Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: borderline85 (43161)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 6
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you all for th replies about happiness with your spouse during the affair. it has helped me temendously.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 1 baby
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bitchboots

Posts: 907 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
misled1001
♀ Member
Member # 30736
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do/Did any WS's still claim that their "love" for AP was LOVE even after years had passed? My WS says that it was love, real love still, even though that now he DOESN'T love her like that. But he still thinks of her as a good person and he will always love her. I just can't seem to process this. And I am apprehensive to talk to him. Part of me is afraid of the conversation itself. The other part of me is afraid that he is never going to give me what I need- indifference to the AP. Did you ever realize it wasn't true love? How did you come to that conclusion? Who helped you? IC? MC? On your own? Discussions with your spouse? I am so ... lost.



Posts: 592 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Michigan
WishingForLethe
♀ Member
Member # 34805
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Get-a-brain- trust. I have no illusions that what I am asking my BH to do is "fair". Nothing about what I have done is fair. I know that. If I ever have the hope of R all I can do is live my life as an open book. I will never hide anything from my BH again. How do I know? I have learned so much about myself, I have done more introspection, I understand where the cycles of my FOO and sadness can lead. But it is the pain I would never wAnt to repeat. I would do anything rather than see the pain in my BHs eyes again. If you doubt that look at it this way. This is the hardest most painful thing I have ever experienced. There is no benefit in staying other than being with my BH. If I decided I wanted to be with someone else I would end the M and move on. I would never put either of us through this again. I don't think my BS fear I will cheat again, but he has not decided whether this is a deal breaker.

I don't think any freedom, especially in a marriage, should come at someone else's expenses. The freedom thing sounds like blame shifting. YOU didn't give him freedom so he HAD to have an affair???? Um...no

Do I hate the OM. Sometimes. But then I feel like I am blaming him when I should be taking responsibility. We were "friends" online and talked a lot. He worked in mental health, therapy. With my depression and neediness I had a big target on my hear. I feel he knew exactly what he was doing from "oh you seem sad" on. I also think he knew the consequences having seen so many of the kids he worked with from broken homes. I thought he cared about be and was a great person. Actually he was willing to say or do anything to get laid. When I don't hate him I feel he is pathetic. He lied and manipulated to get a break from his miserable life. When I think of him I feel sick- he is a symbol of all the harm I did to my family. Don't get me wrong, no matter how I despise him I did the damage. He had no reason to be loyal to my BH. I think he is a bad person, someone without honor.

I hope that helps.


Don't look at how far you have to go, but how far you have come

Posts: 350 | Registered: Feb 2012
Bellechica
♀ Member
Member # 35159
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Misled, I had thoughts that I loved OM, but I try to focus on logic. It wasn't love at all. It was a rush of emotion and biologically a lot of brain chemistry making me think it was love. We have ended the A and when I feel I need a "fix" I remind myself of the chemistry of what the A did. I'm not stupid! I just made some very, very stupid choices.
I have been with my H almost 20 years, thru a lot of tough times. We have supported each other. That is love.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Mar 2012
misled1001
♀ Member
Member # 30736
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, May 1st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Bella... This has been just tearing me apart. I need him to get to a place where he can realize that. I know there are different kinds of love. I know I want to hear that it was just the rush, the chemicals. But we are 2 years out, well... 1 year or so since TT stopped and he's been truthful in our talks since... but this truth of his..on this subject kills a bit of me each day. Do you - or any one else who is reading this- still think fondly of the AP? And how long have you been out of the A? How long did it take you to get to that point?



Posts: 592 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Michigan
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Misled, my AP was an ex-boyfriend. Because of that, during my A, yes, I felt that I loved him---because I was still seeing him as the man I used to date---not as the man I was currently having an A with. Does that make sense? And to justify our cheating, I spun this giant fairy tale in my mind of "lost love regained" and "we must be soulmates if we are coming back to each other" and other similar puke-worthy nonsense.

Do you - or any one else who is reading this- still think fondly of the AP?

Not anymore.

And how long have you been out of the A?

2 years

How long did it take you to get to that point?

Most of it dissipated on D-day. I'd say all fond feelings were completely gone by 4 months after D-day. By that point I reached indifference. Now, if I see him in passing, that's all there is.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1912 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Nightfall
♀ Member
Member # 34954
Default  Posted: 1:50 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H told so many lies about me to friends and of course to the OW. But one thing I worry about is that he truly believed some of them.

