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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affair - Part 27
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, December 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura-
Sending you a big hug!
I have to run to work now but will write more later.
Just wanting to let you know that you've been heard and to let you know that I am so sorry that you have been feeling down.


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, December 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Laura,

Do you think it is a good idea? I have avoided it because I wanted the privacy I have to chat to you all but feel I've reached some sort of dead end.

You all know my story, he knows my story so I now feel I don't need to "protect" myself.

I suppose I am thinking that maybe he is becoming a little complacent and that if he reads on here he may come back to realizing that my recovery is going to take a LONG time.

A VERY LONG time.

IMO, NO, I would not share this site with your H. This is your group to try and figure all this stuff out. Once you share this with him, I believe you share something that might be misunderstood by your H. You can come here and bounce ideas off of us so you can more accurately plan the best possible way to approach your H, or share a feeling. Sometimes, you need to vent and this is a good place to do it. Venting is how you feel at that very moment but may not be what you really need or want overall. He might come here and read some of your private feelings and think, "you need to get over it". A few times over the past 3 years, my W has said that shit to me... I just respond, "You cannot tell me how I am suppose to feel"


Laura, You donít have to contribute to this LTA thread but I am glad you made that post. Itís OK just to say how you feel. You are at 19 monthsÖ I want to share my writings with you at my 17 month time.How it feels after 17 months... Laura, How can you compare your feelings to mine? How are you progressing? I'm not sure it will make you feel better but here it is...

2/2/10


I think about it every day, 95% of the time it does not make me want to cry. Sometimes a simple picture, a song, a sign, a comment, tv show... it just pops infidelity into my mind. I think briefly about and I just force myself to think of something else. Sometimes, during this brief thought, I might see them having sex, I see my wife enjoying it, I vision me hurting OM, I think the pain I once felt, me being fooled, me doing things different, acting different, saying different things while R'ing.... I call those thoughts pain. This pain might be comparable to when you are in a car, and someone pulls in front of you after you waited in line for 5 or 10 minutes to get by a construction zone, that damn person not having to wait. It is a 3-4 out of 10 in intensity. It might be the same feeling as you might get when you look at a newspaper picture of a Haitian being pulled from the fallen building... broken arm or legs crying... It is like the color of yellow... warning. It might even feel like after your child lost a game and you see them upset.

Yes, I still have cried... when I let the thoughts of my W's A linger in my mind, and I don't control it... But overall during the day, I enjoy my day... I might think about it 5% now... I can remember every minute thinking about this.. no ability to focus...


2/14/10
Iím I faking it or not. Why do I seem like I amÖ I love Toni, have fun with her, but day after day thing just trigger me. I think about her loving Mark. I donít shed a tear but it still hurts. We watch a stupid movie Itís Complicated.. I need to close my eyes and thing about something else because Hollywood just makes so light of Affairs. Why do I tell myself I forgive ToniÖ Why do I still think about leaving and divorce? I hold her hand but is it real.. is it fake. Or is it this day of Valentines. I hate it. I try and make it some fun for us with a simple romantic bet.. and no. It all seem so fake. I donít know.

Ok now today.. I think it is important to write down how you feel so you can monitor your progress...

12/14/11
I feel really good and mostly happy. I can think about Toni having sex with Mark and not a whole lot of emotions are all stirred up. I feel good about myself sharing on SI, my job is going well but I always believe I can do better. My refuge to tobacco and gambling is something I want to end and feel good I no longer have the urges to visit the casino weekly and have not gone it 3 weeks. I smoked again this weekend a cigar. I love that buz. And yep, a cig too.

I have these fantasies about being D and meeting a wonderful new woman. It is a longing that happens maybe once week for something new and different. I started having them right after dday and they were everyday for a long time. They went away but now they are back. My common sense kicks in to point out the commonalities I have with Toni. I tell myself I need to somehow stop having these fantasies. But fantasies are what they are and I will not take them to reality.

I give my daily feelings a 8 of 10. I smile more often, I laugh more often and much of my time I feel myself again. I have not cried in maybe 3 months now with only one period where divorce thought entered my head with any significant. I continue to struggle with some sort of mental need for her to initiate sex with me. I give her a test her every week waiting and waiting. She always fails but she always says it's always good. It is a battle of learning what a real man is supposed to feel , do about sex and I want to get to a point of comfort on this desire or need.

