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User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 6
brokenandfedup
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Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, November 24th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A question for the WS's...

THis may have been answered on another thread, but I'd appreciate some feedback.

I often wonder why my WS told me about his ONS. I also wonder why he did it.

In my heart of hearts I beleive it was a way of ending our marriage.

Why did you tell your BS's about your affair?

Why did you do it to begin with?

thanks so much!


Posts: 519 | Registered: Aug 2011
BaxtersBFF
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Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, November 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brokenandfedup,

I told my BW because I couldn't hold it in any longer. I told her because for months she hadn't picked up on the hints that I dropped that I didn't want to be M anymore. I withdrew and detached from my BW prior to my EA. After a while, I brought my concerns about our lack of intimacy and connection and it didn't seem to register with BW as nothing in her behavior changed. Funny thing is, I never said it directly in a way that she "heard" me. So, since she didn't hear me and she didn't change, I detached completely, but still couldn't bring myself to tell my BW I wanted a D. Actually at that point, she wasn't a BW. She was simply my wife who still loved me, who was a great mom, who held up her end of the M. But I had convinced myself that I didn't matter to her. So, when the A hit a couple months later, I thought it would become painfully obvious to my then BW that I was not worth it. But she still didn't pick up on my behavior and she didn't know that I was in an EA. The tension become worse for me. I couldn't understand how my BW could not see that we shouldn't be M. So I finally told her that I loved someone else. Instead of leaving, my BW worked her ass off to prove that she loved me.

Hidden in all the words above is part of my reason for having an A in the first place. I believed my BW didn't love me anymore. I believed that I had given every opportunity to my BW to realize how dire our M was. And based on everything I had available to me at that time, my BW just wasn't getting it. Well, turns out, I wasn't saying anything to my BW in a way that she understood to be of any concern. If you haven't guessed it by now, I am not very direct. So I never once said to my BW "I'm concerned about our M and am having real difficulty in believing you love me anymore." If I had said those words, I doubt an A would have developed. Instead, I believed I said those words and that my BW dismissed them.

I know a ONS is different than an EA or a PA or an LTA or whatever other kinds of betrayals are out there, but I think there is a common theme through most WS that we don't know how to communicate directly or effectively, but that we perceive that we are absolutely clear with our words. Of course, not everybody falls into that category, but I think most do.

If I just would have talked honestly and openly with my wife on one certain morning, almost 5 years ago, I doubt we would be here right now.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
DixieD
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Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, November 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baxter BFF,

You've said yours was meant to be an exit affair. can you explain why you needed to have someone on the hook to make your exit?

What changed your mind when one foot was out the door?


Growing forward

Posts: 1444 | Registered: Sep 2011
BaxtersBFF
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Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, November 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't so much need someone on the hook as much as I needed something that would be a dealbreaker for my BW.

This is all in retrospect. I don't think I was consciously aware of any of this at the time.

I started spiraling months before any contact with the MOW. Even after first contact, which was initiated by MOW, there was a two month period where there was no A.

So, for six months prior to any A, I was trying to detach. I thought it was obvious that my wife and I should not be M anymore because obviously she was fine with the way our M was at that time and I wasn't. Since I minimize my own feelings so much, I internalized all of this and began detaching.

All the while, I kept thinking that there was no good reason for D. My wife kept the house together, was a great mom, and had a great job. Why should I D someone like her? I had no good reason, except that she wasn't meeting my needs. She didn't seem to care about me. But that is what I minimized. And by minimizing, internalizing it, or compartmentalizing it, whatever word you want to use, I didn't bring it up or talk about it. I just expected her to see it and to know it.

When the EA started, I was pretty much detached completely from BW. I did nothing to stop it. Eventually I thought that it would be even more obvious to my BW that she wasn't giving me anything that I needed. I thought that the EA would be a dealbreaker, and that I had given my BW the reason she needed to finally see how bad things were between us. I did not expect her to fight for us at all.

