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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 6
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, October 13th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS's, please do not answer by proxy for your WS, stick to your situation.

Also, please read in the Healing library, under the BS FAQ's, WS FAQ's and BS for WS FAQ's before posting your question.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, October 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If your BS got amnesia, would you tell him/her again?


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2385 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, October 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to think about that for a minute.

My first response wanted to be no.

But I know how I am, I would never be able to live with him and have that between us. So yes, I would. Unless it was total amnesia and he had no recollection of our entire life. Then what would be the point?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3693 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Damaged2010
♀ Member
Member # 30085
Concerned  Posted: 7:51 PM, October 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, gonna try to not ramble and be clear here. I have just found out about FR. A was supposed to end in Oct. 2010 and went on til Jan. 2011. We were in R, we were in counseling, he was transparent....obviously just learned to be sneakier. I'd really like to know how one is capable of that, capable of holding me wiping my tears expressing remorse and reminding me daily how he'd never hurt me again yet still be with her...but I assume this answer varies person to person. So heres a Q that I hope can be answered.

If you lied while saying it's over, lied about being in R, lied while saying you're sorry and that you will never hurt W/H again....what is different now? How do YOU know NOW that you will NOT go back and do this again?

[This message edited by Damaged2010 at 7:52 PM, October 14th (Friday)]


Me (BS) - 36 Him (WS) - 35
Together 15 years, with four kids-14, 12 and 4 yr old twins.
D-Day-Oct.4th, 2010 FR discovered Oct.7th, 2011 A went on til Jan 2011
"The grass is NOT greener on the other side,its greener where you water it"

Posts: 158 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Illinois
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, October 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will try to answer this for you now, hopefully someone else can come along and give you a better answer.

I have read some of your posts so I know what is going on,and I am sorry for your pain.

I know that I will not do what I did again because I have spent the past two years in IC figuring out my past and my FOO issues. I feel that I have gotten down to the why of what made this happen, and I am working on fixing my boundaries and my coping mechanisms. I have found out so many things about myself that I had no idea about. And this site has also been instrumental in that as well.

Without figuring those things out, then there would be a risk that I would do it again if the situation was just right again.

Now I feel like I am a healthier, stronger more capable person.

I hope your H can get into some IC, not just MC. He needs to do some work on himself.

I hope that answers your question.



Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,22,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”
― Pema Chödrön

Posts: 3693 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, October 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damaged:
I don't know your story, but aside from a spouse being in the fog, if I were to have another A now, after all the shit we've been through, after everything I've learned on SI, after all the internal deep-rooted shit I've unearthed, after seeing how far that knife dug into my H, I might as well draw a warm bath, get in and slice my wrists up to my elbows. In no way am I joking.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 11:23 PM, October 14th (Friday)]


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, October 14th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi

I don't have a question at present but just wanted to thank all the FWSs who post on here.

I read this often and appreciate the fact that you take the time and effort to respond to BSs.

Sometimes although I don't have a question, when I read what you say, your responses speak to my own sich.

Sometimes they also provide me with food for thought or even questions for my FWH - which helps us get through this mess.

Thank you

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, October 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura:
You are so sweet for posting that and it means so much to us. When BS's post things like this it gives us WS's hope.


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
Card
♂ Member
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, October 15th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, gonna try to not ramble and be clear here. I have just found out about FR. A was supposed to end in Oct. 2010 and went on til Jan. 2011. We were in R, we were in counseling, he was transparent....obviously just learned to be sneakier. I'd really like to know how one is capable of that, capable of holding me wiping my tears expressing remorse and reminding me daily how he'd never hurt me again yet still be with her...but I assume this answer varies person to person. So heres a Q that I hope can be answered.

Damaged,

False Recoveries are devastating. I know, I put my wife through the hell of one. It's the surest way for a BS to discover what cons, liars, and manipulators, wayward spouses really are.

Betrayal is horrible.... but coupled with a false recovery, chances of a real recovery become even less.... Is it possible, of course it is, but for the BS, there is a part of your marriage that is lost forever... A depth of loyalty and inner joy for the marriage that is never recoverable.

My wife and I discuss this from time to time, and we have thrived in recovery regardless of these losses. We do have a love and a peace that surpasses understanding, given the hell my adultery visited upon us, but it has not come without a price.


Would I ever cheat again.... No!

Did I ever think I would have cheated before.... No!

I've changed my lifestyle, my boundaries, and have extraordinary precautions in place to assure my wife and our marriage are protected at all times in order to prevent a repeat of an affair....

I would set the bar high!

My wife set the bar high enough for me to easily fail in order to assure that it would be obvious to her that I wanted to protect her and our marriage.... Please do the same!

You're worth so much more than what you have now...

Let your H put his big boy pants on and fight for his marriage or let him go...


WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin


Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
lostperfection4
♂ Member
Member # 28961
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, October 16th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damaged:

Redefining boundaries was important for me. It was a learning process to begin understanding where I needed to draw lines with others. I grew up being very open and flirtatious with others, and changing that pattern was essential.

Also, I needed to shift my prospective from protecting my BGF or doing what I "knew I should do" completely to healing for my own personal growth and development. So long as it was about pleasing my BGF, I think I was prone to failures. Now that it is about personal integrity, it feels stable and whole.

Unfortunately, my relationship doesn't seem salvaged, but I believe I am personally, and I will never hurt anyone like this again because of it. I think you've got to love yourself before you can love someone else, and treating them properly in a relationship follows from this.


