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User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 6
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, August 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


She gets very frustrated and insists that her behavior has been trustworthy.

Simply put...she.does.not.get.it. Not yet. Doesn't mean she won't. Right now she is looking at her A as past. You are still putting it together, therefor it's present. Until she is able to thoroughly examine not only her actions but what it has done to you, she will continue to get frustrated. Her actions may be 100% trustworthy (now), but how are you to know? She needs to understand that every time it takes her 5 minutes longer to get home from work than usual you have already run about 20 different scenarios of what she has done with that time. Is she calling OM from a pay phone, did she meet up with him, etc.

It seems to me the better question is what is she doing to demonstrate worthiness of your trust. Is she in IC? Is she proactive with transparency? Is she remorseful? Is she NC with OM? Has she provided you with all of the information you need with honesty?

If the answer is yes to all of these, then the answer is empathy and time. She needs to be able to understand and feel what it must be like in your shoes. She needs to own her actions. And she needs to give you (and herself) time to heal. Its still very early days.

You may never get to place where you have complete trust in her again. It can come and go in waves. That is something she will need to accept.


Me: WS 41
Him: BH 42 (holdingtogether)
M: 17 years, together 21
2 Daughters: 12 and 9
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 493 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 5:03 AM, August 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What does it say about a WS who still lies about details of their affair long after dday until they are backed into a corner and then they spill out more TT. Purging in chunks. Especially if the WS is very remorseful, gripped by shame, terrified at the thought of losing their spouse, knows their whys and has made significant changes to 'fix' themselves otherwise.

What does shame do to you?

How do you not let your affair define you?


Growing forward

Posts: 1444 | Registered: Sep 2011
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, August 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dixie,

Have you said anything to him along the lines of you would leave if you ever found out he was still lying? Have any boundaries been set as to what you will do if more TTing were to occur?

Early on I was never one to give information freely for two reasons. One was protection of myself. The other was desperate fear of being left alone. I have been backed into several corners as you put it. Once I realized he was leaving me I knew I had to lay it on the line. I ended up writing a detailed timeline and eventually took a poly for us to even begin to move forward.

You are so much further along time wise than we were then so it makes me wonder how much fear is in place for him. Fear and shame are powerful drivers of the bus. It's taken me quite some time for me to overcome much of my fears.

It is very difficult to continue to move in forward direction when shame is a primary emotion. It can paralyze you. I ended up reading a book called Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw. It helped me learn where my shame was manifesting from and how to understand many of my FOO issues. I didn't necessarily agree with all of the technique to work through it, but for me having an understanding of it helped me address it.

I imagine he still has much to work on himself if he continues to hold information from you lets shame get the best of him. He hasn't owned his actions yet. Ownership is a vital step in healing. If he is driven by shame, he is still thinking too much if himself. It doesn't allow for much support towards you. It's too inwardly focused.

I recommend he read that book and discuss his shame with his IC.


Me: WS 41
Him: BH 42 (holdingtogether)
M: 17 years, together 21
2 Daughters: 12 and 9
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 493 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, August 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stillhere97

How long did it take you to forgive yourself? Was it easier to get forgiveness from bs or yourself?

The A ended two and a half years ago. I have not forgiven myself at this time. My XBH has told me he forgave me; in that sense I suppose it was "easier" to get it from him but not really, as I don't feel I deserve forgiveness.

I posted this on a thread in the wayward forum a couple of weeks ago, and it sums up my feelings about forgiveness, both from my XH and from myself:

I think where I mostly find myself stuck is the "intent factor." I understand forgiving accidents, or carelessness, or mistakes, or even deliberate wrongdoing without really considering the consequences. But none of those apply to what I did. It was on purpose, it was with full realization of what the consequences would be (and how it would hurt XH) and that is why, I think, I can't forgive myself.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 6:33 PM, August 28th (Tuesday)]


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1912 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, August 29th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this question has been asked before, but Heartbroken's point about "intent" brings me to ask again.

My WH still claims that his affair was not intentional - that he got carried away into a situation that after a while made him think that no one would ever know about and therefore never get hurt. We've all heard that before.

He also says that he never realized how his affair was impacting our marriage despite the fact that he became more and more distant as the years went by.

He never let himself feel guilty about the lies and deception and never saw that I was unhappy even though I would frequently ask him "What is wrong? You don't seem happy" when he was mean, frustrated or cold to me.

He says that "I always loved you". My question is..........
How is it possible to love someone and continue a physical affair for 15 years?
Can he really love me now as he claims, or is it because I am the only one left?


