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User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 6
RedTulip
♀ New Member
Member # 34361
Default  Posted: 2:43 AM, January 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH started seeing a councilor just after d-day and claims that the guy told him to leave me for OW. He also said the coucilor suggested I never really loved WS, just his money and the lifestyle it provided.

He has either the single worst coucilor in the world, or he's not being truthful. Hm, guess which one I think it is....

As an active WS in counciling, do you only say what reflects favourably on you and hear the things you want to hear?

[This message edited by RedTulip at 2:45 AM, January 6th (Friday)]


Posts: 7 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: UK
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, January 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH started seeing a councilor just after d-day and claims that the guy told him to leave me for OW. He also said the coucilor suggested I never really loved WS, just his money and the lifestyle it provided.
He has either the single worst coucilor in the world, or he's not being truthful. Hm, guess which one I think it is....

As an active WS in counciling, do you only say what reflects favourably on you and hear the things you want to hear?


RedTulip,

I'm amazed at the amount of BS's that want their wayward spouses to do IC. My wife said I must stop IC or there will be no reconciliation.

Why?

Because she became acutely aware that waywards and (?f)WS's are known liars. She realized we withhold very important information, spew exaggerated stories, and weave just enough truths in and out of our stories to make them believable to friends, family and especially our bosses and counselors. We are con artists!

The other reason is, she knows that many counselors were, at best, C average students that operate practices that are pitiful.
When you think about it, It's rather scary who we trust our mental health with. We tend to make these decisions based on who our insurance will pay for rather than upon who is the best. We accept a Walmart discount that our insurance covers, thinking we've found a Rolex.

My wife chose a counselor that would see each of us for about 20 minutes individually and then bring us together for 20 minutes to discuss what we need to do to improve our marital recovery and went over the assignments we needed to complete before the next weeks session. This counselor spent about 60-75 minutes with us each session and stayed focused on our marriage. Today, I know this was the only path that could keep me honest and the only path that could have been successful. My wife is so smart.


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
RedTulip
♀ New Member
Member # 34361
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, January 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your wife is a smart lady.

Unfortunately, there were only 2 English speaking councilors in the area where we lived at the time. I since moved back to our marital home, my WH is still there and still seeing this guy I believe.

I had hoped this councilor would be smart enough to realise that he's only getting a one-sided version of everything since I do not get to have my say.

For all I know though, my WH went to see him a few times, decided he had 'tried' to work on his marriage and unfortunately it didn't work.
Spinning that line will at least get family off his back.

[This message edited by RedTulip at 12:11 PM, January 6th (Friday)]


Posts: 7 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: UK
UnexpectedSong
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Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, January 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Red Tulip -

As an active WS in counciling, do you only say what reflects favourably on you and hear the things you want to hear?

It really depends on the person. Counseling is like anything else - you get what you put into it (assuming the therapist is competent). I had a fantastic therapist - warm, empathetic, but straightforward and incisive. I gave the therapist as much information as I could and I trusted him to find the patterns for me.

It all depends.

How does your H act in other ways? If he is remorseful, transparent, trying to help you, and this IC thing is the only strangeness, then the IC is probably incompetent. If your H is not behaving in a way that makes you feel safe, then he is probably lying to and about the therapist.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, January 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RS2731 -

So, anybody have any insights? Is it better to have ALL the details? Did your BS' benefit from knowing more or less?

This question is probably better posed to the BSes in the General forum. A WS needs to give the BS as much information as asked and maybe more. A WS should not be deciding how much information benefits the BS.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
RedTulip
♀ New Member
Member # 34361
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, January 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UnexpectedSong
How does your H act in other ways? If he is remorseful, transparent, trying to help you, and this IC thing is the only strangeness, then the IC is probably incompetent. If your H is not behaving in a way that makes you feel safe, then he is probably lying to and about the therapist.

I have not seen or spoken to him for over two months, as I am in NC.
Prior to that, he was anything but remorseful, he lied through his teeth and started re-writing our marital history too by way of 'justification' I guess.

He had decided that he was embarking on a new life with his AP, and I'm excess baggage, made me feel like he could not wait to get rid of me.