What changed my mind? Eventually the MOW went back to her BH. It was a slow death of the EA. All the while BW held on and fought for the M. Over time I realized that what I was doing was wrong and that even if I left, I would still be me and "me" was who I was most unhappy with. I always had a sense that if I left, I would regret it. If I left, I would have left the one thing that was good in my life. But I would not commit to BW. I was still trying to make everything fit, what I had done, and what I felt I needed now. Eventually, BW had a bag packed and her own exit plan. She was going to leave me with the kids. She was going to take care of herself first. She was going to find someone who would love her like she deserves.

Ultimately, that is what changed my mind. My idealized version of what life after M would be like was not at all reality. I would still be broken. I would have been responsible for nuking our family. And every morning I would have to wake up and look at myself in the mirror and come to grips with what I had done. Seems very selfish of me. I can see how it could be seen as me wanting to maintain control over gerrygirl. But I think it is different now. She made the choice to take care of herself. Once she did that, I lost any control I had over her to manipulate her. If I ever pull that same shit again, she will be gone. So I can only control myself anymore.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
DixieD
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Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, November 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BBFF, Thanks.


Growing forward

Posts: 1444 | Registered: Sep 2011
brokenandfedup
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Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, November 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BBFF,

Thanks for your honest reply. It is so refreshing to have someone be sincerely honest...

So much of what you said reminds me of my WS. Except he was looking for excuses to detach from me. When I look back over the last 3.5 yers, the things he would criticise me about and get angry with me about were insignificant. They made me unhappy, and we both spiralled down a slippery slope, where he ended up having his ONS.

Over those 3.5 years, though, he would go out with colleagues to bars, and clubs and they would pick up attractive women, act like they were single and buy them drinks (I don;t know how much further it escallated from there, but he swears that's as far as it went)

Today, I look back and think he "groomed" himself to have a ONS or and A, and his actions seem t push me away, too...

I wish I knew/understood and felt the courage and strength of your BW... On one hand I want to fight for the marriage, and on the other hand, it feels like it is over, and dead....

Is that how she felt??? Do you know???

Did your BW threat to leave wake you up???

Any suggestions how I should proceed???

He admitted two weeks ago that he had seen a DL three years ago... but I feel like he might have just reently...

Any advice???

I feel paralysed...


Posts: 519 | Registered: Aug 2011
BaxtersBFF
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Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, November 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, she felt like that. She was torn, but she had enough. Her perception changed from one of defeat to one of taking initiative to actively take care of herself and her own needs for once in her life. I hurt her deeply and mangled her heart in the process. She was ready to move on without me, even though it wasn't what she wanted.

The threat to leave wasn't really a threat so much as a statement of fact. She didn't pack her bag in an effort to convince me of her resolve. She did it for herself. She changed the rules of the game. It did wake me up. By the time she made this decision, it was fairly clear that OW was not going to be running to me, even though I was doing everything I could to convince myself that she would.

There is another piece to our situation. I had my head so far up my ass that if she would have decided to take care of herself before she did, I may have been fine with that and we would have been D now. I wasn't far enough along to have questioned my own actions. I fought myself so much. I worked hard to convince myself that MOW would be waiting for me. I was convinced that everything would be sunshine and daisies. But I always had a little doubt peppered in there too. That doubt made me question what I was doing.

So things sort of lined up around the two year mark. She resolved to take care of herself and I lost my resolve that I was doing what I needed to do to make myself happy. Logic and reality won out and I have been working to heal ever since.

The best advice will come from the BS's on this site. Your WH has to want to do the work. He has to have the ability to question himself. Some WS will be open to that, others dig in deeper and never come out of their hole.

One thing that really pissed me off, but I think did help in the long run is that my BW rose to each challenge. When I said "You need IC too", she went. She came out of it being told by her IC that she was fine and that I was the problem. Everything I threw her way was addressed. She would not take any responsibility for my problems. She did take responsibility for her share of the pre-A issues and she worked to fix them. She navigated through my shitstorm very well and came out clean on the other end.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Feeling Consumed
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Member # 30592
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, November 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much Baxter for sharing your thoughts on why and how your A came to be and how you and your BW were successful in R.