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 658 | Registered: Feb 2012
She-Ra
♀ Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, August 29th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fighting Back:

I'm going to start off with you are an incredible woman and I'm very sorry that your WH has put you through the ringer of a LTA. I might not be the best person to respond because I cannot wrap my head around your WH A. I feel angry just thinking about it.

I would say he's honest that he does love you and was able to carry on the affair by compartmentalizing. Its not like what I'm saying would be new as that is what waywards do, some are better than others. I suck at compartmentalizing and would never be able to carry on for years on end. I could barely handle my inner turmoil for a few months.

I'm sure he has always loved you very much but a 15 yr LTA is not something you do to your loving spouse.

His A might not have been the intent at first but seriously 15 years? After the first few sexual encounters, it was definitely his intention to keep it going.

I sure hope your WH is in major IC. He should be kissing the ground you walk on, just for you to consider R with him.


FWW 33 BH 33
Met 8 yrs ago, together for 6, married for 3
Dday Aug 10, 2012
Beautiful baby daughter born June 2013
Now in limbo.. I'm allowed to have deal breakers too

The WW formerly known as messedupchick


Posts: 735 | Registered: Jul 2012
TXBW68
♀ Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, August 29th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This may have been asked previously but I just can't go thru all 49 pages tonight.

How do you justify throwing everything away? Walking out on all of your responsibilities? Especially when the A was just EA when he left. I could understand more if he was sleeping with someone in this state. But this chick is in Oregon - we live in Texas! (He did finally see her in July when he was sent to her location for work.)

Everything happened so fast! We were the IT couple. We had a great life. He turned 40 in Dec, we had our 20th anniversary in Jan and then all of the sudden he's texting constantly, staying up later than usual "playing games", etc. Next thing I know he's "in love" with her and walking out on me/kids. I've had all of the grown-up responsibilities for 4 months now. Two weeks ago, he stood on our front porch and laughed in my face. Said he didn't care about me anymore.

How does that person I've loved for 20 years just disappear? The EA started in February - he left in April. Told me he's never regretted his decision to leave us. Can anyone explain the mindset of a person like this? I've been reading everything possible and I just can't understand how someone walks away from the most important people in his life...

If it's the "fog", how long am I supposed to sit here waiting for him to wake the hell up? He's signed a lease on an apt 10 min from me, not her, but we don't talk at all other than text about the kids.

Sorry this was long but any insight would be greatly appreciated!!


Me (45) WH (42),2 boys 14 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 781 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, August 30th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Messedupchick,

My mind whirls this around every day. Thanks for acknowledging that he is pretty messed up too. All the best to you.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 658 | Registered: Feb 2012
scangel3
♀ Member
Member # 36164
Question  Posted: 10:56 PM, August 30th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can a BS make there FWS realize that they are serious about the possibility of the M being over?

I know that sounds like a weird ?, the obvious answer would be to move out or make the WS move out. But in our case it's not that easy. Financially we are struggling, I just lost my part time job (that could have been closer to full time had I requested it) We are having to move out of our current home because our landlords are selling it. But before we found out about the sale of our house, I mentioned to WS if things don't change and you don't start showing me what I need from you to feel like we are even married to begin with, then I am out. I am not happy, and not sure if I can ever get past the A. He still thinks things are "fine" "we'll be ok" he says, and then he follows with saying "if YOU do move out it will be all YOUR choice, because You just want to, it has nothing to do with the A from 2 years ago." (which is BS) So because we are having to stay in the same home (for now) I guess it seems "fine" but it's not. I ask him what we should be looking for in a new home (maybe something with an extra bedroom, or different level, therefore still staying in the same home to co-parent our kids for the time being, or find two cheap apartments. Well his response is always just find something we have now because I am not the one that wants to leave. If YOU want to leave then do what you want. He is still stuck on us being "fine" and living in a similar place as we do now same amount of rent (or a little less to make it easier financially) but he will not take into consideration the "if we separate" what will happen. He couldn't afford what we have now and child support and I sure as hell can't afford anything close to what we have now. I am in school and would be using financial aid and student loans to pay the rent until i can get another job.

I just don't know how to make him see we are NOT "fine" and we won't just wake up and be "all better". He's a great father and we are on good terms right now (as friends, not as husband and wife)

Any suggestions to get my point across since moving out or kicking him out is NOT an option right now?

Thank you for any responses I get, I just don't know how to make him see.

[This message edited by scangel3 at 11:03 PM, August 30th (Thursday)]


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 706 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

scangel3,

Pretty hard to tell him your serious when separating is NOT an option.

Maybe you just need to approach your marital recovery differently. Maybe you can ask if he would like to restore romantic love back into your marriage. Explain to him that you do not feel romantic love anymore and that you want to.

