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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 6
Fighting2Survive
♀ Member
Member # 28410
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, December 3rd (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In many ways, it seems at odds to be able to hold your head up that you are doing the right things now when the path is littered with such pain, most of which was our own doing.

Thanks, Bax. This ^ is essentially what he was telling me last night. I understand it, and I guess I need to remember that this is a marathon and not a sprint.

I think part of my worry is that the shame might lead to a relapse with his alcoholism, and that is something I need to remember owns instead of doing my caretaking thing. We have issues beyond the A that each of us have to attend to.

I really do think that he will get there eventually.

Thank you for letting me know that it is possible to move past.


Me: BW, 40.......Him: FWH, 40
D-day: 3-22-10
DS1: 11, DS2: crawling
Status: R going well

"When you can tell the story and it doesn't bring up any pain, you know it is healed." - Iyanla Vanzant, Broken Pieces


Posts: 7279 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: NC
so-crushed
♀ Member
Member # 29137
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, December 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please.. your thoughts and help.

My H and I spoke about his A's again this week. The first OW was his "soul mate". I asked him to describe her to me... tell me about her personality, etc. What drew him to her?

From everything that he's told me, he still thinks very highly of this OW. This is ripping me apart. He has said that he can't criticize her, because he did the same thing and it would be like he was criticizing himself.

I don't understand... he's remorseful. He's said multiple times what he did was wrong, etc. Then why can't he see this of the OW? Why is she still on a pedestal?

Any insight/help... thanks so much.


Me - BS, 49
Him - WH, 49
Married 19yrs
D-Day, 5/29/10
1st A - EA/PA, 1998-2003(??) Long Distance
2nd A - PA, 2003-2004(??) Local

"You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul"


Posts: 187 | Registered: Jul 2010
paulb
♂ Member
Member # 4936
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, December 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a pair of questions for WS's that are probably hypothetical for most, but, who knows ... maybe some have experienced it:

(Hypothetical) Situation:
A WS has proven to be untrustworthy ... not once ... but twice or several times (an affair, a discovery, a reconciliation, rinse/repeat, rinse/repeat ...)

Question 1:
Would the BS be well advised to demand a postnup that gives most or all of the assets to the BS and custody of the kids to the BS if the WS cheats again?

Question 2:
Would the BS be well advised to demand the right to schedule regular polygraphs for some period (like one a year for 5 years)?

If the WS is truly interested in reconciliation and is clear on the idea that future marital difficulties will either be worked on inside the marriage, or a divorce will be undertaken, but under no circumstances will they cheat again ... then would there be any problem with these requests?

Would these requests demonstrate a degree of seriousness of consequences that would leave a valuable impression on the mind of the WS?

Or, would these requests poison the well and turn what might have been a perfectly good reconciliation into a disaster?


"Some say life will beat you down, break your heart, steal your crown"
"I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings"
"but not me baby, I've got you to save me"
Tom Petty

Posts: 2982 | Registered: Jul 2004
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, December 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Paulb, marriages used to be wholly about business so I guess it would depend on each person and what they're willing to do.

Post nups are iffy state by state and lack teeth often. 

Polygraphs, meh, again, up to how a couple want to structure a relationship. 

It's funny because I help my company analyze risk and the vehicles used to help mitigate (many in the news lately) because of naughty boys and girls but I digress. Bottom line is truly no guarantees. 

If I had to either request or conform I wouldn't. It really boils down to who wants it more. If the BS does it really doesn't matter what is in place as the line will be constantly redrawn in order to keep the WS in the relationship. The converse is also true.

That desire sometimes shifts. 

You're basically talking about marriage contracts. Should those also include weight, amount of sex, cleanliness of house, time spent with family? 

Since reconciliation re-establishes a relationship and a relationship is quid pro quo having one party give a majority of concessions is not going to be sustainable long term. While an obvious need in the immediate, as there will have to be effort made to atone for the destruction, there is really no way to even those scales or ever balance so either grace is a part of the equation at some point or the health of the relationship is doomed. 

My take


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, December 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so-crushed,

My opinion is that he is still trying to find a way to hold onto the "good" feelings of the A. The whole criticize her/criticize me should be a non-issue right now if he is truly remorseful. That doesn't mean that he is going to start talking trash about her, but it should mean that you get that "You are right about her" comment from your WH.

