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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 6
threw it away
♀ Member
Member # 34727
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, June 29th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) Did you do things sexually with/for your AP, that you did NOT do with your S? If so, why?

Yes. And there were things I did with my husband which I never did with any of my APs. It was a matter of doing what would most excite whomever I was with.

2) Was your AP "in your league", physically? Were they more, less, or about the same, in terms of attractiveness, compared to your S?

Some of my APs were very conventionally attractive, and some were not. But the affairs weren't about that; it was a certain type of personality that I wanted.

I know from the pictures I've seen that my husband was a very attractive young man, but he aged early, so I think that most people would consider him "weathered." But he is beautiful to me, more attractive in my eyes than any of my APs were. He always was.


me: ww/34
him: 33, has initiated divorce
married 8 years, together for ten
kids 7 and 4

dday 1 - 12/17/2011
dday 2 - 1/26/2012 (my past multiple affairs revealed)


Posts: 112 | Registered: Feb 2012
StillWhy
♂ New Member
Member # 35850
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, June 30th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Former WS's,

How long did it take for you to move the relationship from friends to affair partner? I'm just curious, as it seems like my WW did not spend much time in the first step, before moving into the actual PA.

Thanks

Also, just because I am curious, if you are responding as a BS are you still with your WS? Actually I would like to know from both WS/BS if you are still together.


Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2012
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, June 30th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


How long did it take for you to move the relationship from friends to affair partner? I'm just curious, as it seems like my WW did not spend much time in the first step, before moving into the actual PA.

I started to become friends with the second OM in June. By August I was in an EA and by Sept a PA. This was not someone I saw more than once a week.

I think under the right circumstances, an A can start and develop very quickly.


Me-41 FWW Him-44BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"The only thing permanent is change." Dr Charles Mayo,1930

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
imagrownup
♀ Member
Member # 29587
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, July 1st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did any WS bring the AP purposely to meet their BS. If so why?


Me BW 48
HIM WS 48
D-DAY1 11/5/09
D-DAY 2 11/28/09
D-DAY 3 3/15/10 Claims just talking
D-DAY 4 5/?/10 Says he quit talking???

Posts: 184 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: midwest
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, July 1st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Answering with my WS hat on, if that's okay...

How long did it take for you to move the relationship from friends to affair partner? I'm just curious, as it seems like my WW did not spend much time in the first step, before moving into the actual PA.

Knew him for several months, was able to keep my distance until the very end when it became physical once.

I think under the right circumstances, an A can start and develop very quickly.

I completely agree.

Did any WS bring the AP purposely to meet their BS. If so why?

No. I don't think I could handle the internal tension in my head. And the opportunity never arose.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
hellonearth
♀ Member
Member # 11919
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, July 1st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, my fWH has discovered he has learned behaviours of selfishness, lying (mild - with exception of course to his A's!!!) and the biggest flaw is not "getting" empathy...as you can imagine, these have totally made true R with him challenging, to say the very least. If you are a fWS or WS, how did you work on these issues?? Can these learned behaviours really, truely be changed in a person?? Where to start, he always seems to go to auto pilot when I'm triggering, or when he's triggering. Add in there a whole shitload of shame that he's dealing with (per our MC)....augghh...frustrating to no end, and creates alot of hopelessness feelings in me. He'll always "get it", but usually it's after the fact or hours, sometimes days later after avoiding/withdrawing or getting defensive when I trigger. This is creating just more mistrust as it's inconsistent showing of true remorse, that being the key thing to help me heal. Help!!


BS-Me-39 FWH-Him-38
Together 23 yrs. 1 son 9 yrs old
Dday#1-Aug 06
TT until Nov 06
False R until Jan 08-too much anger/defensiveness, lack of consistent support from him
S- Jan 08-July 08
Aug 08-Fall 2011-rugsweeping
back in MC and IC trying

Posts: 503 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Canada
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, July 1st (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did any WS bring the AP purposely to meet their BS. If so why?

Yes and no. with OM 1 my BH knew him. I think in my head, if everyone just got along and was friends, that made it less horrible.

with OM2 I remember wanting my BH to meet him. before the PA started, I think I felt that if the worlds collided, I wouldn't proceed like the runaway train I was. I also remember thinking maybe they could be friends. crazy, I know. Finally, when shit the fan hit, I wanted them to meet so they would fight over me.
Nice, huh.