So my question: if you lied and badmouthed your BS, did you mean it? Did you really think that at the time or were you just making them look bad to justify your A?


me-BS 28
him-fWS 38
Together: 8 years Married: 4 years
D Day 1: June 2007 First A
D Day 2: July 2011 LTA of 2 years
In R and it seems to be working

Posts: 80 | Registered: Feb 2012
Bellechica
♀ Member
Member # 35159
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm only newly out of my A, but my emotions about my OM fluctuate from disgust, pity, and unfortunately at times longing.
Disgust that he hit on me when I was in such a vulnerable state and disgust that we ruined a ten year friendship.
Pity for him that as a single man he is so messed up that he would be in an A with another man's W.
And the longing for the needs he fulfilled. I'm in IC and still self-discovering what those needs might be.
I do know that if my M has any chance of becoming what it once was that I have got to stop having any thoughts about the OM. I really want to feel nothing for him.....as if he doesn't even exist.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Mar 2012
Bellechica
♀ Member
Member # 35159
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as bad mouthing my H, hmmm I never made up lies about him. The OM and I didn't talk about my H very much. The OM did have me convinced that I must be very unhappy to have entered into an A. The odd thing is that I began to believe that and I became more and more unhappy with my M and H. I never lied about my H though.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Mar 2012
Lost333
♀ Member
Member # 35182
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nightfall-

I did badmouth my BH during the A-but I didn't mean it. At the time I thought I did-but it was my way of justifying the A and making the awful things I was doing okay. However, the things I said really hurt my BH and now I have to reassure him of how I really feel. But the things I was saying during the A were really lies. He is a wonderful man.


Me:29,WS/BS Him:27, BS/WS (DontTreadOnMe) His Dday 2/19/12. My Dday 9/29/12
Married: 2 yrs, together 4 1/2

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom" Anais Nin


Posts: 689 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Midwest
Nightfall
♀ Member
Member # 34954
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your replies Bellechica and Lost333 I really appreciate it.

My H tries to reassure me too but he spent 2 years saying horrible things about me, it feels like a long time to keep up a lie.


me-BS 28
him-fWS 38
Together: 8 years Married: 4 years
D Day 1: June 2007 First A
D Day 2: July 2011 LTA of 2 years
In R and it seems to be working

Posts: 80 | Registered: Feb 2012
humbleintn
♂ New Member
Member # 35346
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I put myself in this position so I don't feel i'm being smothered or mothered. I truely want my marriage to work so I will gladly do anything to rebuild trust and respect someday. I don't mind calling periodically from work, I don't mind BW (travelmom) to check up on me at work. I gave her access to my cell phone. I keep receipts of the money I spend, when I remember to get one. i keep the phone handy and will answer her call when it comes in. I don't consider my BW mothering me. I caused it...I have manned up and gave her full access to me and my where abouts. Not an inconvienence....a neccessity for building trust.


BW: her (travelmom), age 39
WH: me, age 48
Dday: Jan. 9, 2012
Married, trying to reconcile?
3 kids (17, 18, 24)
2 yr LTA

Posts: 7 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: TN
BaldwinBeauty59
♀ Member
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, May 3rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have some questions for FWS's...My husband would make me leave our home for a week or two at the time about every 3 weeks for months on the pretense that he was concerned about our grandchild and I needed to spend time with her as she was having a hard time adjusting to our moving out of state.

However, it was so that he could bring the OW into our home and bed. He said that he didn't want to pay for a hotel. Does that make sense? Is that logical?

He doesn't see any difference as to where he had sex with her. He said the place doesn't matter that I shouldn't be upset more because he brought her into our home.

Why can't he understand that it does matter to me or am I wrong? She parked in my spot in the garage, climbed into my bed in my home and effed my husband night after night.

What kind of person is willing to climb into another woman's marriage bed and eff her husband? I know she doesn't have any morals but still...

Would someone please give me their opinions?


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, May 3rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baldwin-
Sounds like your H is trying to convince himself. True, the place where the A occured has little to do with if hes going to have an A or not. If they're going to do it they're going to do it.