I have a feeling that he isn't honest with/about this councilor either, if he's doing the whole re-writing of history and justification scenario to me and our family, he'll probably do the same thing with him, but I have no way of knowing.

Any thoughts?

[This message edited by RedTulip at 11:52 AM, January 6th (Friday)]


Posts: 7 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: UK
Dallas2
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Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, January 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH finally went to IC. He went just once. He never talked to me about what was said and the IC said she wouldn't beg anybody to come.

Apparently he feels cheating, lying, keeping secrets, treating your spouse like dirt under your fingernails is acceptable behavior and therefore doesn't need IC or MC.

IC will not do any good for anyone who isn't open and honest so my H isn't going anymore.


Me

Posts: 791 | Registered: Apr 2010
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, January 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RedTulip -

he was anything but remorseful, he lied through his teeth and started re-writing our marital history too by way of 'justification' I guess.

He had decided that he was embarking on a new life with his AP, and I'm excess baggage, made me feel like he could not wait to get rid of me.

I have a feeling that he isn't honest with/about this councilor either, if he's doing the whole re-writing of history and justification scenario to me and our family, he'll probably do the same thing with him, but I have no way of knowing.

Any thoughts?

I don't understand your question. If he was never remorseful, rewrote your marriage, and has left, why is he even in therapy? Are you hoping that he would tell the truth to the therapist, come to his senses, and return to you?

What are you really asking?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
WalkinOnEggshelz
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Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, January 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RedTulip,

As an active WS in counciling, do you only say what reflects favourably on you and hear the things you want to hear?

Personally, my simple answer to this is yes. Let me give you some background to understand it.

Several months into my LTA, I had confided to a co-worker about it. She recommended that I speak with a counselor. I decided to go, but I will tell you that i wasn't emotionally ready to. I have always considered myself a "good person". The only reason I could be doing something so wrong, so against my own values is if I thought I had reason. The very idea of looking inside of myself and taking responsibility was extremely foreign. When I went to the counselor I told her a very skewed story and did quite a bit of rewriting myself. I demonized my BH and glorified the MOM. The counselor had asked me questions which were answered but not with complete honesty. By the time I had left her office I was completely convinced that she had told me that it was apparent I no longer loved my husband and I should start to work on a future with the MOM. Like you, BH struggled with this and I just stuck to my guns, believing that this was the truth. In fact, I was so convinced that made an appointment with her to get my record so I could prove my point to BH. I sat in her office for an hour trying to get her to repeat what I knew she had told me but to no avail. I skimmed through my record but at that time nothing out of the ordinary jumped out at me. When I got home, the first thing that BH sees on the very first page was that she had suggested marriage counseling first and foremost.

So now this whole theory of recommending that I leave my husband was shot. I will tell you though, I was absolutely convinced that what I thought was true. Even my BH will tell you that I was genuinely surprised by the information. I can tell you now, after much work on myself (with the help of my BH and other counselors) that I realize I was taking what I wanted and leaving the rest. I wanted so badly to be told that I wasn't a horrible person or that I was in the wrong that that I just grabbed onto the bits and pieces that fit to continue justifying what I was doing. But I am also the queen of hearing things the way i want to (just ask my BH, lol)!

I think it's impossible to judge the counselor's true merit until your BH is being completely honest with himself. Not sure what your situation is, but I hope this helps some.


Me: WS 41
Him: BH 42 (holdingtogether)
M: 17 years, together 21
2 Daughters: 12 and 9
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 493 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
gromit2011
♀ Member
Member # 33650
Default  Posted: 3:52 AM, January 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted on the previous page about my WH shutting down his feelings towards me in order to cope with what he'd done and how he says he doesn't love me anymore.

Card suggested he may still be in contact with OW.

I went to see my IC yesterday and went over the conversations I'd had recently with WH. She pointed out to me that WH never starts the convo with 'I don't love you anymore', he only says it when he's backed into a corner and wants the line of questioning to stop. She said she thought it was similar to him also saying, 'I can't remember' or 'I've blocked it out' in response to questions. She says it stops me dead and he's 'escaped' the convo.