Me-41 FWW Him-44BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"The only thing permanent is change." Dr Charles Mayo,1930

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
imagrownup
♀ Member
Member # 29587
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, July 2nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mrs Panda and Nothingelsemattrs
Thank you for the responses, My Wh took me to a non work occasion that he could have easily not. It was something he did purposefully and watched her talk to me. She then proceeded to talk to me about how we met and how long my children were going to be around. In front of him she counted on her fingers how - much longer each of my kids needed to stay in our home. He actively participated in her ramblings and let her make fun of me in front of him. I feel when I look back that he was probably the meanest man in the world. He is desperately trying to work it out with me- he wants to so badly R. I just need to know why? Why would you ever go so far off the deep end to feel this was OK? Is it the fog? I didn't even know he was sleeping with her at the time. So the fog does not answer this. I am concerned he is a narcissist.


Me BW 48
HIM WS 48
D-DAY1 11/5/09
D-DAY 2 11/28/09
D-DAY 3 3/15/10 Claims just talking
D-DAY 4 5/?/10 Says he quit talking???

Posts: 184 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: midwest
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, July 2nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

imagrownup- I'm so sorry your WH and the OW did that. That sounds truly sadistic, and I can't imagine the amount of pain that caused/ is causing you.

Maybe talk to the folks on the NPD thread and ask them to weigh in on their thoughts about the narcissism... That seems to be a pretty active thread and I bet they'd know based on his behavior and the nature of his remorse if he is NPD or not.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
littlelambwith8
♀ New Member
Member # 29583
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, July 2nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lostperfection4
"Also, I needed to shift my prospective from protecting my BGF or doing what I "knew I should do" completely to healing for my own personal growth and development. So long as it was about pleasing my BGF, I think I was prone to failures. Now that it is about personal integrity, it feels stable and whole."

THIS is what I have been waiting for my WH to realize. Reading this was like a light bulb going off in my head - what I have been feeling and wanting him to do, FINALLY, put into words

He thinks it's all about healing me and not about himself because 'he'll never hurt me like that again." but without that deep look into himself there will be no new boundaries and behaviors put into place and the next temptation may play out a little differently but end result may be another A. When does this sink in to actually motivate a WS to seek help for self?


Posts: 36 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Michigan
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, July 2nd (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iamagrowmup- I don't know about your stitch so can't address the NPD concern. Read up on it ...

I can say, and maybe it's a copout, that I did and thought horrible things. I wanted my BH and OM to compete for me. The ultimate ego boost. I am definitely not NPD, but I sure made it all about me. the fog....yes, I believe. But one is still rational in the fog...it is just a way of justifying what we did.


Me-41 FWW Him-44BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"The only thing permanent is change." Dr Charles Mayo,1930

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
threw it away
♀ Member
Member # 34727
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, July 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did any WS bring the AP purposely to meet their BS. If so why?

I conspired to have my last AP call my BH on the telephone. I thought that if my husband could talk to him, he would see what a weak, fragile person my AP was and thus would not feel his masculinity threatened. It was a stupid, very desperate thing to do.

My husband actually ended up sympathizing with my AP. If the circumstances were not so bitter, I think I could laugh about it, some sort of strange karmic joke.


me: ww/34
him: 33, has initiated divorce
married 8 years, together for ten
kids 7 and 4

dday 1 - 12/17/2011
dday 2 - 1/26/2012 (my past multiple affairs revealed)


Posts: 112 | Registered: Feb 2012
copingdaily
♀ Member
Member # 34713
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, July 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BaxtersBFF,
My WH is now an open book, he gets frustrated sometimes with my where or who sometimes but As I learn to trust he needs to learn to deal. He never spoke of the affiar or AP, othr than he is ashamed and I never deserved all he did. He wasnt happy and went about it all wrong. He also believed her bullshit talk. Its over now and he wants us to work out our problems. He loves me. Geeeeez. Hard to swallow at times.


Treat others as you want to be treated

Posts: 292 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Texas
NothngElseMattrs
♀ Member
Member # 35917
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, July 3rd (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When does this sink in to actually motivate a WS to seek help for self?

littlelamb- I think once he accepts that the A was his fault and the result of something broken in him. It's easier to think that something is wrong with everyone else in the world and that you're normal and fine. I think this is part of what some WS's do to rationalize and justify our A's. Is your H in IC? I think a good IC would confront the WS and ask them the probing questions, have them do exercises so that they can change and start the difficult task of looking inward. I don't like looking inward, what I see is ugly. But for the sake of my own healing and for the sake of my M, I have to do it so that I can change my behavior and thought processes so that I never do this again. Even if Mr NEM decides he wants D, I can't let myself do this again. I cheated myself too by destroying my integrity, which was something that I once held dear. The only person responsible for my integrity is me.


"Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?"