I believe my WXH is exactly like you - he thought I didn't care about him or love him because I didn't respond to his needs - which I had no idea what they were as he never ever communicated any of this to me. Just like you, he thought I was a mind reader and should have just known he was having issues. I was so blindsided when this all happened because I had no idea he was unhappy! I told him he should have received an Oscar for best performance of a happy husband.

Reading your posts does confuse me though - everything we are told here on SI tell us NOT to do what your BW did. All advice says to 180 and if the WS still does not pull his/her head out of his/her ass, then file for D - which is what I did. This sounds like total opposite of what your BW did, at least for the first 2 years, so now I am confused and feeling that if I had "fought" for my M like you say your BW did, I would not be D today.

I loved and still do love my WxH - yes, I am a glutton for punishment I guess, but when you are with someone for half of your life, it is hard to let go of all that love in a year's time.

I kicked my WxH out the day he told me about his EA with a ho-worker. I do believe she D her BH for my WxH, but not really sure. I was not going to sit by and watch as he gave absolutely not so much as a teeny hint that he would ever come back and R - no false R for us - just absolutely no R at all. If I thought fighting for my M would have worked, I would have done it for sure, but I never thought it would matter what I did - my WXH was like you, the M was over in his mind and he had found his soulmate - I didn't think there was anything I could do that would bring him back. Plus I didn't think it was my place to be the one to do anything seeing as how I was not the one who broke up our M. I would have been the only one trying and I knew I couldn't live with that - not even for a day.

I think this was also an exit A for him too. I am not sure he is with OW - seems like their affairy-land is starting to crumble. Not sure why or who is taking it down, him or her.

I also filed for D because he was starting to spend money like crazy and I did not want to be financially as well as emotionally ruined. So that was another reason I filed. There was no way I was going to let him spend any of OUR money on her, so the best solution was to D, split the assets and then if he wanted to blow his half on her, that was his business.

So my question to you (or any other WS reading this) is do you think if your BW did leave you and you ended up D, do you think you ever would have thought of trying to woo her back after you pulled your head out and realized what you gave up? Or would you have kept assuming she didn't care for you and never go back?

As you can see, a part of me still hopes he comes back as the most remorseful person on the face of this earth and spends the rest of his life trying to make up to me for what he did to me. Think this is called a pipe dream. I think the odds of this happening are fairly low, especially now since we are D. Any thoughts?


Spent half my life with an Ahole
D final!!! 11-11

"Obladi oblada life goes on...."


Posts: 344 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Wisconsin
BaxtersBFF
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Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, November 25th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry I'm late in coming back to this conversation. Working evenings out of town.

I think the BS is going to do what they need to do for their own situation. All advice says to 180, yes, but how many actually do that successfully? If you 180, are you doing it for yourself? or are you doing it to try to get your WS to pull their head out of their ass?

Once gerrygirl found SI, it only took her a month or two to gain the conviction to take care of herself. She didn't make that choice to try to get me to pull my head out of my ass. She did it to protect herself.

We have talked at least a few times about what would have happened if she would have found SI sooner and had made the decision to take care of herself sooner. We both agree to some extent that if she would have made that decision sooner, I would have said "great" and would never have gotten it or owned my own shit.

During the almost two years from the start of my EA to the time gerrygirl found SI, there would be times where she saw the old me that she fell in love with. I would become present again if for only a short time. During those times I perceived her grief and hurt and pain. I would have sane moments where the reasonable and logical arguments were indisputable. But then I would regress and fight it. But I showed her glimpses. That was enough for her to keep fighting.

Not all WS are going to react the same way. Not all BS are going to be as tolerant. You need to do what you need to do. If you needed to D, then there was a reason for that. If your WH pulls his head out of his ass and you still love him enough to consider being M to him, then great, you took the right path for you.

