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Newest Member: ThrownAwayTwice (43226)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 6
MrsConsistency
♀ Member
Member # 32065
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you think a BW should tell a WH about how much she has lost through the A when she is committed to R and he seems to be also?

I had a conversation with WH a few weeks after DDay when I discovered it wasn't only an EA but he had done my favorite sexual activity with her, the only way I can climax in fact. He stopped short of intercourse it turns out and I guess I'm grateful but the mind movie of our little ritual is pretty awful and I've read their detailed description of it to each other too.

At the time i was sure he was leaving me and I think he was sure too. I told him I did not think I could ever do that act again and without it I was basically unable to climax. He was distressed that he had ruined my life so completely and deeply and intimately. We had a lot of sex around that time (hb) and he was gratified I seemed to not suffer that.

But that was hb, a whole different ballgame. I find that now, in R, I really want the intimacy but I'm repulsed by thoughts of him with her and can't stop her being in my head. It's like I'm not feeling him touch me at all I'm watching her feeling him. Since Mom said if I was serious about R I'd better get over the sex issue I've just faked it so he doesn't know. I haven't climaxed for real since before R, many months now, but we have sex a few times a week.

I fear if he knew the whole truth he would be unable to R with me. He would see having harmed me like that as no way we could live. That's what he said that night early on.

I hope it passes and I can get over this but the more I fake it the harder it is to feel anything. I just lie there thinking of her and going through the motions. I feel so detached from him but he can't spot it.

What would you do if your BW told you that truth?


Me - BW
Him - WH
HER - Married OW who will never go away
DDay #1 2/15/11
DDay #2 5/10/11
WH on the fence until 7/1/11
Trying to stay together bearably
I will never be the same (and that's a bad thing)

Posts: 349 | Registered: May 2011
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question. When you saw your BS trigger, provided you were near them, did that also cause you to trigger ?

My W says that when I trigger it causes her to trigger. It brings on intense guilt bouts and this causes her to shut down causing her to be unable to comfort me.

We both agree she needs to do this if we are to make it. My triggers almost always go towards anger if not addressed. It is like I hurt and if I have a chance to think about why I hurt, it makes me very angry.

I am just looking for some things my W can do to stop the shame/guilt cycle. I understand she has to process this, but if I am able to stuff away my pain and anger and comfort her once and awhile She and I both feel it is only fair that she at least try. It is important to me that she support me through this.

Thanks in advance.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

numb&dumb,

My initial thought is that she is still fighting taking full responsibility for her choice.

You both agree on her needing to help you during trigger moments, but she trumps your feelings by saying that your trigger causes hers. Her shame and guilt is your fault.

I don't necessarily think she is doing this intentionally, but it is what's happening. Maybe you should let your trigger go that anger that you feel. It is probably frightening to her, but if that is what you are keeping inside, then that needs to be let out.

For her part, she needs to see it. She needs to accept it, not the anger really, but the emotion and the hurt. She needs to see that you can feel those things but that you are also committed to R and to her.

Not sure if that makes sense...it's just my initial thoughts.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6056 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

starlightsky -

the few times we do c each other in counseling he says he is still undecided & loves me, yet no call, txt, or visit to me & the kids..

Go by his actions, not his words. He's done with this marriage. Push him away.

You might want to post this in General so that you can get the advice of some very good BSes who can phrase this much better than I can.

What you are showing him by your actions is that you will always be there waiting for him. What he is showing you in actions that he is gone. You have nothing to lose by serving him divorce papers.

What do u WS think when it comes to a fencesitting WS. Is it bc they r still in the A?

It doesn't matter why. Maybe he's still in the A. Maybe it's a new A. Maybe he's ashamed. Maybe he's angry. Maybe he's happy to be alone.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

numb&dumb -

My W says that when I trigger it causes her to trigger. It brings on intense guilt bouts and this causes her to shut down causing her to be unable to comfort me.

Has she ever comforted you before when you triggered?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
9years
♀ Member
Member # 21212
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did you address what you had done? If your BS came up with a list for you to prove how remorseful you were (such as std testing, selling a vehicle, and counselling), did you do it without hesitation? Or did you wait it out and hope for it to all go away?