She believes his behavior is down to these walls of defense he's pit up to protect himself.

Any thoughts or any other WS that have experienced similar?


Together 4 years
Married June 2011
DDay 8 October 2011
6 week PA
WH claims his 'affair' was nothing to do
with being unhappy in our relationship, it
was just the thrill of trying to lead a double life. Oh, but this means he doesn't

Posts: 124 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: UK
dlovesk
♀ Member
Member # 33260
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, January 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much to all the WS who provide words of wisdom and perspective from a different point of view.

I have a question about my situation been with WF for five years was due to get married last year. D day was day before wedding. 5-6 week 'friendship' culminating in a one time physical. I know this is true spoke w other woman. I called wedding off the morning of. Kicked WF out and told him it was over. Thought that was the end of it as always so black and white (so I thought!) about infidelity. We have house and dogs together no kids. This is where it gets tricky...

My WF has done everything to shoe he fucked up and got cold feet. He went to a friend to talk instead of me and it got out of hand. Everyone was shocked and blindsided as he was everything and more...never thought he was capable. He says poor self esteem and boundaries, not wanting to freak me out about fears got him into this and he thought I was too good for him - he calls it self fulfilling prophecy...and also said he was an idiot and selfish...he begged me to get married, crying, pleading etc I was adamant it was over.

In the aftermath he got IC immediately himself and even tried to say he needed to talk to someone prior to d day and i brushed it off and forgot about it as I was so focus on wedding. No excuse but i wish I had of listened properly as I thought he was joking or something because i always viewed him as so strong and in control.

He hit rock bottom and was living out of garbage bags in his mates spare room ( we have beautiful house we built together). He started reading everything. Off his own back he did the love dare after stumbling across the movie in his research and then bought the book. He has read healing library and carries copies of pertinent info and even wrote things out to carry in his wallet. NC immediately (ow was a nutjob and can't believe he was even friends when it all came out it was just unbelievable he would do something like it) Etc etc eight months into it he is still remorseful and does everything I need. I have decided he is worth a second chance and I am trying to be happy with this decision and have been going to IC and RC. My stumbling block is judgements on myself for giving him another chance...I have posted in SI and the consensus is if you arent married to Run...but WF has been remorseful and fought for me...and I love him so much it hurts and was devasted... I guess I dont want reassurance or someone telling me that I'm doing the right thing. I am asking for your perspective as a WS if there is hope... My WF knew he was/is broken and knows his why (too much to explain here...) I am just struggling with not having the marriage part on paper which appears to be sometimes a more valid situation to reconcile (I may also be filtering and judging myself). I know I am early in of only 8 months but would appreciate words of wisdom. WF has taken full responsibilty never blamed me or the relationship and has already put in place strategies to continue working on himself in the new year. Sorry this is alot of info and it may have missed things on iPhone happy to clarify anything.


Me - BF
Him - WF - continues to be consistently remorseful

Together nearly 6 years now
D Day May 2011
In R - hiccups and speed bumps along the way!


Posts: 162 | Registered: Sep 2011
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, January 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gromit,

I have a feeling that whenever I said those words to my BW, I was either still in contact with OW, or at least holding onto those memories of the EA and of the MOW, so Card may be right. However, it is a very interesting observation by you IC. It makes sense that if he isn't willing to deal with his fears, because that is what a lot of A's are about, the fear of the WS self, then he is going to resort to something that will keep himself safe, and in this case, all that is is stopping the questions. This is what he has always done. Stop the questions, and he doesn't have to deal with his inner demons.

Someone else asked recently about whether IC was helpful to the WS if they are still in the A. I wanted to respond, but ran out of time for an adequate response. My answer is that yes, it was helpful, but only to a point. While in a way, I misused IC during my EA, and prior to committing to R, it is also what kept me in the M. I just don't think that particular IC was up to the task I was dealing with. But she did get me thinking and allowed me to keep being honest with myself, even if I kept avoiding the real issues, I knew they were there, I knew I had to deal with them, but I knew I could wallow in my memories a bit longer and not face those fears.