Now here's my "however". It seems to me there's a couple of things going on here about his decision to have an A in the home:
~Part of the "fantasy" of playing house with another "woman".
~His contempt or hatred for you knowing the sacrecy of the home and martial bed and what they symbolize. Not saying he currently feels that way.
~So he can still be in the A mentally while she's not there, ex: walking into a room and remembering a kiss, the excitement he felt of her pulling up into the garage everytime he went out there...not saying that's what he's still doing.

Your H is minimizing and deflecting his actions and this needs to be addressed ASAP. Its the equivalent of Charles Manson saying he's innocent of murdering Sharon Tate because he wasn't physically there, IMHO.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 10:52 AM, May 3rd (Thursday)]


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
BaldwinBeauty59
♀ Member
Member # 35507
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, May 3rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your opinion stilllovinghim. It sure hurt to read your words. I have asked him if he hated me but he said no.

I think he did to some extent or else he wouldn't have done it.

You have given me a lot to think about. I never thought about him remembering her in our home or reliving their special moments here. I have been hurting too much by me thinking about her in our home to consider that he may also be doing it too.

We will have a discussion about this when he gets home tonight. I never really believed it was about the money. Thank you again!


Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R

Posts: 978 | Registered: May 2012
clearlywrong
♂ New Member
Member # 35243
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, May 3rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said the place doesn't matter that I shouldn't be upset more because he brought her into our home.

He doesn't get to tell you how you should feel. He's entitled to his own feelings but he has to accept that you are gonna feel how you feel. I'm sure he's trying to come to terms with why he had sex with another woman and this adds another layer of why on top. He might not yet be able to accept that he did such a terrible thing and so is minimizing it.


Posts: 4 | Registered: Apr 2012
imagrownup
♀ Member
Member # 29587
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, May 3rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH obviously lied to me for months. I guess my question is- Do you feel you lied more to your BS or to your AP. He was telling me she was a filthy whore - who threw herself on him he could never be with her -Told me he loved me- cried and begged for me to let him stay. Would leave the house and call her and say- he had to stay for the kids. hat he will never be happy - his wife was a bit@@ That he was in love with her.

So just a question to WS = Who did you lie more to?

I am not trying to make any one mad= I just am trying to figure out why? What purpose was all that for? What would anyone say all that bad stuff about anyone he says he cares for? Either one of us for that matter

I guess I just need to know


Me BW 48
HIM WS 48
D-DAY1 11/5/09
D-DAY 2 11/28/09
D-DAY 3 3/15/10 Claims just talking
D-DAY 4 5/?/10 Says he quit talking???

Posts: 184 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: midwest
Somedaydig
♂ New Member
Member # 35431
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, May 3rd (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bellechica, does your husband know about your 2 affairs? For me being a BS, I'd like to know why hold back? I mean, why if and when things come out is there trickle truth and trying to "spare" our feelings. It seems that this is only a defense mechanism and blatantly so, in my opinion.
When can we, as a BS begin to believe?

[This message edited by Somedaydig at 6:14 PM, May 3rd (Thursday)]


"Sometimes there just aren't enough rocks." Forrest Gump

Posts: 14 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: East of the Pacific, West of the Atlantic
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, May 4th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So just a question to WS = Who did you lie more to?
hmmm - that's a good question. I'd have to say I lied to BH much more than xOM. I lied to xOM about how I felt about him and all that mushy crap, but I didn't make BH out to be this huge asshole who was abusive. Of course, that's nothing compared to the lies I told BH. Those lies were much more calculated, deliberate, and damaging...


FWW - 40
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent...

Posts: 5520 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
lolly45
♀ Member
Member # 34739
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, May 4th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If a WW feels that her connection to OP was unlike anything she has ever had before and thinks that OP is a special situation, do you other WS's know if she would ever truly defog?
She gets 'feelings go away'... but now she is saying there is nothing wrong with our marriage it is all about the OP and she never looked for it, but Op was there and she could not help the draw, it is truly unique and she says she will never do it again because there is only one OP.!!? We are in MC and that's how the conversation started, I asked about one marital issue and she was like, we really have a great marriage, it wasn't the marriage, it was me and my draw to OP.

Do you think she will move on past this? Have you ever thought like this and if so, please tell me it passes...

p.s. she is living back at home and has ended the A about 8 weeks ago..so the idea is to R.


Separated, same-sex marriage of 4.5 years.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Feb 2012
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.