You might start with a book that helped my wife and I greatly, "Fall In Love, Stay In Love" by Dr. Willard Harley, Jr. It's an abridged version of two of his other books combined, "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters".

I really think your best option is to restore the love that's missing in your marriage. Demanding he do this or that, isn't the road traveled that makes that happen.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TXBW68,

Your post breaks my heart.

It could have been written by my wife 5 years ago.

My wife read two very important books that saved her sanity and helped her devise a plan.

They can both be found here in the Healing Library.

Surviving An Affair, by Dr. Willard Harley Jr.

Not "Just Friends", by Dr. Shirley Glass

As for your question of how we can do this to our wife and children.

It's called HALOTOSIS. Our Halo, that we placed there ourselves, slips and reflects an image back that allows us to see no one except ourselves. It also has a tendency to make us think we are angelic.
The reason the halo slipped.... Well it's because we've stuck our head up our asses and it's just stuck there until the halo moves enough for us to see that the view ain't so good up there.

I hope I at least made you smile! :)


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
scangel3
♀ Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Card; thank you for your reply. I will check into that book. I'm not ready to give up...yet. Close but not yet. I need to work on myself. I have been fighting for this marriage for over 2 years. Fighting for his love and affection. And to your other thing you mentioned about telling him what i want, and I feel there is no romantic love in our marriage any more. Well that's the thing I have told him all of that. I even gave him some ideas as to how to help me feel different. We have talked about this for around year and I even wrote it out for him after talking about AGAIN about two months ago. He read it, "listened" to me when we talked. But NOTHING has changed, except that I am done trying!!! I am here for our 3 kids, not us anymore. I don't want to quite yet but a break may do us some good, just wish we were in a place to be able to do that. He need IC and won't do it, I need IC and am going to do it. But if he won't do it and work on himself then nothing is going to get fixes within himself. He is just rug sweeping, wants us to just get past it and push it to the side and try to work on us but not bring up the A.

Thank you again for the comment, I will look into that book. Just not sure what else to do to get him to see that other part of your comment other then what I have already done.


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 706 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

scange13,

What about an in-house 180? Start detaching, let him fend for himself. Don't engage except for the kids and finances. Create a schedule where he has equal responsibility for the house and the kids.

Have you tried getting him to read some of the articles geared toward Waywards?

The main thing that finally got me to pull my head out of my ass was when my BW packed a bag. She had an exit plan.

How long do you have until you're done with school? Do you have any family to lean on?


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6016 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TXBW68,

Yes, it has been asked, but it doesn't hurt to ask again...

The following info is taken from a psychology website for EA's. Some of the info on the page isn't helpful, but these two parts really helped me to see what was going on in my own EA. Sort of woke me up a bit.

7. Outsmart the body.

A little biology lesson here. When you are infatuated with someone, your brain chemistry whispers lies into your ears that can have you doing really stupid stuff. The spike in dopamine and norepinephrine produced with heightened sexual tension might tell you that all your troubles would end if you only kissed the handsome guy you just friended on Facebook, or ran off with the barista that makes you a perfect cappuccino. Helen Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers University, author of “Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love,” explains why emotional affairs feel so good:

Love is a drug. The ventral tegmental area is a clump of cells that make dopamine, a natural stimulant, and sends it out to many brain regions [when one is in love]. …It’s the same region affected when you feel the rush of cocaine.

Thus, identifying the physiological components of infatuation can be a strong ally in fighting the war against infidelity.

8. Treat the addiction.

Categorizing an emotional affair as an addiction is helpful in two ways: First, it depersonalizes the experience, making it easier to let go of, and it also provides some tangible steps a person can take to kick her habit. Addictions induce a trance-like state that allows the addict to detach from the pain, guilt, and shame she feels. She buys into false and empty promises—a flawed sense of intimacy and fulfillment—until reality hits. Hard. And the addict is forever vulnerable to buying into this distorted vision, which is why recovery from emotional affair never ends, and involves one smart decision after another that fosters true intimacy.


Another part of the equation has to do with fear, IMO. Sometime a WS just can't admit what they've done. I'm not talking about admitting it to others either. I'm talking about admitting it to themselves. They make a choice, it feels good, they go with it, then when it comes time to recognize the hurt, they can't deal with it. It must be someone elses fault, so the crazy shit starts coming out of their mouths and they just dig their heels in deeper.