To answer your final two paragraphs, if BW would have left, I would not have been compelled to work on myself. I would have actively fed the addiction and been totally lost on the concept of healing myself. I can't see how I ever would have become determined to become the person I am trying to become now. And, there is nothing wrong with hope. But reality may force it's way in and you may lose that hope before your WH realizes what happened. At that point you won't care and he will have lost out completely.

I don't know if this makes anything any clearer or not.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
SeanFLA
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Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, November 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baxter,

I'm reading your story here and it's exactly what appears to have happened to me and my WW. She never said anything and blindsided me also. Now she has filed for D and I'm so confused. I did take my time and try to be patient. Obviously I've been distraught for all this time, but after 10 months I decided enough. She can act as strong as she wants, but she has the same character as you. turns out she is emotionally immature when it comes to relationships and I never knew. My therapist AND psychiatrist both said the same thing to me. It's her character flaw, not mine. She has been in IC, not sure if she's still there, but nothing has changed towards me. I beleive the IC is just telling her what she wants to hear. She also did not have an honest conversation with me, although she says she's been hinting about being lonely or sad. I'm sorry but hints are not the same. I never knew she was unhappy, but she said I should have known. I'm not a mind reader. Baxter that excuse is a cop-out and I truely believe she knows it. She just won't admit it. She treats me like I did the cheating. Maybe it's like you said, becasue I'm trying to do all the right things for myself, going to IC, seeing a psychiatrist, etc.

After ten months I have had enough when I found out the guy she was with was returning from overseas for the birth of his son, and she knowingly slept with him 72 hours before his wife delivered as a ONS. It's so disturbing to me it's unreal. My WW is a professional and makes extremely good money and is very church going. I've learned that money has nothing to do with it so much as character flaws. Look at half of Hollywood. All these people making ungodly amounts of money, but their personal lives are a mess. Look at Bernie Madoff. Plenty of CEOs out there who have character flaws knowing what they are doing is wrong. Until it's too late and they've hurt so many people in different ways.

I believe even if all this time I stroked her ego, she would have done this anyhow. Maybe she did this before and never told me. Tiger Woods is a great example. It's a character flaw surrounded by immature emotional needs that these people don't know how to just ask for or surpress. A one minute conversation on her part and I believe we also would not be in this situation. She still won't own up to her shit.

In the last two weeks I had had enough and wanted to get my self respect and self esteem back. I've outted the A to his wife. It was the hardest phone call I've ever made. When I told her I knew about his wife's birth and I called her to expose the A she just looked at me with a blank expression on her face. Her silence was her guilt. I've also reported him to the Army Provost Marshall (MP's). He's a Lt. Colonel and they do not look too kindly on their officers cheating on their pregnant spouses going home on personal leave. I've mailed the Dectective Sergeant all the solid evidence I had. This could halt his career. this guy is just as screwed up as she is...and a West Point graduate. There's no excuse for this behavior. Now anyone who asks, I tell the truth. She has to get a grasp on reality and logic here. I know she hasn't offered the truth to anyone including her parents. As you can tell my anger stage has kicked in. I'm making my exit plan after the holidays. She is the bread winner in the home and has basically supported us for the last four years as my industry slid. I supported her on all her business travel taking care of the home and our son so she could continue to build up her career and earnings. She told me numerous times to wait the economy out, things would improve and we're in good shape. But she can't talk to me about her needs? I think there's more to this than I know or what I found out two weeks ago. She shows no remorse even for this other woman or the fact that I may have destroyed his career. I didn't destry his family, he did that on his own. Since I'm losing everything, he can sweat on it too for his own hide. My WW hasn't come to reality at what she's done. She has told me God has forgiven her. Ok I guess all is good then huh? I asked her if he sent her a registered letter telling her that?