Posts: 496 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: The wind before the storm
kourt090
♀ Member
Member # 34926
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, July 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband had a EA/PA with a co-worker . . . he says the PA happened only once and afterwards it was strictly via text message because he felt too guilty about the PA to do it again but could justify the texting/receiving pictures as being "not as bad."

Do any of you have similar stories? If your A included PA, did you ever feel too guilty to let it happen more than once?


Kourt090

Posts: 292 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Utah
much2old4this
♀ Member
Member # 35913
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, July 4th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

inappropriate reply.

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 1:39 PM, July 5th (Thursday)]


BS (me) 64
WH 75
Married 20 years Tog 23
OW 33!!!!! No, that's not a typo!
4 DDs between 12/19/09 & 9/20/2011
S 6/23/2012
Divorcing


Posts: 60 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: new jersey
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 1:40 PM, July 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

much2old4this...

This thread is not for BS's to vent/name call. It is strictly for BS's to respectfully ask questions to the WS's.



"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 191795 | Registered: May 2002
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, July 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

StillWhy,

From the first "friends" email to the EA was less than a week. But in my case, the MOW was an xHSGF, so there was a previous history, even if there was a 20-year hiatus in contact.

What I can tell you is that once the mind starts getting those biochemical reactions going on, all sorts of crazy stuff is going to happen and there isn't really any logic in it at all.

To your other question, BS's aren't allowed to respond by proxy in this thread. So, as a WH, yes, my BW and I are still together. The EA started in 2007 and was active for about 6 months, then fizzled over the next 9 months. Took me until Dec. 2009 to finally get my head out of my ass...


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6016 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, July 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hellonearth,

The shame part may be what is preventing your WH from changing the other things. What does he do with that shame? How is it brought up and dealt with in MC? Does he do IC?

It is hard to not go on auto-pilot during stressful times. Sometimes, the solution may be for him to just keep his mouth shut. Other times, it may be to respond directly. I remember my BW telling me what she needed to hear one time. She said it rather specifically. In the past, I would have danced around those words, but one time I remember repeating back to her what she said she needed to hear and looking at her directly when I was saying it. That is what she needed. As a WH, it was tough to realize that she wanted to hear those exact words which she had just said to me, but that's what it took. Really what that came down to is that I had to let go of my solution or my way of doing things and do things her way, or maybe it is better said, I had to do things in a way that made sense to her.

Have you looked into Imago therapy? It might be a way for your WH to learn to communicate with you. In the process of learning how to communicate with you, and you with him, he would also be learning new behaviors. He would be put into a new situation where he has a voice and a safe place. At the same time, he may come to realize that you need things from him in a very specific way, which is currently not a way he is able to give things to you because he thinks he has the answers already...auto-pilot (or back to his old routine).

I understand that you need him to do these things in order for you to heal, but at the same time, you need to realize if you don't already, that you are responsible for your own healing. Yes, I can see how his actions one way or the other would impact your healing, but you may need to put less emphasis on what he can provide for you. Once you gain some independence from him, you will feel different, and it is likely that he will see it too. It may light a fire under him.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6016 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, July 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wolf_heart,

In general, no, I don't delay in answering.

If your WH is super-busy all the time, I can see how it would be difficult for him to answer the tough questions, especially when it comes to many of the A questions. Sometimes it just seems there isn't an answer.

I have a problem with wanting and needing to find the right word. It makes me sound like I have this halting speech pattern sometimes. Nothing obnoxious IMO, but when it is in full effect, I get flustered and it gets worse. This happens a lot with my IC. He has said many times that sometimes I just need to stop doing that and let out my thoughts in a big messy pile of "blah" and not worry so much about how it sounds. It is really a control over perception thing. I want to be perceived as an articulate, knowledgeable person. That may be one of the reasons your WH wants things in writing.

The other part with your WH may be "getting in the zone" to be able to answer your questions. If he is super busy, then he may not be able to put himself in a position mentally or emotionally where he can compose answers to your questions which he feels have any meaning or substance. My "in the zone" time is generally early morning when it is quite and my coffee is still warm. Once the day starts, I have a much harder time being able to really delve deep for answers.

In your arrangement with your WH to put your questions in writing via email, did you request a deadline for getting a response from him? Maybe something like 24-hours? or if he is even busier, then maybe 48-hours or 72-hours?

In the bigger picture, it sounds like he isn't making you the priority yet. I struggle with this too, especially when my work gets busy. In addition to wanting to be perceived as articulate and knowledgeable, I also want to be perceived as a person who goes above and beyond what is expected. The problem with that is I get over-booked. Inevitably, it is my family who suffers. So it has been a real challenge to say no to work and to commit to time with the family.

If your WH has made request of you to make things easier on him, then I would think you have the right to make similar requests.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6016 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
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