Me: WBF (20's)
Her: BGF (20's)

many d-days, still in limbo

- Hiding your past is a great way to guarantee a future you won't be satisfied with -


Posts: 449 | Registered: Jul 2010
livetotell
♀ Member
Member # 26527
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, October 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH and I are in R - he had a second affair earlier this year after what turned out to be a false R. My question relates to physical intimacy. He is trying hard to follow my lead and I am admittedly wishy-washy on the topic. In any case, on many occasions, I will cry after or during sex. He is generally very tender and tries to be understanding and i appreciate that. I also feel bad for him during this time as I think I start to imagine what would be going through my head if I were in his place. Could you shed a little light on what might actually be going through a FWS's head during a time like that? Thanks so much - just need some help getting through my latest episode. You guys are awesome!


Me: BW - 36 Him: WH - 35
D-Day 1: 11/17/09
D-Day 2: 3/31/11
I'm not taking grenades for you anymore baby.
We are in R.
"Today I will live in the moment....unless the moment is unpleasant in which case I will eat a cookie"

Posts: 293 | Registered: Dec 2009
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, October 17th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you lose respect for your BS because they stay and try to R with you after you've been so deceptive and uncaring towards them?

I believe I've asked this before but can't recall if I was answered.


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

neverbelieve,

Yes, but when I really looked at that situation (my opinion/perception of my BW), I realized that I was using it as an excuse to distance myself from BW and put part of the blame on her. It's another wall that has to be torn down on the path of healing.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

livetotell,

Have you always cried? And have you explained to your WH why you cry now?


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
livetotell
♀ Member
Member # 26527
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Baxter -
thanks for responding. I have not always cried - never before the A's at all. After the first one, I cried every time for about 3 months and then it just stopped.
After the second A, we did not have any sex for about 3 months. Once we started being physically intimate again it has varied.

I would say I cry about 50% of the time now. I have expressed to him that it is usually a combination of mind movies and just a release of emotions that triggers me. So as best as he can understand that, he is aware.

I guess to piggy back off my own question, this weekend was a particularly bad instance of sobbing - happening during which is a first - usually I can hold back the tears till the end - anyway, he handled it as best I could have asked for.

So last night, I expressed that to him - pretty much told him I appreciated how he acted toward me and while I was upset by the whole episode, his reaction helped. He really did not respond much at all, finally said something like it is awkward and he doesn't know when we will have sex again and whatever it is it is fine...

So is he overcome with guilt and shame because of what I go through as a result of his actions? Or is he just shutting me down because he does not want to deal with it. Your perspective would be really appreciated.
Thanks again for taking the time!


Me: BW - 36 Him: WH - 35
D-Day 1: 11/17/09
D-Day 2: 3/31/11
I'm not taking grenades for you anymore baby.
We are in R.
"Today I will live in the moment....unless the moment is unpleasant in which case I will eat a cookie"

Posts: 293 | Registered: Dec 2009
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, what is your reason for crying? Is it that you are so willing to trust your WH by exposing your most intimate self yet you can't believe he will truly honor that trust? Just curious. What is that release of emotion? Can you put words to it?

Do you think he does understand the mind movies and how that is so difficult for you with something so intimate?

I'm presuming that by him handling as best you could have hoped for, that he didn't run away, that he remained present for you. I think that is a good thing. But it sounds like he didn't take the next step that you needed him to take, which might be to engage in conversation and validate your feelings.

It sounds like he is maybe just unaware of how to react to something so intimate and emotional all wrapped into one.

I'm not sure that he is overcome with guilt and shame or that he is shutting you down. I think it's possible that he just doesn't know now to deal with it beyond what he did when it happened. Meaning, he knows that when you cry, he needs to be there with you, but when you bring it up after the event, he doesn't know what to do.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Mandmr1
♂ Member
Member # 31412
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question for WWs...Will you EVER tell your BH all the details of your A if he asks for them? After having a LTA and being very remorseful, do you still think about your affair partner? If so, how often?
Does size really matter? This is a huge problem for me, the mind movies have taken over and will not let go... I am on a continual state of asking " how could you do this to me and now say you love me and always have".


I'm 54 (BH)
My wife 55 (WW)
Married 22 years now
Together 24 years barely
D DAY February 9th 2011
Wedding Anniversary February 14th
Daughter 21

Posts: 214 | Registered: Mar 2011
neverbelieve
♀ Member
Member # 32711
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how is it possible to tell your bs that you love them and turn right around and say it to AP? It seems that these moments should make you stop and really question yourself. How do you ignore how truly awful what you are doing is?


When the infrastructure of a building is gone the collapse is inevitable.

Posts: 934 | Registered: Jul 2011
BaxtersBFF
♂ Member
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mandmr1 and neverbelieve,

I don't really have anything to offer you regarding your questions above. My situation is different than either of yours. However...

Mandmr1, most, if not all of the WW's here on SI have told all, or are in the process of finding a way to do so. Most WS either do not think of their AP's or are in the process of getting to that point. Withdrawal can take a year or more. Some WS can drop the AP like a hot potato. It just depends on the person and the situation.

As to the love question...I don't have an answer. neverbelieve, is there a chance that your WH is that good at compartmentalization? or was he just after a piece of tail? Mandmr1, after d-day, a WS can see the light. It is possible that true remorse is happening and the reality is that your WW never stopped loving you. It was just boxed up and put away for periods of time.

I don't know. Hopefully others will come along with more similar situations.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6061 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To male and female WS:

Did you always use condoms? And if you did NOT, how did you rationalize that?


me BS female 55/him WS 58
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 6763 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
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