So, your WH may not be in actual contact with his OW, but she may be pervading too many of his thoughts, and he may not have been able to find the strength to face his fears yet.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6047 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, January 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dlovesk,

There are some situations where running is probably the best thing. Like you, my BW thought in black and white when it came to infidelity. Funny how that changes when it actually happens.

From the way you describe things in this post, it sounds like your WF has really been surprised by his own actions, and he is doing the things he needs to do to fix himself and to give you what you need to help heal yourself and let you feel safe. You mention a couple of his "why's" earlier in the post, and then later say that there is too much to post here about his "why's". I guess I would be curious if his search for his "why's" have led him deep enough into his self to be adequate. It seems like 8-months may not be enough time to get there, but at the same time, a WF doing this much work early on is unique.

Just to put it out there, and I'm not your WF, but I worked for two years just to get ready to deal with finding the root of my "why's". I was a strong guy, sure of myself in many areas, and would never have been suspected of cheating. I put on a good show. I could just be jealous of your WF in finding his "why's" so quickly...

What it will come down to is what you want. What is your gut saying?

What would happen if you got back together, but put off the M for say two years? Do you think he could stay that path for that long?

As far as you not taking his concerns seriously during the planning phase of your wedding, that is a communication thing. He may have been talking, but you weren't hearing. This isn't your fault, or his. It is something that couples need to work on together. I thought that I "talked" to my wife before I had an EA. In fact, I'm pretty sure I did. But she didn't hear me. As we looked into that, and worked in MC a bit, I realized that I wasn't talking in her language. Something just wasn't getting across. On the other side of that, my wife wasn't talking to me in my language. So the communication issue is a two-way street, and that is something that you can work on now and implement before you think about planning a wedding with this guy.

The more important question for him though, is if he didn't feel like you heard him, why did he feel the need to turn to someone else? What was it inside of him that let him make the choice to sleep with OW? It's not just cold feet. It is his coping mechanism which he learned long before he met you. So how did he develop that coping mechanism? What happened in his past that made that his "go-to" option?


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6047 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
dlovesk
♀ Member
Member # 33260
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, January 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baxter thank you very much for your thought provoking reply particularly as my post was war and peace!

I'm still on my iPhone and I don't know how to proof read my posts on it! Edit: just slowly learnt how!

You are right about time frames and the whys - to clarify my WF has discovered them and knows what he needs to work on but has no where near resolved them and he will continue therapy this year he did 7 months and has had a break over Christmas he has lined up his next 10 sessions already with his counsellor. He has hit jackpot with his counsellor as he has 30 years experience in infildelity and relationships which is why I think WF has been able to make the initial changes. By no means this is not quick fix some of WF therapy sessions have been 3 hours long.

So much has come out and while I am happy to start talking about wedding planning again and getting married in the future after posting here on SI and your perspective too I realize that it has to take time. I think I was jumping a bit quick but now realize 2 years is a more realistic figure.

More with his why's and what he has uncovered. We had a session with his counsellor when I tentatively decided to look at reconciling. The first thing his counsellor said to WF in front of me was "WF do you know you have perpetrated a form of domestic violence on dlovesk" the counsellor went on to talk about emotional violence. WF has never laid a hand on me... this was a light bulb moment for WF he broke down as he realized he had become the person be tried so hard not to be. He grew up in domestic violence as a child...so he has been working in foo issues (only just scratching surface for now and will continue).

The other why is something that he hid from me is he was sexually assaulted by a teacher when he was younger. he has begun to explore this and has begun to realize this has led to alot of issues for him. I have never said this to anyone either but when he first joined the military when he was 18 he was sexually assaulted by a woman who was superior to him and when he tried to come forward about it he was humiliated and told it was every man's dream to be taken advantage of by a woman. I haven't said this in the other forums because I didnt want to appear to be making excuses. But through therapy he has begun to realize that it has scrambled his boundaries when it comes to conflict and confrontation.