Dday october 9 2008 (ONS)
3 kids (12,9,6)
Dday Oct 10/08, Officially started R July/09, Started drinking again July/10, Separation Nov/11, Last shot June/12, Officially, mutually done jan/13.

Posts: 1865 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: BC, Canada
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

9years -

If your BS came up with a list for you to prove how remorseful you were (such as std testing, selling a vehicle, and counselling), did you do it without hesitation?

Is that what you did? You came up with a list for your WS?

Tell him to come up with a list of what he feels he needs to do and follow through with that.

If you make the list, you put yourself in the parent / jailkeeper role. You don't want to be that.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
wantmyfamilyback
♀ Member
Member # 33676
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For all FWS in R, did your BS spouse every make sarcastic or snarky comments about the A or OW. I am entering an angry/bitter stage and sometimes I just can't help myself. Instead of crying or yelling, I just talk shit.

For instance, yesterday my sister mentioned my FWH needed a haircut. Funny enough the OW had given him a haircut a few weeks prior. So, we both just starting joking about what a shitty hairdresser she was. There have been other instances like this.

If your spouse did that, how did it make you feel? Was it too negative to deal with? Did you find yourself feeling bad for OW?


Me= BS 28
WH= 30
2 OWs
D-Day 1= 7/?/10
D-Day 2= 9/23/11
D-Day 3= 10/16/11
M= almost 9 years
K= DD 2 & DS 6 months
Status= changes almost daily.

Posts: 256 | Registered: Oct 2011
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UnexpectecSong- The simple answer is No. She has tried. Thus far I have been the one to comfort her and encourage her. I see she wants to, but is still burdened with the knowledge of what this has done to me. Her MO is to shut down when things get too intense. This makes communication very difficult.

Our relationship dynamic has been KISA and maiden in distress. We both realize this has to change if we want a healthier M. Comforting or encouraging me are things she has rarely been able to do in our entire relationship. I was always the strong one, she didn't need to be. Early on in my life I learned to be very self reliant. Almost to a fault. So to be fair I probably wouldn't have accepted comforting even if it was offered. I was always loving and attentive, but showing I was weak is just something that was not in my nature.

I am just not sure how she can start to break this established pattern. This time, it is not something I can do for her.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
9years
♀ Member
Member # 21212
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is that what you did? You came up with a list for your WS?

Tell him to come up with a list of what he feels he needs to do and follow through with that.

If you make the list, you put yourself in the parent / jailkeeper role. You don't want to be that.

Yes that is what I did, but only because he asked me to tell him what to do. However he did none of what I asked anyway, aside from sell the car and it took months. He has already done what he felt he needed to do. Nothing. I guess we went about it all wrong, but I asked him for what I needed, he couldn't/wouldn't deliver.


Dday october 9 2008 (ONS)
3 kids (12,9,6)
Dday Oct 10/08, Officially started R July/09, Started drinking again July/10, Separation Nov/11, Last shot June/12, Officially, mutually done jan/13.

Posts: 1865 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: BC, Canada
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

N&D -

So to be fair I probably wouldn't have accepted comforting even if it was offered.

That was actually my real question. This is a tough one. My philosophy is that nothing works (or happens) in isolation. Something cannot work if it is only for one thing.

What if you came home after a horrible day at work? Would you accept some kind of comfort there?

I'm just wondering if she can start practicing comforting you in something safe.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

9 -

I guess we went about it all wrong, but I asked him for what I needed, he couldn't/wouldn't deliver

Nothing is really ever wrong. My therapist always asks: "does that work for you?" It showed you an example of the dynamics between you two.

Regardless... you cannot control him into remorse. Is that a dealbreaker for you?

[This message edited by UnexpectedSong at 10:31 AM, November 1st (Tuesday)]


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

want -

For all FWS in R, did your BS spouse every make sarcastic or snarky comments about the A or OW.

If your spouse did that, how did it make you feel?

About the OM, I think it's funny. I have no problem with it. About the A... I wouldn't think it was funny, but I still have no problem with it.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unexpected- Now I have no problem with accepting comfort in any capacity. ( I see that I was wrong not to accept it, IC & SI helped there) With anything that isn't intense it does not seem to be any problem (e.g- coming home from a bad day, kids being hard to handle, worries about job, etc).

Anything heavier seems to get a shut down or flight response from her.