Reality is that after the holidays my exit plan is to demand in mediation that she immediately pays for my financial support so I leave. This will include emergency co-parenting rights for my son. I will continue to look to get back corporate employment with benefits, etc. I'm not bagging groceries at $8 and hour while she lives in our 4000 sq ft home virtually uneffected. I'm forced to change everything I know, close what's left of my business, lose my family, lose time with my son and half my bank account to my attorney (an expense I never expected). She is going to own her own shit regardless if she acknowledges it herself or I force it. All because of what...she couldn't talk to me? It's emotional immaturity is what it is and it's BS.

I do love her still, but it's become nothing more right now than emotional abuse towards me. I can count the number of times on one hand that she's apologized to me for all this. She isn't remorseful. She's regretful that she got caught in this manner, but not remorseful. I can't help her with that.

If walking out is what it takes to wake her up, so be it. I'm getting my power back and I will do everything possible to make her fantasy world of what life will be after D crumble.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 12:10 PM, November 26th (Saturday)]


BS(me) 47
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1348 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
stilllovinghim
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Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, November 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The emotionally immature discussion is very interesting as I too can relate. Sean, I know your response was posed to Baxter's, but I couldn't help but feel like backing up what you said about your wife expecting you to be a mind reader.

That was me! I always did that bullshit to my H, well he should know this. Well, I'm not going to say anything cause he should know this...
It's a completely ridiculous and immature attitude to have and was actually one of the first things I admitted to doing. I have gotten a lot better with it, with work.

I'll tell ya, that attitude that your partner should just automatically know everything is a dangerous attitude to have. How in the world could I expect my H to know what I wanted when I didn't even know what I wanted? Not speaking specifically A-related either but it's one of those parts that help create the perfect storm...


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
SeanFLA
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Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, November 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

StillLoving

It is the most frustrating part of this whole thing. She is so emotionally immature that she's angry at me! She has blame shifted everything my way until I found out about this OM having a baby. I had to call her. I told my WW that in her eyes I may have failed as her husband, but I was not going to fail as a person. So I called her.

This attitude of believing I should know what she's thinking is not limited to this situation. All during our M she has planned things and never told me. She says "Well I told you." She never did! I thought at times I was absent minded. Well this proves I wasn't ever. She was pulling this on me for 18 years and her attitude spilled over into an affair.

She even said to me her IC said I was supposed to know what she was thinking! If I didn't he said I should have gotten some help! I said...WTF?! There is no IC that would say that and I called her on it. She said nothing. She's using it all as an excuse to blame shift. She's bright enough to know she is wrong. For a long time I blamed myself for all this. With what I found out recently I know it's her that's broken. She even continued to banter sexually with him after his baby was born. I'm so diguested by it. I wonder if she will wake up.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 3:44 PM, November 26th (Saturday)]


BS(me) 47
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1348 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
BaxtersBFF
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Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, November 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sean, I've been trying for a while now to write out a response to your post. Now you have another post to consider. I can't believe I am going to do this, but I am going to play devils advocate on behalf of your WW. Please forgive me.

This is going to sound really shitty of me, but I have to ask why did you put up with her emotional immaturity for 18 years? Your first post says that you married her without knowing, then the second post is that she has done it all along. How come you didn't see it before? You are implying that she knew what she was doing all along, yet you say that you never recognized what she was doing. So how come you get a pass on not recognizing her bad behavior, but she doesn't? All of a sudden, you have come to the conclusion that she is intentionally spiteful and has played you for your entire marriage.

You are mad and pissed off and have finally had enough. After 18 years of M and 10 months post d-day, you are finally at the end of your rope and there is no indication that your WW will ever own her shit.

When all is said and done, your WW is a frightened little girl living in a grown up world. She has lived her life in such a way as to cope with all of her issues in the least damaging way to herself that she knew how. She is protecting herself from herself. Does she deserve any sympathy? No. But should she be persecuted for something she wasn't able to ever realize she was doing in the first place? No. She lived her life the only way she knew how. And when she went against what she knew was right for herself, she has tried to justify it in order to continue to protect herself. In the process she has thrown you away.