Holding onto the good feelings of the A can mean a couple of things. But ultimately, it probably means that he is just having a very difficult time letting go of the addiction side of it (they were soulmate shmoopies after all...). He could be stuck in a spot where he totally knows it was wrong, but because things seemed "so right", it can't have been an entire lie.

I don't think you should doubt his commitment to R, but he hasn't worked through all of this stuff yet. And part of that goes back to fully admitting and taking responsibility for his own actions. It's one of the last ways for him to hold out.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6017 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Intothewoods
♀ Member
Member # 33164
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, December 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think suckstobeme's question on page 12 got any answer, and I find myself in a nearly identical situation, with no idea what's going on or where we're headed, longing for an answer. Anyone? Anyone?

Can anyone describe the mental and emotional process as you go from that detachment and demonizing the spouse phase to a spot where you start to come to certain realizations about what happened and how it impacted you and everyone around you?

My IC says that exWH is starting to "get it" by some of the things I've been telling her. Certainly no signs of wanting to R but much less anger toward me in our limited contact and more trying to do right by the kids. In the early days, he was very quick to blow off visitation time and had no interest in my well being whatsoever. That has loosened to a point.

I believe that with all of his issues, including a very conflict avoidant personality, he is one that, if it ever happens, it will take him much longer to come to certain realizations. Even members of his immediate family have said that he was always that person who took a long time to admit his wrongs.

For those of you who were not immediately knocked off the fence , please describe the journey and some of the different phases that pulled you slowly back to a healthy reality.


Me- BS
Him - fWS
DDay August 2011
Began the process of R, January 2012.

Posts: 67 | Registered: Aug 2011
so-crushed
♀ Member
Member # 29137
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, December 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BaxtersBFF...thank you so much.

Last week I found out he had been in contact via phone with OW#1 five yrs after he originally indicated the A had ended. For me, this is a big deal, as I view this as the A lasting 6-7 yrs. He doesn't view it that way...his thoughts are that the A ended after their last physical encounter in '99.

During that same time (back in '03), he was also have an EA/PA with OW#2.

He claims that after OW#2 began stalking him and our child, his eyes were opened and he realized that he could lose his family.

Finding out that he was still in contact with OW#1 (his soulmate..) so many years later and at the same time involved with OW#2... and me.. having a very hard time dealing with all of this even 18 months post d-day.

He's remorseful, he says he realized what he could lose and that his family means the world to him.. BUT.. then in May '09 (after he was laid off), he created an account on a dating site. I found it after D-Day and he claims he created the account but did nothing with it since the "what am I doing" hit him again.

Thoughts as to how I can encourage talk between us in regards to him working through everything? I am so tired of hurting and tired of talking about the pain.

[This message edited by so-crushed at 5:02 PM, December 4th (Sunday)]


Me - BS, 49
Him - WH, 49
Married 19yrs
D-Day, 5/29/10
1st A - EA/PA, 1998-2003(??) Long Distance
2nd A - PA, 2003-2004(??) Local

"You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul"


Posts: 187 | Registered: Jul 2010
brokenandfedup
♀ Member
Member # 33186
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, December 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi WS's,

Thanks so much for posting on here to provide us BS's with answers to burning questions...

The perspectives you all offer really help... even for us occassional lurkers here...

I do have 2 quesetions I need your help with:

1) How can a WS LOVE their BS, but still search out other women???

2) My WS is not very remorseful. But he has never been a very deep guy... I have asked him for certain details about the ONS he had, and he answers that he doesn;t remember. It kills me... How would you suggest I approach this???

Thank you all so very much!!!


Posts: 519 | Registered: Aug 2011
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, December 4th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello,
my dday was oct 5th...husband confessed to a 6 month affair with his yoga instructor that supposedly ended over a year ago. all this happend during my pregnancy. of course when i learned the news, i was devastated and hurt beyond words that this man whom i thought loved me more than life could do such a thing. so, i threw him out of the house, destroyed his den, clothes, and publicly humiliated him in front of his friends and family. i also called the other woman's job and told her bosses at the gym that she was having an affair with my husband. she was reprimanded. i was out for blood at that point. sooooooooo, here we are now...after being separated for a month...he has moved back home, and we are in weekly marriage counseling. the pain is still very instense at times...but i do know that we want to stay married and work it out. my husband tells me how sorry he is...and unfortunatly he told me a lot of the gory details that i asked about and sometimes wish i didnt. he explained all his fears and immaturity about not wanting to take on fatherhood or have our marriage change with a new child...all of it. how much he loves me and our family...and how he wants to do whatever it takes to make the marriage work and build the trust.

soooooooooooooooo, my question is when is enough talking about it enough. i find myself constantly wanting him to tell me more details...sometimes we are up into all hours of the night with him telling me what happend. i just cant let it go. i can tell that he feels terribly guilty but i am not sure what to do. and just the other night he said to me that he did not want to discuss the details anymore...that it was not doing us any good to keep rehashing everything that happend. he wants to bring it up in our next counseling session.

here are my questions:

1. is he right?