I still have moments of want to some hurt and get revenge on Mark. These thoughts happen maybe a couple times a month. I tell myself this is a fantasy and tell myself to stick to the plan.. walk away.

I have urges to place GPS on her phone for a month or two just to verify I am not being lied to again. Deep in my soul I donít think she is still hiding, but I never thought she could hide this for so long with Mark either. I have these unsafe feelings and thoughts that are lingering. They happen maybe once or twice a week but I am strong enough in my mind to trust God will let me know. I continue to make the choice to trust her. I believe I will see a change in our M relationship if she decides to share her love Mark or someone else again.

My M is so much better than before dday. I can feel something when we talk every evening about our day over a glass of wine. She touches me so much more often and never a day where work was a priority over our personal life. My fear to share my feelings still exists, but I make them known anyway. I have courage and everytime I express my feelings, Toni has great responces.

I am so looking forward to Christmas! Family coming to visit.

Laura, can you believe me that your feeling will change? They will! It gonna happen if you continue to focus on all the good things and get those bad things out on the table.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:58 AM, December 14th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2636 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, December 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura, hugs.

I know it's difficult, and this time of the year is killer for all of us here, especially those of us still struggling to "make it." Don't get down on yourself. Let yourself feel sad.

I do have a suggestion, though. If you're still having your daily wine, could you forgo it for a week and pay attention to how you're feeling? It's a depressant (you know that, just being Captain Obvious here) and I find, just for me, that I felt I needed a glass of wine or scotch at the end of the day to relax, forget, soothe myself to sleep... but when I stopped and paid attention, I noticed that I felt more calm, I got more stuff done (and therefore felt more in control) and slept better at night without it. Maybe that will help?

What are you doing just for you? Are you working exercise into your daily routine? How are you dealing with (non-A-related) stress?

I don't know about invited your FWH to SI. I told Mr. STBXNell about it, and he claimed to have visited, but I know that he did not. Now I'm glad he didn't, because when I need to talk smack about him, I come here. When I need a 2x4, I come here. When I need someone to give me an opinion about what I see happening, I come here. I see other people who have spouses on here and it tends to water down the advice, I think. If someone really likes what WaywardSmith has to say, and BetrayedSmith posts about what a bastard WaywardSmith was being last night, chances are pretty good that the responses will be "well, we all have bad days, but WaywardSmith is such a good guy..." which may or may not be BetrayedSmith's IRL experience. KWIM?

Anyhoo... that was either way more than two cents or not even a penny. In either case, much love to you, Laura. I'm glad you spoke up.

Love, Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, December 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW, njgal... I hope you had a happy birthday!
XO - Nell


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, December 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura.. sorry you are down and hope you have some moments of joy to get you through. I am relatively new to the LTA thread.

Everyone, every situation, is different. For me, I told my WW when I joined SI and she knows my "name". She occassionally reads SI and sees my posts. I do not hold back and say what I want. If WW reads and has issues with my post or responses, we discuss them and understand each other much better.

And yes it has helped my WW understand many things about infidelity, me as a BS, as well as helping me. I have shared replies to my posts with WW and we have discussed each of the points. I believe it hasimporved our communication and brought us closer.

So, I did not need the privacy and sharing SI with my WW has helped us both!

All I can add is that you need to decide and do what is right for you and your own situation. I wish you the best.

h&c


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 401 | Registered: Sep 2011
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, December 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura,

By the way (((hugs))).

I'm with hopeandchange on this.

I told my fwh right away about SI (newbeg2011) and it has helped him and us so much! He did read one of my threads in the beginning and it tore him up so much that he says he NEVER reads me. I don't mind if he does.
I know we would NOT be as far along as we are if he had not been on SI. He has had other Waywards that have helped him too. Good Luck.

Happy Belated Birthday NJgal


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
deeppurple
♂ Member
Member # 28757
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, December 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Laura,
Big hugs.
You have no reason to feel guilty for contributing....give yourself a break..please.

As for inviting FWH to SI - its a personal decision. If I thought it would help WW & our marriage yes but her NPD/BPD is such an issue I know that is not an option.
Just way up the pros & cons & follow what feels best for you.
Take care.