At some point I will have accept she can't comfort me because of my own rationale will attach it to:

1. She doesn't care enough.
2. Isn't sorry.
3. Isn't the person I though she was
4. She wants a D, but isn't brave enough to ask.

She swears up and down to the point of tears that none of those are true. I don't know, this might be something she needs to address in IC. I don't think anything else seems to work.

I hope something will. If she doesn't address this sooner rather than later, it will be the end of my M.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
9years
♀ Member
Member # 21212
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing is really ever wrong. My therapist always asks: "does that work for you?" It showed you an example of the dynamics between you two.

Regardless... you cannot control him into remorse. Is that a dealbreaker for you?

I don't even know how to respond to this, as a BS you quite often feel the need for the WS to do something, like be honest for one. I don't think I should be labelled as controlling because I actually expect a person to follow through on their word. With that said, sometimes what is asked of them, can be too much. However, when the WS asks what will help, they need to speak up if there are things asked of them that they cannot do, there was a wide open window when I asked him, if what i asked for was fair. To answer your question, yes it is a dealbreaker. I was simply asking out of curiousity for other WS timelines.


Dday october 9 2008 (ONS)
3 kids (12,9,6)
Dday Oct 10/08, Officially started R July/09, Started drinking again July/10, Separation Nov/11, Last shot June/12, Officially, mutually done jan/13.

Posts: 1865 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: BC, Canada
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think I should be labelled as controlling because I actually expect a person to follow through on their word.

I wasn't labeling you as "controlling" at all. Of course he should follow through on his word. Of course he should do what you need for reconciliation. But if he doesn't, what can you do? What he does is out of your control. You can choose to live with it or not. That is all I meant.

However, when the WS asks what will help, they need to speak up if there are things asked of them that they cannot do, there was a wide open window when I asked him, if what i asked for was fair.

Absolutely.

I don't think what you asked for was too much.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BS didn't have to ask me for a list of things that I would do. I wrote them down and gave it to him - basically made some boundaries rules for myself and said I would abide by them and the same rules didn't apply to him. For instance,I got rid of all male facebook friends, I don't go to any party by myself. I only go to work parties if there are only women there unless he accompanies me. He is invited to any social get together I am, no questions asked. Things like that. I also asked him NEVER to get me another gift again. This one brings tears to my eyes but.... he is giving me the gift of reconciliation every single day.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”


Posts: 3672 | Registered: Dec 2010
wantmyfamilyback
♀ Member
Member # 33676
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, November 1st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Song- thanks for answering my question. My FWH laughs when I make fun of OW and I can't help but think, "Well you're the dumbass that slept with her and thought about leaving me for her." WTF!


Me= BS 28
WH= 30
2 OWs
D-Day 1= 7/?/10
D-Day 2= 9/23/11
D-Day 3= 10/16/11
M= almost 9 years
K= DD 2 & DS 6 months
Status= changes almost daily.

Posts: 256 | Registered: Oct 2011
Betrayed333
♀ Member
Member # 33660
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, November 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just had a few questions as to some things that are going no now...it is 3 weeks Dday.

My WS seems to be not brining in up anymore. Not apologizing, not asking if I need to talk...it seems like he doesn't care anymore. Why is he doing this when he says he does care??
He says he will talk to his father, as he is trying to get him to still continue to betray me, but still has not done so. Why?? Does he feel what he did is ok? Does he feel that he would rather be hurting me than making his father angry?
When he says he loves me, wants to R, and would never do it again, how do I get to believing him again?? I always did to begin with. The A happened 4 or 5 times over the course of a week with the same woman. He travels and she worked at the hotel.


Posts: 82 | Registered: Oct 2011
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, November 2nd (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayed333 -

Not apologizing, not asking if I need to talk...it seems like he doesn't care anymore. Why is he doing this when he says he does care??

How is he if you bring it up?

Has he brought up relationship topics in the past?

He says he will talk to his father, as he is trying to get him to still continue to betray me, but still has not done so.

I don't understand this sentence. Your husband's father is trying to get your husband to be in an affair???

When he says he loves me, wants to R, and would never do it again, how do I get to believing him again??

It takes time. With every little and big thing that he does that he is where he says, does what he says, goes where he says, slowly, over time, you will start to believe him. Actions, not words.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
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