actually take time to enjoy anything. It's all just forbidden fruit.

I'm just saying it doesn't make sense to a normal, healthy logical person because they don't have a normal, healthy, logical perspective on it.

IDK if this helps at all, but it is what gets me through when the doubts come creeping in.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
broken&bruised
♀ Member
Member # 33662
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IDK if this has been posted but for those who are open to a religion based program xxxchurch.com is an amazing resource, their x3watch is one of the best accountablity and filter program Ive found and its pretty cheap!


Dday-sept 19,2011
BS- me 24
WS - him 25 (3mo EA after a 1mo PA while I was away and she was visiting friends here)
2 kids 2yr and 2mo
Working on R and in MC

"Tattered and Torn
Broken and Bruised
Beautiful Pain take me away. "


Posts: 57 | Registered: Oct 2011
hathnofury
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Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As promised, my notes from the last class, which addressed elements of a recovery plan (which will be covered in our group therapy sessions in more depth).

I had mentioned in the first class the presented alluded to this special list of 40+ accomplishments that made a SA more likely to have a successful recovery, and this is the first time since then they have mentioned it again. They said it is exclusive to their data at their center for the last 20+ years, they have not been able to replicate it elsewhere because every place records their own stuff differently.

He did not mention all of the 40+ things. But he did list a few specifically:
A primary therapist for the SA, preferably CSAT.
Group Therapy.
12 step meetings of some kind.
That any other addictions were addressed as well. Usually secondary ones are involved.
Clarified and resolved FOO issues (and redefined FOO relationships as a result).
Involved their families in therapy and recovery.
Couples therapy/support.
Developed and maintained a spiritual life.
Maintained regular exercise and good nutrition. Not just because you are supposed to, but because you are committed to a total life change for the better.

Then he also listed these tasks as part of recovery, which are likely part of the master list:
Break compulsions/addictions
Willingness to deal with the pain and suffering that comes with achieving full recovery.
Accept the realities of the past and present.
Overcome fear. Of feelings/memories/life.
Have actual feelings instead of suppress them, reclaim the disowned feelings.
Accountability, honesty, and vulnerability.
Dedication to a course greater than oneself.
Admitting to your entire sexual history.
Taking the first step in 12 step.
Doing an abstinence contract.
Addressing FOO issues, to achieve the aforementioned clarity and resolution.
Three circles (this could be a whole post in itself, I can't explain further)

Then he may have also listed some of these tasks indirectly in saying things essential to approaching recovery:
do only what is important
reward good work
affirm yourself
be accountable
take care of yourself
know what matters
learn from mistakes
rest and reflect, meditate
connect to those that know your story. You need at least one person, other than your spouse or family, that knows your whole story to keep you grounded.
allow pain/joy/anger/fear
Stay in the present
Accept sex is not the enemy
Seek your sexual self
Have boundaries for yourself and others.

There was also a long discussion of the stages of recovery, and another on the process of disclosure. Both warrant a separate post.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
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Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a repeat of a post in my story in JFO. I bring it up because we have discussed before in the thread what to do about someone who is not religious/spiritual and thus is afraid of 12 step programs. It was also addressed in the class I talked about above.

........

So in the last class, the instructor, who is the head of the SA center, expanded a little bit on the spiritual component of addiction recovery and 12 step. It was in the context of explaining many of the key elements of a successful SA's recovery, one item in a large checklist if you will.

So he basically said, households that do not have a religious or spiritual component in their family and routines have trouble with battling addiction. This is because the parents have no higher authority/power to answer to, the buck stops with them. This is not bad in and of itself, until said parents are struggling with making good choices and behaviors, they have no one/thing to hold a standard to other than their own compromised judgment.

So he said that what works for many that do not subscribe to religion or traditional spiritual practices in their family, is to think of God as G.O.D - Good Orderly Direction. So you have a standard to compare to outside yourself. Is what I'm doing, what I'm believing, feeling, reacting, etc in compliance with Good Orderly Direction in my life and those lives affected? This can be your "higher power". To me, this is not unlike the Ethics classes taught in business school, there are questions you can use to determine if what you are doing are ethical, you can adapt these kinds of questions for Good Orderly Thinking to make it easier for you to determine if you are acting in accordance with the G.O.D. directive.

To DH, this is just another way of saying WWJD? Which is sad. I told him he needed to open his mind. I told him I know he wasn't really ready to take this course now, but I appreciated that he was trying to anyway. I told him that I understood that he felt HIS definition of Addict and control of his actions did not exactly match the specific wording of 12 step. But but if he would just step back, and understand he does accept he has a problem, and that he needs help do fix it and cannot do it alone, that in and of itself is in the spirit of the program. That he needs to quit arguing the details and not seeing the forest for the trees. He needs to let go and let the program take him where he needs to go. The rest will follow.

He reluctantly agreed, and said he still was going to try the three different flavors of 12 step available in the area to see which one fit him best. Not only are the founding organizations different, but then the local interpretation/mix of people are different so he wants to find one that speaks to him.

I post this not only to record our struggle, but also because so many others are reluctant to try 12 step because of the religious component. Here is my take on it. Faith, by definition, is believing in something you don't have conclusive evidence in. To experience growth, healing, pretty much anything positive you need to have faith that something will work even when you aren't 100% sure it will. You are surrendering to the unknown, hoping for the best, in order to hopefully better yourself. You don't have to believe in God to do that. You just have to have FAITH in something other than yourself. To me, that is a higher power. And that is all you need to begin 12 step, or in anything in life really.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1410 | Registered: Jun 2011
scaredyKat
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Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HHNF I REALLY appreciate your informative posts. While we , too did an SA "course" yours is more informative about some things...