2. some family members told me that if i keep doing this, i will hurt my marriage and he will withdraw from me.

3. i want to keep punishing him, but i dont know how to stop. are there consequences to this?

4. do i just need to let it go? what else can i do?

i would love to hear your perspective how where do i go from here...really. please be blunt.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 1 baby
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bitchboots

Posts: 907 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 3:56 AM, December 5th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brokenandfedup:

1) How can a WS LOVE their BS, but still search out other women???

I can't speak for your WS, but speaking from my experience. For myself, I still loved my H but I was very much in a different place mentally and so self-absorbed and so very selfish along with emotionally immature. But it did not make me incapable of not loving my H, just incapable of SHOWING him.

2) My WS is not very remorseful. But he has never been a very deep guy... I have asked him for certain details about the ONS he had, and he answers that he doesn;t remember. It kills me... How would you suggest I approach this???

Deep doesn't have much to do with it. I wasn't a deep person but I have been working on becoming one not because that's what my H asked of me, but so I can heal. I was too shallow for too long. It's good to develope depth.

Your H is trying to avoid answering questions, IMO. It's not that he can't remember, he just chooses not to & doesn't want to put in the effort. If he wants to save the relationship with you & make life-long positive changes in himself, he needs to dig deep & learn that "I don't know" or "I don't remember" aren't going to cut it.

sri624:

he said to me that he did not want to discuss the details anymore...that it was not doing us any good to keep rehashing everything that happend. he wants to bring it up in our next counseling session.
1. is he right?

In a way, yes. It will get exhausting to talk over and over about the same thing with anyone over any subject. You both need a break or you will experience burn-out. He's not wanting to never talk about it, he's just wanting to take a break & wait till the next counseling session. Understandable. But you have questions & concerns that are buring inside
& it's unfair to make you wait. My suggestion is to dedicate a time and day where you can discuss the A. Say, 1 hr every Wed and Fri night between 9 & 10 pm. When the timer is up, wrap it up & save it for the next session together. This will also help you put your thoughts togther.

2. some family members told me that if i keep doing this, i will hurt my marriage and he will withdraw from me.

That is possible but remember to not take everyone's advice as the written word. Your WS does need to respect your needs & when your having an especially hard day he needs to put his own shit & discomfort aside. No one is living in this but you (referring to the family dropping advice) so they need to respect your own personal hell.


3. i want to keep punishing him, but i dont know how to stop. are there consequences to this?

Yes. You are neither his mom nor the hall monitor. It is not up to you to "punish" him. Don't adpot that roll. Also, it's not for you to decide what "punishment" he deserves. What if it's not enough? What then? What if what you thought would be long enough? Are you going to extend it till you're all better? This won't help either one of you heal.

4. do i just need to let it go? what else can i do?

You do what your comfortable with on your own time. I don't think your anywhere ready to letting it go, though. Remember, ON AVERAGE, it takes 2-5 years to recover. Don't rush yourselsf. Work on YOU and YOUR healing or you'll never get through this.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 3:57 AM, December 5th (Monday)]


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, December 5th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

suckstobeme and Intothewoods,

I don't think anyone can answer all the possibilities for what you are asking. It is going to be very specific to your own situation.

So, for me...yes, those dreaded words to qualify an answer...

For whatever reason, I knew relatively quickly that what I was doing was not right. Every time I said something against my BW, I knew at some level that it wasn't true. So there was a constant struggle going on inside my head and heart whenever I interacted with or thought about my BW and kids (the peripheral family had very little impact on things in our situation). Every time I tried to detach, I knew at some level that it was because I was trying to run away. And I knew that if I ran away, I would still have the same problems wherever I went. Every time I tried to say something negative about BW, I would know that it wasn't the actual truth. Yes, she had a part in some of the pre-A issues, but I am the one who kept trying to find a way to link her role in the pre-A issues to the choices that I made in the present. I could never do it. So I would say "you just don't get me" and try to blame her by saying "You didn't support me" type of crap. But really, I knew it was all about me.