So, you shouldn't wait for the fog to clear. You should make the choice to let him be responsible for his own decisions. Unfortunately, he may never realize what he has done. He will likely think that he is taking the right path that will put him in a "happier" place in life. Really though, he is just going to keep running away from problems that will continue to follow him. He may never realize he has problems. He will likely think that everyone else has the problem.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6016 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

curiouswiz,

The article on limerence is something I think most people on SI view as an immature relationship. It is the beginning of a relationship when you don't pass gas in front of each other and when you think you look hot in front of the mirror. Limerence can be brought up along with the statistics of A's and second marriages. Yes, there is always that one story, maybe two, of the A that turns into a long-term M. But really, is the WS willing to take that chance? Are they going to be that one-in-a-million couple? Are they going to be the two cheaters who get together and have a successful long M? Throw in kids, child-support, may even alimony...yeah...how's that outlook for you?

I don't think there is anything wrong with using the info on limerence, but you have to back it up with a cold dose of reality. Do your homework. Make sure that anything you present to him is not able to be disputed by a "normal" person. Normal in this case would be someone who isn't involved in an A...After enough discussions/arguments like that, a WS is going to have a tough time defending their position.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6016 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
lastin12
♀ Member
Member # 34709
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I recently discovered my WH is a SA. That of only came to light after he answered an ad I placed on craigslist. I did this because I knew for years he was up to something and trolling on the internet. He always made me feel crazy.

After the discovery, I moved out and have been out for 5 weeks. He recently admitted to being a SA and just started recovery. He's also been in IC for a few months. I told him if he was even expecting R, I need disclosure. After a fight, I got it. 10-15 ONS and sex at several sex parties!! I want to vomit just thinking about it. I am beyond devastated and humiliated. Right after disclosure, he asked when I was moving home since he gave me what I want.. I told him no and I need time to process everything. I told him I was in shock. I still am in shock. A day later, he told me he needed my decision becasue he needs to know whether or not he is healing with me or alone. I told him I feel sick, like I wasn't even in my own body and in no position to make a decision. I asked him to stop pressuring me and he said he wasn't...

My question is how much time did you allow you BS to make a decision? I know this sounds backwards... he should give me all the time in the world. I'm stuck. I feel like if I don't act now and go back I could potentially been missing out on the new and improved WH. What the hell!! I feel sick, 95% of me wants to run and start a new life.. I just don't know what his hold on me is...


Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: New York
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lastin12,

Run as fast as you can! Your ENTIRE marriage has been a LIE.

You have one scary WH.
Any WH that is demanding that you make a decision after disclosing his serial infidelity is dangerous.

Seek IC for yourself and spend the next year learning how to build and maintain healthy boundaries.


I allowed my wife to take all the time she needed. Any repentent WH would do the same. Even if it meant a year or two.

[This message edited by Card at 8:14 PM, August 31st (Friday)]


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
scangel3
♀ Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, September 1st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to try an in house 180, he doesn't get it he thinks "we will be ok". and I have asked/recommended articles for him to read, even recommended this website for him to look at. But he won't do it. We did MC right after final dday, he engaged and did what they asked but once MC was over so was his efforts. He won't/can't do anything in his own has to be told/nagged about it. This is why I will be doing an in house 180, it may be my only way to get him to realize i'm serious about this and if he still just sits back not working on us or himself, I will already be working on myself, making myself happy without him.

He just doesn't get it!!! and it's driving me crazy!!!

And I just started school with atleast 4 years to go. I do have family that emotionally supports me, but they can't help financially. And as much as I know they would emotionally support me and do what ever they could to help me. But right now they think we should stay together and we will be just fine. So it's hard to turn to them and say no I don't think we will be just fine when I don't even know where this is all going.


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 706 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, September 1st (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

scangel3,

Please arm yourself with all the information necessary to pull off a successful 180.

Just reading some articles ISN'T enough.

You also need to know what to expect from your H and what to do when these thngs happen. "For every action, there is a reaction".

Divorce Busters does an actual worshop on this subject. you might want to look it up before entering into your 180. I'd like to see you start it out right.

Best wishes!



WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, September 2nd (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sunflower01,

There are threads here in the I Can Relate forum which are for LTA's and for Double-Betrayals. You might gain some additional perspective on those threads.

As for the no emotional connection/feelings for OW during the six-year A? I doubt it. There are WS who can have A's with no emotion, but they are usually ONS, prostitutes, and casual hook-up situations. There are a couple others I've read about where the A has been more than ONS and somehow the WS can not have any emotional investment. I don't know how that can happen...but then I had an EA with no PA, so I know my situation seems incredulous to others.

It is likely that since your WH doesn't like talking about the A and never has, he is just keeping this information to himself thinking he is "protecting" you from further hurt. Obviously we know that doesn't help anyone but themselves. His continued refusal to talk is just a way for him to not have to deal with his own issues. And yes, he is so afraid of his own issues that he is willing to sacrifice you and your M to keep from dealing with it.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6016 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
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