The other why is peer pressure and playing the nice guy. Boundaries in the military are easy to avoid due to being away etc WF has told me after learning about what constitutes cheating he realizes he has had poor boundaries.,There was one incident he disclosed when when we were not exclusive that he slept with his ex in another location. He didn't know how to tell me asour relationship was so new. He has given a time line of events in RC and I believe what he tells me. He has had to face the fact that everyone knows what happened as to why our wedding was called off as I told everyone when I found out as I was in shock. He had been humiliated and has had to earn back trust and respect from my friends and family. Also he had realized that the military has helped him compartmentalize emotions and behaviors. He apologised in person to my bridesmaids, family and his family.

With the boundary crossing he was again researching and found a dr Phil quote that was another light bulb moment. "cheating is anything you wouldnt do with your partner standing next to you". This has been an Eye opener for him and our next step is to work on "not just friends"'he had to order it from america though as it's not easily available in Australia in local stores

With communication you have hit the nail on the head and it is/was our biggest issue. We are both 30 so still young. WF told me everything is at my pace so I see giving this 2 years a realistic option. He is also applied for civilian jobs in the event he gets posted in another location as as he does want to take me away from support networks. He has been away since d day for Six weeks and he did a good job of easing my worries I am lucky enough his role doesn't take him away for long periods of time.

The other massive issue in our relationship is something I have had to work on. I have already lost both my parents and lost my mother 2 years ago very suddenly. Dad was from cancer 8 years ago. I never sought help so all of this with WF has led me to deal with all the grief and loss I have experienced at such a young age...this had really affected communication and intimacy which is our goal for working on in RC and my IC (amongst working on healing the infidelity).

I guess I have struggled because when I have explained this on other forums (although not in this depth) I understandably was met with some trepidation by other members...however WF behavior and consistency has led me to this point. I know he is not perfect and it has been ugly and messy...

To answer your last question... I just asked him and he told me that it went from point a to point b very quickly. He said he was a "frog in hot water" and that he the reason he found himself was that he is a conflict avoided and didnt want to "Hurt his friend" he also didn't know how to say no he said because he became "scrambled" when other woman came onto him quite forcefully which led to physical component. He said l due to his past experiences with rape and abuse he panicked. I saw text message from OW apologising for "pushing him into something" honestly it was a mess after d day as I didn't know who or what to believe. WF says he was ashamed he tried to be friend to someone who took advantage. He also said though it his fault he didnt recognize the signs of an EA and said yes to going round her house to "have a chat" the day the physical component happened.. He also said this situation was different to the one in the very beginning of our relationship as he still had some feelings for his ex. It takes a long time for him to become comfortable with sexual intimacy. Which is why I was so blindsided. His other boundary crossing was "out with the boys and commenting on women and also swapping porn and pictures texts, jokes with workmates" edited again to add as he is still talking to me that he did not recognize the signs of what was Happening - he knows now he should never have lied to me about going to her house. His counsellor is working with him on confronting others or just walking away and listening to his body when he is uncomfortable. He also said he lied by omission to me by not telling me what he was talking about to his friend (I now have more awareness about female friendships and boundaries and his behavior was not acceptable).

Also to add is that something that is not model WF behavior is that he did not confess she told me after he finally told her to leave him alone after the physical encounter that he made a big mistake and felt pushed and had no intention of continuing. . He knows it was wrong...OW was horrible to me when she told me she was yelling and screaming... This is a sticking point because he didnt tell me he was afraid to lose me.

Baxter thank you so much for allowing me to speak freely about stuff that I can't speak about IRL I am open to any feedback as maybe I'm not seeing something in what I describe. I have edited this for grammar etc and so it makes sense it took ages on iPhone!

[This message edited by dlovesk at 3:26 PM, January 7th (Saturday)]


Me - BF
Him - WF - continues to be consistently remorseful

Together nearly 6 years now
D Day May 2011
In R - hiccups and speed bumps along the way!


Posts: 162 | Registered: Sep 2011
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, January 7th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dlovesk,

I'm sorry for the hurt and pain you and your WF have both been put through. In a way, you seem like the perfect couple because you both have a deeper understanding of pain than many other people will ever have to deal with in their lives. If you can both take healing journeys for yourselves, but together, I have to believe that would make for a very strong bond in M. But I think therein is the reason for caution and patience.