I always doubted. I always second-guessed. On one hand I had a BW who was fighting for our M and two kids who didn't deserve to be thrust into being kids of divorced parents. On the other, I had the euphoria of the MOW. When I chatted with her, everything else fell away and for a brief time I could not think about my present, which was that I had a wife and kids.

Once the MOW started limiting contact and then threw me under the bus, it became more difficult for me to deny how nuts I was. I still fought it, but ultimately, I couldn't keep up that facade and be honest with myself and those around me. So then, when I started realizing that a lot of my problems were self-inflicted and that in fixing them I was focusing on being honest with myself, I had to battle with the idea that I should be doing this for my BW and kids, not myself. selfish vs. doing right by BW and the kids.

Saying all this another way...I wasn't good enough, or stubborn enough to completely compartmentalize the doubt. The only time I could was during direct communication with MOW. Every other minute was filled with tension between wanting that "high" and trying to convince myself and my BW that I was doing what I needed to do to be "happy". So, my BW and my own brain worked against me in my efforts. Eventually, they both chipped away at my A thinking and I was faced with the reality of what I had done.

Another factor for me, was that BW fought everything. She met every challenge I tried putting in her path. She held her ground, or addressed every issue. She took responsibility for her part of the pre-A issues. Then, after all of that, she packed a bag and put it in the back of her car. That was the final blow. She wasn't going to buy into my world of thinking. That was a healthy dose of reality and pretty much broke down a lot of barriers that I had put up. I could not continue any longer. Instead of trying to blame her, I began working on things.

Not sure if this gets to the point you were looking for. I could write a book about the details, but I'm not sure they would be helpful for your situations.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6017 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, December 5th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2) My WS is not very remorseful. But he has never been a very deep guy... I have asked him for certain details about the ONS he had, and he answers that he doesn;t remember. It kills me... How would you suggest I approach this???

I would suggest you focus on you. I posted about this recently because I'm noticing the same thing. Some people will never "get it" because they completely lack the ability. I called it living in 2 inches of water. They're shallow and don't experience life the same way or feel things at a deep level.

Others have the depth but not the tools. Either way, whether they truly can't or won't it's the same result.

Focus on your healing and recovery. In time you may decide that is not even close to enough. Life is short. Don't accept crumbs.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Intothewoods
♀ Member
Member # 33164
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, December 7th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, BaxtersBFF, for your reply. I think my WS may be somewhere in the jungle of this kind of thinking. It helps me to be patient to hear that a person can still be entangled in an affair but slowly come out of it. WS is becoming more positive towards me and very positive towards the kids. We have both 'owned' our stuff from the marriage. I have hope that we will make it to a good relationship of some kind, whether it is a married one or not. They loooove each other, but I will continue to keep the doors open and the message stong. The rest is up to WS. I think I am ok with that. You folks who answer these questions make a real difference in the lives of people you've never met. Thank you.


Me- BS
Him - fWS
DDay August 2011
Began the process of R, January 2012.

Posts: 67 | Registered: Aug 2011
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, December 7th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, thank you for answering our questions. It helps so much to hear your thoughts and get an inside view of the thoughts and rationalizations that you go through. Everyone else, ICs included, can tell us,but it somehow doesn't seem to really sink in as the truth until you guys confirm. Sometimes I think friends and family say things just to make me feel better. I know that's not the case here. Please know that your help here with us is so appreciated.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2495 | Registered: Jan 2011
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, December 8th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sri64 -

the other night he said to me that he did not want to discuss the details anymore

1. is he right?

There is no right or wrong, only what works for you and him. He needs to do whatever you need right now - if it means talking over and over, rehashing over and over, he needs to do it. However, you need to take into account that he will need sleep, he needs to keep his job, or whatever. But, yeah, he needs to answer the questions over and over and over.

Did you see SLH's response to you? Setting a time to talk is a great idea.

2. some family members told me that if i keep doing this, i will hurt my marriage and he will withdraw from me.

People who have not gone through infidelity don't know what they are talking about. Ignore them.

3. i want to keep punishing him, but i dont know how to stop. are there consequences to this?

Well, there are consequences to everything. You have every right to punish him. Likewise, he has the right to decide he wants to leave because he cannot take the punishment. At a certain point, when you are in true reconciliation, both of you need to work towards a partnership, toward a new marriage relationship. You have to decide what kind of relationship you want. If you want to always have the upper hand, to use the affair as a win-all card, that's fine... if he accepts it. It all comes down to what works for both of you.