I DO know a few recovering SAs who did inpatient treatment with a lot of success. Two went to The Meadows, founded by Carnes and one to Keystone in Pa., I believe that had some Carnes involvement as well.

NotinKansas-I feel you, honey. But I must say that the gut feeling I got when I read your description of your H's dislosure, well, I think he very well may have been disgusted with himself. That's been one of my H's biggest obstacle, and a huge barrier to recovery overall, the addict's ability to overcome the guilt they carry. While my H's acting out wasn't primarily SEX per se, I know his lapdance habit totally humiliated him. And his stated distain for adulterous men in the press wasn't just blowing smoke. He had the same disgust for what he had done. But addiction does hijack the brain.
My SA actual had himself convinced that his "favorite" strippers were his friends, with real interest in his activities and life other than his wallet. This is a man in his 50's with several advanced degrees. THEY A RE ADDICTS. And when the brain starts to return to normal, free of the chemical wash that the addictive cycle causes, they are horrified at what they did and the pain they caused.
None of this excuses their choices or invalidates our feelings of hurt and anger. But my guess is, most of our spouses would do things differently if given a time machine.
Hell, I sound so wise and rational. Half the time I still want to cry, disappear or rip his head off.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 10:44 PM, October 18th (Tuesday)]


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2933 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
ChoosingHope
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Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NotInKansas: Yes, I felt the same way as you the first time this happened to me. It was awful.

Well, this time around, I got access to 3000 pages of texts between my husband and these women. I had access to their innermost thoughts - and they were pathetic and juvenile and NOT sexy at all.

Then I found my husband's profile (and the women's profiles) on various sex/fetish websites.

I can not stress enough the shock I felt when I saw photos of these people. The vast majority of women who are involved in the sex trade, or involved with deviant sexual practices, or who are just run-of-the-mill whores are UGLY. They are fat, often obese, hideously ugly, tattooed and pierced in all sorts of bad ways, trashy, desperate, and sick sick sick people.

They are ugly, inside and out. They are broken people. They feel that they have nothing better to offer the world than sex. I wish I knew this the first time around. I know that you are more beautiful than any of these broken people - both inside and out.

They live in a sick, sad fantasy world when they are trying to self-medicate to forget some long-ago trauma. It's sad and sordid.

I wish I had some tips to help you stop the thoughts running through your mind. I'm hoping that someone else here might -


Posts: 1433 | Registered: Oct 2011
KickedintheGut
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Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, October 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all. I wanted to post that we've had a good week. I figure I tend to post when I'm stressed or having an issue, but don't post when good things happen. I need to see that good happens, so I'm guessing y'all do too.

This week I was able to share with one of my best friends SAWH's A. If you remember, I had the issue with WH going to the golf bachelor party - that was HER ex-husband. The one who marries the wifetress this last weekend. I went over to her house to hang with her this weekend as I thought she could use the support. I told her what happened and was able to tell her how badly I feel and that I was sorry that I didn't understand fully what she was going through then and I wished that she had someone who "got" it because it was hell. It was a nice moment.

After coming home, I told my husband about it and we talked for a long time. He said that he had been holding back telling me TO tell her as he thought that was just as controlling as his request at the beginning to please not tell anyone. He said that he wanted me to feel free to tell anyone I needed to as he had a lot of support on his side, but I was cut off from most of my support as this has been kept from everyone.

He's been chairing his meetings this month and is coming up on getting his 1 year chip. Things aren't fantastic, but they are on the high end of ok, which I think is a fine place to be right now. We still have a lot of work to do - and some of it I know will never end. We're coming up on our antiversary in a few weeks. Not sure how I want to deal with that, but I'm pondering it.

Hugs to all.


Me - BW (38) Him (calcitro) - SAWH (38)
2 Kids Working on R
DDay#1 - 11/9/10 - 2 year EA/PA
DDay #2 - 12/9/10
Disclosure - 4/8/11
Timeline - 5/9/11

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2010
NOTINKANSAS
♀ Member
Member # 31199
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, October 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hathnofury, wow, that course sounds really amazing. I wish we had something like that in my neck of the woods. My H is not a big reader so it's been hard for him to learn more about his addiction.

I guess where I am stuck is I'm thinking "OK dear H, you say you had sex that was no good with women who you say you didn't like and who were not attractive and it made you hate yourself but you could not stop, and you supposedly loved me. Say again?"

I'm just on the floor here.

I truly appreciate hearing that I'm not the only one. I'm trying to believe him, and hearing that other SA say the same thing gives him credibility. He doesn't read a whole lot and you can't make this shit up, so I'm starting to believe that he was just seriously messed up and not intentionally out to hurt me.

I don't know what's going on with me this week but I think maybe I've reached the point of understanding that this was not about me or my faults and I'm kind of in a weird state of mind.

I can't wait to go over this in IC today. That sounds weird, doesn't it?


I'm 33
He's 31
Recovering from SA
4 kids
D-Day 01-06-11 (Husband confessed sex 2x in 2009 with "trashy" girl from the ghetto)
D-Day 2 May 7, 2011 (confessed the rest of the betrayals)

Posts: 234 | Registered: Feb 2011
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