((((Tribe))))


Me - BS 49
Her - WS 43
Married 16 yrs (together 17 yrs)
DD13 DS10 DS8 DS6
DDay 1 6.4.2010 dday 2 7.25.2010
Heading for divorce.
"Never look down on someone unless you are helping them up"

Posts: 522 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Where the sun is shining & the surf is pumping
old dipstick
♂ Member
Member # 25598
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, December 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy BirthDay Njgal! I hope you had a good one.

Laura.

There are many here who do not post as much as they lurk.

I don't think I would ever want my W to know about SI. I'm 99% sure she would hate this place and I like having a safe/private place to LURK in. Be sure you want him here before you open the door. You can't unring this bell either.

Hugs to the tribe.


Her WW 60
Me BH 60
M 36 yr
D-day#1 fall of 76 OM#1 2NS
D-day#2 summer of 89 OM#2 LTA 8 yrs OM#3 Short Term A


Posts: 751 | Registered: Sep 2009
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, December 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Back by popular demand, here is Dip!

Yee-haw!!!

Laura, keep SI for yourself. You didn't think EMDR was going to be a magic cure-all did you? You're grieving something substantial. be gentle with yourself.

hugs to all.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
worst-year-ever
♀ Member
Member # 33003
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, December 14th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Laura)))

In WYE land....

Mom is supposed to get her prosthesis next week, then I'm hoping to get her out of my house ASAP. I'm exhausted. Just talked to the social worker assigned to her case, we are trying to figure out the best way for me to detach from this all. (Amazing the similarities between her and fWH sometimes)

Things with fWH are mostly good except when I hit a wall and break down like last night. Ugh. Realizing that even though 5 months seems like a long time, it's literally just a drop in the bucket when it comes to healing. This is going to be a long haul.

The thing I am struggling with the most right now is the how. I don't even really care about the whys anymore, since I'm pretty solid on those. It's the hows. How he could do this. How he could go on like there was nothing wrong the entire time. How he could just check out on me, on us. How he could live with himself. How he could so easily sit in judgment of other people, but not himself.

I know that I'll never get answers for any of those that are "good enough", but I'm having a really hard time with it all right now.

Having mom here is just causing more stress, and you all know that is pretty much the last thing I need right now.

Heading out to get some emergency clothing for my oldest daughter, who apparently is growing like a weed. At least that's a good thing. :)


Me: BW
Him: FWH
4 kids & 20 years together
DD: 7/7/11
OW1: 3yr+ LTA
OW2: My xBFF
Trying to R

Posts: 1282 | Registered: Aug 2011
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, December 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{Laura}}}
I agree with those who advise not to let Mr. Laura on this site. If there are some good articles or threads, you could cut and paste them for him to read, but this is like your "group therapy" in a way, it's private and beneficial for you.

FOCUS ON YOU.

This advice is given over and over on SI for a very valid reason. So many of the BS's have given tooooo much of themselves for years. We forgot how to take care of ourselves and let the WS take priority in our lives. I think that is one of the most hurtful things, is that we gave so much and then.....


WYE: I truly understand what you are going through. My mother is in Rehab for Physical Therapy and is supposed to be discharged soon. She is BPD (and I'm realizing a lot of NPD traits too).

There is too much to deal with. Try to educate yourself, WYE, with all the resources you have in your communtiy for as much help as you can get. If your mother needs to go back in Rehab to use the prosthetic leg, push for it. Let them know that you are concerned for the safety of your mother and perhaps your home is not the answer.

Tryn, I'm glad that there was something I might have said that helped you. I agree, there has been so many times a person has responded that it helps me understand. Even your graphs help me to "see" things that I haven't seen before.

As for the pain, I believe as with any trauma, we can be "desensitized" to a degree. One of the reasons we felt compelled to watch the Twin Towers fall on 9/11 over and over again. It helps in the acceptance of the tremendous trauma.