I know people say the WS is selfish. We are, but the motivation behind the selfishness is not as simple to identify as the selfish actions themselves. Sometimes the selfishness is a form of self-preservation. In the case of infidelity, that self-preservation is always the wrong path, but the WS isn't going to recognize it until some dose of reality starts kicking in. Even then, the WS may not get it.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6030 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
SeanFLA
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Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, November 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for insight Baxter. I do appreciate your help.

However forgetting or not telling me we had dinner scheduled with the Murphy's is a far cry from premeditatng a meeting in Atlanta with a guy who was on his way home from Afganistan for his son's birth and slept with him. For god sakes I was at our son's Christmas pageant sitting with my IL's the night she did this. The first I always blamed her on having too much on her plate. My wife is a social butterfly and the type that always stays busy, constantly planning stuff. Last year I insisted she sync her Outlook calendar with mine for all this stuff. That helped.

This emotional immaturity has to with notnbeing able to talk to your partner if there is a need not being met. I cannot read her mind nor should I expected to be able to. Her emotional immaturity stems from the fact that she expected me to.

She knew what she was doing. She knew it was wrong. In the emails between the two she noted that she hated doing this. She knew i would be angry when I found out. The mature person sits down and tells their spouse "Hey..I'm not feeling right and I think we have a problem here". They don't go off and destroy two families and upset the lives of three children. In my 20 years of being with her she never once showed signs or red flags of infidelity. So I was just supposed to know she was unhappy? Two days prior to me finding out she was all over me, having sex, saying I love you's. It was an act. An act by a frightened little girl. We started MC as her request immediately afterwards. I said definately yes. She went to four sessions and quit. How do you as a BS respond to something like that? Now she's filed for D. Never once said she was unhappy. Never respected me enough to talk to me. Now goes along like nothing ever happened. Yet she knows my world is destroyed. I don't even know where I'll be living in four months.


BS(me) 47
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1348 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
wifeno2
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Member # 31529
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, November 26th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to bring the previous question about performance issues back up. My FWH said that he was unable to perform after a few attempts. Really? I have seen some evidence that would support this claim but still have my doubts. He has NEVER been unable to... ah, rise to the occasion in my experience. Lying? Or is this more common than I would think? Assuming that he is telling the truth then why would things not work? He states guilt, I question that he was just more worried about impressing her than me. (Which is soooo insulting for reasons we won't go into here.)

Thanks for any input.


Me-BW (45)
Him-WS (42)
DS 19 (prior relationship)
DS-8
DDay #1- 10/22/2010 EA/PA with MOW coworker
Dday#2:11/17/2010 beginning secret emails with potential OW#2
DDay #3 11/22/2010 still seeing OW#1
Too many DD's to count: Now up to OW #6.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: the south
gonogo1
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Member # 25518
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, November 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS's have you ever R after long term S or D . My WS is asking to R now at 11 th hour before official legal Seperation

Posts: 1608 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: East Coast
gonogo1
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Member # 25518
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, November 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump

[This message edited by gonogo1 at 3:04 PM, November 27th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1608 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: East Coast
stilllovinghim
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Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, November 27th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wifeno2:
Although I can't answer for your H, I have heard of this happening. Sometimes men can't perform out of guilt, age, hell, even cold medicine can affect them. It does happen. I'd still take this with a grain of salt, IMHO.

He could really have had a hard time getting or staying up, but maybe is keeping the actual reason to himself out of embarressment. Like, it's embarressing enough to admit to ALL this, why admit to WHY he couldn't get it up? Sounds screwy but that's how our minds rationalize at times.

gonogo1:
I haven't gone through what your asking (thank God!)I know that there are a few members on here who have, though their names escape me...maybe repost your ? in General??


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
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Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
sadness1
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Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, November 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can some WS give me some advice on this??