That quote by Dr. Phil really hits the mark for many of us WS here. I know that I wasn't aware of that line in my past. I know that I had an EA before the one that brought my BW and me here to SI. I felt like I literally tripped into my EA before I really understood what was going on, and by that time, it was too late. That isn't my excuse or my why, but it is my experience, which I view as real, even though many folks here view A's as fantasy. They are fantasy, I get that, but then if they were all fantasy, we wouldn't all be on SI and in such pain. Fine line...I know...

Anyway, there is a motto or mantra that you need to keep in mind when you get advice from anyone. "Take what you need and leave the rest". I would bet that you were told to run because your whole story and the whole situation wasn't put out there in one post. Even now that it is, there is some logic to suggesting you run. You aren't M, you are only 30, no kids I presume, so it would be easier to just leave your WF baggage and protect yourself. But, if that isn't what you want to do, then don't. Just don't be surprised it things don't go as planned.

Your WF has a lot to deal with. You are in the best position to know if he is really dealing with things as he needs to. However, you also are dealing with a lot with the loss of both your parents, so you really do need to protect yourself and be honest with yourself about the efforts your WF is making.

Good luck.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6047 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
dlovesk
♀ Member
Member # 33260
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, January 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you very much for your kind, healing words. This means a lot to me and speaks volumes about your own character, determination care and kindness that has allowed you to be able to give these words of wisdom despite the 'label' of WS. thank you for the time you have taken to write me on the other side of the world! Thank you.

I threw myself into university when dad died, when mum died it was all about finishing our house and trying to settle the sale of mums estate and now it has been all about trying to process what has happened in the past 8 months. I think I will take some time some time to process everything as you say. I think we have a real chance of true, long term reconciliation and I believe this in my heart.

I too am going back to IC to process the enormity of the events. We will also continue RC. I will see where these events take us. Thanks again for giving me the space to talk and discuss my situation.


Me - BF
Him - WF - continues to be consistently remorseful

Together nearly 6 years now
D Day May 2011
In R - hiccups and speed bumps along the way!


Posts: 162 | Registered: Sep 2011
nlovemyfamily
♀ Member
Member # 15258
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, January 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can WS or FWS please give their thoughts on this quote? I would love to hear your perspective. Thanks
A healthy man, will have integrity, loyalty, self respect, dedication to family, he has high self esteem and self worth, he is emotionally secure. His success is determined not by his toys or his job, his success is determined by the strength of his relationship with his wife and children, his success on the job merely a reflection, of the success he has at home. A healthy woman should have the same attributes. Anything other than this and all you are doing is enabling. Tell him to grow a pair, man up and do what is right and if he is not capable of that at least do what is fair! If, even this is not possible, cut your losses and run. You deserve a man not a boy. I think women today do too much nurturing of their spouses. Set the bar high and hold him accountable to reach it. Don't tell him, nag him, or belittle him. Share with him, your view of what a man is, say this my bar, this is what I need from you as a husband as a father as a man.I think you will get way better results by treating him as a man than mothering him like a child. It is inherent in us to provide, to protect and to care for. Don't set the bar so low that men will not be challenged by it because you will find yourself doing it all. Set the bar high, hold him accountable to protect the relationship and the home and the children, I assure you he will reach it and you all will be happier for it. As a Betrayed man and as other Betrayed men on here, had/have many of these characteristics, 99% of them are what women want. They hold themselves accountable. But as we know, only all to well, ONE does not, a marriage make. And 3 usually spells the death of it.

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj
nlovemyfamily
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Frustrated  Posted: 11:46 AM, January 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry tried to quote it but obviously unable

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj
UnexpectedSong
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Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, January 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nlove - What is your question? Do you want to say this to your H? Are you asking if it will be effective? Are you sorting out your own thoughts?


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

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nlovemyfamily
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Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, January 8th (Sunday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wondering what WS or FWS think of this idea while in A and how it changes after coming out of A? Just curious on WS on integrity of a person in an A and out of A?

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj
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