I believe that the pain can "scar" over if you will, BUT, the scar can be reopened again. If you pick at it, and focus on it, it can hurt even more.
No matter what you do to get over the trauma and the pain, it does become a part of you. In time, you will not want to curl up in a fetal position when you think of the hurt.
Tryn may be referring to the fact that my infant daugheter died at the age of 4 months. As the years went by, the pain wasn't as intense and I could actually talk about it without crying. She would be 18 this coming January, and I can talk about it, BUT if I delve too deeply, I can start crying again, but not want to go to bed and cry all day. The wound was opened up when I discovered that WH named OC #1 the almost exact same name as my daughter. DS 36 loved my daughter, his sister, and the fact that WH gave OC that same name kills DS to no end....... (and never mind what it does to me)

The pain grows less intense as we start to accept that the trauma happened. It's a fact that we cannot change. It will always hurt to some degree, but we can come to a point of acceptance and understanding that it will no longer devastate us.

{{{{tribe}}}

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 12:27 AM, December 15th (Thursday)]


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Jan 2010
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 4:05 AM, December 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone. Iíve been absent and Laura contacted me through Facebook. Just to ask for a few good thoughts and some buckets of strength at a very sad and difficult time. My Dad is dying. Heís had serious illnesses all his life Ė starting at 29 with kidney stones. In those days, if you carried on making them, you died. He has survived with half of one kidney. Heís had bladder stones, stomach cancer, oesophageal cancer, had a rib removed, a heart condition causing blackouts, but yíknow, he is just one of those men who tackles everything that comes their way with unbelievable determination. And now heís finally being beaten into submission. My poor mum is trying to hold it together and be strong for him, to be practical, to talk to him, to just be there. She is still sleeping with him in their bed and home is where he wants to be Ė where we all want him to be if thatís his wish.

So, being the first port of call, I went down. Then my sister. Then my twin brother. His wife is there for a couple of days until my older brother goes down. He is emotionally fragile and not very practical, but we felt he should be included, so I may end up going down earlier than planned. Mr UKg and I were due to take the whole Christmas kit and caboodle down there, so those days still hold. We all live between 250 and 300 miles away, but we have pulled together like a troop before, itís just a matter of phone calls and organisation.

Thereís no internet at their house. Itís like going back in time! When itís all over, we will carry on being there for Mum for as long as she wants us. And she can come and stay with any one of us until she feels she can go home. I donít know if she will survive. My Dad kept telling her he was sorry Ė this was not how it was supposed to be. Mum canít let him go, although she knows she has to. Iím crying now, so just send a few hugs. That would be nice.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3327 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, December 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((UK Girl)))

I'm so sorry.


t/j Hello y'all here on LTA. Just to say am not an interloper: DH had a fuck buddy for 4 years 1990-94 whilst working in a different city. Just never been here before but really wanted to give UK girl a hug.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, December 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((UKGirl)))))

I am so very sorry to hear about your Dad!!

I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Having just recently lost my own dear Dad, I can certainly sympathize with you and yours!

I am always here with a willing ear!!

Love you,
Lovin


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, December 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((ukgirl))

Sounds like getting wireless internet set up on an I-Pad or similar may be a good task for FWS

--Ats


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3964 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, December 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((ukgirl))))))

much love, hugs and prayers being sent your way....


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
ImNellNow
♀ Member
Member # 28753
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, December 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((UKgirl and family)))))
Wishing you all peace and comfort and moments of joy in these days.


BS & D
Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this.

Posts: 2370 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Baby steps on my new path
0115
♀ Member
Member # 31740
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, December 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((UKgirl))))

Love and thoughts to you. Say everything you want to tell him. I got the chance before my dad passed but couldn't get the words out. I thought getting too emotional would be bad so I stayed strong and just said "I love you". Looking back I think it would have been good to share all the things he did that meant so much to me.


BS (me) 49
FWH 49 newbeg2011
Married 29 years
Very Long LTA
DD 01/15/11-6/30/11
The hard work is done...let the healing begin.

Posts: 997 | Registered: Apr 2011
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, December 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{{{{UKgirl}}}} All my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. I am so very sorry and although we cannot be there physically with you, know that we are all there with you in our hearts, thoughts and spirit.
{{{{{UKgirl}}}}

Posts: 1900 | Registered: Jan 2010
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, December 15th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKG - sending you so much love, hugs and prayers. It is so heartbreaking when someone we love is suffering. I know your heartbreak having lost my dad this way too 15 years ago. The greatest gift that came from that experience was seeing how our family came together.
It sounds like this is exactly how yours is responding and as sad as this is right now, knowing you are altogether in this will give you so much peace.
Please know that we are here for you.
((((((((((((((UKG))))))))))))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
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