We began R about 3 weeks ago. We have had some tough discussions. A few laughs. We have started MC. But something has been missing.
Yesterday, he said he was on the fence of wanting to continue. He said he loves me and has wanted to give our marriage this second chance but feels like he should be feeling things he just doesn't. He wants to feel in love with me and share a passion with me that just isn't there. He said that he feels like we are just friends.

I asked him if it would be easier for him if I just let go and tell him we tried. That he needs to go and just be happy. He said he is not ready to let go. He doesn't want to end it yet.

He is very sad and tormented. We have had discussions while he was with OW that he hates his life and is struggling to be happy. We both believe it might be depression and are going to the doctor Friday.

So I am asking for help with this. Has anyone experienced this? Are those feelings something that also has to be rebuilt or is it something we should be feeling instantly.


Posts: 139 | Registered: May 2011
helpemegetoverit
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Member # 30242
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, November 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to bring the previous question about performance issues back up. My FWH said that he was unable to perform after a few attempts. Really? I have seen some evidence that would support this claim but still have my doubts. He has NEVER been unable to... ah, rise to the occasion in my experience. Lying? Or is this more common than I would think? Assuming that he is telling the truth then why would things not work? He states guilt, I question that he was just more worried about impressing her than me. (Which is soooo insulting for reasons we won't go into here.)

I don't have experience with this as it didn't happen to my AP....but I do feel like I have read that on this board before, so he is most likely not alone if he isn't lying. Is he saying that he never had sex with her because of this?

sadness1

We began R about 3 weeks ago. We have had some tough discussions. A few laughs. We have started MC. But something has been missing.
Yesterday, he said he was on the fence of wanting to continue. He said he loves me and has wanted to give our marriage this second chance but feels like he should be feeling things he just doesn't. He wants to feel in love with me and share a passion with me that just isn't there. He said that he feels like we are just friends.

I asked him if it would be easier for him if I just let go and tell him we tried. That he needs to go and just be happy. He said he is not ready to let go. He doesn't want to end it yet.

He is very sad and tormented. We have had discussions while he was with OW that he hates his life and is struggling to be happy. We both believe it might be depression and are going to the doctor Friday.

So I am asking for help with this. Has anyone experienced this? Are those feelings something that also has to be rebuilt or is it something we should be feeling instantly.

Three weeks into starting the reconciliation process is VERY early. Has he been in IC since the affair ended to figure out why he chose to have an affair and work on himself? While I think MC is valuable to those with marital issues, IC for both parties in my opinion is the first step. For the WS, it is imperative to figure out why they did it and how to work on themselves to try not to do it again. For the BS, I think it helps them figure out what they want to do and if they want to move forward and also work through the emotions that are so rampant after they find out they have been cheated on.

Regarding your WS. I do know that affairs happen in all relationships, but it is my belief that there are usually some pretty big marital issues before a WS starts down the path towards an affair. After the WS and BS work through their own issues with their IC, what is left to do is try to work on the marriage and problems that developed over time in the marriage. All three of the MC we have seen have talked to us about the fact that we had those feelings for the first 8-10 years....so getting them back IS possible.

While we as WS are told on this site that the WS should do everything in their power to reconcile if their partner gives them the gift....I don't necessarily agree. I think BOTH parties need to assess, after they work on the 'whys', if they want to work on the marriage and reconcile. It is possible your WS isn't sure right now he wants to do that. BUT, it is still very very early for both of you. I believe this is something you should openly discuss with your counselor. They see this a lot and should be able to help you find ways to work through it to see if those feelings can be revived. It IS possible for them to be revived, but it will take a ton of work. It sounds like your WS is willing to hang in there to try, and that is really all any of us can do. I'm sure it is very hard for him to admit his lack of feelings to you, but that type of honesty from a WS is probably pretty rare and him being truthful about it and working on it with you is a fantastic sign. Again, in my humble opinion.


Me: WW
Him: BH
Intuition is not a gift, but a skill based in self esteem.

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