4. do i just need to let it go? what else can i do?

It's early days yet for you. If you and he both talk and talk and talk and process and process and process and work and work and work, it will take between 2-5 years for you to get to a new normal. Don't rush it. Don't make yourself "let it go" before you are ready. But do keep in mind that one day, you will accept (which does not mean forget) and be able to live with the new normal.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, December 8th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm wondering if there are any WS out there who cheated on their wives for many years before being found out, who have now successfully reconciled.

My FWH cheated on me for 15+ years on and off before D day plus had a long time porn addiction. He claims he loved me throughout, it was about a fetish he had, not about wanting to leave me, or so he says.

Anyone out there have any insight ?


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
Fire96
♂ Member
Member # 34131
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, December 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have three questions that my wife can't seem to answer, and I was wondering if any WS's had input.

1) Did you jump head first into an afair, or did you gradually "test" the waters before jumping into a EA/PA? My wife claims it was all of a sudden, no precurser such as flirting with others.

2) Kind of answered above, but do you remember the affair actions and discussions in detail, or, as I'm constantly told, do you not remember or it was general stuff such as asking how your day is going?

3) Once the affair started, did you notice all of your boundaries changed, such as other comunications with freinds started being secretive, and texts and e-mails hidden out of habit?

In my case, the wife had a PA for 18 months, and the last 12 months during PA also had hundreds of calls to a mutual male aquatance that she was erasing and hiding, as well as hiding meetings for coffee and shopping. She claims they were just freinds, nothing happened, but that her habits from the affair were becoming common for her.

Something tells me that there was more to it.

She claims to be open about all of the details, and has told me some pretty brutal facts, and is trying for R, but there are two many unanswered questions that I get the "I don't know/remember" answer to..


Me, BS-54
WW-49
DD, 1/9/2011

Posts: 158 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Texas
soverybetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, December 11th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have some questions regarding what my stbx has done but refuses to admit to.

1. I found that he has posted pictures wearing my panties, nylons,and nightgown but he refuses to admit it an says he is not a cross dresser, why won;t he tell me the truth?

2. His username on the sites clearly indicates that he is bisexual but he tells me he is heterosexual. Why would he lie about this?

3. I found more pictures that are from when we were engaged, again in panties even ones I wore for our wedding. He refuses to admit to these either but he admits that he hasn't told me everything. Why won't he be honest with me?

4. Everyone in our neighborhood knows that he and a MOW are at a minimum having and EA but they both deny it. WE have been separated for 5 months and have filed for divorce so why is he still lying to me?

5. Why does he refuse to answer my questions and tell me the whole truth? I love him still but he said he didn't want to be married anymore. He has nothing to lose by telling me the truth now so why does he continue to lie to me?

Thank you to anyone who can help answer these questions.


Me-53
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1193 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Learning who I am again!
Sandcrab
♀ Member
Member # 10067
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, December 12th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fire96 -

1) Did you jump head first into an afair, or did you gradually "test" the waters before jumping into a EA/PA? My wife claims it was all of a sudden, no precurser such as flirting with others.

For me it was all of a sudden. There was talking just normal stuff but things really happened all of sudden.

2) Kind of answered above, but do you remember the affair actions and discussions in detail, or, as I'm constantly told, do you not remember or it was general stuff such as asking how your day is going?

No I do not remember the discussions in detail. Most of the discussions was really just hi and how are you doing. There wasn't much flirting in the beginning, that built up along the way.

3) Once the affair started, did you notice all of your boundaries changed, such as other comunications with freinds started being secretive, and texts and e-mails hidden out of habit?

Yes, my boundaries changed but I didn't notice it happening during the A. It was after everything was found out that I realized that my boundaries had changed drastically.


I ♥ LostJim

Adopt a chihuahua in your area
http://adopt-a-chihuahua.adoptapet.com/


Posts: 5618 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: wishing I was on an ocean beach somewhere...
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, December 12th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WE have been separated for 5 months and have filed for divorce so why is he still lying to me?

Gently, who knows and it doesn't really matter or change anything. If he didn't care enough about himself or your marriage to do the hard work he's not going to care enough to tell you the truth and deal with the fallout and your emotions.

I know it's hard. Work on detaching and moving forward without him and his dysfunction.

(((soverybetrayed)))


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


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